To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I don’t really have much of a social life to be honest. I’ve never had loads of friends but did have a small group but over the years a couple have moved away, others have had babies and don’t have as much time now. I don’t think that helps in some ways, I see my Mum socially every couple of weeks and my best friend, DSis and DSIL every couple of months. So it’s not loads, and then DH is always working, and I have no one to talk to at work, so I do feel lonely a lot.

I don't think he would ever get over the hurt of me not wanting to be a part of it,

Well that's not normal. You are not his appendage.

and I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt I'd feel.

You should not have to feel guilty because your husband can't cope with you needing some separation between home and work. He is causing you severe stress.

He seems to have some quite profound control issues and he is using you as his safety object. That is not a good role for you. He is forcing you into an unnatural role so as to comfort his own neuroses and he has no regard for how much damage that role is doing to you.

You are carrying his stress. He can stress you out because that keeps him calm. He "trusts" you meaning that you do as he says and he can exert a lot of control over what you do and when you do it and you don't resist. And his own wellbeing is more important to him than yours.

You may have issues but so does he (big time!) and it sounds as if you are outgrowing him and outgrowing your need for him.

I might feel better by then?

If you did feel better you could leave the waiting list or cancel the sessions, it's not a problem. But actually it's unlikely because you're talking about deep seated and long term problems which wont just go away by themslves. They go for a time but come back again, as you have found. You need to understand where this is really coming from and develop some better strategies for dealing with it than just doing what makes your over-controlling husband happy. A counsellor would be a good start.

When he’s asking me to send an email at 6:30am, then I want to leave him. I don’t know which is the truth?

They can both be the truth. You know the rhyme about the little girl with the curl - "when she was good she was very very good and when she was bad she was horrid"? That's your husband. And you said he's a workaholic so that means you can't be getting many of those "good" relaxed days out and you must be getting far more of the "horrid" stressy work bullying. Though now I can see why he would be heartbroken if you stopped working for him. No employee would send his emails at 6.30am!

OP you need to tell him that the job is making you ill, and you’re not going to do it anymore. And if that means you split up - so be it. I’m sure you’d rather get a job in a shop / admin and do without eating out for 6 months if it means you don’t have to do the job you hate. Assuming he is as much of a prick as you say, of course.

Your GP will almost certainly be able to recommend a private councillor; in fact I’m surprised they haven’t already done so if you are on ADs. Alternatively you could try Relate but I’m not sure what the waiting list would be.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I do sometimes wonder if that’s part of what keeps me so frightened to make any changes sometimes, he can be my only other face to face human contact for days sometimes.

And yes I could get a job with people but a friendly colleague relationship is no substitute for a partner, I’d have almost no one to talk to at all.

I don’t think it’s just the job tho I think it’s the relationship too that’s making her ill.

He’s made it very clear that the two go hand in hand.

Can he not see that you are really really unhappy? It seems weird that he's happy to submerge you in his needs with no concept of you as a separate person with separate needs. Not wants but actual needs for your mental health.

If you had a job in a busy office you'd meet people and be less isolated. You'd also have time for hobbies, clubs etc.

Your situation is tragic. And absurd.

Please tell him how unhappy you are.

Good luck.

@StormTreader

“You seem to be equating control with violence, but why would he need that when you're already doing everything exactly the way he wants at all times?”

This was difficult to read. I think if I’m honest this is something that I have in the back of my mind that I try to ignore.

OP, it's clear that you've tried to depict him as kindly and respectfully as possible here. Despite that, it still sounds like you're basically a slave to the job he wants you to do. That sounds utterly horrific to me and everyone else here, especially in light of the fact that it is not work that you want to do.

Please please please consider leaving him. If the thought of a life without him (or at least the job, but the two are inextricably linked) fills you with relief, then that surely tells you what you need to do.

This is terrible. It's not your dream, it's his dream. You've given fifteen years for something that is not yours! You aren't living your own life--when do you get to have your own?

If he really cared and loves you he'd support you if you wanted to pursue your own goals x

You'd have the chance to speak to a lot more people, plus form new friendships and relationships, if you weren't trapped in this job and marriage.
Why can't he send the bloody email at 6.30 am if it's that urgent?

This is no way to live OP. No job or for that matter relationship should make you ill.
This needs to stop.
I think you've got to have a proper talk with your DH and explain that you can't go on like this, the job is making you ill and unhappy and you need to leave.
If he says that your marriage is over because of this then the decision is made.
He sounds like a workaholic so it's not like you spend much time together anyway and you are generally lonely most of the time.
You are being controlled by him in so many ways. You are a people pleaser but it is now time to please yourself.
You are young, life is for living, think about starting that teaching career and move on.

You and I are in very similar circumstances!!
I left my job when my kids were small to help my husband with his business, worked great for a few years, the business grew and I worked more hours supporting my family and the business, doing everything at home as husband worked long hours, started renting an office to move work away from home as kids went to school but still had to work around school hours etc, our business is very successful now and I too am stuck in an office alone in a job that quite frankly is beyond boring, i have no work colleagues and am totally relied upon for a lot more than i am qualified to do and ofcourse that includes emotional support when husband is stressed, I have been doing this for 20 years and even family still regard me as “working for your husband” even though I am a partner and have 50% responsibility
I have never been invited on the works xmas night out as its all blokes (thx lads)
Get yourself another job, lead your own life and have something for you, I wish I had (I do understand how emotions are involved too tho)
Also potentially I wont retire until my husband decides to, consequently
I have just broken the news that I shall be employing a temp very soon
Good luck

Go be a teacher! Do it. Tell him you are giving him one months notice. You want out of the job. If he kicks off about that then it’s not ok. You have your own human rights and you are currently being taken the piss out of. A relationship should be separate to work!

