To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

Uncertain Future, I understand your situation. I've seen a number of wives trapped in this way and unfortunately I've seen a couple of them have breakdowns and marriages go under. So many men who are great at the practical side of their trade are rubbish at the admin. I suspect that a lot of general builders and those who haven't have to pass exams to get where they are are functionally illiterate and rely on their wives to produce all the estimates and invoices and so on.

It can work if both parties enjoy it and are committed to working hard to achieve a mutual aim. It can also be hell. I know because I run a small construction company. Things are forever changing: the plans, the build, the costs, the expectations — and then you've got the weather and trying to work with other trades. So you're having to be a psychologist and a lawyer and an insurance expert and be on top of building regs and current standards and so on. And your best tradespeople are always being poached by other companies and there's never any escape from the pressure. You don't go home at night and forget about the work. This is the nature of the job and it drives a lot of people out of the industry.

As you seem to see leaving the marriage and business as your only options, you might want to think about looking for work as a project manager: there are good career prospects. Or if you still like the idea of construction even after this experience, how about training as a. surveyor? Could you get away from your home office long enough to go and have a chat with someone in a recruitment company who will be able to give you some ideas of how you could transfer your skills?

As you've built this business with your husband if you leave you'll probably be entitled to half the value of the business. I'd get out now, while you're still so young. Good luck.

@PopsicleHustler Where does the OP say her DH is supportive of her? Especially when he's even said they'd have to split if she wanted to work elsewhere? The OP's the one who's been doing all the supporting, her DH has been doing all the taking, of her time and energy, her dreams and desires.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, but like most PPs, I think you would be better off getting out. You can love someone and still leave them for any reason you see fit.
I think knowing what you’d like to do instead is something of an advantage, though - as is being entitled to half the business if you did leave.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me, I feel like it's really helped me a lot.

It was hard to read some of the things but I feel like I can't deny most of it and it has given me a lot to think about.

Thank you as well to the person who encouraged me to go to counselling, I've actually just got off the phone to someone who seems nice and I have booked an initial appointment.

That's good news OP, I think that will really help you to organise you thoughts. Good luck!

Well done OP.

You are so young and have the possibility of a wonderful future.

That's fantastic OP, one step forward.

Well done OP. Proud of you. Please keep us posted. Xx

[quote UncertainFuture]@Dinomom52 I wouldn't say he was controlling as such, but he definitely is a bit bossy and does like things done his own way. He's not a bad person and isn't mean to me though.[/quote]
But didbt you say you like a boss who tells you what to do and hate feeling rudderless?

If you dont want to lrve him. I'd start by hiring an assistant for yourself to give yourself more me time. Get them trained up then you could look for.another assistant and then basically over see the pair of them while getting on with your own interests

Sell it to dh that if you are going to try if at some point you need staff trained in your job