to wish people were more respectful around adoption?

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

DH and I have recently had our son placed with us for adoption.

Ever since we announced that we were matched with our DS it has felt like we have been met with a barrage of insensitive and disrespectful comments and I'm getting to the end of my tether with it.

For example, when we were midway through the assessment to become adopters, I was talking to my hairdresser about it. She said "so when you adopt a kid, they wont see their REAL mum anymore?". This narked me because I'm DS's 'real' mum but I put this down to ignorance and moved the conversation on. That was last year. I went to the hairdresser last week and told her we had been matched and DS was now home and she said "do you know much about his background then?" to which I confirmed we had received all the info. She then said "so why was he taken off his real mum?". I grit my teeth and said it was private but it angered me so much that I'm now looking for a new hairdresser.

When I told my aunty we had been matched she asked why my DS was up for adoption.

My MIL, when we informed her we were adopting, said "so if it doesnt work out can you send the kid back?"

We live in a small village where we are forever bumping into people so decided to make an announcement on Facebook that we were adopting DS as it was likely people would see us out and about with him, I had two people message me (who I am not remotely close with) asking about my DS's background and trying to be nosy.

When I informed my colleagues that we were matched and I'd be going on adoption leave shortly, one of the young lads wanted to know my DS's background and when I said it was private, he said "are his parents druggies?".

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face.

I'm just getting increasingly tired of people being so nosy, asking intrusive questions about my son's background when it is none of their business as if they are entitled to know his private information and it irks me when people say my son is lucky, he's not a charity case and we aren't his saviours.

This is supposed to be a happy time as we start our family life together and I don't understand what goes through people's minds when they ask these questions. My DH says I need to grow a thicker skin but why should people get to be so ignorant and get away with it?

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YANBU! My son was adopted at 2 and we got all of the same.

He’s 16 now and it’s completely up to him who he tells about being adopted and what he tells them about it, He still sees siblings, so when he talks about his brother and sister that confuses people as he’s an only child here, so that’s what usually ‘outs’ him. He’s usually very comfortable explaining, but it does annoy him when people feel like it’s okay to keep asking more and more probing questions.

The only one exception we have ever made is his great grandmother. She is very close to 100 now and although she loves him dearly and means nothing by it, she can’t help herself, when she tell him how lucky he is that we chose him! We have had the conversation with her many times, but it just doesn’t sink in. These days we’ve accepted that we are never going to change this and all just roll our eyes when it comes up again. It’s as though in her head we plucked him out of some Victorian orphanage, something akin to Oliver Twist!

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face

A family member fosters, the number of random people who have said the children should be "grateful" to live in our family is a joke.

Unfortunately I feel that this attitude is one you will continue to encounter throughout his life, so if you come up with witty comebacks NOW it should stand you in good stead

Eg Is His REAL MUM a druggie?

Oh Well You Know Me Hairdresser, I can't cope without my coffee

Etc

I am adopted and am a gp carer for two teenage gs's placed with me through Court orders. People sometimes ask why they live with me, but tbh not that many. I just say because of family difficulties.

The best one was being asked if I knew who gs's dad was. I just gave her a withering look, stupid, insensitive woman. I think you can tell the difference between insensitivity and nasty gossips. A mum at our primary school asked me to remind her again who gs's dad was and I just said oh I don't discuss the boys' parentage. To which she responded "Oh yeah, it's ..... He always was an arsehole!".

Honestly op, you don't have to answer any questions about your lovely son. Just say you can't discuss confidential matters about him.

I was adopted out in the sixties and did trace my bio family. My bm did not want to know me and my half sister told me she had not spoken to her mother in 34 years. Out of three children, only one had anything to do with her. I was always so grateful to my real parents, my adopted mum and dad, that I had a happy childhood. Not to mention my loving grandmother and aunties. You are his real parents.

You are certainly not being unreasonable in the slightest!
I'd be really cross at those comments too especially saying that to your DS which is so horrible!
Some people really are idiots. My DP grew up in foster care and has had a few silly people comment on how he "must be happy to finally have a family" now he has me and DD. He just laughs it off but I know it hurts him a bit.
Dont be shy on telling them his background is none of their business and challenge any ignorance. Most of all... Enjoy your wonderful DS!

