Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

To the posters who haven’t left their houses or gardens with their kids since March or so, yes, your kids might seem fine with not going out and socially interacting but that’s probably because they are now so used to it (obviously disclaimer about shielding and health issues).

Do you expect them just to bounce out the door to school after not being outside for months?

Well perhaps she loves her friend and is worried about her mental health. Maybe she's got so depressed she can't cope. Maybe the op knows her to ell enough to pick up that she's acting very out of character. Sometimes it's important that we stick our noses in when we are worried. She's asking for advice. You don't know she's shielding. You are basing it on your own feelings and being rude to anyone who doesn't agree with you. Just respect all opinions and stop being rude?

Christ. Leave off with the vitamin D shite. Newsflash. I'm in a town where rickets made a comeback. I am educated on vitamin D so you can stop preaching.

They're in their garden, you describe a rainy summer? not here, we're all tanned!

Do you expect them just to bounce out the door to school after not being outside for months?

yes, because I am an absolute idiot with no idea of the struggles my children may have.

@youhave4substitutes

So you can bring it up and take the pee about it but you are too ignorant to read my response about it. You wanted to talk about it when you mocked me and said about licking trees if your vitmain D riddled bones or whatever would let you. Really mature of a grown up!

[quote Melonslicexx]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

It was one factor that I mentioned. As a whole. Staying home limits exposure to allsorts that keep your immune system strong. We are in a pandemic so perhaps don't mock suggestions to improve your overall health. [/quote]
And for two million of us, staying home has protected us.

We don't deserve to have our health picked over by people who don't know us or our situations.

What if this op is referring to one of us on this thread? None of us know do we? What if the op is talking about a family on here, who haven't told everyone that they are shielding?

Judging people for doing the best that they can isn't on. It's no good saying "oh I don't mean if you've been shielding" it's still the same. You've said that people will be unfit, over weight, unhealthy because they've not been out in the country side exercising over the past four months - well that will include the families that have been shielding. That is really hurtful to people that have gone through a very hard time.

Dp is one of the shielded. When his 12 weeks in was coming to an end he was very concerned about going out.

He is still shielding technically till 1st August but for his own mh we have encouraged him to do very short trips out and only go into places where he knows other people are not.
He started by driving out on his own and parking up for 10 minutes before driving back.

He was really starting to act very strangely and had the beginnings of agoraphobia

I wonder how many more families/people are similar.

Interesting to see the responses as I thought this might be about me until I got down to more of the detail.

We haven’t been anywhere since March - actually DH had to go to the supermarket initially and I’ve been to the corner shop a few times. DH has taken DT2 to the hospital twice for appointments. That’s it.

They haven’t been able to go back to nursery due to a long and complicated issue (they have SEN and things have been tricky to sort out), but will be going back in a couple of weeks for a couple of sessions a week.

I’ll be honest, I feel like we’ve gone through so much to keep all of us well and it’s been so hard that it feels a bit crazy to make unnecessary trips now.

I do understand why you’re concerned however as my MH is in the toilet and I’m exhausted.

You've said that people will be unfit, over weight, unhealthy

And this is also not true.

DH and I are doing more exercise - we've both taken up HIIT and yoga. We've lost more than stone each because we aren't getting a daily latte and eating out regularly. I am fitter, healthy and lighter than pre-lockdown.

The kids are equally healthier, treats are less frequent (fewer ice creams on days out and puddings after meals out), more time spent outside.

More than ever, lockdown has highlighted to me which of my friends are spreaders. I’m much more selective who I see now.

It wasn't about you at all.

It was about parents who are anxious and are worried about going out.

But you already know that. Mocking what's healthy for others makes you just as bad as anyone who mocks your situation.

So it's only ok if it suits your situation?

Hmmm.

I think you need to grow up and realise the world isn't just about you.