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. This really resonates with me, I’m in a similar position but a bit older than you. I’ve been working with my husband for 10 years and it’s really broken me. At times I’ve forgotten ‘who’ I am and my self esteem has been at rock bottom. I urge you to find counselling and go back to uni and train to be a teacher.

You’re so young at 30 and have so much life yet to live. To live it how YOU want to. You deserve happiness and fulfilment.

Out of interest, ‘working for’ your husband. Does he own the business outright or are you a Co-owner?

Here’s a good resource to help find counsellors in your local area x

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/

[quote UncertainFuture]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I do sometimes wonder if that’s part of what keeps me so frightened to make any changes sometimes, he can be my only other face to face human contact for days sometimes.

And yes I could get a job with people but a friendly colleague relationship is no substitute for a partner, I’d have almost no one to talk to at all.[/quote]
A friendly colleague relationship is no substitute for a loving, mutually supportive partner, that’s true. But is that really what you have, OP? You’ve described how lonely you feel at the moment, so what is your husband actually offering to you?

I am asking this in a spirit of caring - you seem so sad and ground down, and the fear you have of change and of possibly being on your own for a while is keeping you trapped in a truly terrible situation. You are not in any way to blame for that, but you most definitely do deserve better. If your husband loves and cares for you, there is simply no way he would prioritise his reluctance to hire someone else over your physical and mental health. It is time for you to speak for yourself and tell him what you need. If he doesn’t like it, that’s just too bad (for him). You can’t sacrifice your life just to keep the peace.

This is really sad to read. You're the same age as me - pretty young! - doing a job you don't like which is affecting your mental health to the point you've developed a stammer, and your first thought is that you'll have to split up with your husband to leave it because HIS feelings will be hurt?

If he couldn't see that this isn't right for you, and doesn't want you to be happy and fulfilled doing something you love (or even just like), then that's not a good partner. That's someone who sees you as useful to them, and is willing to exert emotional control to keep you being useful. You deserve far, far better.

Start looking for a new job. Tell him you're looking for a new job because the stress of work, plus the fact that it means you don't get a chance to make new friends and that's getting you down, is making you miserable, and that you hope he'll be happy and supportive. Tell him you'll help hire his replacement and make sure they're up to the role, but that it's time you did something for yourself. His reaction will tell you whether or not he's being short sighted or controlling, and whether your happiness is important to him.

He sounds controlling.
Life is too short to live a life dictated by someone else.
Go and be a teacher! You'll meet people on your course and develop relationships in the workplace. It healthy to have a life outside of the home and away from your partner.

oh Op, I really really wish for you to go off and study to be a teacher. You will meet so many new people, forge friendships and build a new social circle.

Work life can be an amazing source of energy and social connections, in my 30s I was socialising nearly every day after work with people from the industry (its was an extreme lifestyle - but I had SO much fun)

I urge you to give yourself the chance of a happier existence

I take care of the finances.

Ah but do you take care of the finances in that you could do whatever you wanted with them (within reason, like paying for some private counselling sessions?) Or does you taking care of them actually mean that you do all the admin side but he gets the final say as to how finances are spent?

Btw most counsellors are offering sessions over Zoom etc now because of Covid so there's no need to find someone local to you. Presumably you could fit in a session during your lunch break (if you don't even get a lunch break at least once a week with your mental health being the way it is then that's another big problem in itself).

Start here to find one you like the look of www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ and don't be afraid to shop around as you need to find someone you gel and feel comfortable with.

I too had a very hard time getting my head around my ex-H being abusive towards me because he wasn't a shouter and didn't hit me. But everything had to be done his way (e.g. I wasn't allowed to buy foods he didn't like even if they were for myself, or listen to bands he didn't like, even via headphones!) and he hardly had any time for me either. I left him at the age of 35 and am remarried to a truly lovely man, I look back in disbelief at all the shit I put up with just because he wasn't doing the obvious big ticket no-nos.

I don't have a problem with age gap relationships, I think they can work really well. When both are adults. But a 15 year year old and an 18 year old are at massively different place in their lives - it is always going to be an unequal relationship (although I fully acknowledge how exciting it is to be with someone older when you're at that age!). This relationship started with a degree of pressure and control and it has continued from there.

I'm so sorry but this just isn't healthy. I think you need to look at your options and at ways of getting out.

It seems like he sees you as an extension of him instead of a person in your own right, with your own interests and goals. I think to become your own person and follow your own path. you need to leave him.

My DM works for my DF and absolutely hates it. She's in a similar position to you, that if she left the job it would mean leaving him. My brother and I have been trying to encourage her to leave for years - she would be much better off emotionally and financially (she is paid minimum wage for a job that usually commands £26k+) but as she is only a couple years away from retirement, she's decided just to stick it out. DF should have retired 10 years ago, and was genuinely shocked when she mentioned she actually wants to retire - he just can't fathom how anyone wouldn't want to work.

Please don't end up like my DM. She gave up so much of her life and her dreams for DF and never really got any thanks in return. If your DH really demands that you have to work for him to be in the marriage, you know that his needs are always going to come first, and that's not a marriage you want to be in.

I'm 33 and I work from home for one of my husbands company. I love it and live supporting him. He set up amazing businesses to support our 5children. Hes very clever and ambitious and I'm very lucky to be in a situation where I can work from home and balance it around the kids and still have time for myself and for my husband. He works 10 times as hard as me though.
Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. So i I totally sympathise with your unhappiness. Look at the pros and cons of working and your marriage before making any major decisions. Have a job you're happy with but still be supportive of your hubby as he is to you hopefully. Wish you all the best and all my love.