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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay in bed tomorrow and ask DH to contact my boss

129 replies

Gaffertape101 · 14/07/2020 23:18

I'm exhausted beyond exhausted - just Like many others are too probably. Currently managing working every day at home, looking after 2 DS 1 who is ASD, DH is also ASD, doing all the food shops, running the house, managing the finances and keeping everything ticking over, managing a garden renovation project, getting the family ready to go away and planning for it all. I just want to stay in bed tomorrow and ask DH to contact my boss (we work in same company) and say I'm exhausted physically and mentally and hes not waking me coz I need to rest before I collapse. He wont do it not even if I asked him.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 15/07/2020 11:35

Be a grown to. Call your boss yourself, say you have to take a day off sick because you are exhausted and it's giving you symptoms of lightheadness, dizziness, headaches or whatever you are experiencing and can't get on with your job that day.

Getting your husband to call to make a case for you is quite sad.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 15/07/2020 11:45

Tell your boss you simply have to have a day off before you collapse. Or get a note from your GP. No one should be worked to death.

If someone in my team said that they were going to collapse under the weight of, among other things, a garden renovation and packing and planning for a holiday, I would be Hmm. It's also pretty unfair on the employer to imply she's in any way being worked to death when all the stress appears to be outside work.

Op is clearly exhausted and would be better for a day off. You don't need gp to give a note for one day, she does need to be an adult and make the call. To me it's the dream of returning to childhood and having your mum tuck you back in and call the school - which I understand and sympathise with, but also isn't helpful when you are being paid by someone to do a job, and when many of the sources of exhaustion appear to be somewhat self imposed.

Hope you have a good rest op and speak to your DH about sharing work.

SeaToSki · 15/07/2020 11:50

How are you doing today OP?

Ginkypig · 15/07/2020 11:52

Any time @Gaffertape101

I'm sorry that you haven't had the response on here that you imo deserved I think the phoning into work part meant lots of people missed the actual point of your post Sad

I do think if you started a different thread just explaining how things are for you and how hard you are finding life at the moment you would get a completely different set of replies, lots of support and advice and a few lovely handholds, so if you feel strong enough that might be an idea.

You know that this can't go on like this though don't you. If something doesn't shift there's potential to tip into something more serious.

As much as completely understand the need for someone to just see you and help you without being asked but like I said above that doesn't really work, you (while you still have some fuel left in the tank) have to take control and put in place and have a conversation with whoever you need to so it's crystal clear that things are not ok and they need changed. Your husband's asd likely means he is clueless about the truth for you and will need you to properly spell out to him what you need from him. (Mine is too and he is lovely but sometimes!)

Also go to the gp it could be that in the short term a medication may be of use just to even out things until you have forced the life stuff to change. Your gp may very well sign you off (discuss with gp) for a week or two so you can rest enough to tackle things better.

Dump all the extra stuff that you do just because you think you should that isn't needed, lots of us waste precious energy on things that cf get us involved with but actually we could think just fuck this right off.

Get the professionals involved for the asd, there will hopefully be stuff that takes some of the pressure off you, even for a couple of hours a week!

Oh gosh that's long but hopefully it's helpful. Things can be better for you! Flowers

RHTawneyonabus · 15/07/2020 11:58

I get you. You just want someone to put you first for once and give you some tlc. Most men are actually crap at this. My advice would be that you need to set your own boundaries, not try to do it all and then expect someone else to step in at the point where you can’t cope.

FishyDuck · 15/07/2020 12:00

Someone else phoning in on behalf of a 'sick' employee would result in a disciplinary panel and quite possibly dismissal at the company where I'm a manager and director.

BiblioX · 15/07/2020 12:00

You have to take the consequences of your actions - you’ve chosen to do major garden work and plan a holiday within a pandemic, with the family you have, the consequence is tiredness. Don’t let others down. Have some early nights and communicate with your husband about health and unnecessary commitments.

Cadent · 15/07/2020 12:02

Someone else phoning in on behalf of a 'sick' employee would result in a disciplinary panel and quite possibly dismissal at the company where I'm a manager and director.

So glad I don’t work for you. I work for a huge corporation and my DH called my boss when my sibling died.

I would have no qualms about my DH calling my boss if I was ill and didn’t feel up to working.

AramintaLee · 15/07/2020 12:05

If my DP called my boss on my behalf and said I wasn't coming in because he noticed I was exhausted and so took matters into his own hands... I would be fuming. I'm a grown woman and I'm in control of whether I'm too exhausted to work. If I felt I was, I would be contacting my boss and asking for a few days off (which I did last week - took the week off as realised I was burnt out and feel so much better for it)

YANBU for wanting the people around you to notice you're exhausted, but YABU to think they should take it into their own hands to tell your boss you won't be working.

