to wish people were more respectful around adoption?

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

DH and I have recently had our son placed with us for adoption.

Ever since we announced that we were matched with our DS it has felt like we have been met with a barrage of insensitive and disrespectful comments and I'm getting to the end of my tether with it.

For example, when we were midway through the assessment to become adopters, I was talking to my hairdresser about it. She said "so when you adopt a kid, they wont see their REAL mum anymore?". This narked me because I'm DS's 'real' mum but I put this down to ignorance and moved the conversation on. That was last year. I went to the hairdresser last week and told her we had been matched and DS was now home and she said "do you know much about his background then?" to which I confirmed we had received all the info. She then said "so why was he taken off his real mum?". I grit my teeth and said it was private but it angered me so much that I'm now looking for a new hairdresser.

When I told my aunty we had been matched she asked why my DS was up for adoption.

My MIL, when we informed her we were adopting, said "so if it doesnt work out can you send the kid back?"

We live in a small village where we are forever bumping into people so decided to make an announcement on Facebook that we were adopting DS as it was likely people would see us out and about with him, I had two people message me (who I am not remotely close with) asking about my DS's background and trying to be nosy.

When I informed my colleagues that we were matched and I'd be going on adoption leave shortly, one of the young lads wanted to know my DS's background and when I said it was private, he said "are his parents druggies?".

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face.

I'm just getting increasingly tired of people being so nosy, asking intrusive questions about my son's background when it is none of their business as if they are entitled to know his private information and it irks me when people say my son is lucky, he's not a charity case and we aren't his saviours.

This is supposed to be a happy time as we start our family life together and I don't understand what goes through people's minds when they ask these questions. My DH says I need to grow a thicker skin but why should people get to be so ignorant and get away with it?

I do think based on your op you should be more private about your son’s adoption.

Sometimes people ask questions to show interest rather than simply to gossip or be nosey.

Having children appears to mean that no question is off limits. Was the baby planned, are you breastfeeding, will you have another, when will you have another etc etc.

Try not to think the worst of people, sometimes language is clumsy but it doesn’t mean their intentions are bad.

I’m in two minds. I can understand your auntie’s comment - she is a relative and i would interpret it as a clumsy way of asking “is there something we have to be very careful about” - a child from a domestic violence situation is different from one with special needs or one from a substance abuse situation for example
The ones from non-family, and the ones around ”real” family are out of line.

I don't blame your being annoyed especially as your son is three and will understand some of what is being said.
If not a thicker skin you do need to develop a stronger shut down approach to reduce what you have to listen to and he might hear.
If it's a small place where everyone knows everyone's business perhaps reference their "private" life first, might call a halt to their gallop.
"How's Joan?" to the sister of a woman convicted of embezzling church funds will probably stop any desire to pump you for information on your family ☺️

Firstly congratulations!

Secondly, you are not being unreasonable at all. Those closest to you will know the circumstances and it isn’t anything to do with anyone else! Unfortunately as your DS is a little bit older people are going to be a bit more curious, but they’re private family matters. Your little one doesn’t need everyone knowing about his previous home(s), as and when the time comes you can explain anything he may need to know to YOUR child.

My DN is adopted and my sister legitimately lost her rag with the school when they mentioned something about it in front of said child!

Some people really are just nosey And probably don’t mean anything by it, but I definitely see why you are annoyed! PS. I recently announced I was pregnant and one of the girls at work (who I wouldn’t class as a bestie by any means) asked me if we had been trying. Honestly, why does it matter to them?!

Just breathe through it, they’ll all lose interest soon!

Congratulations!

I think that people perhaps take your openness as carte blanche to ask questions. You may give off the vibe that you want to talk about it and kind people may be overkeen to let you know that they don’t think it’s taboo, so they go completely the other way and ask all sorts of things.

This is tricky. I'd imagine most people are genuinely curious and honestly mean no harm, and obviously haven't had any or enough direct exposure to adoption to understand where the line is, and how inappropriate some phrases and questions are. Your DH is right, you do need to develop thicker skin about it over time, but YANBU to be totally fed up with it at the same time. Can you figure out a way of responding that is comfortable to you, and could use these instances as an opportunity to make people more informed; turn it into a positive?

Two of my best friends adopted a few years ago. We were very close to the entire process, and they shared a lot of the information they learnt during the process with us, but even so it took some gentle adjustment to get used to using certain terminology that wasn't the 'norm' for us - 'birth mum' etc etc. The 'lucky' thing is something that really stood out to me while my friends were in the process - it's viewed as an empathetic and kind thing to say (that either the child, the adoptive parents, or both are 'lucky'), but it really isn't appropriate. Is there a way that you can share some of this information so those around you understand a bit more about the impact of their nosiness curiosity.

