To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

Tell him you are going to study teaching and you'd like him to train to be a TA so that he can work for you. He would think you were crazy - he'd say he has the right to choose his own job. Well, so do you!

If you do want to apply for teaching then you'll have to get an application in quickly as most places will be taken. Maybe think of going to a different city? It sounds as though you could do with getting away from him, your mum and your friend and starting somewhere new.

I agree with PP's, you need to stop working for him and pursue the career that you want!

I think you need to sit down with him one evening and discuss your opportunity to train as a teacher. Explain that you've always wanted to support him, but teaching is really what you want to do - and you need to start on that path.

With so many people in uncertain job situation atm, I'm sure you can find someone to do your job and you can help them get settled in.

If he can't/won't see how unhappy the job makes you, it's his problem. Life's full of changes and you need to make this one. Good luck.

@PicsInRed Yes we have. I have PCOS and extremely long and irregular cycles. We have tried clomid and I didn’t respond. We were going to move onto IVF but I’m not sure about it anymore.

How is he when it comes to your social life? Do you have a social circle outside of the marriage/work?

@AIMD It does feel like a threat to stop me leaving, if we did that then I wouldn’t be able to cover everything, bills probably yes but I wouldn’t be able to afford the extras like meals out, holidays etc and he knows that.

@SusieOwl4 I'm sorry you're feeling the same too, I know most people feel stressed at work sometimes and every job has stressful elements etc but it's awful when it gets on top of you

OP,

He has you on the tightest leash imaginable.
He threatens you will separation if you don't work for him despite your distress.

Have you no idea what love is?.
It's definitely NOT what you have.
You are so young.
You desperately need counselling.
Desperately.
Tell your GP that you are desperate for a recommendation.

They won't be long telling EXACTLY how controlling your husband is.

Do it now so that you can get your plans for teaching rolling for this year.

You only have one life.
He's living his and could care less about yours.

Your life has value too.

It is a threat to stop you leaving.

This is a controlling relationship hence your poor mental health and nightmares.

If you got away from him you may not need the drugs.

@DianaT1969 no it's not and I feel like I've just realised that. When I thought we would have children it was like there was a light on the horizon, that I could keep going to achieve that goal because it would change things and I wouldn't have to work as much. But without it, the future just seems so bleak and depressing and never ending and I can't deal with the thought of having to do it for that much longer.

any relationship where the concept of the fact he doesnt physically hurt you reveals a lot OP. The emotional side to it is extreme

Are you allowed to go out and spend what yuo want

@clairethewitch70 I really feel for you. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it.

There is so much to unpack here. You sound so sweet and I don't like the idea that you are not living the life that you could be!

I would suggest not making any sudden moves as it sounds like you have to tread lightly with DH. But you need to do some soul searching and work out what YOU want. You are only 30!! You are SO YOUNG.

I really recommend you write down your 'Perfect day in 5 years'. Make it a random Tuesday, a regular day, not a holiday or anything like that.
Ideally your husband would do the same. It's amazing how much you can discover about what's really important to you and hopefully your dream days will align, or it will bring up discussion of your next steps to take you in the direction of making your dream days in 5 years a reality.

Please don't settle for a life that someone else controls. xx

No I don’t have any plans for my future, how could I?

Children were in it but I’ve recently given up hope that that will happen.

You are only 30. Have you had medical intervention, or is it simply a case of it hasn't happened? Is the fertility issue you or him?

In any case, abuse is not just someone hitting you. I was never hit, but he was controlling, including financial abuse.

In your situation, though, I'd get counselling and prepare to leave. Your DH doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart. He has basically coerced you into working for the company, eg, with his comments about needing to split if you decide to do other work.

Make sure you have copies of ALL the relevant information. You have an advantage here, you can copy the company financial information.

Are you being paid properly? If so, at the market rate?

If you want to be a teacher, then do it. Your mental health is being damaged continuting as you are, and you deserve better. Stop putting yourself last. I've been there, and it's not sustainable.

I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

he says either you do what is best for him, even though a disaster for your mental health
or you have to split up?

How can you even doubt this is not controlling and abusive?

You know that in healthy relationships partners encourage each other to grow professionally and to find a fulfilling career?

What you describe sounds like a prison to me.

You went straight from your parents house to his control - following his wishes and desires and finding your own life force ebbing away drip by drip.

He’s using you, you must see that? He doesn’t care about your happiness at all.

The only way you can reclaim your life and your happiness is to move forwards on your own terms and I think you know it cannot be done within the relationship.

Sometimes you have to dig deep and be brave. I hope you find a way to connect to the courage you undoubtedly have stored inside. Good luck.

He said if you didnt work for him you two would have to split up. So he's basically held you hostage in the relationship.

How is that NOT controlling?

"I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up."

This sounds like indentured servitude. He's basically saying "either you keep working for me and being my housekeeper and sex partner, or you'll either be out on the street or living in virtual poverty".

You seem to be equating control with violence, but why would he need that when you're already doing everything exactly the way he wants at all times?

Also, if you're "not sure" about IVF then please don't do it. What if you did get pregnant with this man who you are thinking of leaving. You would never be free.

@Zuzu5

1 - I’m not sure. I really don’t know, when we have an afternoon off together I forget about work and feel like I love him so much. When he’s asking me to send an email at 6:30am, then I want to leave him. I don’t know which is the truth?

2 - I just want to work, I’d love to just have six months or so in a job where I could leave it at the end of the day, maybe just in a shop or doing some basic admin or something, something that I could get absorbed in while I was there and then go home and have everything just be calm and quiet and peaceful, and I could figure out a longer term plan. That’s what I daydream about.

He's such an arsehole. He's basically taken over your life and when you voice your concerns he says you won't be able to afford carrying on living with him should you want to actually do what you want. You don't have to settle for this. He is controlling. He's forcing you to work for him, for a salary where you are trapped with him.

I think the truth maybe that your love isnt enough to sacrifice your life and dreams over

The not sleeping and the panic resonates with me . And I have been through family bereavement as well , trust me life is too short . If you have dream job he should support you as you have done for him these last few years .

If not I do think you need to rethink things .

He isn't mean to me

Its mean to force someone to do a job they dont want, threaten to split up with them if they leave, threaten them with financial consequences. That's worse than mean. It's a terrible way to treat your spouse.

Where's the love, cherish etc

What do you get out of this slavery relationship?

OP, you're living your husband's life. What about your hopes and dreams? What do you want to do with your life?

I just want to work, I’d love to just have six months or so in a job where I could leave it at the end of the day, maybe just in a shop or doing some basic admin or something, something that I could get absorbed in while I was there and then go home and have everything just be calm and quiet and peaceful, and I could figure out a longer term plan. That’s what I daydream about.

That's a pretty easy dream to fulfil. Seriously, 'shop work or admin' gives you loads of opportunities. You were happy during lockdown, and there's no good reason why you should have to give that up.

I can think you can love people who are fundamentally bad for you like cigarettes or alcohol.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can love but feel controlled and dominated by him and his work and need to get out nonetheless.

(I love tigers but I couldn’t live with one).