AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

[cakewench]

I don’t think them being Uni friends is a good excuse. If you’re in a wedding party, it’s an excellent chance to make sure everyone is included and get to know each other.

If she wanted to just have a holiday with her uni friends, that would have been one thing, but it sounds as if this was being billed as a wedding-related activity, and excluding the MOH isn’t really acceptable.

[sunshinewhereareyou]

@PicsInRed to be honest, I think I'm MOH because I was the only one of her friends who isn't connected to her fiancé and because I was in a similar position and really love weddings. She's the same - she gets excited and buys me nice things for the wedding etc. She is usually very sweet and nice, although there's been issues niggling at me and this was the straw that broke the camels back

[wheretonow123]

I would go with the suggestion of not saying anything andwaiting for her to come back and see what she says initially and if she is still expecting you to fulfill the MOH role.

Then I would point out the issues.

Another query, is she due to be your MOH? Which wedding is first?

[2020wasShocking]

No wonder you’re miffed. To be honest, she doesn’t sound like a true best friend. No way would I take all my bridesmaids away and leave my ‘chief bridesmaid’ out. (I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t either. It’s a bizarre thing to do.

I often say this but there’s nothing ‘queerer than folk’.

I wouldn’t bother saying anything. I’d just assume you aren’t as important to her as she proclaims. Just gradually ease the friendship and say you’re probably not the best person to to be a bridesmaid. No hard feelings.

[Boulshired]

Do you do fun things together? Has she put you in a box, the best friend who is always there for her but not the friend to invite on a night out. I lost a friendship not because my friend didn’t care for me, but because I didn’t want to be the friend that picks up the pieces, the one she confided in, but ignored in the good times.

[thenightsky]

Message her quite simply - I see you've the whole bridal party away with you - did my invite get lost in the post?

This ^

[Newschapter]

Yes, I wouldn't be her MOH.

If have to call or message her saying sorry, think it's best in circumstances to step aside and leave it to someone worthy enough to be included in your holiday plans.

Then bin the relationship. She's making it clear enough you and the friendship mean nothing to her.

[SittingAround1]

If he is controlling and 100 % abusive as you say, then he'll be trying to undermine and isolate her at every point.
I'd tell her that you think her fiancé is abusive and you were hurt to have not been invited, then step down as MOH and not go to the wedding.
Your friendship probably won't survive, although I'd let her know that if she needs help getting away from her abusive partner then you'll always be there for her.

[PicsInRed]

OP, "really love weddings" plus not invited to pre wedding social events = you've not been honoured with the MOH title, you've been employed to do a job.

I would resign and withdraw.

[wildcherries]

@Merryoldgoat

The woman isn’t your friend.

When she gets back I’d just send a simple message saying you are no longer available for MOH duties and wish her a happy wedding.

Absolutely this. As PP said, she couldn't be any clearer. I'm sorry, OP. It is hurtful.

[TherapistInATabard]

I think you need to find a new MOH and tell her she does too.

[sunshinewhereareyou]

@boulshired we go for dinner and drinks, he often texts me to make sure I am the person she's meeting under so false reason to be texting. She rarely does anything with girls though always as a couple and isn't allowed to do non-couple things Friday to Sunday

[sunshinewhereareyou]

For those of you who suggest not saying anything (I'm aware I'm about to look like a mug) I don't think she'd realise for a very long time. She doesn't really message or speak to me that much, she says she's bad with her phone and usually takes a month to reply to other friends, she will reply to me within a few days but we don't just chat, it's always to share pics or for plans / weddings. She is on WhatsApp constantly as I can see from her last online so I know she does use her phone a lot and is also on Instagram a lot. This sounds petty but she has posted all the gifts other people have got them recently (for events such as birthdays or moving house) but none of mine. The fiancé didn't say thank you for the present I bought them either.

[sunshinewhereareyou]

For those of you who suggest not saying anything (I'm aware I'm about to look like a mug) I don't think she'd realise for a very long time. She doesn't really message or speak to me that much, she says she's bad with her phone and usually takes a month to reply to other friends, she will reply to me within a few days but we don't just chat, it's always to share pics or for plans / weddings. She is on WhatsApp constantly as I can see from her last online so I know she does use her phone a lot and is also on Instagram a lot. This sounds petty but she has posted all the gifts other people have got them recently (for events such as birthdays or moving house) but none of mine. The fiancé didn't say thank you for the present I bought them either.

