To ask about your relationship with your mum

[bettydaviseyes1]

I might be being unreasonable to ask such a personal question and I'm sorry if it offends but I'm going through a bit of a tough time with my mum, feel like I'm the worst daughter in the world and nothing I ever do is good enough. I dont feel myself when I'm with her and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I love her to bits but it's such a complicated relationship.

So I'm wondering, how often do you call or see your mum? Do you live close? Go on holiday together?

I wonder if I am an awful daughter because we dont have that close relationship or whether i have unrealistic expectations of what a mother/daughter relationship should be. I'm 28 years old and she still puts the absolute fear in me!

We get on well enough now (I'm nearly 50), but I wouldn't describe us as close. Live 300 miles apart, speak once a week, see each other once a year-ish.

Didn't have the greatest childhood, she was always miserable and resentful, and it just got worse when my dad died when i was 12. Sometimes she was downright cruel. With hindsight I suspect maybe some depression or other MH problem but it's difficult to say. As a teen and a young adult, I was so envious of my friends' relationships with their mums - there was a mix of younger trendy mums who were more like friends, and more old-fashioned motherly mums who baked and cooked and happily gave lifts and helped out with stuff, even if they weren't the sort of mum that you did girly days out with or confided in. Mine just didn't seem to like me very much, and even now i don't think she 'gets' me - I rarely discuss anything important or emotional with her, and find it very uncomfortable when she wants emotional support or physical affection from me.

I do love her and I know she loves me, but I wish she'd been a different mother when i was younger, I think a lot of the stupid decisions I've made over the years, and some of the issues I have to this day, are a direct result of the way she was with me - telling your 8yo child that's being bullied 'well I can't help it if no-one likes you' cuts really fucking deep, and isn't easily forgotten. We don't talk about that though, because that would involve her taking responsibility for how she was, which we Do Not Talk About Ever (I have tried and either get a cats bum face and immediate change of subject, or floods of tears and 'don't be so horrible to meeeeee, you don't know how hard my life was etc etc)'.

I don't think she really understands that me keeping her at arms length now is a direct result of stuff that happened many many years ago.

I live 5 minutes away from my mum and wouldn't even go for a coffee with her. She's just never liked me and made it extremely obvious my whole life. She adores my sister.

My MIL on the other hand is "Mum" to me. I hope my dcs feel the same way about me as DH and I do about her. It might sound a strange thing to say about your MIL but I met DH quite young so I've known her for so long and she's just the total opposite to my Mum. I'm always so envious when DH tells me stories from his childhood. I wish I had a mum like her growing up, but feel very grateful to have her as a MIL now!

Yes I dont tell her much now. She got her own way with dad. I find it so draining. Moods if she told no

My mum is lovely. But a bit sheltered. She doesn't ever call me, but will email instead! I usually chat to my dad as he's easier to get hold of!

I have a great relationship with my mum. She is always there for me and I speak to her daily and see her at least 3 times a week for a meal, a coffee or to take her shopping.
Conversly, I do not gave a great relationship with my eldest daughter. She is early 20's and will only ever contact me if she wants something, never asks how I am or about my life and is constantly dissatisfied in life. This makes me very sad, especially that she seems so unhappy and lonely but I can't seem to help however I try.

Her relationship with my mother is similar and she tries to play is off each other but this doesn't work anymore. I've tried so hard to be proactive in building the relationship but I am only valued for practical or financial help. My time and presence are unwanted.
Mother daughter relationships are very complex and if you know you are trying hard and getting nowhere then at some point you have to stop blaming yourself and except that blood doesn't always mean compatiblity.

I also don't get the 'best friend' thing. She's my mum, not my friend. It's a different thing entirely.

Very close. Speak at least a few times a week. She's not my best friend, but she's the best female figure in my life (I'm 35 and still won't tell her about certain things!). She is the funniest band strongest woman I know.

However, she's intense and highly strung, which I'm not, and 48 hours in her company is plenty thanks.

We chat like best friends but also argue and disagree a fair amount. We have a few big blow ups a year usually over not much. She loves my kids as much as I do. I admire her but she also annoys me too sometimes. I think I will be lost when she dies, and hope it's not for many years. She's my anchor in the world. We don't agree on everything (like fashion, home decor and TV choices) but on the big stuff we really do. She is like a big warm hug in the world and if I can be half the woman she is then I have done well. She over steps sometimes and doesn't really get boundaries, that used to really piss me off. But now I can see that's part of her warm character, she is so full of hope and life and love and empathy that it spills out, she overflows with it. She's not a little lady, well contained and self censored, she's not a dainty flower on the mountain side, she is the mountain. And no matter what rain and wind and thunder I throw at her, she is always there.

