to wish people were more respectful around adoption?

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

DH and I have recently had our son placed with us for adoption.

Ever since we announced that we were matched with our DS it has felt like we have been met with a barrage of insensitive and disrespectful comments and I'm getting to the end of my tether with it.

For example, when we were midway through the assessment to become adopters, I was talking to my hairdresser about it. She said "so when you adopt a kid, they wont see their REAL mum anymore?". This narked me because I'm DS's 'real' mum but I put this down to ignorance and moved the conversation on. That was last year. I went to the hairdresser last week and told her we had been matched and DS was now home and she said "do you know much about his background then?" to which I confirmed we had received all the info. She then said "so why was he taken off his real mum?". I grit my teeth and said it was private but it angered me so much that I'm now looking for a new hairdresser.

When I told my aunty we had been matched she asked why my DS was up for adoption.

My MIL, when we informed her we were adopting, said "so if it doesnt work out can you send the kid back?"

We live in a small village where we are forever bumping into people so decided to make an announcement on Facebook that we were adopting DS as it was likely people would see us out and about with him, I had two people message me (who I am not remotely close with) asking about my DS's background and trying to be nosy.

When I informed my colleagues that we were matched and I'd be going on adoption leave shortly, one of the young lads wanted to know my DS's background and when I said it was private, he said "are his parents druggies?".

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face.

I'm just getting increasingly tired of people being so nosy, asking intrusive questions about my son's background when it is none of their business as if they are entitled to know his private information and it irks me when people say my son is lucky, he's not a charity case and we aren't his saviours.

This is supposed to be a happy time as we start our family life together and I don't understand what goes through people's minds when they ask these questions. My DH says I need to grow a thicker skin but why should people get to be so ignorant and get away with it?

YANBU at all - and it's not unreasonable to be direct with people who are nosy and point out that it's not their place to know about your child's history. It's his, and his alone.

I was adopted when I was 10 and even now (I'm 39) have people ask "have you ever met your real family" when they find out, like 29 years of tolerating me hasn't made my adoptive parents my "real" parents! I am open and direct about being adopted because I don't see it as something taboo, but my history is my own, it's not something to gossip about or something people are entitled to know about.

I hope that the people around you can find their way through their ignorance and come to a point where your son is simply your son, not your adopted son.

You are not being unreasonable but I agree with your husband that you need to develop a thicker skin. For some reason people (particularly older women) seem to feel nothing is off limits when it comes to another woman’s parenting. I was told that it was a shame that I hadn’t given birth ‘properly’ as I had an emergency c section and a friend who is a single mum was asked if she had known her child would be born mixed race. Both comments made by people who were not family or close friends. Some people are just odd.

YANBU at all. People are overly curious about anything with a hint of interesting gossip about it and completely forget that this is someone's actual life, and a small child at that.

Hopefully the initial flurry of nosiness will die down. Don't be pushed into giving out any more information than you want to. You owe the village gossips nothing.

I used to get lots of questions about my son's medical condition. I used to be polite and tie myself in knots thinking how to answer without being rude then I ended up saying "that's personal information, we won't be sharing it with you" or "you know that's a really nosey question, please don't ask me again" when I'm a bit more pissed off.

Enjoy your family, I hope you have a lovely summer getting to know each other

It sounds like you've been unlucky. I'm adopted myself, and have only ever had respectful questions. If the "real" word comes up, I tell them my truth - that my birth family and my adoptive family are my "real" families, as I am a part of both of them.

I wouldn't hesitate to come down quite hard on the sort of questions you've been asked.

Do you think that perhaps people feel able to ask what you consider to be intrusive questions because you are so open about it? We have an adopted child in our family, there was no public announcement or discussion with the hairdresser. People who I have spoken to about it have asked questions, that's natural surely? It's not something that everyone gets to be a part of, so people are curious.

I agree OP. If more people were willing to adopt, fewer children would be in care, with ultimately less of the emotional and social problems which are more likely in someone without a stable home.

People are curious and don't understand the sensitivities around it.

You can't expect other people to know how you feel.

@RyanHowardWunderkindI don’t think there’s anything wrong with some of the questions. For example your hair dresser asking if he could go back to his real mum, at the time he wasn’t in your home yet so I can see why she might have asked that. Sometimes people are stuck what to say. But in your defence I would have treated you like any mum expecting a new baby - with a huge congratulations and asked if you’re excited and what have you got planned etc.

YABU for putting it on Facebook and not expecting people who barely know you to be nosey. If it a private it stays off Facebook.

But Congrats OP - you are his real mum now and that’s all that matters

I think it’s a “clever” societal mechanism to help adopters develop the thicker skin they very much need, sadly.

Congratulations on your new addition.

If people use the term real again could you try responding with His biological family... and stick to referring to his biological family in that way

YANBU, but weren't you warned that this would happen?
I'm adopted, this will happen forever.

