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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about your relationship with your mum

137 replies

bettydaviseyes1 · 13/07/2020 12:14

I might be being unreasonable to ask such a personal question and I'm sorry if it offends but I'm going through a bit of a tough time with my mum, feel like I'm the worst daughter in the world and nothing I ever do is good enough. I dont feel myself when I'm with her and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I love her to bits but it's such a complicated relationship.

So I'm wondering, how often do you call or see your mum? Do you live close? Go on holiday together?

I wonder if I am an awful daughter because we dont have that close relationship or whether i have unrealistic expectations of what a mother/daughter relationship should be. I'm 28 years old and she still puts the absolute fear in me!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 13/07/2020 22:43

Sad. I feel it is what it is. I wont change her now late 70s. I tell her little. Feel things get quoted back too. Did wend with her but didnt really enjoy so didnt go again. But it speaks volumes nobody takes her on breaks...

uselessdiyer · 13/07/2020 23:10

I'm very close with my mum (and my dad). I'm aware not everyone is as lucky but I really do appreciate having my them both. They would do absolutely anything for me and have helped me out so much. I sometimes wonder what I would do without them. I speak to my mum most days and they live about 10-15 mins away. I see them at least once a week, sometimes more. I had a horrible attitude as a teenager and wasn't easy to deal with so hasn't always been like this but as soon as I moved out at 20 our relationship has been great, even when I moved back in with them for a year.

uselessdiyer · 13/07/2020 23:10

I'm very close with my mum (and my dad). I'm aware not everyone is as lucky but I really do appreciate having my them both. They would do absolutely anything for me and have helped me out so much. I sometimes wonder what I would do without them. I speak to my mum most days and they live about 10-15 mins away. I see them at least once a week, sometimes more. I had a horrible attitude as a teenager and wasn't easy to deal with so hasn't always been like this but as soon as I moved out at 20 our relationship has been great, even when I moved back in with them for a year.

SparkyTheCat · 13/07/2020 23:13

Mine still doesn't quite grasp that I'm a separate person, and this has caused major issues. She was also physically abusive when I was little. I live 200+ miles away, phone for 20mins twice a week and see her 4-5 times a year. Visits are 48hrs max, I rarely go alone and always stay in a hotel. Conversation is light - pets, tv, that sort of level. With time and therapy I've come to feel sorry for certain traumatic things in her past which probably made her like she is. This doesn't stop me having boundaries, but it does mean I exercise them as kindly as possible. Ultimately it's not my job as her daughter to make up for her disappointments and frustrations in life, many of which happened long before I was even born. I hope this helps, OP.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 13/07/2020 23:29

Very close. Very good sense of humour, easy going, ready to laugh at anything, could go out for night out, even though she was quite older mum!! Good fun.

There was a few years of very nasty problem drinking after massive family schism but I knew she adored me. She had also sacrificed alot for me.
And didn't!!.
I m
Learned early on, our parents are just people who happen to have dc.. Bumbling along as best they can and like anything else, some times we click and sometimes we don't. She could have me bent over in hysterics.

I don't want to out myself but she was also saintly, she devoted her life to her disabled relative, would stop and ask elderly ladies if they wanted lifts etc.

But... She was 1930 born. Very occasionally even though she didn't have a racist, sexist, disabillist etc bone in her body, sometimes just becsuse she was harassed or stressed she said there wrong thing and sometimes I think some daughters on here would have ignored the huge pie of the woman, all her amazing qualities and deeds because she said the wrong thing sometimes.

Tillygetsit · 13/07/2020 23:29

Dreadfully. Always havr. I always thought it was me but my dh assures me it isn't. Shes so judgemental and if it's not her way it's wrong.
Ive given up trying to put it right tbh.

VetOnCall · 13/07/2020 23:32

We're very close but don't live in each other's pockets - I moved to Canada so that would be difficult! I see her twice a year now for about 3 weeks in total, we Facetime a couple of times a week and WhatsApp most days. I miss her terribly and we have plans in place to sponsor her and my SD to move over here when she eventually retires - she's only 60 and still has a successful career that she loves. She isn't perfect but she loves me fiercely and she always, always has my back. I trust her more than anyone and I know that she'll always be there for me. We joke and take the good-natured piss out of each other a lot, it's a very relaxed, easy relationship. She's very 'young' in appearance and outlook, my friends always thought she was a cool Mum. I'm an only child and my father left for the OW when I was only 9 so it was just the two of us for a few years until she met my (lovely) SD. She did everything for me, she was loving, emotionally present, funny, firm when she had to be but easygoing and fair - she was unwaveringly supportive of my dream of going to vet school; she did everything she could to help me make it happen and I owe her so much.

I honestly can't bear to think of her not being around and I'm so sorry for anyone who has lost their much-loved Mum, or doesn't have the relationship that they would like to have with theirs Flowers

GarlicMcAtackney · 14/07/2020 00:32

Mines a covert narcissist who has destroyed me my whole life whilst playing the victim. She had no business breeding, and I refuse to participate now. I’m stuck in F O G (fear obligation guilt) but have hugely reduced contact and do grey rock with her. I see her once or twice a month, briefly, and she doesn’t get her theatrics fed by me any more, you’re not required to like or love anyone simply because of their sloppy contraceptive choices, or trash genes. Family is what we choose for ourselves.

Giffgaff99 · 14/07/2020 00:51

Love my mum to bits but I feel like I'm never good enough for her. She's very critical of everything of me but I don't think she realises it/means to be. Today I had my hair highlighted and she said she liked the streaks in my hair, she also asked when our wendy house was arriving. She didn't say it joking or laughing ... it's a £5k log cabin for the garden

BitOfFun · 14/07/2020 00:57

We are close, and phone each other most days. We had our tensions when I was a teenager, but as adults, our relationship has grown more and more warm, and we really look after each other.

