To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

Sorry for the triple post it kept saying it had t posted and to retry!

Tell him this. You could suggest going to university and doing part time work for him (most students have a part time job so you could do and afternoon and a weekend or something. Do you want out of the marriage?

There are no good and bad people. Real humans are complex.

Murderers have good qualities and can be kind. Nuns have bad qualities and can be nasty.

The "bad person" angle is a distraction from the decisions you need to make. He could be a saint and it still be the right decision for you to leave him.

@SarahBellam we did actually try this before but it didn't work. The job is too all consuming, I couldn't manage both.

He definitely sounds controlling. It makes no sense that you feel your entire relationship depends on working for him. Work is not everything. It sounds like you feel you aren’t allowed to quit. And him being hurt over it - that just sounds manipulative.

God he sounds controlling. Handy that you know how much the business takes.

I would leave, it sounds miserable. Imagine looking back at 60 thinking that this was what you did with the best years of your life?

OP you've been with him half your life and you are still only 30. It really is not essential that you stay in this job or this relationship if they do not make you feel happy and fulfilled.

Do you actually love him? Do you think he loves you?

From the outside it is completely insane that you think the only way you can stay married to him is to keep working for him. From what you've posted it's clear that there's a lot of fucked-up shit going on. But if your marriage genuinely had a strong foundation then anyone who cared for you would a million times rather you got another job than that you got divorced!

You might as well tell him you're going to stop working for him and just see what happens then. If he takes that as incompatible with being married, well, you get divorced which it seems you're prepared for. If he actually wants to stay married to you, perhaps there is something that can be worked on, and you can get that other job.

Let him decide. Insomuch that you can quit the job because clearly it’s not a good fit for you, and that is clearly the right course of action, if he then decides that then should mean an end to the relationship then bingo, you know where you stand. You can cross the ideal-lifestyle bridge after these first steps..

I’d have to leave I think.

Really think about taking a break away for a while.

Sounds like you can’t carry on as you are. Somethings got to give. Don’t let it be your mental health.

You sound a very young 30. If you want to change your life, do it, only you can. Does your dh have any idea you feel this way? If not, talk to him. I can't fathom wanting to leave someone I had been with for 15 years over something this trivial unless there are other issues? You don't have to work for him, do something else. I would be completing job applications or applying for courses if that is what you want to do. Do you have any plans for your future at the moment it just sounds very wishy washy? Maybe decide what you want for yourself in the short term and explain it to your dh and take it from there. If your not being part of the business is a deal breaker for him then you have had a lucky escape. However, he may surprise you and actually be supportive, you won't know until you speak to him!

You’re in denial OP.

This is really concerning:

I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

So he gets to do the job he wants and you have to put up or have no financial freedom?

And all that ‘not trusting’ bollocks. He either has a successful company and delegates effectively or he micro-manages and it never reaches its potential because of his controlling nature.

There is zero reason you shouldn’t be able to leave that job and given what you’ve said, yes, you probably SHOULD leave him.

I bet if you think properly about it you’ll realise he’s not very nice a lot of the time.

[quote UncertainFuture]@user1456324865563 I agree I think I do definitely need to learn to live my own life. I'm a bit of a doormat really, always have been. I see a lot of similarities between my husband, my mum and my best friend growing up. I always just do what everyone else wants, I hate the thought of people being unhappy, I'd rather be unhappy myself.[/quote]
You need to get some counselling, if you can. This is really unhealthy and codependent, and it also doesn't work.

You are far too young to settle for something that isn't making you happy. It depends where you see your life going over the next ten years. Maybe a few sessions with a life coach type person may help you to focus on what needs to change in your life.

@Disfordarkchocolate you're right, and I think that's why it's all coming to a head for me now. This probably sounds silly but I've seen what it feels like now to not be stressed, not be unhappy, not be anxious and I can't face the thought of just existing like this for the rest of my life.

You need to work on your assertiveness and self-confidence. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live the life you want. Counselling will help you achieve this. Good luck.

I lost my job due to ill health in January @UncertainFuture. I'm not well enough to work full time but the ad-hoc work I've found is the perfect fit for me, very rewarding.

My husband hasn't once complained about the changes we've had to make, he can see this work makes me happy. That's what a supportive partner does, loves to see you happy.

Are you in the construction industry, OP? I know so many women who've helped their husbands by doing the books, typing up the estimates, dealing with suppliers and then find a year or two later that they're running a small company, employing people and often dealing with large budgets, difficult clients and all kinds of contractual and statutory requirements that you have to learn about — often the hard way. It's really stressful. You'd be a godsend to another similar company.

You need to think about yourself here .At 30 you have been with him half your life! If you want to move on thats fine you can! Also if you are married would be entitled to your share of the business surely? I think you could use your share to go to Uni ,and maybe get a small house /flat whatever .Do it now. Once you have children it will be more difficult for you .Maybe see a Solicitor and get your ducks all in a row, before telling DH.

I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up

This alone would make me leave. He is emotionally blackmailing you. This is not good. He is controlling you.

Last September I went to work in my husbands business. I wasn’t qualified enough for the role I was given and really struggled. By Christmas my anxiety was really bad and I didn’t want to go in work. I was having nightmares too and my IBS was playing up.

I told him and he said ‘ok, we will figure something out’ and I didn’t go back after the Christmas holidays.

Your DH is taking the piss out of you. Your mental health means fuck all to him and I bet he isn’t paying you the going rate. Do you actually get paid your own wages?

You’re just 30 and you don’t have children? Jesus Christ OP. Walk out the door tomorrow and don’t look back.

(Actually he owes you a massive share of the business that you built together - not HIS business - and you should seek legal advice, build up a financial stash in a separate bank account, etc - do it the smart way. But LEAVE).

I think you need interaction with other people.
It seems like a small thing, it is not. Lone working is very hard.

I used to work on my own for my dh, dealing with the general public has given me what seems like permanent anxiety. I don’t leave the house Often now - covid aside.

Stop the job and “mooch” around for a while doing you, it sounds like you might be able to afford it. Maybe do some private one on one yoga classes and calming activities.

If he doesn’t understand then it’s probably worth considering leaving (AND TAKING HALF OF EVERYTHING)

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up

If that is really the case then I think you should split up. You sound dreadfully unhappy and you deserve that happiness. I agree with PP, you have been with him since you were a child. Every relationship runs it's course and maybe it's time you moved on to a life where you are valued more highly than in terms of what you bring to his business.

Yes everything is 100% above board, I take a salary and pay tax/NI etc

Is your salary at least benchmarked against similar roles in other organisations?

You must think about finding a different job. The job you are doing is making you so ill, you've had to take antidepressants! It's just not worth it and surely your husband will be able to see that. Get him to outsource some of your job to another person and look around for something different.