@SimonJT
Just today I had to tell my GP I'm adopted, he wasn't being rude, it will be in my notes but obvs he hadn't read them right through when asking what age my Mum was at menopause.
I've known him for years, he's a brilliant GP.
I'm not remotely offended, but you do have to develop a thicker skin at some point.

Your DH is right...thicker skin needed.
14 years on I'm still asked 'where is her real mum'.....I always answer oh you mean her birth mother - shes not in the picture.

People are curious....putting it on fb will fuel that for a short while, soon you will be yesterdays news.

Find standard answers that work for you and always use them.
So why is he with you....oh he couldn't stay in his birth family, i'm the luckiest mum arent I.
When asked about real family....oh his birth family...
It's ok to say oh that's DS business we dont talk about it 😊 big smile and carry on chatting.

It gets easier - you'll find in years to come you'll want people to remember he's adopted and it will pass them by 🤷‍♀️

Oh I didn't mean you personally, I meant in general, I just tagged you as you mentioned Drs.

Perhaps you posting what you did encouraged people to talk about it. Would you rather nobody spoke to you at all about him? If you want people to stop asking questions perhaps consider more carefully what you put on Facebook.

On the whole, people aren't disrespectful on purpose, they just don't think things through or don't have enough knowledge to understand.

You have to learn to either smile and nod, or take the opportunity to educate.
e.g. We used to say 'their background is private, but most children end up needing adopting due to parents not being capable for example abuse or drugs or neglect'.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I think that when you opt to make your private family life public property via announcing and social media, then this is the repercussion.

So, when you announce you’re pregnant you give everyone carte Blanche to ask detailed questions about your sex life? When you announce the birth of your child it’s reasonable for people to know all about how you gave birth (and, still the sex life). If you post about having cancer it allows people to ask you about lifestyle choices that might have contributed?

Don’t be so ridiculous - parents who adopt miss so many milestones and celebrations, being able to announce your new arrival is an obvious joy and if, as in my case, my new arrivals were 6 and 4, you need to include adoption because they didn’t come out of the sea.

Plenty of pregnant women are asked personal questions, including was it planned. So I don't see the difference.

Use social media, expect the world to have an opinion and a question!

If you want privacy then you need to remain private.

Congratulations OP.
I think you are wonderful. You have jumped through hoops and passed all sorts of test that most parents would struggle with. Adoptive parents have had to prove they can be parents and that makes you super parents in my eyes.

People are nosy, curious creatures, they don't mean to be insensitive.

I have no idea how you stop those intrusive questions getting to you.

P.s good luck with your toddler! Just remember all toddlers can be little tyrants.

It's because some of us haven't been in your position and are unable to know if different things we say are wrong or OK.

Some people are just bloody rude, other like myself are autistic and if anything, shy away from talking to others because everything coming out of our mouths seems to upset someone.

I've done a lot of research into trauma and attachment and learnt very quickly that using the word real wasn't appropriate. I was leapt on very harshly for it. Which was uncalled for. But someone explained everything to me then and I've since managed not to cock up again.

It's an area people aren't usually very open about. So lots of us really don't know about it, about the process, about the terminology, and we haven't experienced the emotions and stress of it.

It needs to be more widely spoken about. So that less people are likely to make an error which causes upset.

Your son is your son and he's as much your real son as you are his real parents. I appreciate the emotional work is a pain but you're in a position to point people in the direction of places they can read up on their questions, and learn the sort of things not to say or ask.

Wield that weapon for good. And don't be hesitant to tell people a stock response - something like: 'It's important for my child's well-being not to question him about his birth situation and adoption. If you visit here (can hand a leaflet or something) you will find some answers, please do not direct questions to us' (I'm sure someone could phrase that a million times better).

If you're able to be calm and polite about it, then hopefully people will go away and research and share their findings with others who aren't aware, and eventually maybe there's a chance I'll become wide enough known how to interact with adoptive families.

Congratulations on your adoption, it's an amazing feeling to be a parent

Plenty of pregnant women are asked personal questions, including was it planned. So I don't see the difference.
Asking an adoptive parent why the child was taken into care is more akin to being asking the position the baby was conceived in, in terms of intimacy.

