To ask about your relationship with your mum

[bettydaviseyes1]

I might be being unreasonable to ask such a personal question and I'm sorry if it offends but I'm going through a bit of a tough time with my mum, feel like I'm the worst daughter in the world and nothing I ever do is good enough. I dont feel myself when I'm with her and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I love her to bits but it's such a complicated relationship.

So I'm wondering, how often do you call or see your mum? Do you live close? Go on holiday together?

I wonder if I am an awful daughter because we dont have that close relationship or whether i have unrealistic expectations of what a mother/daughter relationship should be. I'm 28 years old and she still puts the absolute fear in me!

I think my Mum has the same relationship with me that she had with her mother - quite strict, not a lot of love shown, I was slightly afraid of her when I was younger, she was a perfectly good Mum but not loving at all. She also has the same relationship with her grandkids that I had with my Nan - she adores them, spoils them, sees them all the time shows them the love she never showed me which is the same as her Mum (my Nan) was with me. I've accepted that it is what it is, we're closer now than we were when I was a child. I've made a firm effort not to repeat history with my own kids and treat them the way I was treated.

Useless woman cut me out 18 years ago. Not my choice, she is a narcissist, selfish lying 🤥 mother.
Still hurts sometimes but she’s not nice to be around.

I could have written your post OP. I'm 29.

Actually to be fair, I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells as such but I do feel like there is often a lot of tension between us. My mother and I are VERY different, yet I was brought up to think we clash because we're similar ("oh my gosh you and I are SOOOOO alike"). My mum is very naive and sheltered, and unfortunately is quite controlling. In the past year or so I have had to reduce my contact with her for the sake of my mental health as she can be quite emotionally abusive.

Since I reduced contact things have been better (lockdown has helped!) and she left me a very kind gesture the other day.

@Binny36 I'm always a bit hesitant about the autism label being applied- it's an excuse my DM uses if (rarely) pulled up on her poor behaviour. This is a self-diagnosed label and I think some narcissists and their co-dependent partners use it to make them more acceptable to others or to try to gain sympathy.
I'm suspicious of those like my DM who label themselves as autistic...if you have the self-awareness to analyse your own behaviour then how can you not have the self-awareness to improve your behaviour?
I've probably spent top long analysing my personal relationship with DM!

@northernsquirrel sorry your mum uses this to excuse her behaviour. I can imagine lots of narcissistic people using it as an excuse. I’ve read a lot of really brilliant blogs about narcissistic mothers. I will try finding them later

I always thought mine was very good. We don't live in the same country but have been speaking on the phone once a week since I first went to uni; this spring we have upped it to every three days or so, as she and my dad are isolated due to Covid, and dad is getting a bit frail. I do go and stay with them in the summer and again at Christmas but we don't go on any other holidays together- last time I did that I was still an undergrad.

She has never been controlling and has a lot of respect for other people's privacy and integrity. Her temper used to be a little uncertain, she has high anxiety, but as we're a tight-knit family generally speaking, me and my 3 brothers just worked around it. We've never had a situation where everybody turns, or is encouraged to turn, on one person.

I see my mum and dad most days and we camp together every summer but in separate caravan / campervans. I love my mum (but occasionally I want to throttle her!!) I live down the road from her and my sister lives next door. I see my sister and her kids most days too. We all do stuff together roughly every other weekend.

I lived the other end of the country for nearly 20 years in my 20s / 30s (even moving abroad for a year). I went home about once a month. I moved back to the nearest town to my parents after my mum had leukaemia and I had DD.

I moved back to the village after my divorce from exDH a year ago. It’s a bit close now and then but DD loves it.

My mum and I have had a few serious fillings out over the years but we always make up. It was easier after I had DD because I realised if I loved her that much my mum must love me that much too. That was a revelation. That is a LOT of love!

@Binny36 thanks so much :)
@bettydaviseyes1 thanks for starting this thread, it's always nice to know others have experienced this as I used to think it was just me

This thread made me ring my mum, where I listened to a 20 minute rant about Nicola Sturgeon 🙄😂

Have look at stephanie lyn coaching. She gives good advice around difficult people etc

Critical and judgemental, brother and oldest child was, and is still, her favourite. I envy these close loving relationships I hear of other women having with their mothers.

She's never told me she loves me, or that I'm a nice person, or anything that isn't expressing disgust at my weight, despite being at least 6 stone heavier than I am.

We have a very functional relationship; I see her every day as I take the children there to spend time with her and my dad, and she's much much better with them than she ever was with me.

Therapy has really helped me understand my relationship with my mum. I'd really recommend it.

I'd also hugely recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Really interesting thread. Interesting how some people have great relationships wit their mums. I remember when my eldest was 3 and a bit of a nightmare/tantrums I saw a friend whose 3 yr old was being equally difficult and she said ‘oh I’ve rung my mum several times this week in tears, needed advice’ and I was like god id never do that. I just don’t have that relationship where I’d call if I had a (relatively) minor problem like that - my mum would use it to criticise my parenting or to criticise my child (v negative if young children don’t behave exactly as she expects them to i.e like angels)

Gulpingcoffee same here- my mother is the last person I would go to for advice- big or small. The main thing I have learned from her is how not to parent.