Oh - and huge congratulations! I hope your DS is settling in well.

Congratulations on your adoption news. People are so odd aren't they. They lack tact and communication skills on so many topics and this is no different. Was this discussed at your classes or by your agency/social worker? I remember some curious and frankly hilarious comments when I told people at work I'd had IVF. Mostly super supportive but some were just bizarre

The questions do seem rather rude and intrusive. I understand that people are curious, but the examples you've used show no emotional intelligence or even manners.

I do think it's something you're going to have to get used to though. You've done the right thing in setting boundaries and telling them some information is, private and off limits. Hopefully soon, it won't be such a novelty and they'll have forgotten about it. I'm sure it won't be long before there's something else for them to talk about.

Congratulations and enjoy this special time bonding with your son.

Jesus those comments are just appalling. So ignorant and intrusive.

Yes, I had my children through ivf. People can ask weird and frankly things about it BUT I’d just answer or not depending on how I feel. I too would be fascinated about the ins and outs of adoption. I hope I wouldn’t be awful.

How bloody rude. I'd ask them do they mean to be so rude.
You're his DM now Congratulations on your beautiful DS.

I understand that of those most questions are rude.

being curious about his past is understandable from family as she/he hopefully just cares and wants to know the little boy that's now a part of their family.

Hair dressers question is dumb.

Shop person is rude and uneducated to say it to the child.

Sometimes people are just taking an interest. They want to know how things work. Fostering and adopting probably get mixed up.

I suppose some might wander if you can't click would you be able to have the child sent to another family. But they are not toys and you are clearly a wonderful women who wants to raise this little boy.

People always instantly want to be nosey. It's distasteful.

Hope your little boy is settling in well and I'm sure he has a bright future ahead with you x

Congratulations. You sound like a great mum.

As for the issues you brought up I think it's a combination of a few things. It might be a small town small mind kind of thing where everyone wants to know other's business. It might be them trying to be supportive but it coming out as ignorant. Or it might be that after months of lock down this is the only interesting thing that has happened so they are sticking their nose in.

Either way you will be an amazing parent and your son is going to have a great childhood.

Congratulations. You sound like a great mum.

As for the issues you brought up I think it's a combination of a few things. It might be a small town small mind kind of thing where everyone wants to know other's business. It might be them trying to be supportive but it coming out as ignorant. Or it might be that after months of lock down this is the only interesting thing that has happened so they are sticking their nose in.

Either way you will be an amazing parent and your son is going to have a great childhood.

Congratulations. You sound like a great mum.

As for the issues you brought up I think it's a combination of a few things. It might be a small town small mind kind of thing where everyone wants to know other's business. It might be them trying to be supportive but it coming out as ignorant. Or it might be that after months of lock down this is the only interesting thing that has happened so they are sticking their nose in.

Either way you will be an amazing parent and your son is going to have a great childhood.

How awful. Just ignore these ignorant people and enjoy your little one. I grew up very close to my nan and grandad on dad's side and found out when I was 14 that my dad was adopted, this didn't make a blind bit of difference to how close we are. They are 2 of the most genuine people you could ever meet so I count myself lucky that my dad was matched with them and I have the privilege of knowing them. So yes your son is lucky. Because you sound like a loving mother who is standing up for her child. Some children are born into families where they are unwanted with parents that don't deserve them. Your son will always feel loved and wanted. And you are lucky to have him as well. That doesn't mean he was a charity case. It was just fate that you were matched

Congratulations.

The woman in the super market was very rude.

However your hairdresser probably just used clumsy wording. She was interested in the process and I'm sure meant no offence. I also think if you've put a message on a local fb page it's not surprising for people to make contact and ask questions.

Tbh while some comments are insensitive, by making such a public announcement of adopting a three year old you were opening yourself up to questions.

Reality is children are no longer given up for adoption any more, they are pretty much all removed from neglect/abuse, and a lot of people will feel sympathy for a child who has almost certainly been either neglected or abused or born to parents with serious issues meaning he will have been removed from their care.

Also, the fact that birth family now have letterbox contact with their child even if they have been placed for adoption means that it stands to reason that contact with birth family is assumed and that could lead to questions around whether they would ever go back.

