AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

[Ellie56]

This is down to the controlling partner, not her.

[subsy1]

Maid or Matron of Honour

[idontlikealdi]

SHe's a work mate, not a friend. A friend wouldn't do that. I'd be backing out of her wedding and ditching her from yours.

[LoudestCat14]

Gosh, you've had a lucky escape, because she would've been an awful MOH for you. Now you can enjoy your wedding without worrying about what she and her fiance are thinking/behaving.

[redspecial]

try not to give it a moment more headspace.

the universe will take care of her.

[FuckyouCovid21]

@confusedinlondon

what is MOH?

Maid of Honour

[confusedinlondon]

what is MOH?

[Joeblack066]

OP have you ever seen Muriel’s Wedding? The ‘friend’ in this reminds me so much of the first Bride & Wedding in that movie. All so false and horrid.
You have had a lucky escape. Who wants to be part of a wedding where one half is abusive and controlling?
Allow yourself to grieve the friendship, then continue with your head held high!

[MuddlingMackem]

MintyMabel Thu 11-Mar-21 10:55:21
I was the only one of her friends who isn't connected to her fiancé

[ . . . ]

What she has done, and subsequently said has been hurtful to you. I can see that being left out felt awful but I can understand why she might have done that - and why she might not be able to explain that to you. The worry is, now she has nobody. If I were in your situation, I might leave it that, although the friendship is effectively over, my final text to her would be to let her know that despite what has happened, I'd be there for her in the future if she ever needs me.

I agree with this.

I understand how hurtful this has been but, in case posters are right about her OH deliberately getting rid of you, I would send that one last message and then put it all out of your mind. That way you will be able to sleep easy knowing you have done all you can for now.

[FuckyouCovid21]

I really don't know why you didn't tell her to fuck right off last year, you would have saved yourself a lot of angst. She's got to be even more nasty to you over the last few months and she's dumped you, she shouldn't have been given the chance.

Never mind, hope you've blocked them all now, none of them are your friends

[MintyMabel]

I was the only one of her friends who isn't connected to her fiancé

I know you've gone ahead and ended it but my concern is, she was keeping you at arms length from him because she knew you were her escape from a controlling atmosphere where her life was him, his friends, and "her" friends who were very much part of an established group. If you are in a very controlling relationship, having an outsider you can rely on is quite important.

What she has done, and subsequently said has been hurtful to you. I can see that being left out felt awful but I can understand why she might have done that - and why she might not be able to explain that to you. The worry is, now she has nobody. If I were in your situation, I might leave it that, although the friendship is effectively over, my final text to her would be to let her know that despite what has happened, I'd be there for her in the future if she ever needs me.

[DreamyDays77]

She sounds like a user. You are well rid, people like her are just focused on themselves and she’ll likely be a bridezilla- hence none of her other friends wanting to be moh. The fact her friends and talk behind her back says it all about who she surrounds herself with. Hold your head high and move on

[sunshinewhereareyou]

Thanks all. Definitely the end of the friendship.

I won't share screenshots, I am hoping karma takes care of all of that.
I am lucky to have a few amazing friends who have supported me throughout. They think the fiance has taken control.

I am the fifth person this has happened to this year though from her friendship group, so I shouldn't be surprised!

[sunshinewhereareyou]

@Hidinginstaircupboard

I wondered why this old thread was resurrected. It is kind of OP to come back and give an update.

Really, this is about different expectations of friendships

OP is intense, highly sensitive and perhaps a little quietly opinionated. Reading her posts, it feels a bit smothering. Being upset for being thanked by a text not by an IG post as so & so got better thanks; non urgent texts not being replied to for a couple hours (or even a day) causing hurt feelings for OP

For me, It is easy to understand her ExFriend wanted to go on holiday with her old uni mates (& their partners). And it's nothing to do with OP & her DP.

It simply wasn't a 'wedding event' it just happened to be a get together around the time their wedding had been postponed from. And who cares what MIL/ Friends Mother said about how OP ought visit Country...?