All the very best with the adoption by the way and congratulations to you all xx

I don’t think the hairdresser was necessarily being mean. You were talking about it to her so she felt that she could ask you questions. Would it have been so hard to explain that “REAL” actually means biological/birth mum and that legally you have full responsibility for him going forward?

And I’m happy to be corrected but isn’t stranger adoption for a child a last resort? As in it’s preferable for them to be fostered/adopted by a family member? Therefore people believe that the child has had a background of abuse/neglect.

I think the problem is that people are generally nosy and always looking for something to gossip about. As the parent of twins I got a lot of 'do they run on the family' 'were they conceived naturally' type questions. Very nosy and very intrusive and absolutely none of their business.

I am not saying that having twins is the same as adopting. Just that people will ask invasive and nosy questions whatever. It is human nature. I would do your best to ignore.

RyanHowardWunderkind

I don't like the expression 'real' mum/dad/family. My husband was adopted during the war (teenage mother - no choice but to have him adopted then) and we referred to her as his 'birth mother'. He had lovely adoptive parents.

As a PS we traced his birth mother 70 years after he was adopted. She was lovely and we had several years with her till she died. Her two children from her subsequent marriage welcomed us and we're all now one family.

Your son is your son. He will grow up with loving parents and other people can mind their own business.

How about being creative and telling people you found him under a gooseberry bush at a garden centre.
A stork accidentally dropped him in your garden pond.
You'd been for a walk somewhere and when you got back to your car, there he was sitting in the driving seat.
His parents were frogs but he hatched as a human baby.
You cracked open an egg (free range) and he was inside.
He fell down the chimney and landed in the hearth.

Be happy!

Firstly, congratulations on your little boy

I think people are genuinely interested, you may well be the first person they know that has been through adopting a child and as you sound open about it, they feel like they can ask perhaps?

Everybody has different ideas around what language and terms are acceptable, so you may have to correct them and your DH is right about needing to have a thicker skin.

I am adopted and for me, I do consider my Birth Mum and Dad my 'real' parents, however, my perspective is probably skewed because my adoptive parents were abusive.
In your case, I suspect, the fact that DC is 3 will raise more questions as most people know that children being adopted at that age, are usually those removed from neglectful parents, unfortunately.

The novelty will soon wear off and people will forget soon

Loads of people don't know anything about adoption

Most have no idea if they're open or closed or even if that's the terminology- that's what your hairdresser was asking in essence - if your child had continued to see the birth parents then it would be an open adoption, if not closed.

People always ask about the backgrounds of people - what school/uni you went to/where did you grow up? Same as children who are adopted - it's not 'mean', it is private if you want it to be.

I completely agree with you. I am adopted and have had 39 odd years of those same comments and it gets tiring explaining the issue of ‘REAL’ all the time.

Congratulations on becoming a parent, OP!

Congratulations. It sounds like you are very open about it maybe people think they can ask as you are that way. My daughter has a physical disability - missing limb and I wouldn’t mention it to hairdresser, beautician etc. It seemed a big deal at first and we got lots of states and personal questions eg wasn’t it picked up on scans but now nothing or I don’t notice. Hopefully the intrusive questions will wear off.

Congratulations on your new family life with your son. I am an adopter and nothing in your post surprises me. Most people are thoughtless and/or well meaning. People are not used to adoption So they are. Curious. I am a few years in and I have skin like a rhino sometimes I am very firm, sometimes I nod and smile and eye roll. Your little one firmly believes that you are mummy and daddy and his is the opinion that matters.

You don’t have to tell everyone that you are adopting eg your hairdresser. It’s up to you to keep your child’s details confidential.

A lot of people haven’t come across adoption especially in recent years so I think you need to expect some of them to ask thoughtless questions. They won’t know you are not allowed to talk about it. Keep it all vague.

Just say, it’s confidential sorry. They will soon get the message.

When my Dad died, at the funeral, the (female) vicar referred to me "Here we are today with the family and Dishing, his adopted daughter".

YABU to share this on Facebook with those you "barely know".

My dh is adopted ( and my late sil) and my mum was really odd about it all!

People used to ask me questions about his parentage : he has no idea as it was the early sixties and any adopted children were not encouraged to keep in touch with their biological parents and his never bothered to find out , but he did grow up knowing he was adopted from a young age , so it was never a surprise.
People are just strange about anything different. Same as people can be horrible about anyone with red hair ( for example ) I've heard all sorts of weird stuff about that.

Congratulations on your little boy

In any situation you'll get people wanting to know all the details.

I literally had people asking about whether I was breastfeeding, how many stitches I had, do they have the same dad etc after having my kids, although the circumstances around your little boy coming to you are different, the intrusive questions will always remain a fixture.

Having kids always seems to equal inappropriate questions and opinions.

Get yourself a couple of answers prepared and stick to them. Short and sharp and able to shut people down quickly. They will soon become second nature to you when people are being invasive.