Smallgoon · 14/07/2020 01:07

Haven't spoken to mine in over 5 years, so I'd say it's non-existent, and was pretty damaged for 3-5 years leading up to our fall out. It is a shame because I remember how close we used to be. But sadly she changed when she remarried.The fact that she left the country for her Dad's funeral, and returned a married woman (without anybody knowing...). I found our via her best friend that she had gotten married. So there is that.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 14/07/2020 01:26

I speak with mine everyday. See her most days. Same with my sister.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 14/07/2020 01:50

@speakout can you repost that link pls. The one you did was just a picture- jpeg file

cockneylass · 14/07/2020 02:12

What is grey rock?

Clarinet53 · 14/07/2020 06:26

I've not spoken to my mum since Jan 19. She has always compared me to others saying I wouldn't achieve as much as them.

Never showed me the same support when I became a parent as she did to my siblings.

Tells me I'm lucky with my children and their behaviour.

My husband left me in April 2019 and I've had no contact from either of my parents. It's just me and the children.

I'm doing things very differently. I will take the time to stop and listen to my children. Will reassure them about things. Will tell them I'm proud of them and that I love them. I encourage them to do what makes them happy.

Until covid my home was open to their friends to have them over for company.

When I was growing up, wasn't allowed out with friends, wasn't allowed them round as the house was like a show home

I'm happier that I'm parenting my children differently and without the negative feelings from being around my mum

NatalieH2220 · 14/07/2020 06:42

I'm much closer with my mum since having my son. I talk to her every day (via WhatsApp not phone) and pre lockdown saw her once or twice a month but we live an hour away from each other so can't just pop round. We take off days together throughout the year to spend just us and holiday once a year or every other year if not. Usually a weekend away rather than abroad.

I think it would be very different if I felt how you've described around mine though so not surprised you don't see her as often and do things together. Have you spoken to her about it?

Este67 · 14/07/2020 06:47

I have a terrible relationship with my mum. We're currently not speaking but before that I could only bear to contact her once a month because she had a habit of talking at me for hours on end about her problems. She is extremely volatile & will fly off the handle/ block me on WhatsApp at the slightest thing. She can't accept criticism, never says sorry, is verbally abusive, over sensitive, paranoid and completely irrational. It's a very toxic mix.

She lives 6 hours away but expected me to visit her regularly whereas she has only ever visited me once. She also makes it very clear she favors my brother, who doesn't do as much for her and is still financially dependent on her at the age of 30.When I see how supportive and capable other people's parents are, it makes me sad but such is life. My feeling is that if I had a friend who constantly drained me and brought nothing positive to my life I would get rid of them so why would I accept that just because she's my mother?

sashh · 14/07/2020 06:48

My relationship with my mum improved dramatically after she died.

Both my brother (golden child) and I moved hundreds of miles away in our teens/twenties.

Mary46 · 14/07/2020 10:52

Think she still tries to control us.. as another post said you wouldnt put up with that in a friend. I do minimum now odd cuppa before work chit chat etc. Find once week plenty

IHateCoronavirus · 15/07/2020 03:08

This thread has been a real eye opener sadly. I’ve suspected for a long time my mum might be autistic, she hates physical contact and when she goes try to hug us, birthdays deaths etc it just feels all wrong. I didn’t tell her i was getting my married for fear of her reaction, and I couldn’t let her come to my DD funeral because she would have tried to control things and I was desperately trying to ensure my other DC were the least traumatised as possible from
the whole event.
I can’t remember as a child ever being held by her it was always my dad. She has always been very controlling and manipulative, quick to show her strong disappointment in anything that she wouldn’t enjoy telling someone, yet the most supportive and proud with achievement. She herself was very successful in her career and is still called upon in retirement.
She is a good grandma and the children love her, and she can’t do enough for people in the parish. Drives them places etc. But then she loves to tell people she has done all of these things. We can’t trust her with secrets she will use whatever We are going through as conversation starters.
I feel guilty for saying any of the above but also I know those things have shaped me as an adult who now struggles with balanced relationships. I am a people pleaser and mentally exhausted as a result.

IHateCoronavirus · 15/07/2020 03:09

I’m also very scared of repeating the same pattern with my own dc and constantly second guessing myself.

speakout · 15/07/2020 13:15

www.bethanywebster.com/

Cherrysoup · 15/07/2020 13:54

I wouldn’t say we were close. She is alcohol dependent, I couldn’t bring friends home after the age of 16 or so. I’m only in touch because of the wider family being near her physically and emotionally. Both my brother and I chose to leave home and move as far away as possible.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 15/07/2020 13:59

I haven't had contact with my mum for 4 years and was pretty low contact before that. I still get emotionally manipulative letters every now and then but they get binned.

NiknicK · 15/07/2020 14:05

Hi. My relationship with my DM sounds similar to what you’ve just described. Don’t get me wrong I love her to bits but she can be hard work at times. Her and my df have tried to interfere in my life countless times, not giving advice like they say, but telling me there opinion on things when it comes to my kids, what I do, where I live etc and we’ve had a couple of arguments over the years. They always think they know best which I find infuriating and sometimes I don’t feel like I can fully relax but this is more around my dm than my df. Don’t get me wrong they’re good with my dc and tneu do love them but they prefer to spoil them with presents money gifts than actually spend quality time with them. We have never been on holidays together as a family and they have only babysat a couple of times when I’ve had appointments. My dm especially is of the mindset that she didn’t have it easy when me and my db were little and if occasionally I have a little moan she always points out that my df worked longer shifts than my dh so she did all the parenting on her own. I’ve learned to let a lot of it go over my head but sometimes it isn’t easy.