The asker doesn’t know the answer - they’re basically asking you to disclose whether your child was raped, beaten, burned, whether they watched their parent being assaulted, or watched their parents get high, were parked in a pushchair for most of their life, were starved, or were used for sex to pay a drugs debt. Not remotely the same ask asking someone if their child was planned.

Children are removed from their birth family because the birth family represents a risk of significant harm to the child. Any reasonably sensitive adult wouldn’t need to know the detail of what happened to know it wasn’t good.

Me posting on social media to my friends and family about my new addition shouldn’t leave me dancing round the question of the neglect and abuse my child experienced any more than my friend posting about her new baby would illicit me asking if she did it doggy style.

Mostly that’s just nosiness, and would annoy me too!
I do think your partner is right about the thick skin though. I don’t think there was anything wrong with your hairdresser asking if he’d no longer see his “real” mum after the adoption though.
You were midway through assessment - you weren’t his mum, real, bio, adopted, whatever...
How was a lay person supposed to know the term bio?
At that point, I think that “real” was the accurate and correct term to use.
It’s not a crazy question to ask either - my friend’s adopted son has annual letter box contact with his birth mother.

Good luck to you and your family - hopefully the novelty and nosy gossip element will settle down quickly!

Congratulations and I wish your family all the luck in the world for your future xx

YANBU. My aunts always fostered but has recently retired and adopted 2 siblings she has had for years. They are my sons age and we say they are all cousins. People always ask if their parents abused them or were addicts etc. Unfortunately this is the background of most the kids she has had though.

I have 2 adopted children and I've had to field comments and questions like this a lot.
It's a good idea to have done responses ready.
Q Do you know about his birth family/ why he was in care
A. No, why do you ask?
Or
Yes but that's his own story so we'd rather not share

Q Where is his real mum?
A. I'm right here.
Or you mean his birth mother. Sadly we don't know

Congratulations on your little boy. I'm happy for you. I love to hear about adoptions.

Congratulations

My two were placed aged 5 and 18 months, DD started school 2 months later. It might be worth talking to your DS (age appropriately of course) about secret versus private - it's not a secret that DC are adopted, but it is private and not for general discussion.

I think if you can model shutting down inappropriate questions, that'll be really valuable to him, because he will get some. DD didn't know how to answer questions at first, til we discussed how she didn't have to give info - her favourite response then and now is 'why do you want to know?'. It's simple, easy to remember when on the spot, not rude but doesn't leave room for nosiness. DS, on the other hand, is a massive show off about how special he is because he's adopted, but that's another story...

Why on earth is the OP in the wrong for telling anyone that they are adopting. You would NEVER tell an expectant or new mum they couldn't shout it from the rooftops! It is wonderful news to be shared and celebrated.

Additionally, if people are told in advance it prevents the awkward questions when their DS is with them.

Some people are dicks about adoption, which is really sad. I'm sorry you've experienced that. Congratulations on your darling son.

I'm absolutely shocked. People are so nosey and disrespectful! There's no way in hell I would ask those questions. Yes, I'd be curious but that's as far as it goes. I would just be happy for you.
Don't pay these people any attention , the questions will soon die down when they realise the topic is not up for discussion. Congrats and enjoy your little boy!

At 42 the questions haven't died down, they never will, people are curious.
I don't tell strangers randomly, but on occasion it may come up, the first question is always about my real family.
The fact that so many people think its a terrible thing to ask, and they'd never do it just makes adoption all the more taboo, and 'weird'.

Someone directly telling your 3-year-old DS that he is ‘lucky’ and his old home probably wasn’t nice is really horrible. I’d have pulled them up on that one (probably after the fact, so DS wasn’t there to see and hear), even if just to say that it was completely unacceptable.
The other comments are insensitive and likely come from a place of ignorance. It’s up to you whether you want to get into the battle of explaining/correcting each time: might be useful to have a few stock phrases/responses to trot out so that there’s minimal emotion involved.
YANBU at all to be upset, though. I’m sorry people are so shitty. I’d make it clear to close family/friends that you won’t tolerate this sort of stuff in front of DS, ignorance or no.
And congratulations on your DS

It gets said to my DD by medics now.
I'm 42, she's 18, yep, still going.

Unfortunately lots of people are ignorant and/or nosy. Curiosity is no excuse of lack of manners.