To ask about your relationship with your mum

[bettydaviseyes1]

I might be being unreasonable to ask such a personal question and I'm sorry if it offends but I'm going through a bit of a tough time with my mum, feel like I'm the worst daughter in the world and nothing I ever do is good enough. I dont feel myself when I'm with her and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I love her to bits but it's such a complicated relationship.

So I'm wondering, how often do you call or see your mum? Do you live close? Go on holiday together?

I wonder if I am an awful daughter because we dont have that close relationship or whether i have unrealistic expectations of what a mother/daughter relationship should be. I'm 28 years old and she still puts the absolute fear in me!

I have a nice but not close relationship with my Mum. We chat often, we visit each others houses but I haven’t ever gone on a day trip or somewhere just the two of us. No girly or Mother/Daughter days. I’ve suggested it many times and the response is always “if you want/sounds good ” and then no follow up, so I’ve just accepted we will never have that relationship.

To properly answer your wuestion ☺️ we chat once a week as she likes structured calls not spontaneous. I live 3 hours away and we see each other every few months but always my DP, me, her and DF.

If you are walking on egg shells is it possible your mum is narcissistic ?

I don't have a good relationship with my (adoptive) mum, and it has affected me throughout my life. I have always had to tiptoe around, worried about upsetting or offending her. Since I've been pregnant with DD, due next month, I've had a lot less energy for my mum's bullshit, so and have set some strict boundaries, which she is reluctantly agreeing to.

I wish I had a close, positive relationship with her, I really do. But she is the polar opposite to me in every way, and the emotional abuse she put me through has made me quite hard towards her. Luckily I have a very good relationship with my MIL and my birth mother.

Sorry to hear you're struggling.. if it helps, I also had a different relationship with my own mum from those I saw with close friends. They all seemed close and more like good friends, than mothers and daughters.

My 'issues', I think, stemmed from her blatant favouritism of my brother. It wasn't shoved down my throat in the ways I've read about on here but I could never live up to him despite him never really living up to her praise - hes not a failure but I'm not sure why she had him on such a high pedestal his entire life.

So me and my mum were quite distant, I loved her very much (she died just over three years ago now), but after having DC of my own, I realised we would never have what I saw my friends have. My own DC really brought into sharp focus how strange and removed she was from me. I sort of accepted it after a bit of time and, as my DP lived abroad, I limited the time I spent with her as I always came away feeling a bit shit and not good enough. Funnily enough, when she got ill, I was able to really make peace with it. But it does still hurt - my memories of my childhood and treatment are happy but slightly tainted... and I'm 44 next week.

Nor everyone has that close relationship and you have every right to feel how you feel. Its not you - I can promise you, it is not you..

I had an amazing relationship with my DM, she was my best friend. We never, ever had a cross word, even when I was a teenager.

She was so supportive, understanding and totally none-judgemental. When I became disabled after I had DS she was just amazing.

She died six years ago, she was diagnosed with Grade 4 stomach cancer and died four weeks later, and it broke me.

I’m still broken now.

I live 30 min from my mum but she doesn't drive and I do. She normally expects me to do all the visiting and phoning. She never phones me or comes to my house.
I have 2 DD that are 14 and 5 and she doesn't show an ounce of interest in them. When we go there she will only talk about what I've been doing and who I've seen.
Because she shows zero interest in my children it's made me be somewhat cold towards and her and I can't really be bothered with her. If I didn't phone or go there we'd never see her anyway. We are low contact and normally see her 4 times a year that's all. When she dies I will mourn the relationship we never had rather than mourn her as a person.
I feel awful saying it but it taken me about 20 years to come to terms with how she is.

@verybritishproblems

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like a very amicable relationship you have but not super close? My problem is we have the appearance of being close, a few foreign holidays and trips out but only if I bend to her ways of being. It's like I've just realised that we arent close at all because, although we go through the motions, she doesnt know me. I'm actually not even sure she likes me. Very snipey and critical in a passive aggressive way. I cant so much as tell her I dont like an item of clothing she points to in a shop or she'll huff. I cant assert an opinion she doesnt like and, I'm embarrassed to admit but, if she raises her voice/closes a door too loudly/I detect a slight change in tone of her voice I become jumpy and on edge! What is wrong with me I'm a fully grown woman?! I need to woman up :(

@Spinakker what would that look like? Do you know any good reading resources?