Carpedimum · 15/07/2020 12:13

I totally understood what you meant from the off @Gaffertape101 it sounds like DH isn’t pulling his weight & you’re at the end of your tether. I think you need to work on your communication with DH though because, like most on here, he’s not going to get your way of approaching this & send him down a rabbit-hole of you not wanting to face up to your boss or work responsibilities. Your issue is with him and how much is loaded on your plate. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. See what you can feasibly drop & put your mental health higher on your agenda than the garden or holiday packing.

Scarlettpixie · 15/07/2020 12:13

You DH shouldn’t be the one to decide if you need a day off sick! I would be fuming If mine had made the decision not to wake me for work. It’s absolutely not his call!

You can’t really think it is ok to take a say off sick because you are tired from planning a holiday and managing a renovation? If you are struggling, these things can be put on hold. You also need to communicate with your DH and get him to do more and take some down time on your day off.

Cadent · 15/07/2020 12:21

You DH shouldn’t be the one to decide if you need a day off sick!

But he hasn’t decided OP needs a day off, OP has decided, she just needs him to communicate it to her boss.

Whilst I don’t agree that he should tell her boss he’s exhausted but people saying OP wants him to decide doesn’t fit what is said in the OP. So need for all this fummming people.

AnIckabog · 15/07/2020 12:25

@FishyDuck

Someone else phoning in on behalf of a 'sick' employee would result in a disciplinary panel and quite possibly dismissal at the company where I'm a manager and director.
Please tell me there is a limit to this? What if they were in hospital, or driving across the country to their parent's deathbed (ie in a car, driving)?
PhilCornwall1 · 15/07/2020 12:32

If a partner of one of my team called in sick for them, I'd ask them if the team member was incapacitated and could not call. If not, I'd be saying please pass on the message that they need to call in themselves, if not, it will be recorded as an unauthorised absence, as per company policy and due process followed upon their return.

An email confirming this would then be sent to the team member.

moveandmove · 15/07/2020 12:42

We are all exhausted at the minute surely? Why take on a garden renovation project if you're that exhausted? I don't think it's appropriate to call in sick because you're exhausted from things you've opted to take on in your personal life. Take a holiday day if you want a day off.

Tigersneeze · 15/07/2020 12:44

sounds like you mainly want you partner to SEE you and your exhaustion. Do you split life admin and childcare 50/50?
I'd focus in that (after the sick day)

WhereamI88 · 15/07/2020 13:22

Why are you doing everything? That's your problem right there. Don't fuck up your career and employment prospects because you have an unsupportive partner.

Booksandwine80 · 15/07/2020 13:45

My work wouldn’t allow this and would class it as not turning up to work. They will only speak to someone else if you are incapacitated. You’re not a child, phone them yourself Hmm

dogperson05 · 15/07/2020 13:58

I think sometimes you feel like you don't want to go in, you'll just feel bad for not going. Get an early night and have a coffee and go to work. You can book annual leave. I would not be happy if an employee called in because they were exhausted from gardening project - that's what your weekends are for- shouldn't be calling in sick for that. Hope you enjoy some annual leave and you can enjoy it knowing you aren't breaching policy

Brefugee · 15/07/2020 14:01

but you're exhausted because you're doing too much outside of work, so why should work suffer for that? YABU for throwing a sickie for that. Take a day's leave.
Also call your own boss.

Parker231 · 15/07/2020 14:06

We expect everyone to ring in themselves if they are ill unless they are physically unable to do so.

Ellisandra · 15/07/2020 14:08

You say your husband works in the same company - so you have to factor in that him calling in for you makes him look like a dick at his workplace, as well as you!

It is ridiculous that you claim to be exhausted from looking after children and working (which to be fair is exhausting) whilst he seems to have time to “manage a garden renovation.”

Elsewyre · 15/07/2020 14:18

@FishyDuck

Someone else phoning in on behalf of a 'sick' employee would result in a disciplinary panel and quite possibly dismissal at the company where I'm a manager and director.
Wow so you fire everyone who has a major accident ie car crash and is unconscious or hospitalized or say they catch some crazy virus that necessitates them being sedated and a tube down their throat? (Thank God that never happens eh?)

That must cost you a fortune in unfair dismissal claims

SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 15/07/2020 14:31

Just ring in with the shits.Noone needs to know you're burnt out.

thesunisup · 15/07/2020 14:42

I don't get this OP. If you have to ask your husband to ring your boss and say you're exhausted then you haven't achieved what you (understandably) want, and that's for him to notice how exhausted you are, unprompted.

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