Do you track your teenager?

[Coffeesndteav]

I have had my dd on the friend finder app. We live about a mile away from her school so being in the park with friends etc it eases my mind.She is 13 next week.

We have had a temper tantrum tonight saying none of her friends parents do this. I am a stalker. We don't trust her. We care too much

Her attitude is very bad at the moment. Wow teens are hard work.

AIBU to track her on the app?

My DC are now young adults but I would never have done this, I think it's awful. Kids that age need independence and freedom from constant observation to develop a bit of self reliance. They also deserve to have a bit of privacy.

YANBU. We all have this on our phones, it’s a really handy app (find my friends) and when I say all I mean DCs, DH, my parents my siblings my nieces and nephews and I! It’s just really handy like another poster said, so for example lockdown meet ups in large parks we’ve never been to before..:we can check we’re all heading to the same part/place. Not getting too worried if your kids are late and knowing they are safe. Not having to text and wait for a reply before you know they’re alright because they either haven’t left the place yet or they’re just around the corner from home. Helps with getting tea on when everyone’s home. Helps when the family are setting off to visit us and I’d like to make sure I have time to jump in the shower or get in a workout before they arrive! So many uses, and trust doesn’t even come into it for us. Why are so many people banging on about trust and privacy when there’s nothing remotely invasive about it. To be honest I don’t quite understand the teens who have an issue unless they’re really doing something they ought not to be - when I was a teenager I would’ve been happy for my mum to track me, but then that’s just me and everyone is different! OP I think you should just have a good talk with her and explain your reasons. You’re the parent and these are your rules so don’t feel like you’re doing something terrible when you’re not.

And no we don’t “constantly track”. It’s there for when it’s useful, that’s all

@CrowleysBentley

My DC are now young adults but I would never have done this, I think it's awful. Kids that age need independence and freedom from constant observation to develop a bit of self reliance. They also deserve to have a bit of privacy.

It’s just plain silly to say that any of us parents would give a 13 year old complete privacy and not want to know where they are. It is not the same as ‘constant observation’ at all.

For example _ Giving a 13 year old total access to the internet without being able to check what websites or apps they use it totally irresponsible as parents. We are all finding that out as we realize how open the internet is.

So anyone saying that they give their 13 year olds complete privacy and freedom is either really overplaying it, or actually being neglectful as a parent.

I don’t think 13 year olds have to have a tracker on their phone, but it’s really useful. I sat down with my DS and told him he either had the phone with friendfinder or he didn’t have the phone. I was happy to talk to him at length about privacy, that it was only until he was 15 or 16, that I wouldn’t be constantly checking him, and that I thought he was honest and capable. I explained that until he was 15/16 that he should always have the ability to check where I was, and I him, as we were both in a guardian / child relationship and that I felt it was the responsible thing to do as his parent. I would never just go out and not tell him where I was going either, and wanted him to be able to check anytime even if he coudln’t get hold of me directly, where I was.

So we have to be accountable, but everyone shrieking ‘it’s Black Mirror’! Is being totally OTT.

Now doing this when they are at Uni... I agree a bit weird!

Also, I think we need to question what privacy kids need? At 13 years old?

They need to have private conversations with their friends.
They need to have private time in their room, door shut, in the bathroom, we as parents need to knock on their door.
They need to have privacy in not having to explain in details constantly exactly who they are with or what they do.
They also need our respect to stand back from some of their choices and decisions, to let them form their own ideas without us as parents dominating them.

They do NOT need to:
Keep where they are or go private.
Keep what they do on the internet / chat sites private at 13 because of the dangers there.

I haven’t read anyone say children should have free reign on the Internet or keep where they are going private?

I just don’t track my kids movements when she is out my sight.

Uni kids being home every single night? That would worry me. Not a single late night out or party?

Really? Surely it’s just a case of different people having different interests?

For what it’s worth, not that it’s the point of the thread, both my dds have great groups of like-minded friends, who prefer to socialise in the daytime rather than at night, visiting museums/theatres etc, using their student discounts to bag cheap tickets.

A quarter of young people nowadays don’t drink alcohol at all. Uni life no longer revolves entirely around alcohol and parties - if you like those things, great, but there are other options if you don’t.

Lydia Seriously, it’s not normal to track adults uni. Give them privacy.

At uni.

@lydia7986

Uni kids being home every single night? That would worry me. Not a single late night out or party?

Really? Surely it’s just a case of different people having different interests?

For what it’s worth, not that it’s the point of the thread, both my dds have great groups of like-minded friends, who prefer to socialise in the daytime rather than at night, visiting museums/theatres etc, using their student discounts to bag cheap tickets.

A quarter of young people nowadays don’t drink alcohol at all. Uni life no longer revolves entirely around alcohol and parties - if you like those things, great, but there are other options if you don’t.

They don’t have to be out drinking to be out late.

Never being out at night to a mates or a party is unusual and would worry me.

My DS is one of the most bookish kids there is. He and his mates do museums and he also works part time. Even he’s had the odd night out at uni. As he should. Even I have the odd night out and I’m a mum of 6. Never going out is highly unusual when you don’t have commitments.

I’d be assume they either didn’t want the hassle or embarrassment of being checked up on by their parent meaning they either left their phone at home (which is not good for safety) or chose not to go out (which is not a good reason to not go).

@Nicknacky

I haven’t read anyone say children should have free reign on the Internet or keep where they are going private?

I just don’t track my kids movements when she is out my sight.

Many posters on this thread have said that their young children should have complete privacy and total trust. So I used the internet as another example.

I presume that you ask your kids where they are going? And if at 13 you didn’t want to know or care where they were I’d say that was neglectful. So tracker or no tracker - a 13 year old’s whereabouts are a parents business.

