AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

[missnevermind]

I would message her something along the lines of ' The friendship is obviously not what I thought it was and I now don't feel able to be the MOH'

[ScouseDottir]

OP, despite your wealth now, your friend may prefer to hang out with people like her who have grown up entitled with money and have more in common with them. I have come across this a lot. She may really like you and think you are the best person for the job, but Prosecco by the pool from 10am in her Tuscan Villa and the chatter that surrounds this? Not so much.

When she said they are not close to your fiancé, what they mean is they don't want to hang out with him. He's not their cup of Earl Grey. It is probably the DP. The snobbiest people I've ever come across are men who have been brought up with a bit of money.

Finally, I know quite a few people with villas and it is amazing how they suddenly think it is a stick to beat you with. I've had a few dangled like a carrot in front of me and taken away if I've not towed the line. One of my relatives sent me an email saying that they are not letting anyone stay in their villa so don't ask. I hadn't! In the end people offered me a free stay in a couple and I said "no thanks, if I want a holiday I'll sort my own out. We don't need charity".

By the way, can you not comment on her social media some PA comments like "Wow, that looks so amazing. Glad you are ALL having a great time".

[Thelnebriati]

If you find out a friend is relaying everything you say to a controlling partner then the safest thing to do is withdraw from the friendship, because she has demonstrated she will always put him first.
You can help her leave if its safe for you to do so, but you should be realistic and expect that to backfire on you if she returns to him. Part of the reconciliation process is having to confess everything to the abuser.

[rc22]

I would distance yourself from her. Remain civil and polite if you have to see her in a work capacity.

[randomer]

He sounds a delight! Actually they both do.

[MaryLennoxsScowl]

Agree that ‘we aren’t close to your DH’ = ‘we/he thinks your DH is a twat’. There doesn’t have to be an obvious reason like them having had a row. I have never had a row with a friend’s DH but I think he’s boring, rude, crude, treats her like shit and I would move mountains to avoid putting up with him on holiday. Mind you, I wouldn’t have plastered it all over Instagram either.

[EnjoyingTheSilence]

That’s shitty, I can see why you’re hurt and upset. I agree you need to say something otherwise you’ll just become more and more resentful. Be prepared for them all to get defensive though and the friendship to end though.

[MzHz]

I think a lot of people have been harsh blaming your friend, saying she isn't a true friend. I don't think your friend is to blame, it will be her fiance.

You know what? she's old enough to get married, have a career etc, she's old enough to take the consequences for how she treats others.

Message her quite simply - I see you've the whole bridal party away with you - did my invite get lost in the post? See what she comes up with


^This is what I'd send.

Let's face it @sunshinewhereareyou, the time for worrying about feelings is LONG gone! she doesn't have the slightest concern for yours so absolutely DO make her squirm. She doesn't deserve you.

[headhurtstoomuch]

Who picked the other as MOH first? Did you ask her first then she reciprocated in the moment as such? Just a thought...

[Pregnantandstressed24]

I’d message her and say hey, saw the pics of you away with the whole bridal party, did you have a good time? I’d then be letting her know I’d realised that maybe we aren’t as close as I thought so I’d decided to ask another friend to be my MOH and I’m sure she will understand as you weren’t invited to go away with the bridal party who are much closer than you guys. Make her squirm. She’s been horrible.

[TatianaBis]

Finally, I know quite a few people with villas and it is amazing how they suddenly think it is a stick to beat you with

Wtaf?

[TatianaBis]

She doesn’t like your fiancé by the sounds of it.

Or she likes you enough for MoH but not enough for chilling by the pool.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Honestly, from your later posts I am

What the hell is the point? You realise she's probably going to phase you out after the wedding-? - I would honestly save the money you would have spent on going.

I'd be quite tempted to just completely ghost her until she calls you to find out what's going on, then just send her a link to this thread. Or tell her you're done with having to pretend she's not in an abusive relationship.

She's not your friend though. Not at all.

[AriadnesFilament]

You’re expecting reasonable, sensitive, and thoughtful behaviour from a woman who is marrying a fundamentally unreasonable man and whose behaviour is controlled by an unreasonable man.

The fact that you haven’t been invited isn’t down to her, it’s down to him.

It looks to me like either you’ve been picked to be MOH precisely because you are not a close friend and therefore cannot be the ringleader of control hen do activities, for example OR she chose you despite his objections and now he’s punishing her by making his displeasure known in small ways like not acknowledging or thanking you for gifts (and not allowing her to thank you either), not allowing you to be invited to things.

He wants her life segregated and rigidly controlled, and her social group managed by him.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to expect types and levels of ‘normal’ behaviour when the relationship she is embroiled in, and that you have agreed to be party to, is fundamentally dysfunctional.

