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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's like the dressing gown of doom, but food-related.....

166 replies

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 15/07/2020 20:22

Does anyone else have this?

DH works FT, I work PT mainly from home, and I look after the children pretty much full time. He is useless in the kitchen and only feeds them if I've sorted it all out beforehand. He does pull his weight in other areas but it's always been a bit of a bone of contention.

What really annoys me though, is when he's not keen on what I feed him. He likes meat and veg with gravy, and isn't big on pasta or rice although he'll eat it. He thinks mince isn't proper meat, and wouldn't think a vegetarian meal was enough for a working man.

Quite often - whether I've made something that hasn't worked out, whether it's something he finds too 'dry' or whether in desperation I've fed him chicken nuggets along with the kids (once!) - he has a tendency to let me know he's not enjoying it. This always makes me cross, in a 'feed yourself then you ungrateful git' sort of way - so now he just sits there with this looong face, and eats very slowly without speaking! It really is the knife and fork of doom!

Tonight he didn't fancy the pasta dish I'd planned so opted for some leftover cottage pie from the fridge (yes - mince....). I did veg and gravy so thought it would be OK, but it turned out there wasn't enough potato! (It's true, most of the mash had been eaten and it was quite meat-heavy).

So we all sat there throughout the meal while he stayed silent, and acted as though he was eating gruel. I could tell what was coming so left them to it and went off - DD told me later that he is sitting watching TV moaning about it all swirling around in his stomach...!

AIBU? Does anyone else get the cutlery of doom?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 15/07/2020 22:39

What a twat. My husband makes all the evening meals and has done for years. I say, thank you, every time

Show him the bread bin, toaster, tins of beans and ignore him until he grows up

TheVanguardSix · 15/07/2020 22:42

Sorry, OP! I was a bit harsh in my post. I really am sorry. I know this is meant to be humourous but I think I'm suffering from Covid Cooking Rage. I've never been more fed up of cooking (and I really enjoy cooking but the 'Lockdown Fry Cook All Day Long' bullshit's left its stain on me. ). I think I'm also secretly pissed off with my own DH and putting my rage onto yours. Mine has taken to (I feel rage burning as I type this) standing RIGHT next to be at the hob with his aggressive Oliver Asks For Fucking More game face. Like, if I don't just take the pot off the hob and put it on the floor for him to feed from like it's a trough, he might wither up and die on the spot. Even the dog is like, "Dude! You are the WORST scrounger." It's driving me to distraction. I'm there, cooking, and he's there, waiting like I'm running some mess hall for a bunch of Scouts.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/07/2020 22:43

Hah exdh would add the huffing and puffing /sighing and leaning back to "think" about his next forkful and no he would also absolutely claim he was thinking about work (whilst hiding a sandwich behind his back).

Mind you , he once made me macaroni cheese....I steadfastly refused to condone his usual behaviour by behaving as he had (and my meals and I am sure yours were not bad...just you know not drowning in gravy) but it took everything I had to smile and nod through the most God awful macaroni cheese ever created. I mean really , how do you screw up mac and cheese ? And what had the macaroni ever done to deserve that treatment ....it was brutal. So frankly after eventually (months later when he threatened me with another cheese based atrocity) I admitted it and every time he started would just say quietly "macaroni cheese ".

Come to think of it I should probably correct my DC on that one , I am a little afraid they now consider that phrase a vague and terrifying form of horses head in the bed type threat actually.

jessstan2 · 15/07/2020 22:49

If he doesn't like what you cook, he needs to learn to cook. You have kids so presumably have been together a while, why is this only an issue now? These are teething problems that are usually ironed out before yu get into the family state.

It isn't your job to feed the man and he is being childish acting disgruntled about it. However most people cook things like chops and chicken with roasties, veg and gravy some of the time so maybe you both need to spread your wings a bit regarding food. Do you never have a roast dinner? Your kids need to be eating with you sometimes too and get used to decent meals. Variety is the spice of life.

Goatinthegarden · 15/07/2020 22:49

I like to think I’m pretty laid back, but if I cooked DH a meal and was met with a miserable face, I would seriously lose my cool. I wouldn’t be rude to anyone who cooked for me and I wouldn’t expect anyone I had cooked for to be rude to me - it’s basic manners.

I dominate the cooking in my house. I like being in control of the menu and I like my own cooking. DH isn’t great at cooking but will try (and I always smile whilst I eat his attempts). DH always thanks me for cooking. He recently thanked me for cooking every night in an oddly formal way. When I asked what he was on about, he said it had occurred to him that if I didn’t take the time to cook for him, he’d probably just eat ready meals every day because of the organisation involved. I cook because I enjoy it, but it’s nice to be appreciated!

MilerVino · 15/07/2020 23:00

Couldn't put up with it OP. Both my partner and I cook and we will comment on meals but it's pretty much always positive and if we can't be entirely positive about the meal, we are at least grateful that the other person cooked it. Plus we both eat a pretty varied diet. We're also both vegetarian, which makes cooking a lot easier. Previously I've gone out with meat eaters and it's so lovely to just be able to cook, eat and share food.

