To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

Reading this has made me really sad. If your dh wouldn’t support you in doing something else then yes you should leave. That’s not a good relationship that’s a prison.
If that really is his attitude (and not anxiety making you think this is how he feels) he’s awful and I’m so sorry.

Do you have formal qualifications? Is he older than you? How did you meet when you were 15? Sounds like you've been in a controlling relationship with him for a long time, since you were a teenager, so you probably can't see the controlling nature of the relationship because it's been normal for you for so long.

Your symptom of nightmares and stammering and anxiety show serious troubles that you are suppressing. You think the job is the source of the stress but since the job & your DH are intertwined, I'd guess it's a deeper anxiety around displeasing him or losing his trust. He has trained you to be dependent on him. You should try to see a therapist to explore these issues rather than relying on medication to mask the issue. ADs are useful to get you through a tough spot temporarily but they don't tackle the root of the problem.

You are far too young now not to follow your dreams

If going to Uni and being a teacher is your dream - DO IT. He will either support you or he will not

Your whole adult life seems to have been frmaed around being simply a adjunct of his life rather than having one of your own and that isnt anyway to live or the basis for a relationshop

If he wants to run a successful business he's got to get over 'not trusting people'. What would happen if the business suddenly went global? Would he insist on running it all - with you working away behind the scenes? Or would he delegate?

Tell him you can't work for him any more. Not 'don't want to' but 'can't'. It's ruining your mental health. If he won't put your mental health before his desire to 'not trust strangers', then you need to leave.

And I'd work on your mental health before you go into teacher training by the way. That's a job that isn't easy on the MH, and can be incredibly stressful if you already feel a little fragile.

Hi OP, you do sound really unhappy, which is not surprising from what you have told us, and also, this strange time has many of us questioning our lives.
I was wondering if you could say to your husband that you are not happy working for him anymore, that you want an equal partnership both at home and at work. You could then ask him if he would rather you found a job elsewhere (or go to uni in the autumn - which you should definitely do sometime in the next few years anyway, if that is where your heart lies), or you become equal partners at work - legally - and see if that helps both your sense of esteem and the satisfaction you may get from your new role.
If you don't fancy that, I think you should go on a "holiday" without him for a couple of weeks, either on your own or with friends, to give yourself time to think things through away from your current situation.
Actually I think that you should have sometime away from him before asking him what he thinks, as you do sound as though you may have fallen out of love with him anyway. Whatever you do, once the worst of this virus is over, please don't live a half life anymore. Oh I suppose you should consider marriage guidance too, as that is what agony aunts seem to advice! Good luck with whatever you decide OP, but please do make some decisions x

OP have you and your H actually been tested for infertility?

What a horrifying thought that you could be giving up your own chance at children just to be the desperately unhappy and unpaid slave of an appreciative man.

I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

This is completely dysfunctional every which way. I would leave the business and your DH. No way this is a healthy relationship.

I know you have said you are 30. How old is he?

He is so used to getting his own way, at the detriment of your mental and physical health. You need to stop this and do something for you.

The threats of separate finances are all to keep you exactly where he wants you. Again, his way or no way. Why is there no discussion? Why is there no recognition from him of what you are going through.

If you were suddenly unable to work (hospitalised) then he would have to replace your role in the company and give it to someone else.

I am getting the feeling that because you were 15 when you met, he was older because it looks from the outside like he has moulded you into what he wanted and now you are afraid to do what you want to do.

@Sceptre86 You make it sound so simple.

No I don’t have any plans for my future, how could I?

Children were in it but I’ve recently given up hope that that will happen. Growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher, I did go to Uni but I couldn’t cope managing the demands of It with working for DH and I also lost a parent while I was there very suddenly, so I left after my first year but it’s something I think I could be good at. I do struggle to make decisions though.

Also, DH does know about the issues I had with my mental health and I have told him multiple times that I struggle with the job but I find it hard to be completely honest about it.

So you tell him...

1. He needs a P.A. or someone to do whatever you do
2. He needs support from an accountant/HR consultant/social media company/whatever to run the business
3. Your money is joint money (are you married)
4. You want to do your own thing now

If he doesn't agree to all of the above you know what to do...

30 is no age. You deserve better.

I just think you need to talk to him and be really honest with how you feel. If you love him and want to stay with him tell him that but tell him you can carry on as things a mrs with work and you have your own aspirations you want to work in.

Without sounding harsh If he wants to break up purely because you won’t work for him then he’s not a very good partner anyway. Also the talk of having to split everything in half if you work elsewhere does sound a little manipulative, almost like a threat to stop you leaving the job.

I know exactly how you feel . I am suffering with stress at work and it is affecting my health . But I am a lot older than you . My advice tell him how you feel . If he is not supportive then you have your answer . Life is too short to be doing a job that is making you so unhappy. If he loves you he will consider your feelings .