And I know someone who adopted and then returned the child to the care system after she had a biological child of her own. and adoptions do break down, frequently unfortunately, so again, if people have heard of this happening they may wonder.

Also, children are much more open than adults. Assuming you are going to tell your DS the circumstances of his removal/adoption, he may well tell all his friends about it in an innocent way. I had friends at school who were adopted, the one told everyone that his parents were drunk, violent, and that they abused him. My own DP was seriously abused as a child and removed from his parents care into long term foster care. He said he told everyone when he was little, it’s not something children necessarily feel they need to keep secret iyswim until they’re older.

Way back children did used to track down their biological parents, but those were more likely in the days when children were given up for adoption by e.g. unwed mothers, and those adoptions were in the majority. But programmes like long lost family do reinforce that belief that children who are adopted can simply track down their biological families and they will all have a happy relationship. I imagine that in 30 years time that kind of reunion will be unheard of, but now it still exists from children who were given up in the sixties etc.

@RyanHowardWunderkind congratulations on your little one - head over to the Adoption boards, there are loads of very experienced adopters there always happy to support.

It’s difficult I think because people don’t understand adoption, don’t understand the challenges for adoptive parents and their children. They also often think everything is open for discussion - I had someone I consider a close relative demand to know my DCs background when they were first placed and was most put out when I told her it was private.

I adopted older kids too so couldn’t get away with not telling folk (when you start suddenly turning up places with a toddler you need an explanation of some sort and it’s better to get ahead of the inevitable questions). I don’t tolerate questions or comments both of the “so was mum a druggie” or “you’re such wonderful people, such a lucky child” - it’s literally no ones business.

I also don’t hide the fact that they are adopted - there’s nothing shameful or taboo about it and I expect grown ups to use a measure of tact and common sense. If someone does ask how they came to be removed from their family, I’ll explain it’s private and if they continue I’ll find something equally personal to ask them about.

It’s hard, you do need a thick skin - and no, it’s not your job to educate people about the wonders of modern adoption - people do need to be both more thoughtful and more respectful, and you need to have some handy one liners for folk who keep pressing.

my nan and grandad also got remarks like you are getting. My dad was 9 months old when they adopted him. But this didn't stop them adopting a second child a couple of years later

@RyanHowardWunderkind
I think that when you opt to make your private family life public property via announcing and social media, then this is the repercussion.
A friend did similarly when she used donor eggs and was pregnant.
You can't undo what you've done. But I'd try not announcing anymore and just trying to become a family.
Fwiw, I don't think the questions are unreasonable per se, insensitive maybe, but you have opened the channels for these questions and now you just need to find a succinct phrase to shut down these conversations.

Ah, soon you’ll be able to play adoption bingo!

Sadly you even sometimes get very ignorant comments from professionals who should know better.

The TA who was in my sons class at the start of reception decided to announce to the whole class that hes adopted and then explained what that meant. Despite three meetings she couldn’t grasp that a child had a right to privacy, goodness knows what she would do with medical information. She had also previously told him off for not putting mummy in a card he had made at school, she knows he doesn’t have one.

I get the “who is his real dad?” I tend to just say “I am” in a fairly matter of fact way.

A selection of some of my ‘classics’
“Can you give him back?”
“Where did you get him from?” (i have answered this with “dogs trust” before)
“At least you get paid to look after him”
“You’d never know, he looks normal”
“Is he addicted to drugs?”
My all time favourite when a mum at nursery found out he was adopted “oh, I adopted as well” upon discussing this it became apparent that no she hadn’t, she had bought a dog from a rescue centre.

Doctors can be tricky, he has had the same audiologist since I have had him, yet they still ask the same questions they know I can’t answer including “did he have a normal birth?” I do make a point of reminding medical staff he is adopted so I can only answe questions after he came to me at 18 months old.

It sounds like your friends and family, while very clumsy, are trying to understand what you have committed to and what safeguards there are for you.

Try to see their questions as uneducated rather than rude.

Congratulations on your son.

I think that when you opt to make your private family life public property via announcing and social media, then this is the repercussion.

So, when you announce you’re pregnant you give everyone carte Blanche to ask detailed questions about your sex life? When you announce the birth of your child it’s reasonable for people to know all about how you gave birth (and, still the sex life). If you post about having cancer it allows people to ask you about lifestyle choices that might have contributed?

Don’t be so ridiculous - parents who adopt miss so many milestones and celebrations, being able to announce your new arrival is an obvious joy and if, as in my case, my new arrivals were 6 and 4, you need to include adoption because they didn’t come out of the sea.