If you think children won't get overweight and tired and weaker from not leaving the house for six months than you are wrong. All kids need the excercise and probably some vitamins ready for going back to school. Not a solid fact. But it's likely that many people's health has gone to pot. Including mine. My intention was not to bully. I don't bully. I shared some suggestions about health. You've taken offence. I can't change your attitude or your mindset. But you should try and be abit more open minded and less rude. Just because it's a forum it doesn't give you the right to be angry at everyone. I can see your situation has upset you and made you feel defensive. But I can assure you that people care and feel for the shielding. There has been alot of support where I live. People have been so kind and helpful. Im sorry if that hasnt been the case for you.

I am going now to take my kids to lock sticks and eat mud.

If there is any kind of abuse/control happening or mental health problems then it may well be difficult for your friend to either see that things aren't OK (her OH may be gaslighting) or difficult to admit.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years. My DD developed mental health problems and barely left the house and but when people asked if everything was OK I just said it was fine. It really wasn't. I'm trying to think if there's anything anyone could have said to make me admit and face what was happening. I'm not saying this is what is going on with your friend, but if it is what would be the best way of speaking to her.

If someone had said that they loved and cared for me and that they were there to support me in anyway I needed it, without judgement that may have been enough. But everyone just accepted what I said and didn't get involved. If they had tried to I'm not sure how I would have responded. I would have probably changed the subject and distanced myself. Not because I didn't want help, but because I couldn't see a way out.

So I don't think you should avoid speaking about it but make it clear that is without judgement.That you'd love to see her when she is ready to come out of lockdown, and that you can do it in a way that makes her feel the safest, but with no pressure. Hopefully it is all fine and she's just realised that she actually enjoys being at home. But to not leave the house at all is unusual IMO, unless she lives in an incredibly built up area and it really is impossible to socially distance.

Is her husband always there when you speak? As someone said up thread - can you video chat? - you can pick up on her body language.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Dp is one of the shielded. When his 12 weeks in was coming to an end he was very concerned about going out.

He is still shielding technically till 1st August but for his own mh we have encouraged him to do very short trips out and only go into places where he knows other people are not.
He started by driving out on his own and parking up for 10 minutes before driving back.

He was really starting to act very strangely and had the beginnings of agoraphobia

I wonder how many more families/people are similar.

Quite a lot I should imagine.

How would he feel if a friend turned up with tickets to an attraction and insisted he go? Would that help him?

Or phoned the police and report that maybe you are keeping him locked up? Would that help him?

Just two of the suggestions on this thread.

maxdash I didn’t say you were but you don’t seem to be too concerned about re introducing your kids to the world.

But take offence if you want, it’s entirely up to you.

@youhave4substitutes

Yep. It doesn't take a genius to work out that there is a health concern for one of the people in the family and the OP isn't privy to it.

It must be tedious to have a friend constantly nagging you to meet up when in fact it's pretty clear they're probably shielding.

You don't know this at all! Can you not entertain the possibility for a second that something isn't right in the household? Reiterating again, that everything could be fine, but on the off chance it isn't wouldn't it be better to have a frank conversation?

Nicknacky I don't seem too concerned, because I'm not concerned. That isn't the same as thinking they will just run in on the first day of school. However they've been having virtual lessons, 'met' their teacher for next year online, had a virtual tour of the new classroom but they already know the teacher and class room because it is a very small school. There's 8 week between now and them returning to school. Plenty of time to further prepare them. Thankfully there will be no changes to their school day (except singing in assembly) when they return and it will feel very familiar to them.

I certainly don't think they are going to have any more issues than any other child in their class. They are all in very similar positions.

Actually, regarding 'Mind Your Own Business', paying for the oncoming MH crisis when we discover that those apparently loving lockdown cocooned with the kids - are actually unable to face leaving their home.... sort of does make it everyone's business!

It struck me early this week, when non-bubble relatives came by for a SD back-garden meal (visit to us bolted onto an essential business trip).

They're sensible adults, him WFH; her SAHM.

