AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

You are an over explainer. I can't believe you didn't dump her months ago, now she's done it to you and you feel like shit.

Stop feeling the need to explain and justify to her. Just walk away and properly do it this time

I would send screenshots of the messages from her “friends” about her fiance

Oh strewth, just wash your hands of the whole thing and forget her as a friend.

27Womencanlift

"See this is where I would get petty. She says others are better friends. That’s when I would be replying with “Really?” and following it up with screenshots of the messages that her other friends sent you about her DP

What have you got to lose?"

Your reputation as someone who can be trusted with confidential information? Your dignity? Your mutual friends who's trust you have broken? Don't do this!

They are not her friends. They are her ‘friend’s’ friends. She will never have to see them again

You need to work on people pleasing and boundaries in my OP. She was a toxic friend and you deserve far, far better.

She is no loss to you, but I guarantee at some point she will feel the loss as you were a good friend.

*in my opinion

I don't really understand why you seem more upset about being excluded from the holiday than you are about your best friend marrying a man who you consider to be controlling and abusive.

I think I would struggle to play along with the whole thing by being MOH tbh. I'd let my friend know that I was there for her whenever she needed me, and then distance myself from the whole thing, I think.

I’d advise against doing anything. I personally wouldn’t not forward bitchy emails to an ex friend. It would prove to her that she’s right. After all you’re bitching out her fiancé (never mind that he’s not nice, neither is she).

Delete and block her on everything. Onwards and upwards.

And in future when someone mistreats you, drop them immediately. Life’s too short to stick around horrible people.

YOu know, I would put actual money on those texts being dictated, if not actually written, by her fiancé.
That would explain why you've had that visceral reaction to them, as a survivor of past abuse.

For whatever reason, her fiancé views YOU as the biggest threat to his control over this woman (I won't call her your friend, because equally this could be coming from her)

The advantage of reading all of your posts in one sitting shows the trajectory - the other girls might hate him, but he has managed to spin a line to "Melissa" so she won't take any notice of them - perhaps some old thing at Uni, who knows, maybe he's told her they're jealous or something.
You're an outlier - someone who wasn't at Uni - who still doesn't like him. You have been described as her "best friend" - even her mother knows this - and yet you're kept away from her.

So my take is that he is doing his damnedest to cut you out of her life so that she can never have anyone to help her escape. And now he's done it.

Of course I could be totally wrong and it could be her either showing her true colours now, or having been turned against you by him - but I don't think so.

Can't tell for sure though.

Yeah, I'd be furious whether it's her OH or not. Time to fuck her off IMO.

This thread is from July 2020

I would send screenshots of the messages from her “friends” about her fiance.

I would too. Although I would hide the name and number who they were from.

Regardless of whether or not her texts are Infact dictated by abusive DP, the pain this is causing you OP, you must move on from this friendship entirely, respecting yourself and without guilt. Her choices are not your burden to bare. I’m sorry but they’re not. Accept and move on. I’ve lost a friend who I believe was a soulmate, we were inseparable, we helped each other in ways that are immeasurable, but there comes a time where you can’t think and rely on a belief, that the person they’re showing you consistently ‘isn’t them’, it’s their ‘evil’ fiancé. Two girls he ‘hated’ were there, and you weren’t. She clearly has some issues within, your better off without that. It’s heartbreaking, mourn the loss, but don’t be a door mat again. Leave it at the door & lock it.

@Blueskytoday06 she posted yesterday.

Are you normally part of the social group that going to this house? If so, i then yes YANBU.

However I would wonder if its not just a friendships groups thing? So some friends i do x with, and some I do y with. Its just made all the worse in this situation cause x/y is a fancy house abroad. Presumably, the couples who go abroad with them are very close to them- hence being in the bridal party. But to them I guess the visits abroad aren't a bridal party thing, instead they are just a continuation of a long standing tradition within a friendship group.

If you are part of that group, then apologies and of course YANBU. But otherwise YABU.

So sorry you've gone through this OP. Take the high ground and move on. It may be that she is being directed to do this by her fiancé, it may be that she will escape from him later. I don't think you can do anything for her now so be kind to yourself. You deserve nice friends and a lovely MOH. Good luck

She has made it clear over and over that she's not your friend. Walk away and focus on people who are your genuine friend. She is stuck with an awful fiance and two faced friends who messaged you to bitch. She has nothing. Walk away head held high and be glad you're out of it.

One of closest friends is very close to her mates from university. Like your friend, she and her DH met at university so that friendship group is shared.

She would never invite me on their holidays- why would they? And i would never take that personally.

@sunshinewhereareyou well that train took a while to pull into the station, didn’t it?

It was always going to end like this.

You tried

You gave her every chance to be a decent human being

But she isn’t one.

I know this hurts, I’ve gone through similar with my own family, but when someone shows you who they are, listen the first time

You’ll get past this, but she’s always going to be a self absorbed twat

Don’t beat yourself up too much!

Obviously this group of friends are close and get on. Maybe they are school / uni friends. If you are a work friend you may not part of that group. At first I thought you meant she got married there. Maybe they don't like your partner of know you don't like hers.

@Blueskytoday06 so the op fancied updating on the old thread instead of linking.

I wondered why this old thread was resurrected. It is kind of OP to come back and give an update.

Really, this is about different expectations of friendships

OP is intense, highly sensitive and perhaps a little quietly opinionated. Reading her posts, it feels a bit smothering. Being upset for being thanked by a text not by an IG post as so & so got better thanks; non urgent texts not being replied to for a couple hours (or even a day) causing hurt feelings for OP

For me, It is easy to understand her ExFriend wanted to go on holiday with her old uni mates (& their partners). And it's nothing to do with OP & her DP.

It simply wasn't a 'wedding event' it just happened to be a get together around the time their wedding had been postponed from. And who cares what MIL/ Friends Mother said about how OP ought visit Country...?

Maybe OP and exfriend had a lovely friendship better in 1:1s... so what? One of my closet friends I love seeing her 1:1, I say hi to her DC, and do like her DH BUT they're not fun to hang out with for a weekend, my DCs don't particularly get on with them like they do uni friend families & DCs, because different SOHs... She's say the same herself, we're honest friends.

I had friends from different groups, family, uni, school in my bridal party . I would be very pissed off if one of them had used "But I'm in the bridal party so should be invited whoever you see any other bridal party friend..." as an excuse to insert themselves in to all my social meet ups with other friendship groups randomly over the year preceding my wedding. That's get very smothering and boring. It's not ALL about a wedding!!

Ex friend was allowed to spend time with who she wanted when she wanted. She was allowed not to reply to texts for a couple hours. And if OP was being increasingly intense, it's not surprising she took a step back to be slightly less available.

It all reads to me that OP blew up her own friendship with ExFriend, trying to butt in and being intense

Really different expectations of this friendship. I hope OP finds a friend who can be what she wants

Hi OP,
You have said you are really hurt by the loss of this “friendship”.

When have you actually physically seen this girl and had a good time together in the last two years (I’m aware lots of the last year has been Corona weird) but one of your posts says a plan to meet in 2019 wasn’t rearranged!

Have you actually seen her at all in the last 2 years? What I am getting at is I think if you take a step back you will realise that you haven’t actually lost anything breaking friends with her.

For some reason it was important to you that this girl liked you. Although I can’t see why as she doesn’t sound very nice. Is there anyone you know friendship wise that is worth more of your time - perhaps they will be more low key/ no home abroad/ no gaggle of girls dancing to their tune, but perhaps sweet and loyal and worth your time and energy - that will value you back if you value them. Leave the “mean girls” to it.