to wish people were more respectful around adoption?

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

DH and I have recently had our son placed with us for adoption.

Ever since we announced that we were matched with our DS it has felt like we have been met with a barrage of insensitive and disrespectful comments and I'm getting to the end of my tether with it.

For example, when we were midway through the assessment to become adopters, I was talking to my hairdresser about it. She said "so when you adopt a kid, they wont see their REAL mum anymore?". This narked me because I'm DS's 'real' mum but I put this down to ignorance and moved the conversation on. That was last year. I went to the hairdresser last week and told her we had been matched and DS was now home and she said "do you know much about his background then?" to which I confirmed we had received all the info. She then said "so why was he taken off his real mum?". I grit my teeth and said it was private but it angered me so much that I'm now looking for a new hairdresser.

When I told my aunty we had been matched she asked why my DS was up for adoption.

My MIL, when we informed her we were adopting, said "so if it doesnt work out can you send the kid back?"

We live in a small village where we are forever bumping into people so decided to make an announcement on Facebook that we were adopting DS as it was likely people would see us out and about with him, I had two people message me (who I am not remotely close with) asking about my DS's background and trying to be nosy.

When I informed my colleagues that we were matched and I'd be going on adoption leave shortly, one of the young lads wanted to know my DS's background and when I said it was private, he said "are his parents druggies?".

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face.

I'm just getting increasingly tired of people being so nosy, asking intrusive questions about my son's background when it is none of their business as if they are entitled to know his private information and it irks me when people say my son is lucky, he's not a charity case and we aren't his saviours.

This is supposed to be a happy time as we start our family life together and I don't understand what goes through people's minds when they ask these questions. My DH says I need to grow a thicker skin but why should people get to be so ignorant and get away with it?

As a Mummy of 6 months to a 2 (almost 3 y/o) AS I completely share your pain. It is so hard to know how to respond "therapeutically" to such comments.

Feel free to DM me if you want to chat!

I sympathise with you op but I do think there’s probably a feeling that you are happy to answer any and all questions due to the openness of the first post.

Some people are rude, others mean well but misjudge which is why personally I would not have announced it.

As a foster mum I hear you, I am 56 and am fostering two young babies (3 months and 8 months), people ask if they are mine and if they are twins. I do tell people I am a foster mum which often provokes a "Why did their mums give them away???"

You can tell people you are adopting but you do have to be careful about lots of visitors and big celebrations. Everything has to be gentle and low key for the child’s sake (responding to a pp’s comments about shouting from the rooftops.)

It is natural for family and friends to be excited but the settling in process it has to be taken slowly and managed carefully. Social workers give lots of guidance on this during the adoption process.

OP, were you really not prepared for this?
I assume my parents weren't, 40 odd years ago, but I'm surprised you weren't.
That doesnt make it ok as such, but if you're struggling with this, you really are in for a tough time.
I say this kindly, but please get help now.

@IHaveBrilloHair of course I was prepared for this. We were told on training that people often make insensitive comments. But there is a difference between learning something hypothetically on a training course, and experiencing it in person with a newly placed and traumatised three year old who you want to protect with a fierceness inside you that you didn't even know was possible. Thank you for your kind suggestion but I think you are overestimating how much I am "struggling" with this. I am annoyed by the insensitive comments and came here to rant - I don't see how that is a valid reason to 'get help'.

I do appreciate everyone's replies but I have to say that I am shocked that I should 'expect' people to be rude and insensitive in my private messages because I announced our son coming home on Facebook. I don't expect total privacy or people to pretend he doesn't exist but I do expect decency and manners. Just because we announced our happy news on social media does not give people the right to pry into my son's trauma.

I'm an adoptive parent too.
I knew people were going to say daft stuff, but the first time you hear it, it catches you off guard and really knocks your confidance.
I did get a bit tougher. My usual reply was what do I look like a fake parent? I am her real mother. They'd stutter and backtrack and ask it differnetly and I'd tell them that it's all private and it's Dd's story not mine to tell.
I taught her to say they same if any nosey people asked her awkward questions. She shut down a couple of Mums at the school using Thats my private story, and not for evryone to know.
She has told a few her story, but she doesn't really know the half of it as it's not a nice one and she can have it all when she's grown and settled.

You are his parents, what’s wrong with people 😨 giving birth doesn’t necessarily make you a parent.

Tbh I became confused straight away with the the language you used "DH and I recently had our son placed with us for adoption."
Surely, you had a child placed with you for adoption and he becomes your son when the adoption process is complete?

You knew what your hairdresser meant and it sounds, from the way they worded it, as if they really don't know about adoption. I don't think the intention was to offend. I think I would have just been factual and said that, once the adoption process is complete, you are the child's legal parents and he won't see his birth/biological mother again unless/until they decide they want to when they are an adult.