My Mum is a lovely, kind person. We were super close when I was small but grew apart, she was best friends and then became a carer for her own mum when I was about 10, and there wasn’t really space for me (and I can’t imagine how stressful it all was for her!) so I just got on with things and subsequently we are not close at all. Wouldn’t occur to me to call for advice / help etc. Speak on text about once a week and see her and my dad maybe every 6 weeks or so, they live a couple of hours away. We are just so totally different and really have nothing in common, I genuinely think she’s lovely, but it’s as though barriers come up when I see or speak to her.

@Ohffs66 telling your 8yo child that's being bullied 'well I can't help it if no-one likes you' cuts really fucking deep, and isn't easily forgotten..

Oh I know what that feels like. I was a bit of a space nerd as a child and I remember telling my Mum about the planets (I was about 11) and my Mum said to me “No wonder they’re picking on you”

The sense of entitlement can be awful. Friends dont get it as theirs are easy. The joys 😑

My mums needs come first always. It makes our relationship difficult at times. Her focus on herself and her own needs meant I became fiercely independent. It was only when I was 17/18 that more realised that I didn't need her and that was when our relationship became rather strained. Given the choice I would have minimal contact with my mum but that would cut me off from other family. So I play nice and find ways she can feel like I need her. We speak every week or so but it is difficult to keep boundaries. She gets into habits of phoning in the middle of the work day and is put out that I a) I'm at work and b) that I don't have time to talk.
She sees her parents every day and she speaks to my siblings most days so I'm the one that has broken the mold. For my sanity I need distance but it is hard to manage her expectations.

My Mum is a narcissist. I cut her out of my life when I was 19.

No regrets and no desire to see her. In my head, the Mum I knew and loved as a kid died a long time ago.

20 years on haven't missed her much. Got used to not having her around and life is infinitely less complicated when she's not in it.

A lot of this is pretty hard to read it’s stirring up a lot of emotions.

I would always have said I’m very close with my mum but in truth that hasn’t been accurate in years. She still sees me as a selfish ungrateful lazy teenager - she was incredibly controlling and we clashed constantly - but now I’m in my 30s I’m a very different person.

I always thought she was so smart and well informed growing up but more and more I see that she actually has quite a narrow world view. She had a traumatic childhood and is most likely undiagnosed autistic too so to say she was a difficult person growing up is to put it mildly. We were constantly on eggshells and my DF spent his life trying to manage her moods. She is very intolerant but paints herself as otherwise.

She lives very far away and we haven’t been to visit in a long time, it was always them coming to us, but I have 2 young DDs and run a business with DH so it’s been harder for us to travel.

She’s a brilliant grandparent and my DDs adore her. I do love her very very much myself but whereas we used to talk on the phone almost every day now I barely speak to her because I know my mood will be ruined by her never ending pessimism.

I would like to repair the relationship but I’m not really sure how without her getting some major help and she never will.

I want to say thank you to each and every response, I didnt think there would be so many! Its helped me realise that mother/daughter relationships come in a lot of different shapes and sizes! I also see a lot of repetition of controlling and hostile behaviour which makes me feel not as alone. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy as the older I get the more subtle the behaviours are but I'm guessing that's out of necessity rather than anything else, you cant scream at, grab and push about an adult woman the same way you can a child.

It's one of the most defining relationships and I know it will never be perfect or how I would like but some things are so ingrained I have to work very hard to fight the negative feelings. 5 years ago I would have said she could do no wrong and gushed about her but now I realise I was bending every single way i could to meet her needs and prevent one of her anger outbursts. It was stressful, i had a (what I thought was unrelated) breakdown. Now my eyes are open and I cant close them again, she doesnt know what's hit her. I'm not rude (I wouldnt dare) but I dont pander, fuss, flatter and gravel like I used to. And it proves one thing, she has not much an interest in me, only how in so far as what I can do for her/how I make her look.

I have so many things I want to say directly to some of the posters and I will when I get a chance. Thanks again everyone.

I'm non contact with mine, have been since my late 30s.