We all have each other. It’s how we find lost phones. Kids lose phones. Often.

And instead of texting to ask ‘where are you?’ I look at FMP. I have 3 teens.

We all have the option enabled on our respective phones. We have nothing to hide.
I’m talking my husband and my kids and I.

Not teenagers, but due to employment related security concerns, we track our younger children. We also have a nephew with us, who now is under the same conditions.

My DH and I disagree on this topic. I believe in tracking, but with the philosophy that anything we find out based on their location in the future (e.g. lying, alcohol etc) cannot be disciplined or raised as we wouldn't know if we didn't track. It is ONLY for emergencies and locating them. I work in a field that means I'm able to sort of separate those issues, while my DH says either we track and discipline everything or don't track at all. His feeling being that he gets obsessive about checking where they are and won't be able to help it. So that's my responsibility, not his.

Equally though, we go with the amnesty on misdeeds if they come and confide in us. Whether we'd have surveillance they're aware of? I think that is a security flaw to be perfectly honest. Awareness of the system breeds awareness of evasion. It's been really interesting to read people's perspectives on here. Having tracking on the phone is doing just that - locating the phone, not the person. Kids lose devices so often.

I suffered the eighties equivalent of this which was basically my dad in a ford cortina slowly driving past whichever park I was in or bench I was sat on. My friends could never quite belive how bad it was, he even followed me on foot. This was a pattern of behaviour that started at about 13 and went through to 17 or so. I'd done nothing to warrant it. I wasn't drinking on street corners etc

Obviously rebellion came enormously and it took years for the relationship with my parents to recover. Whilst phone tracking may be a lot more discreet than a dad in a bright red car it's still the same lack of trust that just doesnt sit right with me. As a result neither of my children were tracked. Both survived unscathed and my relationship with them was far more open and honest than the one I had with my parents.

Tbf, any kid with a bit of sense that doesn't want to be tracked can find an app to set a fake location pretty easily.

@NotShiny

She is potentially up to something. Otherwise why would she worry about it. All my kids have the tracker. It's for their safety. They can equally track me so they can see how close I am when they need me. In my opinion they only have a phone for their safety so the tracker stays

I agree.

Reciprocal tracking shouldn't be an issue. She shouldn't mind.

Personally I would explain that it's for her own safety, and she can also track me. Say it's only for emergencies. And that's it. End of story. This is what we do.

Let her kick up a fuss. It would make me suspicious and I'd probably check what she's up to.

Teenage girls are so susceptible to peer pressure. Sometimes you just have to get them back on side. You're the adult. Not her friends.

To those saying it is controlling, it's not using the app that is controlling - it's the intention behind it that could be controlling.

We all have it on our phones. I trust my 13 year old to be where she says she is, but it's sometimes useful to see if she is on her way home if I am putting dinner on. Same with my partner. My daughter and her friends all have it on their phones and none of them care.

I quite like having it on mine. Saves any calls asking where I am

I don't track my teenagers. I've read the whole thread and can appreciate the usefulness of it, but my gut feeling is that it's an invasion of privacy.

A lot of people use the ‘track my phone’ thing don’t they? A colleague of mine said she used to use it when she lived at home to see when her parents would be home (and she could shove her boyfriend out before they got there).

I'm struggling with the logic behind some parents' thinking here. Several posters have said the tracker is a condition of having a smart phone, or a phone at all, and the alternative if the kid disagrees is a basic phone or no phone. And that would be fine, because they are the ones paying for the contract. But taken to its logical conclusion that doesn't make sense. If the reason for having the tracker in the first place is to be sure the child is safe and they know where she is, the poster would buy the smart phone regardless of the child's opinion on whether they want a phone or not. If the child rebels and says no to the tracker, hence has no smart phone, is the child then kept in the house, or are they allowed out and about, without being tracked? If that's the case, then having the tracker is not about safety at all, but about a way of exerting control and leverage over a child who has requested a smart phone. The smart phone is not the reason a child would lie about their location. Most kids accept the condition because they want the shiny new phone, but actually its not logical.

We put it on when DS started secondary school and was travelling by himself for the first time (a lot closer than his old school). He doesn’t really care and it is kind of fun when he’s in a school trip and we can see him whizzing along in far found places (not these days though).

In ye olden days I know parents who would physically, private-eye style follow their kids (sneaking onto tube carriages, watching them as they took the bus etc) when they started school across town.

Unless your DD's given you good reason to mistrust her I don't blame her for being upset. At what age are you intending to give her more freedom?

I think Florabella makes a good point: it is the intention that matters.

To my mind, there is a MASSIVE difference between a family all agreeing to mutual tracking because they find it convenient and imposing one-way tracking on a person because you don't trust them.

My DB and SIL have mutual tracking because it's convenient. Doesn't seem in the least controlling to me. But if my dh came and told me one day that he wanted to put tracking on my phone to know where I went, I would feel very differently about that.

Now obviously in the case of a teenager, you do need to exercise parental control to some extent. But at the same time you also need to be training them towards adulthood. Ime a big part of that is letting them feel that they are basically dependable, capable people and that your relationship is based on mutual trust.

So while I accept that there are some areas where you might need to keep an eye, I would also think it important to make sure there were other areas where they did feel free and unsupervised and able to rely on their own decisions. And I would make sure those areas grew as they grew older.

The internet is probably an area where I would assert more control these days, as that is a particularly dangerous place. But going to the shops or to the parks hasn't actually become more dangerous than it was 20 years ago. So that is the area where I would start by opening up some freedom and privacy.

Now if the teens themselves thought mutual tracking was a good idea, then that would be a different matter. But I wouldn't necessarily find it suspicious if they didn't.