to wish people were more respectful around adoption?

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

DH and I have recently had our son placed with us for adoption.

Ever since we announced that we were matched with our DS it has felt like we have been met with a barrage of insensitive and disrespectful comments and I'm getting to the end of my tether with it.

For example, when we were midway through the assessment to become adopters, I was talking to my hairdresser about it. She said "so when you adopt a kid, they wont see their REAL mum anymore?". This narked me because I'm DS's 'real' mum but I put this down to ignorance and moved the conversation on. That was last year. I went to the hairdresser last week and told her we had been matched and DS was now home and she said "do you know much about his background then?" to which I confirmed we had received all the info. She then said "so why was he taken off his real mum?". I grit my teeth and said it was private but it angered me so much that I'm now looking for a new hairdresser.

When I told my aunty we had been matched she asked why my DS was up for adoption.

My MIL, when we informed her we were adopting, said "so if it doesnt work out can you send the kid back?"

We live in a small village where we are forever bumping into people so decided to make an announcement on Facebook that we were adopting DS as it was likely people would see us out and about with him, I had two people message me (who I am not remotely close with) asking about my DS's background and trying to be nosy.

When I informed my colleagues that we were matched and I'd be going on adoption leave shortly, one of the young lads wanted to know my DS's background and when I said it was private, he said "are his parents druggies?".

I saw an acquaintance when I was at the supermarket with my son, we were chatting and she lent down and said to DS "arent you lucky to have such a lovely home now, I bet your last home wasn't nice at all", my son is 3!!! And no I don't think he's "lucky" when he's been through so much crap that no child should have to face.

I'm just getting increasingly tired of people being so nosy, asking intrusive questions about my son's background when it is none of their business as if they are entitled to know his private information and it irks me when people say my son is lucky, he's not a charity case and we aren't his saviours.

This is supposed to be a happy time as we start our family life together and I don't understand what goes through people's minds when they ask these questions. My DH says I need to grow a thicker skin but why should people get to be so ignorant and get away with it?

You're**

Sorry to be thick but what is adopting leftover embryos? I've tried to google and I can't work out why it's called adopting.

My paternal grandmother told my mum (adopted) to "look up" her birth parents after my sister was left severely disabled by a virus in infancy. This was to "prove" that my sister's disabilities were not "caused" by her side of the family.

Apparently, no one in "her" (paternal grandmother) family had any disability, so it must have been caused by mum's genes.

The stupid woman (who boasted about being a graduate of Oxford) could not understand that not all disabilities are the result of DNA.

I never liked my grandmother - she was a really mean woman.

Another time, my mum was told (by a woman who was a "pillar of the community) that my sister's disabilities were "God's punishment) for my mum being born to unmarried ("illegitimate") parents.

I really do understand how rude people can be.

Eek - didn't mean to post that biscuit emoji

But in the past I would and I honestly would only have had kind intent

I understand that and know without doubt that some of my close friends and family would be the same - and from them, I take it in the spirit that it’s meant. It’s a lovely thing to know that the folk who are closest to me think my kids are well placed with me. It depends on relationship and context, in some places it’s totally fine.

You sound like a lovely mum to your children jelly, thinking about it that’s probably better than saying the children are ‘lucky.’ But I do understand why people say that.

Thank you, what a lovely compliment

The first few months for adopters is full of first time moments that you can be really unprepared for. People you might see on a reasonably regular basis suddenly see you with a child or children that you can't possibly have given birth to. In my case, my 3 boys were 5, 6 & 7 when they suddenly descended on us! We live in a tiny village and we just had to mention what was about to happen to the people in our village.

You will gain a thick skin and a coping mechanism. Don't get yourself riled up. Enjoy your family. Eventually you will notice that the questions have stopped and you and everyone else will 'forget'.

Mine are all adults now, 19, 20 & (just) 22 and we've all loved every single moment, well, almost. You'll still have the teenage strops! 😁

Congratulations on becoming parents!

Some of the comments and reactions are ignorant, tactless and nosey.