But they (the couple) surprised me with their shock having called into a out-of-town supermarket en route (with masks on). It wasn't that it was a free-for-all, the SD was in place as far as was practicable but neither had been 'among other people' for so long, they felt anxious and disoriented by the experience- and couldn't stop talking about it!

At first we were quite taken aback, but it then struck us that we have been 'out in the world' through all this; daily walks/cycles/wild-swims among other people at normal times of the day; supermarket and essential shopping; me driving to my HCP job, etc. So maybe I could easily compare the sensationalist reporting of the horror of the BLM gatherings, Bournemouth beach (which I still don't have an issue with!) and so forth - to actual reality?

Which isn't that terrifying!

"youhave4substitutes

So you can bring it up and take the pee about it but you are too ignorant to read my response about it. You wanted to talk about it when you mocked me and said about licking trees if your vitmain D riddled bones or whatever would let you. Really mature of a grown up!"

@Melonslicexx sorry what? Where did I say any of that?

You are sounding like a bully. Why do you assume that people are less fit and healthy because they don't go for your favourite pastime of woodland walks?

Is my choice of Les Mills, yoga and sunbathing in my garden ok with you?

The OP has asked and asked her friend and repeatedly politely been told no. She should respect that and back off. Ringing the police and turning up unannounced at 6am with tickets to somewhere they don't want to go is insane.

people are fucking crazy on this site. not okay to keep two children inside a house for 4 months. that's horrific, especially as they are at an age where they will remember other people and their lives before, not even as if they are babies who dont know any better. your friend wants to be careful - this might come back round to bite her when her two children inevitably are too scared to enter the real world again because she must be saying stuff to explain why they are still not able to leave the house and it must be scary enough to make sure the two children comply.

also, if they were shielding why wouldnt you just say? especially to a friend who was clearly worrying about you? or you were worried would turn up at your door?

and to not even take your kids out for a walk? dont care what anyone says, shielding or not, that's barbaric.

I haven’t RTFT as it’s so long. But I’ve been effectively in lockdown since March. I’m pregnant and have a suppressed immune system. DH and I can work from home, we have a garden and are next to a massive forest area, so DS (2) has had loads of playtime outside. We’ve met with friends outside but haven’t been in any shops, cafes, anyone else’s house etc. We haven’t needed to so why put ourselves at risk. A lot of the social stuff hasn’t actually been allowed until very recently.

Personally I don’t see any issue with a cautious approach and I don’t think it’s really anyone else’s business.

@sergeilavrov

Not sure, but do police in the UK do wellness checks? So if you contact them and report that you’re concerned she may be at risk from her DH or that something may have happened (bruises, so may not want to go out), in some countries the police go out and make contact and speak to them to determine what is going on/risk level. They then just call you back and let you know if the person is safe or not. Could be an option.

WTF? You are telling the OP to call the police and pretend she has reason to believe her friend is at risk of DV? Wow!

Another here still in lockdown for health reasons. We've been out about 4 maybe 5 times max since lockdown started. We're staying in as much as possible and doing video calls etc with friends. There's a NDN DC plays with but not very often. In fact a soscially distanced chat with a friend the other day (them in garden, us in house) was the first physical contact we've had with someone properly since before lockdown started. DC is quite happy with how things are right now. We're ensuring we keep him busy as much as possible, however we only have one child so he's able to get focused attention. Not sure how it would be with more than one!

socially*

Hearhoovesthinkzebras we are encouraging him to go out even if he doesn’t get out of the car

We did have to force him the first few times

I think if there aren’t people living in the house who are able to force their family members out and about then I do wonder what it will take for these families to venture over their thresholds in the future.

This virus isn’t going away anytime soon. How long are they planning on staying indoors, 1 Year, 2 years 5 years

He’s 11 and hasn’t left the house since March, and the garden is unusable due to neglect..

That's genuinely really sad, I hope his mum gets help for her anxiety, as although it's not her fault she is struggling, that is bordering on cruel for him.