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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

430 replies

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 11:13

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

OP posts:
LoafingLiz · 20/07/2020 15:56

@MrsKingfisher

I wouldn't confront her, it'll generate lots of unnecessary drama, you'll be the horrible person and you'll feel even worse. Just walk away.

My 'best friend' got engaged after me and decided to have my wedding date, my colour theme and my dress but the year before my (planned) wedding. I politely declined her MOH invitation and have never spoken to her again.

Some people are too self absorbed to understand, do yourself a favour and get off the merry go round now.

That's a shocker. Good on you for staying cool and ending the 'friendship'.

I don't get why we try and stay friends with people who shit on us. Life's too short.

ivfdreaming · 20/07/2020 18:25

[quote sunshinewhereareyou]@footprintsintheslow I'm not sure. She's actually messaged me trying to make conversation and asking how I am.

I don't want to respond to that bit. I just feel so so awkward! [/quote]

Just confront her. These threads are really pointless where the OP goes round and round in circles debating the finer points of the problem but never actually trying to resolve it with the other person?

You're upset, she's supposed to be your friend, be honest with her. See what her reaction is?

ivfdreaming · 20/07/2020 18:25

[quote sunshinewhereareyou]@footprintsintheslow I'm not sure. She's actually messaged me trying to make conversation and asking how I am.

I don't want to respond to that bit. I just feel so so awkward! [/quote]

Just confront her. These threads are really pointless where the OP goes round and round in circles debating the finer points of the problem but never actually trying to resolve it with the other person?

You're upset, she's supposed to be your friend, be honest with her. See what her reaction is?

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2020 00:54

This is perfect. I’m pretty actually. Glad you to see you had a good time away with friends. Good luck with the wedding.
Don’t pick up if she calls and don’t reply to any responses for at least 24h. You have other things to do like pick a moh!!

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 21/07/2020 01:12

Sorry to say @sunshinewhereareyou , she doesn't sound like a friend at all and your just her back up acquaintance..I would cut ties with her tbh as all she will do is let you down and hurt you. And you sound too nice to be treated this way.. especially as they cant even send a thank you shows how self absorbed they really are and only care for themselves.

justilou1 · 21/07/2020 03:02

I think you should be blunt and let her know that you’re sick of being used and if she wants a wedding planner, you will send a bill. If she wants a friend, she can start treating you with respect.

Fairenuff · 21/07/2020 07:10

I think you will say nothing OP and just let this slide like everything else. Silently seething inside. I think you should concentrate more on yourself and why you respond like this to people. Maybe work on your self esteem and value yourself more. No matter how many people on this thread tell you you've been treated badly, you don't really believe it. For some reason you don't think you're worth it.

unchienandalusia · 21/07/2020 07:55

Just caught up with thread and sorry to say I disagree with most of the PPs. What a massive over reaction! Shock horror group of uni mates go away on holiday together!! Being someone's MOH doesn't suddenly mean you are tied into their entire friendship group!

Only thing I would be upset about would be her not telling you. But then you say you aren't in regular contact.

I would arrange to meet up in person if you want to drag this all up but personally I think you're going to come across as batshit.

youremindmeofthebabewhatbabe · 21/07/2020 09:06

I wouldn't get snarky, I would use a more dignified response. If she's posted photos on Instagram, she's not being sneaky. She's just been a little insensitive maybe. I have different groups of friends who I love but I do tend to socialise separately with them as the individual groups are large and some strong characters in each that don't gel.
I would at most say something like "your pictures were lovey, did you have a good time?" And see what that draws out. At most make a suggestion that you'd be up for going when she's next has a group hol. If she's a good friend and no issues with anything she should invite you next time. I think she's probably just had a "uni group" hol that happens to be most of the bridal party. If you aren't close friends with them as well that's prob why she didn't think to ask you.
I totally get it's made you a bit upset to be left out but I certainly wouldn't be resigning as MOH, I do think that's OTT when she prob just thought "uni friends" and didn't think to extend the invite to you (which she should have really but I wouldn't fall out over it) x

RabbityMcRabbit · 21/07/2020 12:22

I'd ghost her. As a PP said, she'll hate that. If you try to talk to her and tell her what a shit she is, she'll make out that you're possessive and unhinged.