I had a poor relationship with my mother growing up. She was controlling and didn’t show any love or support whatsoever. As an adult our relationship has improved. We text once or twice a week (updates on DC she hardly ever asks how I am etc) and we see each other maybe once every 3/4 weeks. That’s enough for me in all honesty, we are very different people and as an adult I’m not afraid to say when I don’t agree with her which she doesn’t like at all!

Start with this OP:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1439129436/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_IJedFbBSM8QEZ

I've had EMDR (therapy) and am now the happiest and healthiest I've ever been, having come to terms with my awful mother. We are low contact now. Four years ago I'd have sworn she was the best person ever, as my own self esteem remained in the gutter.

@bettydaviseyes1 That sounds tiring I get that feeling if not being good enough too, my sister has been a pain in the butt growing up and I was the ‘good child’ but she is definitely the fave. I’ve got a good job, partner and a house. I’m happy but because I don’t have children yet I’m not as important it seems and I get lots of comments and badly disguised digs about it.

My Mum died years ago, but we got on fine. I'd not go on holiday with her though (obviously, since I was a child, then we would ).
I don't recognise this "she's my best friend" relationship you see a lot. My Mum had lots of friends. I have lots of friends. I would have found it weird as a young woman in my 20s to have my Mum going out with me. Same as I wouldn't expect to be going out with / hanging around when my adult dc go out with their friends.
I used to go to the theatre occasionally with my Mum - because we both liked going to the theatre, and neither of our husbands particularly did, but we weren't in and out of each others pockets.
With my dc, they are usually up for me taking one of them out for lunch now and then and having time together, but I wouldn't expect to be included in their Saturday night plans nor their holiday plans. When you are young, you do that with your mates, surely ?

In one word, complicated.

I know now that my mum has undiagnosed mental health problems. Probably some form of Autism and definite OCD. That has impacted our entire relationship and our upbringing as kids. She was prone to mood swings if she didn't get her own way with my dad. We had to do what she wanted otherwise she just lay into us constantly. I always felt like she didn't think I was as good as my brother when I was younger, but now I just think she had an idea of what a child should be, my brother fell into that mould and I didn't. She is absolutely no good at emotional things and is absolutely no comfort or support. She does try though, but by her own admission she never knows what to say. She is a practical support though and her method is to throw money at problems.

We don't really go out and do things together but that is my choice really because it's just too much hassle. It's like having another child. I do like to spend time with her though and will happily go round on weekends with the kids for the day etc.

I used to be really angry with her in my teens and early 20s. Then her own mum died and I saw how hard it hit her. She probably had a bit of a breakdown around that time. Since having my own kids, it has changed how I view my own childhood. I know she had it hard. I know she had her problems. But I'm still not comfortable with some of her behaviour towards us kids.

I know she loves me and she shows me in the ways she knows how. She is not the mum I would choose and I don't have the relationship with her I would like. But we do still have one.

I'm close to my mum. Shes awesome. We weren't overly close while i was growing up, then when my nan died 8 years ago we got alot closer.
We go on girly holidays together (we take my dd)
We go shopping together (mainly food, but occasionally clothes)
I speak to her probably 6 days out of 7. Sometimes multiple times a day but maybe only for 2 mins.
I see her atleast twice a week.

I have a very dysfunctional family both my parents are emotionally toxic and my is a narcissistic golden child. I tried to gray rock them so my dc could have a relationship with them but they just started to do the same thing to them, so i ended up going NC with them all and it was the best thing I ever did

Complicated for me as well.

I don’t really feel I can be my true self with my DM because she’s so very easily offended, controlling and difficult. I think she wanted me to be her ‘mini me’ or mirror image and I’m nothing at all like her. I look like her, but that’s it, my personality is totally different. She’s very emotionally immature and though I was always clean, fed and clothed she didn’t provide me with any emotional support growing up, she hated me voicing my opinion if it was different to hers and I don’t think has ever asked how I am or how my day was. She was also moody and unpredictable and being around her was like walking on egg shells.

If you were to ask her though she’d say we are really close. She’s not for a clue!