[thevassal]

So all the groomsmen are the partners of the bridesmaids, who are the bride's uni friends? Does the groom not have any friends of his own that he'd like to ask?
I wouldn't be comfortable being MOH in the first place because of all the issues around the groom beign so possessive - it would seem like endorsing it to me. Now leaving you out so blatantly would be a good excuse to refuse.
If she had meant it to be all uni friends then that was a good reason to tell you upfront, and then perhaps plan soemthing just with you two, not to try and hide it.
If you don't talk much etc. other than about the wedding then what are you getting out of this friendship?

[CheesecakeAddict]

Honestly, I would just withdraw totally from that relationship. It doesn't matter why dshe didn't invite you, the point is, she left you out. And if it was some uni friend get together, she would have surely told her 'best friend' about that and not kept it a secret. I wouldn't even bother with any snide messages, so you will just come across as being jealous or petty (even if it is not true, you have no idea how she will relay this to everyone else). I would just suddenly stop following her on all forms of social media and just move on.

[AriadnesFilament]

*out of control hen do activities

[tigger001]

You will never really know until you front this situation out. If other issues are niggling at you then I suggest a good sit down.

I would have to send her message now though, just saying, "I've heard you are away with the wedding party and was just wondering why ,as your maid of honour, I wasn't invited.?

She might not be great at replying to messages,but I bet she will read them and it will be good for her to have her actions on her mind whilst away, then on her return, a good honest chat is needed.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Does she put her friends in different "boxes" ?
I had a friend who kept her acting pals separate from her university pals, her school pals in another "box" and her school run mummy pals separate again.

Remember that the way you met was through work. You were paid to be together. It doesn't necessarily mean friendship (although it can be a bonus) and maybe now that you don't work together then the thing -work- are loosening.

Is there a chance that although her parents villa was the venue for the holiday that apart from providing that, someone else in the group has arranged the guests. (I found out that a good friend had celebrated a milestone birthday without me. I later found out that my invitation had gone into my others box on messenger because I didn't know the person sending it and I don't check messages from random people).

[lynxca16]

You are quite entitled to feel hurt as anyone excluded from an event would without any explanation or reason.

Don't think she is much of a friend and suggest you do not acknowledge/respond to any photos you see.
Move on with your own life and make it the best you can:))

[tigger001]

I say that as I over think everything and wouldn't be able to withdraw from a friendship without an explanation and hate any game playing, being up front works best IME.

[Lula11]

This must have been so hurtful for you!
I’d be torn two ways between blocking her for all time, and sending her one of the messages the other posters have put up and seeing what she says, and probably then blocking.
I suppose you have to work out what’s best for you and your peace of mind.
Btw, don’t feel like it’s your job to fix or support her because she’s in this abusive relationship. She can look for ‘why does he do that’ off her own bat.
You’ll be on a hiding to nothing, and push them closer together. Concentrate on yourself and your own upcoming wedding

[PennyinmyPocket]

Did your partner get an invite to the wedding OP?

I wouldn’t say anything while she is with her “friends”. I wouldn’t text her either. If I were in your position I would bide my time, wait for her to get back, invite her to meet up for a drink/coffee and ask her outright. Her face will tell you all you need to know.

I don’t think you weren’t invited because they are all uni friends and you would feel left out. It would have been an ideal time for you to meet up with the rest of the bridal party. If she truly valued your friendship and, for whatever reason, didn’t think you would fit in with her “friendship” group she should have discussed with you and said something like, “We will be going away to spend time with the bridal party. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable because you don’t know anyone so how do you fancy you and DP coming to my parents villa with me and DP for some relaxation before the wedding?”

Instead she has set up a chat group with the rest of them to plan their get together and deliberately left you out.

No wonder you are raging 💐

[LadyEloise]

Just to clarify @sunshinewhereareyou - was she your MoH yet ?
Who asked who first to be MoH ?

Also a little odd was HER mother saying she found it odd you weren't ever invited to their home abroad.

Very strange of her not to invite you. I'd be soooo upset too.
Life is tough enough without "friends" being unkind to each other.
I too, have been let down by a friend of many years.
Basically been "Wendied".
The way i look at it is that "she can have em". They weren't very nice anyway.

[YoBeaches]

It seems as hurtful as it is she is aw she's g you a clear message. She knows you will find out and she knows it is hurtful. There's no reasonable excuse for it, though someone, probably one if the other bridesmaids will have been in on it too and helped her justify it.

You either ghost her completely or send a message to say you don't understand why you weren't invited and you can only assume her intention is to end your friendship.