It strikes me that you are a little over-sensitive and that people are naturally interested because they probably don't know any adoptees and adopters. (I have a relative adopted in to my wider family and also 3 adopted out of the wider family). They probably just can't imagine the circumstances that make mothers give up their children for adoption these days.

I think your DH is right, you probably are going to have to grow a thicker skin. There will always be people who will regard you as the adoptive mother and the birth mother as the 'real' mother.

They probably just can't imagine the circumstances that make mothers give up their children for adoption these days.

The reality is very few children are “given up” for adoption in the U.K. these days, the vast majority are removed following a long process of assessment and a complex legal process. The adoption process represents children who have usually experienced significant trauma and everyone involved in the process experiences a significant degree of loss. Regardless of the intention to offend, it’s still pretty offensive to constantly educate and correct people who, with a bit of thought and sensitivity could simply congratulate a new mum on her new arrival.

I have to disagree with you and say that your son is indeed very lucky to have you as his parent. And you are his saviour, like it or not. You say he has been through horrendous trauma. And now he is safe and he is loved and he has the security of a mother who will do anything to protect him. That is priceless beyond measure. But I get that you don't want to be put on a pedestal as the term 'saviour' indicates - I can't put it into words but I get why that would make you feel angry.

I am speaking as a child who grew up in a foster home with foster parents and an adoptive sister, and who never got the chance to be adopted. I went through every trauma imaginable and it is my story and mine alone. I remember a family friend once telling someone my story and this someone mentioned it in conversation with me. I remember feeling angry and violated that the most private and horrendous things that had happened to me were gossiped about in a throw away manner.

I think a lot of comments come from curiosity. I'm not trying to justify them or excuse them. It is so far removed from so many peoples lives that they haven't a clue how to phrase things tactfully and they have no idea of how the system works. The one I hated the most was the one about my 'real mum.' My foster mum was my real mum. She raised me. She sat with me when I was sick. She loved me and nurtured me.

I think the suggestions about what language you use in response are spot on. Definitely make that distinction between 'birth parent' or 'biological parent.' The other thing is that people are so scandalised at the thought of a child being taken away from its mother and what can possibly have been so bad etc etc. And that is something that you can just close down with something like 'that's not my story to tell.' Comments like the one from your colleague are just dickheadish and say more about him!

I'm so sorry, please don't let this steal your joy. This is something that will happen periodically throughout your sons life and learning some key shut downs/responses will help to navigate other people's naivety and unintentional ignorance.

P.s forgot to add YANBU!

I don’t think lucky is a bad thing.

My child is lucky he has me, as I love him and really put his needs first. And I’m so lucky to have him.

Nothing wrong with saying that.

Congratulations on your little boy!

I'm adopted and as other people have said, this is something that will happen forever I'm afraid.

BUT your skin will get thicker and you'll start to develop your own stock responses to things.

For example I was on and off teased for having been an 'unwanted' baby but by the age of about 12 I learned to say "my parents literally chose me..." with an eye roll.

The thing that still upsets me most is the word 'real'. It's so dismissive of the bond between parent and child when the child is adopted.

My mum IS my 'real' mum. She didn't give birth to me but she is my mum. And she's a brilliant mum. I feel so lucky to have been adopted because I'm well aware of how much harder my life would have been if I wasn't.

Something my mum did when I was little that worked really well was to explain to me that I had a "tummy mummy" and a "mummy mummy", so she didn't erase my birth mother from my story she made her part of it and that language made it easy for me to understand as a little one.

You sound lovely and to be honest I think it's brilliant that you have a tiger mum side that is fiercely protective because that will serve you and your son well as you navigate this journey.

Sending you loads of good vibes and congratulations again

Prepare yourself for a lifetime with all these questions on repeat. Trust me.
But you will grow thicker skin and learn to tune some people out. And also learn that some people just mean bio mum but end up saying real mum. And also that plenty of people are just curious and are interested in your story. And every now and then you will meet complete Dickheads who are rude and ignorant.

What your aunt said made sense. What your mil said was mind boggling and insensitive.

i don't understand why you're sharing it, it's not public information, or at least shouldn't be. fine if the situation warrants it (e.g. registering at a dentist, maybe there's family health issues you don't know about, or an inheritance risk factor or something) but if i were you, i'd keep more quiet about it.

it's going to invite questions if you publicly share the info, and it feels like it's too personal to (say) post on social media about it

i don't have any experience of adoption other than knowing a woman (barely) who gets in every conversation that her 12 year old son is adopted, it's wierd, like some sort of bizarre virtue signalling ("look at how wonderful and altruistic we are, adopting a child, he was barely weaned at 3 when we got him")... it's horrible to watch, and i'm not saying you're doing that, but every time this near-stranger mentions the adoption, i feel a pang of annoyance that this 12 year old lad doesn't get to control who knows about it. it feels wrong, like it's HIS info to share.

so i guess what i'm saying is... stop sharing so much.

