AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

[SusieOwl4]

the thing is if there was a genuine reason why you were not invited - such as its uni friends only , then if she was a true friend she would have explained that to you earlier because its obvious how it looks . So that's hurtful in itself .

And I agree if you feel she is heading into a marriage with a controlling person I think you should re-think your role as MOH anyway . Perhaps this gives you the get out you need .

If when you tell her she comes up with some excuse it does not really matter because you are hurt , and she should have been more thoughtful in the way she handled it.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I think blaming the financé is easy but given he knows you well enough to text and the fact you are MoH I dont think it's just that - he will probably hate most people she is friends with and if he really hated you in particular you wouldnt even be in the wedding party surely

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Of course YANBU. I would pull out of being MOH. Just tell her, that you now feel you are unable to be MOH. If she doesn't ask you why, she knows she has been horrible

They kept it secret from you - they know that they are being vile.

I would wish her every joy, and resign my commission (ie pull out of MOH role). And don't get them anything for a wedding present either!

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

I would be very hurt too...you don't need friends like these really you don't. Friends,true friends are kind and cosiderate and loyal and more than those things they are honest and have respect for each other. I am sorry you found out the hard way OP.

[applesandpears33]

I wonder if the fiance sees you or your fiance as a threat, possibly people who would call him out on his controlling behaviour? If so, I expect you will find yourself increasingly marginalised. It is interesting that you met your friend when it was just the two of you and without any partners present. Your friend's fiance has known her university friends and their partners for long enough that he possibly doesn't consider them a threat or people who would call him out on his controlling behaviour.

If you can get out of being MOH in a way that means you can stay friends then that'd be great. She may regard her uni friends as being friends of her fiance also, so if she ever does want to leave him she may feel she can't turn to them.

[acatcalledjohn]

Now is the time to suggest to her she finds a new MOH as she has the entire bridal party with her on "honeymoon".

[Pinkyyy]

I'd just text her now and tell her exactly how you feel, you've got nothing to lose because the friendship and mutual MOH is gone.

[wheretonow123]

It's interesting also nthat her mum commented on it - her mum also sees the issues.

Mums can be quite perceptive.

[romeolovedjulliet]

she's going to be on here in a couple of years time complaining about her twat of a 'd'h, how he ignores their dc and beats her up, but she loves him andhe doesitbeausehe cares about her.
poor delude woman.

[2pinkginsplease]

If it was a uni get together why didn’t she mention it to you, pretty shit hat you are the only person not invited to it from the bridal party when they are away celebrating what would have been their honeymoon.

I have been in your situation doing everything for a friend, helping them through a messy split, helping them move only for them to get a horrid manipulative boyfriend who I saw through from the beginning, he doesn’t like that I sussed him out so she pulled back from me and we no longer speak, she stopped replying and never initiated communication I gave up and that was a friend ship spanning 30 years!

Friends don’t treat you like that! There is no way I’d allow dh to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with.

[AhNowTed]

She kept it secret from you knowing full well there's a good chance you'd see it on social media. That's so hurtful. I would be absolutely gutted too.

[2pinkginsplease]

I’ve nevertheless used Instagram, can you comment on a photo posted? I would ask where your invite was if you could,

[Brieminewine]

I would have to text and say something blunt like PP said, and then the friendship would be over. How can you be so close if you’ve been excluded? Doesn’t make sense. I wonder if there’s a problem with your partner, either one of the group doesn’t like him, or one of the girls have dated him previously?

(Sorry I’m getting flashbacks of that Friends episode when Monica doesn’t get invited to her cousins wedding and it turns out the groom is her ex )

[gumball37]

I'd comment in one of the posts "wow... So you purposely left on me out of the invitations for the bridal party? I don't think we should be a part of each other's weddings any more. Best of luck." Then unfriend and block.

But I'm a bitch when it comes to this stuff and I don't give a shit about burning bridges.

[LadyFlumpalot]

I think you should like and comment on the Instagram posts personally- but then that's exactly what I did when my supposed best mate bailed on a night out through lack of childcare, but was then tagged in clubbing photos posted by another friend.

[gumball37]

*only me out

[Spied]

Does the groom know your partner from the past?
Are you sure your OH doesn't know why you are being held at a distance?

[gamerchick]

Look, you know where you stand. You can go over and hash out every little thing she's done but all that'll do is hurt.

Block her on SM and find yourself a new MOH. She'll know why when you block her and she'll either get in touch or not. If she does you can have your say and then tell her to fuck off.

These people aren't worth your hurt, it doesn't matter why she's done it, she's done it and how you react will tell her where your line is drawn.

[Gogogadgetarms]

I wouldn’t ask while she’s away. She’ll accuse you of trying to ruin it for her and you won’t be going anyway now.
I’d wait until she got back, tell her you feel hurt not to be included and ask her why you weren’t.
Let her response dictate yours.

[sunshinewhereareyou]

DP has never dated any of the party they don't have a reason to dislike him - only not that close to him. But they could have invited me without him as it seems the other bridesmaids boyfriend didn't come and it's not a couples only holiday...

[Rosebel]

I think a lot of people have been harsh blaming your friend, saying she isn't a true friend. I don't think your friend is to blame, it will be her fiance.
If he is controlling and abusive then distancing yourself is exactly what he wants. He won't stop with you, it'll carry on until he is all she has left.
That doesn't mean you have to stay friends or be her MOH. You are totally right to be hurt but it sounds like a uni friends holiday nothing to do with the wedding.
I wouldn't stop being friends as I'd want to be there for her but it's up to you if you feel the friendship is worth it or not.

[notcycling]

I say this with the benefit of hindsight and age (not that old but have been through something similar). I wish I had not spent all the time and effort I did trying to save a friendship when it was clear it wasn't worth saving.
I would respond:
'I really hope you had a nice time.
However, it is clear that you don't want me to a part of your wedding so I'm going to excuse myself from the my role as MOH.
I wish you the best of luck.'

And then just move on. Some friendships don't last. I know that now and you will too. X

[AhNowTed]

How the hell is this going to play out when they return. Are they not going to mention their big group holiday, ever??

[SillyUnMurphy]

Message her quite simply - I see you've the whole bridal party away with you - did my invite get lost in the post?
See what she comes up with.

I'd probably send that, wait for a response and then, and I don't say this lightly, I'd ghost her for all eternity. You are getting nothing from this friendship and her fiance sounds like an absolute arsehole. Would you really miss them?

[Chloemol]

To be honest, with Coronavirus would you want to go? If there is no air bridge you have to quarantine for 14=days when you get back

That said I get it’s hurtful not to be invited, and not to be even told and to find out in Instagram. It may well be down to her controlling fiancé , or it maybe uni friends but why not say something as you are the only person from the bridal party not included

I would be rethinking the friendship, you don’t seem to see her a lot, she takes ages respond so I would be sending a blunt text along the lines of, nice to see everyone from the bridal party there, I assume you don’t need my services as moh, hope you have a nice wedding, and don’t worry I will find a friend to be my moh

You are better off out of it