Not spoke to my mum in 10 years and never will again glad I broke away from her she will never meet my children

I think I’m a little odd. Me and my mum are best friends, I have sisters but me and mum are closer than she is with my siblings. We talk on the phone twice a week but communicate via text most days. We do go on holidays just the two of us. It’s great but I m so scared of losing her, but it’s inevitable, she was an older mum, so I will probably live the last 30 years of my life without her which upsets me a lot..

I’m sorry things are strained with your mum, to be honest most people I know have a similar relationship with their mum

I live right beside mine. I see her maybe twice a year. She made my childhood miserable. I speak to the woman on the checkout in the local shop more than I do my mother.

Says it all.

Currently no contact with my mum. I loved her sincerely, thought I understood her flaws and rationalised that she was misunderstood and mistreated by others including DF. Probably at the expense of relationship with DF and so siblings. I've spent a lot of my childhood and adult life being desperate to please and gain her approval. Then DD was born 2 years ago now and I could see the daggers come out for me straight away. First grandchild and it was all about my DM. Disregarded and put down over everything. Then DM wanted to do childcare once my mat leave was over. Ended by being ignored and shooed away every single morning and evening and told not to ask about DD's day. Shouted out of her house last time we visited. Ignored by her on my birthday 2 years in a row now because she didn't like me disagreeing with her over something or other a few days before. My own childhood was a nightmare of her tantrums and shouting sessions. She ignores me now. Gone from phonecalls and visits nearly every day to nothing. I've sent a few texts since the beginning of this year and during lockdown and nothing back. Poor DF has snuck out of the house to see me and DD but tbh he is her ultimate enabler. I feel sad deep inside but a sense of relief too and I can't imagine having a proper relationship now. Also no contact with siblings but that's another matter. Yes it's sad and tough - I have no advice but sympathise with everyone who is in the same boat.

We don't go on holiday together
See her every few months (with my dad there too)
We don't have that traditional mother-daughter relationship. I do get on with my mum though.

Do you want to be closer to your mum?

We don't go on holiday together
See her every few months (with my dad there too)
We don't have that traditional mother-daughter relationship. I do get on with my mum though.

Do you want to be closer to your mum?

My DM died 3 years ago, but I will answer based on our relationship just before she died.
I used to speak to my DM every day, mainly by text and would phone her 2 or 3 times a week on average.
Before she got ill, I used to go round 1 night a week for tea when DH (DP back then) went to football & had tea at his own DM's (we had no kids)
We lived about 30 mins drive from each other
We would go on overnight or day trips occasionally, rather than full holidays.

Our relationship was very close, we were more like sisters (we loved hard and fought harder!) and that was due to her being a single mum (splitting from my dad when I was 6 months) and me being an only child. She met my stepdad when I was 17, so for a huge chunk of my life it was just us 2.

I can honestly that we were very close, but there were still things I held back from her for fear of disappointing her or upsetting her or making her feel like she had failed me, when it was just me fucking things up.

I think, regardless of the relationship you are "supposed" to have with your mum, if you feel uncomfortable or that you have to walk on eggshells, maybe you need to take a step back, for your own sanity and well being

I do not have a good relationship with my mum and the less I have to do with her the better I tell her very little as she stirs trouble she will make remarks that she knows will get to me and she is very jealous

Her selfish and cruel actions when I was a child have robbed me of being their person I could have been I’m forever doubting myself

But she is on her own so feel obligated to see her (only once since March that suits me) and I know ds is her world

I love my mum (not as much as most people do) but I don’t like her

And it shall be a relief to me when she dies not many people can understand that but that’s the way I feel

I no longer have a relationship with my mother.
She was narcissistic and controlling. I felt I could never be myself around her as I was never good enough and a constant disappointment to her.
If anything it’s made me determined to be the best mum I can be for my DD.

Growing up my mum was not emotionally supportive as there were other things going on in my family. This has led to my husband being the only person I will rely on for emotional support.

My mum was/is also very judgemental of people. I remember her being very mean a few times about my cousin who was also my best friend. This led to me not confiding in her/being unable to have a conversation with her about anything important to me.

I was my father's favourite (my siblings prob think they were too ) but I was definitely not my mother's fav. As adults my mum has taken my sister's side in one incident against me. It was a complicated issue and there were health issues on all sides but I felt totally let down and it broke my heart a little bit. So that added to my defensiveness.

However she is extremely generous financially and with her time. She absolutely loves my DC. If we had an emergency and called on her she'd drop everything and come to us.

I think she would like a closer relationship with me but I am defensive and don't have much to say to her beyond general chit chat which on the one hand is sad but on the other hand shrug it is what it is, to use a phrase I hate. My siblings will visit her and some live with her and they'll chat away to her but I haven't that much to say and am always glad of another person there to be a buffer.

Speak to her nearly every day. Live 5 minutes away. She comes on holiday. Does most of our childcare.
She is very fit and well for 70, but becoming increasingly stubborn. She is my rock.