You really are going to have to calm down a bit or your son will start to pick up on it. Have a few stock phrases ready to pull out of the bag - all followed by 'anyway...tell me what you've been up to'

Q: what happened
A: it's not our story to tell, sorry

Q: real mum
A: do you mean biological mum?

Q:can you send him back
A: no more so than any other parent

Q: isn't he lucky
A: I think we're all lucky that we've found each other. He's the best!

Q: aren't you amazing to do that
A: not at all, it was a completely pragmatic decision

Q: we'd love to adopt
A: go for it, best thing we ever did

Also avoid discussing adoption stuff on Facebook for so many reasons.

Congrats OP! Hopefully these annoying comments are balanced out by far more lovely ones and your family is having a mostly great time. YANBU to be annoyed - especially at the remarks towards your son - and you're right people should be more considerate and you've every right to correct them, but your DH is also right that you'll probably need a thicker skin and as others recommended, working on auto-responses and just who is good to talk to about this and who isn't.

I don’t think lucky is a bad thing.

Telling your own child they're lucky is very different to doing it to someone else's.

Telling a small child one has reason to believe has gone through trauma that they're lucky and discussing your thoughts on their past (which they might not be old enough to process and the commenter knows fuck all about) is no more appropriate than telling an adult with PTSD that they're lucky to be getting treatment/having caring people now and how 'not nice' their trauma was. It was an ill-considered comment, and others have come up with great auto-responses, but I'd have trouble if it was someone I knew not to pull them up on it sharply in private.

There are a million examples of that when it is unwise and it isn’t something I would say personally.

However going through life taking umbrage are kindly meant if unwise comments is the way to difficult and fractured relationships.

We are so lucky too, he’s so lovely is all you need to say to that one.

OP congratulations. I hope things are going well?

Our eldest child is adopted, we have had pretty much all of those comments made. We also live in a small village so most people knew back then that DD was adopted. The worst was one of the school mums asking me in front of the children if she was 'ours'. Completely put on the spot..
To be honest it did / does bother me, but over time I've grown to realise that people simply just don't know how to ask or what to say. I feel it comes more from, in the nicest possible way, ignorance. I find being assertive in my responses help the most, the language I use, or even calling out if the terminology they have used is offensive / upsetting. Everyone is usually quite receptive of that.
It is upsetting, I hope you are ok.

However going through life taking umbrage are kindly meant if unwise comments is the way to difficult and fractured relationships.

I don’t see the OP taking umbrage, I do see frustration that grown adults can’t be more sensitive. She’s a new mum, it’s very easy to get caught off guard by some comments and as a new mum she has a level of vulnerability true of new mums regardless of how you come to motherhood.

I’m usually pretty clear, straightforward and very able to assert myself - I still found myself dumbfounded when a close relative explained that she needed to know my D.C. background - no explanation of why she needed, just that she fully expected me to share that with her. Or when a playground mum that I hardly knew asked me in the playground if my DD knew she’s adopted and could her son use her for his school project on “different families”. Or when people tell me how lucky my children are - some close friends will say that from a place of knowing the ways in which my DH and I are suited to their needs, others who hardly know us but have bought into the narrative of adoption being this saintly, altruistic thing instead of being the way we chose to have our family.

My children were older when they cane to me, adoption is a fact of our lives and while I don’t lead each conversation with that, it does come up from time to time. As grown adults we understand the difference between public and private - being pregnant becomes public information, the means of conception is private; the fact that a child is in care may become public knowledge, the reasons for removal are private, the fact that my children are adopted may be known by friends and acquaintances, the circumstances are private. It’s not that difficult.

I don't understand previous comments about OP being more private about adopting her lad, he's 3, how else would you go from not talking about or being seen with any child at all to having an older toddler?

I do think people have been unintentionally tactless, but maybe just answer any questions with preferred terms "he won't see his real mum anymore then?" "he won't have anymore contact with his BIRTH mum, as her parental responsibility has been terminated".

I honestly respect that jelly, and some comments are clearly out of order. I guess I’m just thinking I might have said how lucky a child was with a huge smile and I honestly wouldn’t have meant anything other than to have had such a lovely woman for his new mum and I would be upset to have caused offence. I wouldn’t say that now as I’ve read the adoption board here. But in the past I would and I honestly would only have had kind intent.

You're not being unreasonable.

My friend and his husband have an adopted girl. I've never asked about her background, it's non of my business. She is their daughter and as long as they know her past that's all that matters.

I have said that she is lucky to have such great fathers because she is. I'd say the same to any of my friends' birth children too.

I understand why you would be upset, but honestly think that some people are a bit thick and don't engage their brain before speaking. You know you are your DS's "real" mum, your there for him and biology isn't everything.

A friend of a friend adopted leftover embryos and still gets the "real parents" question from time to time