You sound like you are dealing with a similar situation to me with my mother. YANBU. It sounds like your mum is controlling and lacks empathy for you. My relationship with my mother is similar, on the surface to others it looks okay, but she does not listen, her thoughts or opinions on things overrule mine, she never asks me how I am ever and talks alot about herself a lot. We never really have any in depth conversation because she is incapable of this.

There is no easy solution to your issue. I would perhaps learn to accept things as they are and understand that you not at fault here. You are not a bad daughter, it is more likely that she is an incapable parent. The jumpiness you describe is probably some kind of mild ptsd from having to tread on eggshells around a volatile parent. Your body has learned through past experience to give you a fight/flight reaction to keep you safe when she raises her voice. Probably this reaction is based on implicit memories from childhood.

@bettydaviseyes1

Hey, i'm also 28! I am now shielding/on maternity from work so at the moment i speak to my mum quite a few times a day but before i'd message her at least once throughout the day. We are close, best friends i would say but my mum does have a wicked defensive side to her which i don't like, she's very stubborn and is one of those who is sometimes a little selfish and thinks 'but what about me?' in situations. She also doesn't drive and my siblings are only 9 so there is a massive age gap and she does rely on me/others for lifts sometimes but won't directly ask 'can i have a lift?' She'll just make out it's the end of the world and give a super hint where i'm the kind to prefer someone to ask out right 😂
Since i told her i was pregnant she has been very handy and useful to have around and she is probably more excited than me (if thats possible 😆) to have this baby, her first grandchild.

To be fair, she's a great mum and we probably clash sometimes as we are very alike in many ways! Don't beat yourself up about your relationship, it takes two people to make things work. Have you had a proper chat about things? Told her how you really feel?

@Fatted She is absolutely no good at emotional things and is absolutely no comfort or support.

Your whole post sounds like my Mum. I was mugged years ago one eve and had £100 stolen. I called her from my car crying and she just said “what do you expect me to do?” Nothing Mum just wanted words of comfort.

I live a few hours away from mine so see her a few times a year, although often I'm visiting the area for reasons other than just seeing my parents. She tends to phone once a week but outside of lockdown we might not speak for 2-3 weeks, occasionally text in between. I don't know if i'd say we're close, and definitely wouldn't describe her as my best friend, it's often easier not to tell her stuff than tell her and face a spanish inquisition! She tends to have an opinion on everything and trivial things that don't really matter (like which way up you peg socks on a washing line!) have to be to be done her way.

I have a good relationship with my mum, and have become a lot closer since my dad passed away very suddenly 3 years ago. Mum is 65 and still very fit and active (more so than me!) and wants to be doing things.

We've had two abroad holidays together since dad died (a week in Switzerland and a week in Italy). We were due to have another week away together in May, but obviously Covid cancelled that. We always have a good time.

Pre dad dying, we used to speak on the phone once a week. But now we speak every day at 6pm. Only for about 10 minutes, just to check in. I like to keep tabs on her really! She lives 2 hours away, so I can't visit that often, but aim for a long weekend every 6 weeks.

I feel a lot of obligation towards her, to make sure she's okay. I think that's probably compounded by the fact my older sister shows little to no interest in her.

I'm completely non contact with my mum, in fact I'm non contact with all my family except my dad. Have been since 2016, for several reasons that I'd rather not get into. I don't want contact with her. Luckily we live 250 miles apart so no chance of bumping into any of them at all. I do really miss my brother and sister though.

My mother and I get on really well, she was and still Is a brilliant Mum to me and my siblings, she is now also a Fantastic Grandmother to the 9 grandkids she has.
I see her maybe twice a week(They live 10mins away) and we will be at my parents house for a min of 4 hrs each time.
We've only been away together once for a night spa break. We meet for luch and coffee a few times a month prior to lockdown.
I don't know how my mother looked after us all when younger, my father worked away all week and my mum had a 4yr old, 2yr old and Twins by age 22 (My parents married young) she had no help really, she did a brilliant job.

Op, A few of my friends have a strained relationship with their mothers, Do you think councelling would help?
Try not to feel guilty, its not your fault

My mum lives 3 hours away so don't see her as often as I'd like but we're very close. We speak every other day at least and have been on nights out together. She's 74 but 'young' for her age and I could tell her anything. She'll always have my back too, even if I was in the wrong she would still stick up for me.