Growing up she treated my brother and I differently. Whenever she needed help with something it was me she expected to help her - it didn't matter what I was doing apparently that wasn't important. My brother could be doing something that wasn't urgent/important but she would never ask him. If I complained she would dismiss what I was saying.

Yet even though it was me she relied she still treated me like an imbecile, who didn't have a clue how to do anything. As an independent adult I have lost count how many times she has tried to organise me when I was doing something quite routine - loading my dishwasher, deciding which load of laundry to put on first, buying a specific brand of something etc.
One incident I remember I was loading my tumble dryer, I closed the door and set the program. There was then a 5 second time delay to switching it on (she didn't know) so I stood and waited, for which she then bollocked me for not switching it on. When I explained about the delay she walked off without listening to me. She didn't do it again so I presume she did actually hear what I said but didn't want to acknowledge it because then she'd have to acknowledge she was in the wrong and apologise to me for the way she had spoken to me.

Over the years I stood up to her more and more and I know she hated that. She became deliberately difficult and more demanding of my time, expected her wants to be put before mine and my DCs needs and in the end she went off in a narcissistic sulk expecting me to grovel to her - I haven't. It's nice not having to deal with her controlling and manipulating. My children have a fantastic grandmother in my MIL, and my dad's partner has a great relationship with them.

Complicated here too. In general I'm close to my mum, she's a lovely person and she'd do anything for me but also she doesn't really understand me and often criticises me.

She wouldn't phone me unless I phoned her and when I do call her she tries to get off the phone as quickly as possible. She often just throws money at me and buys nice things to make up for her lack of emotional support. She has depression and mental health issues though and it's quite exacerbated at the moment since Covid so she's particularly difficult to interact with and be around at the moment. I don't know what I can do to help her as she's currently very detached and nothing we say seems to be getting through x

0 to 10 - we loved each other, from 11 to 30 love/hate... but from then on, we grew close and i loved my mum to bits, she was everything to me, so wise and highly intelligent, our conversations, as she became fraill, i will ever forget.

Taken me years to come to terms her not being here any more.

Deelish awful. I still feel she tries to control us. She has zero news since Covid. Always about them. Its like I have a sense of duty to her. My mil is great.

I have a love hate relationship with mine.
She’s done some really terrible things that have traumatised me over the years so I put in a lot of distance between us (moved away) and it’s been better to some degree. I can just about cope with her visits now.

We have a very close relationship. She can be a bit suffocating (I had to have a go when she couldn't get hold of me once so called my husband, he was busy so she called my friend to check where I was - I had been an hour I was having a nap!) But she means well and that's more about her anxiety needs.
We talk every day, pre lockdown ds and I stay once a week as I did when pregnant and mostly before that too.
We can tell each other pretty much everything and she always has my back (a little too ferociously at times!). Theres probably not anything I wouldn't share with her aside from things private between dh and I!

I dont know many others who are as close to be fair.

Frankly- very hard work

I can relate to OP description of walking on egg shells which I now understand is due to my DM being narcissistic and I suspect personality disordered. Only ever received praise or recognition as a child if I did things that pleased her or were deemed 'acceptable'. Spent a lot of time and money in therapy finding out who I am and how to stop self sabotaging myself.

Breakthrough moment was realising that the world will not stop turning if i make a decision that she disapproves of.

Useful resources for me- Grey Rock technique,
Youtube- Jerry Wise 'Family systems Technique' and Meredith Miller 'Inner Integration'

@Fatted I’ve often wondered if my mum has autism. She’s never hugged or kissed me as far as I can remember. I’m talking about really upsetting things and she looks bored and changes subject. When I was shopping for wedding dress she came with me and didn’t care, her response was they all look sane just pick one. I was very upset and tbh still am when I see dress shopping type programmes where the mothers are tearing up and excited seeing their daughters in wedding dress. I feel a bit upset today as I blamed her for something that happened in my childhood because she didn’t look after me at times and was quite neglectful. Does anyone else think these might be signs of autism?

I love my mum to bits but our relationship can feel odd to me. My Nan (her mum) was my best friend and always there for me. My mum has knocked everything I do. Every failed relationship I still get digs years later about how much of a failure I am. I can’t eat in front of her as she has commented on every mouthful since I was about 6. She has often made out like having us ruined their lives.

We message most days and see her at least once a month, lives close by but I work a lot.