[Cam2020]

I bet her controlling fiancé is behind it. No doubt he's realised what you think of him. That makes you someone he needs to eliminate from her life

I was thinking the same thing. The other girls might hate him too but he obviously doesn't see them as a threat as much as you are....until he pushes you out the way, then the next one will be for it. Classic controlling behaviour.

It's a shame for your friend but it won't get any better. I'd drop to minimal contact and if and when she ditches him, she'll be back, assuming she's not too ashamed by then.

[ivfdreaming]

@Boulshired

Do you do fun things together? Has she put you in a box, the best friend who is always there for her but not the friend to invite on a night out. I lost a friendship not because my friend didn’t care for me, but because I didn’t want to be the friend that picks up the pieces, the one she confided in, but ignored in the good times.

This ^

Sounds very much like a friends for reasons friends for seasons type of relationship. You fill the role of the work place best friend but you won't ever be thought of the same as the friends which date back to her younger years - school or uni etc hence why they are all on holiday with her and you aren't

Your relationship/friendship doesn't seem to extend beyond the working week? You are convenient geographically as you both worked at the same place - but did your friendship ever go beyond mon-Thursday since you said weekends was reserved for couple friendships ie the uni ones??

[wildcherries]

This sounds petty but she has posted all the gifts other people have got them recently (for events such as birthdays or moving house) but none of mine. The fiancé didn't say thank you for the present I bought them either.

Please don't waste any more time on these people. It's just another sign you aren't valued.

[RandomMess]

He sounds horrific

I would arrange to meet with her and have a conversation with her about why you weren't invited to see what she says. I would ask her straight up why her boyfriend doesn't like her.

I would withdraw from being MOH as it's clear the partner will always exclude you.

Are you able to but others other people ebooks? I would by her the Lundy book "Why does he do that"

[sunshinewhereareyou]

We don't work together anymore and our jobs meant we never saw each other in work. We met on the induction in the first week we joined (grad job) and clicked

[Stellakent]

Is it possible that they don't like your fiancé?

[Charleyhorses]

Well 2 things

1. yanbu to be very hurt
   
2. you want nothing to do with a wedding where she is marrying a controlling and abusive man. You can't stop her but don't condone it by being moh.

[VivaDixie]

Something similar happened to me last year. A friend of mine was already going on holiday with family, a mutual best friend lied to me about why she couldnt meet up with me one day and I then found out on facebook as it was because she was on holiday with them.

When they got back i messaged them and said that finding out on fb was hurtful and why didnt they just say before hand - there was no reason for them to lie.

I have to warn you OP that this was the end of the friendship as they both blocked me after that. However, I don't regret calling them out as they just thought of me as a doormat. My life is far calmer without them

Good luck - I really would recommend calmly saying that you feel hurt to have been excluded from something that was clearly a wedding party event. If she is a dick like my 'friends' were then she isnt worth it.

[Nanny0gg]

@GimmeAy

Message her quite simply - I see you've the whole bridal party away with you - did my invite get lost in the post?
See what she comes up with.

Send that.

Might as well make her squirm a bit while they're away.

Then ask her which one she's choosing for MOH as it isn't going to be you

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I can understand not being comfortable mixing friendship groups actually. It makes me feel awkward having to make sure everyone is included and getting on etc. However that's why I didn't have a hen do and had a tiny wedding abroad! She should have done the same, or told you she wanted to spend more quality time with people on a smaller scale, and done something with the groups, and you, separately. It's the not telling you that would hurt me the most. And with your comments around her not contacting you for ages and leaving you out of other things, I think she just likes your shared wedding 'hobby' and thought youd be a good fit for the role rather than asked you to be maid of honour because of how close you were. I think I'd feel extremely awkward to continue to be MoH and standing there with her in her wedding pictures knowing you're not actually close. So I'd get out of it somehow, I don't think it matters how really as after the wedding and given how she has treated you I don't think you'll be that good friends going forward