As a first step, can I suggest you get a couple of self-help books from Amazon for assertiveness? His trust issues with money and staff are his issue. You could have 40 more years of this. Is that really what you want to do with your life? Most business owners have to trust people with money at some point - he needs to find the right person.

Oh my gosh @Shedbuilder that's funny, yes we are. DH started out as a man in a van and I would just help him with his receipts as I was good on a computer and at maths. The company grew and here we are.

@Evelefteden That’s how it is for me too, I started out just typing his receipts into an excel spreadsheet to send to the accountant, the role has grown so much and I am not qualified for what the role now needs.

I'm sorry you had this too but glad your DH was so supportive.

I cope with the job because there is no alternative. Many times I have thought about leaving my DH just to get away from my work. I am disabled so would struggle to get an office based job. I work flexi hours and am training as a Reiki practitioner. I have the choice to leave the job but how ? It is just not practical. I have a lot of career regrets. DH says well do something else then, but would still expect the business work done.

I feel like you've been with him through your formative years when most people would have tried out a few different jobs in their 20's -you have nothing to compare it to, no chance to explore anything else.

Mabe your husband has ended up with the most interesting side of the job and you've ended up stuck in the office?

You've got 40 years of working life left- do something you enjoy. Lots of women come into their own in their 30's.

@user1456324865563

There are no good and bad people. Real humans are complex.

Murderers have good qualities and can be kind. Nuns have bad qualities and can be nasty.

The "bad person" angle is a distraction from the decisions you need to make. He could be a saint and it still be the right decision for you to leave him.

This !!!

It doesn't matter if he is controlling or not, what matters is that you're not happy and your health is deteriorating. Even if you were 80 years old you deserve to be happy and it's never too late.

Ask yourself 2 questions
1 - You keep saying he will want to separate if you quit the job, what about what YOU want? Do you want to stay with him or do you want to split up?

2 - what would you like to do instead of your current job - work, study or travel?

As PP have said, if you want to stay together, then tell him you need to quit for your health's sake and you want to do X instead and see how he reacts. If he loves you he will support you, if not, good riddance.

If you don't want to be with him then make sure your finances are in order, quit your job, pack your bags and go. It's not about your mum, friends, husband or anyone else. You need to put yourself first because no one else will.

@UncertainFuture and I reading it right that you quit UNi because the demands of helping him were too much. At the same time as you lost (your Mum?) leaving you adrift with no support

Is he older than you because your life seems to have completely being subsumed into his

First of all, any job you’re having nightmares about and waking up in a panic about is a job you need to leave.

Second, from what you say I do think you want to leave your husband because of work I think you want to leave your husband and leave your work. (For good reasons.)

Third, this is really alarming:

“I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

Your relationship is like Hotel California (you can check out any time you like but you can never leave).

It’s really concerning that your work for DH came before your education, it should have been the other way round.

So: change your life: follow your dream: get out of this nightmarish trap.

Sounds to me like you want to leave him and are looking for a way out. I cannot imagine what else would cause you to say that if you leave the job you have to leave the husband. That seems ridiculous.

I work for my dh and I do find it boring, sometimes, but it suits our family. However DH knows this so encourages me to do other things during the day, away from the office.

You’ve told your H you don’t like this job and he’s ignoring you and your wishes. He doesn’t sound supportive or kind. You should tell him again that you hate your job and want to do something else, and if he doesn’t find someone else to do it, you’ll be leaving.

Oh, OP.

You quit university because you prioritised your husband's business?
And he let you?

Gosh.

Your mental health is worth more than his 'trust issues'.

Those ' trust issues' are just him being controlling, but rebranded in a way that is acceptable to you.

Op, you are too young to give up your dreams.
Your husband should put your happiness first.
Please talk to him. His business is not more important than your happiness, your dreams, your future.
This is very sad

OP Have you told him how much you hate the job? He has surely noticed the mental health difficulties, have you told him they are related to the job?

I think you might have a conversation with him along the lines of - You’ve supported him for X years doing a job you hate so he can do do a job he loves, you think it’s time now for him to support you in doing a job you love. See what he says. Is this relationship you have a partnership for both of you or are you a helpmeet in his eyes, only valued/wanted/loved in as much as you lift him up?

@InionEile I don’t really have any formal qualifications, I did a year of uni then left. Majority of my work background is admin and customer service.

He’s three years older than me, we met at a concert.

I am struggling with the idea of him being controlling and it’s turning over and over in my head, because on the one hand like I said he does like things his way but on the other he doesn’t physically hurt me and I take care of the finances.

I do agree that I would benefit from some counselling, I would love to have some in fact but GP waiting times are so long it seems pointless as I might feel better by then? I would go private but I have no idea how to even find someone. I’ve looked in the past but where I live isn’t a very affluent area and Ive struggled to find someone who seems reputable. I don’t have anyone I can ask for recommendations.