I don't think I'd judge relations too badly for asking about your son's past. I realise it may not be appropriate to tell them, and if you choose not to it wouldn't be appropriate for them to ask again. But to be perfectly honest, if I had a new grandchild or niece or nephew I'd be wondering.

I hope the coming months go well, and wish you much joy as parents.

We have just been approved as long term foster carers. During our training we were warned about confidentiality and people asking awkward questions. We were told to expect them and practice our answers so we aren't caught off guard.

If I'm totally honest, prior to my training I wouldn't have thought twice before asking adoptive or foster parent about their child's history. Now I realise how inappropriate that is.

The vast majority of people don't mean to offend, they're just naturally curious and don't realise what they've said.

Saying "real family" could potentially be quite hurtful to not only you but your child who will likely view you as such.

I would make a point of correcting people every time. The first time politely and the second time more forcefully.

I was once told that my eldest birth child was not my "real child" because he was from a previous relationship and not my husband. Some people are just a bit mad!

Oh and a huge congratulations!

I am adopted and get loads of potentially upsetting questions. I just smile or scrunch my face up and say ooooooh I don't like the phrase real parents.

Congratulations by the way! Wishing you lots of happiness

Some adoptees refer to their birth families as their "real" families. This is one of the problems with adoption, that what offends some will not offend others and vice versa.

OP I think it would have been better for you not to discuss or announce adoption outside your inner circle but to instead explain when it came up

"He is adopted, we are very lucky, please don't ask questions or discuss in front of him."

In relation to "real" comments you could say

"We say [whatever term you choose] please can you stick to that so that you don't confuse our son. I can't discuss his [your term] family with you, I am sorry."

Regardless of the intention to offend, it’s still pretty offensive to constantly educate and correct people who, with a bit of thought and sensitivity could simply congratulate a new mum on her new arrival That is the way you see it, it isn't the way people new to adoption would see it, and that would be most people, though. I wouldn't find it offensive at all.

We are adopters. People just don't know the right terms to use - we just correct them. I found it hard at first dealing with people's comments as I didn't feel that secure as a parent - fake it til you make it.

A decade in, I know I'm my kids' mum and no idiotic comment from a stranger can shake that.

I'm lucky to have my kids, not the other way round. But for about the first year after each adoption my head felt wrecked as we navigated our new family. Be gentle with yourself xx

@feelingfragile

Sorry to be thick but what is adopting leftover embryos? I've tried to google and I can't work out why it's called adopting.

They're leftover from IVF cycles, often there are some frozen embryos left after the original family have decided they don't want any more children.

Storage is expensive and in some cases the family would rather not destroy them. In these cases they can offer them for adoption in order to give the embryos a chance at life, once a suitable mother has been found they are implanted.

Welcome to parenthood. The judging and questions might vary in content but it’s a universal experience of being a parent. It’s no different to the person saying it from was it planned, oh too posh to push, oh will you try again if you get two the same sex, breastfeeding for your own benefit, bottle feeding because lazy, jars-lazy, home made baby food-try hard, working bad, not working bad, easy baby-success, non-sleeping baby endless advice and being found lacking. The rude will be rude for any reason, thoughtless, lack of knowledge, nosiness, enjoying being rude. It’s raw and personal for you, it’s mere chit chat for them. Get your stock answers ready and your protective Mum mode switched on. You’ll be fine.

I can totally understand why you are hurt by these comments, they are ridiculously insensitive.

Congratulations OP.
We had many questions about DD when she was placed with us but mostly from people who we weren't close to; mums at playgroup, acquaintances, work colleagues. Generally along the lines of
"So how much do you know about her background then?"
"Awwww she's lovely, who could give her up??"
"Does she still see her real mum?"

Family weren't half as nosey!!!

Gosh. I would even think to ask you things like that. My parents adopted and my sister is my sister not my "adopted sister". I don't ever feel the need or think to say "She's not my real sister" What does "real" even mean when used in this context? 🤔