MintyChops · 22/07/2020 00:08

Have you made contact with her OP?

Shmurf · 22/07/2020 00:37

Problem is, it's so hard to tell without knowing all the details. They don't sound like good friends but would their side of the story be different?

mrsrat · 22/07/2020 07:00

My best friend did this to me on a weekend away ........ however ...... she took me to one side before the trip and told me no one liked my partner ( now ex partner ) and that I could go on my own but not with him . I didn't go (silly )

KatherineJaneway · 22/07/2020 07:32

@sunshinewhereareyou

What have you decided to do OP?

ConiferGate · 22/07/2020 13:47

I’m wondering if the friend going out about this thread? It’s quite an identifiable set of circumstances, for anyone part of the group who went away tbh

ConiferGate · 22/07/2020 13:47

found out

KatherineJaneway · 22/07/2020 16:17

@ConiferGate

I’m wondering if the friend going out about this thread? It’s quite an identifiable set of circumstances, for anyone part of the group who went away tbh
While exceptionally awkward it would clear the air one way or another
sunshinewhereareyou · 22/07/2020 21:09

I am almost certain no one in the group would find this thread as they didn't even know about the website, have no children and I think it's a bit rare for someone without kids in their twenties to come on here.

I'm not bothered if they did, tbh.

Unfortunately I am a wimp. I ignored her messages whilst I was deciding what to say. Then she messaged again. I sent a very blunt response saying I wasn't okay but didn't say what. She then bombarded me with messages about my hen do.

I realised a lot more things. For example you have to book a weekend with them as a couple (not allowed to be on our own) months in advance for a weekend. I dutifully booked mine and that Saturday she was too hungover (genuinely was, no lies there) and never even thought of rearranging. That was actually in 2019 so I've not really seen her properly since.

I need to get the courage to say something. I've decided to say I'm upset about a few things and we need to talk in person. But she keeps messaging me random things, maybe she can tell something is up

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 22/07/2020 21:48

Wait, so you tell her you are not OK and her response is to talk about her hen do? She sounds selfish. Honestly, you sound like a nice friend, she however does not and she sounds totally high maintenance. I would just send a reply saying you are resigning at MOH, block and delete, then focus on your friends that evidently give any shits about you.

IKEA888 · 22/07/2020 21:53

I think you've had a lucky escape
sounds a nightnare .
I think you need to say you are bowing out of the MOH.
she will ask why which opens discussion.
.

footprintsintheslow · 22/07/2020 22:14

I think in person is the adult way to go forward.

ConiferGate · 22/07/2020 22:43

You’re not a wimp, you’re kind and thoughtful and maybe a bit sensitive. I think you’re doing the right thing talking in person.

sunshinewhereareyou · 22/07/2020 22:55

I mentioned about being upset, but I played it down. I said it was that she didn't come for a socially distanced bbq for my birthday (all within guidelines) using corona as an excuse but then went on this holiday to Country.

She excused it all but apologised. That was it. The excuses are awful and highlight how poor of a friend she is.

I think I will bow out

OP posts:
Zucker · 22/07/2020 23:17

She can feel that you're pulling away so she's upping the ante to keep you in your job. She's not a friend.

scatteredglitter · 22/07/2020 23:39

Don't be a martyr
Just loose the dead weight of fake friends and get out there and make some more real ones !

I know it s not always easy but the first step is take it the first step.

Resign gracefully from her hen do and wedding festivities, don't create more drama and strop but answer honestly if you can.

Enjoy the freedom of not second guessing or wondering why you are left out.

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