Maybe OP and exfriend had a lovely friendship better in 1:1s... so what? One of my closet friends I love seeing her 1:1, I say hi to her DC, and do like her DH BUT they're not fun to hang out with for a weekend, my DCs don't particularly get on with them like they do uni friend families & DCs, because different SOHs... She's say the same herself, we're honest friends.

I had friends from different groups, family, uni, school in my bridal party . I would be very pissed off if one of them had used "But I'm in the bridal party so should be invited whoever you see any other bridal party friend..." as an excuse to insert themselves in to all my social meet ups with other friendship groups randomly over the year preceding my wedding. That's get very smothering and boring. It's not ALL about a wedding!!

Ex friend was allowed to spend time with who she wanted when she wanted. She was allowed not to reply to texts for a couple hours. And if OP was being increasingly intense, it's not surprising she took a step back to be slightly less available.

So after this post originally, it transpired that non-group friends were on this holiday, it was a 'sorry you couldn't get married thing' and they had a little party on the final night.

I sent a message as people suggested but was still pretty nice in it. She agreed she'd been out of order. But she wouldn't see me any time soon because of COVID and they wanted to stick to the rules this time. Two months later they went back to Country (on their own), again when it was advised again, they broke quarantine. They broke tier 4 etc. So it because obvious that it was me they didn't care to see.

I am pretty emotional and sensitive. Not smothering. The texts she doesn't reply to aren't 'unimportant'. It's months of not speaking. She had no idea I had a health scare because she wouldn't respond. She didn't pick up when I got a prognosis etc. So it all accumulated.

I promise I'm not usually so 'smothering'!

[AncoraAmarena]

No absolutely don't screen shot messages from her friends, that's a terrible idea.

I am sorry it has worked out like this but do your best to put it behind you. You sound like a lovely friend and it is her loss. Karma will get her, don't worry. Forget about it all, it will get easier as time passes.

[Tigertigertigertiger]

I do love it when someone returns after a few months with an update.

OP sounds like she was never a true friend. So sad when that happens.

[Honeyroar]

Do not drop the other friends in it by sharing their texts. That would be a really nasty move and you’d deserve all the ostracising you’d get from them all. Lots of people are two faced to their friends like this. They seem to go a lot further in friendships than people who are honest. It’s always baffled me.


Sadly it sounds like this friendship was only valuable to her when you worked together and it was easy. It’s horrible the way it’s happened, but now you’ve got to walk away with your head up.

[Chickychickydodah]

She wouldn’t be my”friend “ after a stunt like this. Delete block and move on...

[MindGrapes]

OP I'm sorry this has happened. You had a good reason to end it last year. Your friend has acted appallingly in my opinion but at least you don't have to feel any guilt about ditching the arsehole.

[jamthencreamyoufool]

Do people actual live like this? It's not a joke of some kind? Sounds exhausting. Nobody looks good in this scenario

[Imissmoominmama]

^See this is where I would get petty. She says others are better friends. That’s when I would be replying with “Really?” and following it up with screenshots of the messages that her other friends sent you about her DP

What have you got to lose?^

Her self respect and dignity? Please don’t do this OP!

[KD99]

I would take a step back - she means more to you than you do to her. If she really values the friendship she will ask why and make amends, if not walk away, life's too short.

[RevolvingPivot]

To be honest I read this last night with the update and still replied to the original post this morning. I think people will understandably reply to the first bit.

[willibald]

Wow, she was a shit friend. You'll be better without her.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, I should have finished my "thoughts" with this:
Either way, whether it's her being shit or him being shit, it's not worth it - leave it alone and find a way to move on from this friendship because there's nothing there for you now.

Don't reply any more, just write the whole thing off. I KNOW it hurts and sucks entirely to have a friendship end this way - but you know that in reality it's nothing that you've done - your paths have just diverged too far now, so keep treading your own path and let her go her way.