Busymum45 · 15/07/2020 23:02

Omg I'd be horrified if my dh was like that.. sounds stuck in his ways

TatianaBis · 15/07/2020 23:03

OP this isn’t funny. The dressing gown of doom was funny. This is spoilt, selfish and entitled.

He will still be doing it when you’re 80 if you don’t put a stop to it now. I know this because my father does exactly the same thing. And my mother deeply regrets not taking him in hand early on because she’s stuck with him and it makes her seethe with fury and she’s had enough of him.

He won’t grow out of it, the more you do it the more it underlines the entitlement.

You don’t need him to acknowledge it. It doesn’t matter whether he admits it. You say whether he is aware of it or not, his reactions are unacceptable and after 20 years you’ve had enough, so he will cook his own supper from now on.

He may be working 24/7 but so are you. You’re working part time, doing all the childcare and cooking the evening meal. Absolutely no reason why he can’t cook for himself.

Standardy · 15/07/2020 23:06

Nah I couldn't deal with that, tell him to get his own food if you're isn't good enough.

2155User · 15/07/2020 23:08

OP, why do you find his behaviour funny?

Please, get some standards and model a healthy relationship in front of your children.

Purplewithred · 15/07/2020 23:09

Dh was brought up on meat and two veg - his dad won’t even eat chicken - so dh is constantly astonished by how varied my food is and exclaims “that was so tasty!” As if food with flavour is a new thing. He’s still baffled by some things. His face when I gave him risotto was a picture - rice pudding with mushrooms chicken in it? If I think he’s not going to like something I just serve it half an hour late - hunger is the best sauce, as my granny said.

Cam77 · 15/07/2020 23:11

The work split is kind of irrelevant in this situation.
If someone has put effort into trying to make something healthy and tasty, sulking like a 12 year old isn’t really on. It’s disrespectful. By all means get him to give you a list of likes and dislikes re.food (seeing as you’ve split it as your job). Usually people who work really hard are happy enough just to eat up what’s in front of them, even if it’s not the tastiest thing ever. I can’t stand picky eaters!

TatianaBis · 15/07/2020 23:12

The work split is kind of irrelevant in this situation.

Yep.

Busymum45 · 15/07/2020 23:13

Sorry what is the dressing gown of doom?

verybritishproblems · 15/07/2020 23:17

The 50s called they want their attitude back.

Sorry it’s an oldie I know but I just couldn’t help it

verybritishproblems · 15/07/2020 23:18

Sorry what is the dressing gown of doom?

Also, this! ?

justasking111 · 15/07/2020 23:20

We have an unspoken pact whoever cooks the dinner the other one does not complain, but washes up afterwards.

WinWinnieTheWay · 15/07/2020 23:22

Ask him to write up a list of acceptable meals. Buy them as ready meals and keep in the freezer. When he pulls a face at your menu for the evening you can ask "why don't you get one of your ready meals out if you don't fancy the delicious, nutritious food I am cooking?". Stick your finger up at him when is back is turned.

sadie9 · 15/07/2020 23:23

He sounds very rude and childish. He can't express himself so has to 'act out' his feelings with dramatic behaviours.

The Dressing Gown of Doom is when a certain type of man has a mild illness.
His feet start shuffling, he will put on a dressing gown to signal how sick he is, there will be a dramatic increase in sniffing and coughing whenever you are in earshot.
To be accompanied by huffing and puffing.
And loud slurping of Lemsips.

OchonAgusOchonO · 16/07/2020 00:02

@WinWinnieTheWay - Seriously? Why on earth would you pander to him like that?

WinWinnieTheWay · 16/07/2020 00:05

@OchonAgusOchonO because it would be preferable to looking at his miserable face and listening to his deafening silence? He sounds like a dick about this, but some people are fussy about food and it's probably better to accept it and compromise.

TatianaBis · 16/07/2020 00:12

He sounds like a dick about this, but some people are fussy about food and it's probably better to accept it and compromise.

He’s not going to get less fussy if OP buys him ready meals and flicks him the finger behind his back is he?

If he’s fussy he can make his own food the way he likes it, problem solved.

OchonAgusOchonO · 16/07/2020 00:12

@WinWinnieTheWay - I prefer to have some self respect. If someone treated me that disrespectfully, I would not be "accepting it and compromising". He would be sorting himself out.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 16/07/2020 00:24

I couldn't be doing with that level of passive aggressiveness to be honest. If something is cooked badly, i would prefer to be told Streisand. Chances are, I have figured that out myself, and we will laugh and order a pizza instead (have done that a couple of times in the last year when DS and I agree I've cooked a stinker). I ignore martyrs who force themselves to eat something they hate. I will involve whoever I am cooking for in the decisions about what I'm making usually, so there is consensus and no long faces if someone wants pasta but ends up with stew instead. But that reaction from a grown man would be it for me, i would refuse to cook for them if they were being such an arse.

lakeswimmer · 16/07/2020 00:25

We have a lot of complicated meal requirements in our house due to weird dietary needs and have taken to telling our teens what we're planning to have and if they don't like it they can cook themselves something else. Maybe you should just tell him to sort himself out if he doesn't like the sound of whatever you've got planned.

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