Page 15 | AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

sunshinewhereareyou · 2020-07-13T10:13:11+00:00

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend). Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling). She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group'). I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

combatbarbie · 22/07/2020 23:57

I have read this whole thread silently fuming for you and now at you.... She has taken you for a fool because she knows your character. You seriously need to find your inner bitch and be bluntly honest with her. She's not a friend and I'm struggling to see why you are are desperate for this friendship......

ClarabelleClanger · 23/07/2020 00:00

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timeisnotaline · 23/07/2020 00:00

So now out. Don’t be a doormat to this user.

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2020 00:00

Do bow out! Is what I meant

WingingItSince1973 · 23/07/2020 00:29

Just stayed up past midnight to read this thread from the start and still no idea. Actually I feel for you OP having been in similar circumstances (different reasons). I would say as a much older and wiser person to pull away and carry on with your life. Build up your self esteem and value yourself more than she is doing. You don't need those sort of 'friends' in your life. Honestly when I look back at myself in my 20s and the lengths I went to to keep certain friendship going I even judge myself! You don't need a MOH (maid of honour). You don't even need bridesmaids although it is nice i suppose. All this mad hen do etc etc arranging does my head in. Go get wed and enjoy your life without false friends xxxxx

GlamGiraffe · 23/07/2020 04:26

I really feel for you @sunshinewhereareyou.
I do think that she has selfishly given you the role of "convenient friend with a job" rather than "real friend" the type that goes through everything.

She is something of an emotional vampire. She only wants things from you., be it an ear to moan to, jobs done, someone to pass time with, not a fun friend for the good times when all is going well. I've known these people all too well you give them all your effort, put do much in and they never really give back, they are vampires just wanting and needing. They know lots of people, have lots of friends but you are the one they NEED from, who gives to them emotionally or physically. From experience you will either be driven to distraction and despair or your relationship will end in combustion.
Please leave while you can with less harm. Whichever way it happens it will just to be bad as you are always going to be left feeling so short changed, however this way you can minimise extra hurt. The thing is you are a genuinely giving person, she isnt, not in reality (you have clearly shown this with your examples of simple gestures of time and effort). She will now be going into panic mode, why arent you responding darn she NEEDS you, she wants answers now, she has had her fun, she has no one else reliable to ask.

Be busy? Dont be there, be with your other friends, text back saying cant talk having lunch with friends? Out fir drinks with new people. Off out to new activity. anything. just BUSY. Dont reply to texts then drop a one liner saying been so busy, not had a moment will try to catch up when I have time. She will persist. Be firm. Shell ge nice, like an abusive partner, for it is a firm of abuse, then shell wither as she really isnt a friend. A real friend would be on your step in concern about you and your relationship, not what they need doing. I know how hard it is to hive up when you have invested so much, but it really us fairest to yourself. From experience!

vikingwife · 23/07/2020 04:40

Actually from your recent replies you sound quite passive aggressive & self righteous. You allude to something being wrong but won’t be upfront & tell her. She had sent you a number of texts asking what’s wrong, but you’re leaving her hanging. It sounds like you’re enjoying dragging out her confusion.

You’ve managed to speak your mind on this thread & have received lots of helpful advice or suggestions of what to write, but say you’re struggling to write a text advising her about your hurt feelings.

If you are angling to have this conversation face to face but feel you’re unable to send a text, am confused as to what you hope to achieve by a face to face discussion? It sounds like you want her to grovel & new in person, hug it out & have her be emotionally indebted to you.

Perhaps the friend didn’t tell you she wanted to go away with her group because neither of you are good at communicating their feelings & thoughts?

It sounds like you still want to be the maid of honour & have her at yours, but you want her to be sorry for excluding you. I still don’t think you’re going about that in the right way. To leave her hanging is to drag out the drama. So on some level it sounds like you’re enjoying this & want her to suffer. Telling someone you’re not ok & we need to talk sounds ominous & serious. You intend for her to know how seriously she has wronged you.

Something I can’t put my finger on but now feel there is more to the story & don’t feel the way the OP seems to enjoy dragging this out speaks to her level of maturity. It makes me feel like there must be a reason why this friend either left her out of this group holiday or was unable to tell her that she wasn’t invited, due to the OP’s passive aggressive nature.

KatherineJaneway · 23/07/2020 07:38

I think I will bow out

Good plan

Stellakent · 23/07/2020 07:53

I tend to agree with vikingwife. You seem needy and I wonder if she knew how you would react if she'd told you about the trip. If this friendship is making you anxious and unhappy then I think you are right to bow out. It seems like it's a work friendship that hasn't stood the test of time now you no longer work together, and that's entirely normal. Don't waste your emotional energy on her.

Original poster

sunshinewhereareyou · 23/07/2020 19:27

@combatbarbie help me find my inner bitch!

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 23/07/2020 19:28

If you can't address the issue how about
"Df, recent events how made he think about our friendship, it's become apparent that we're not as close as we were so I think we should leave things as they are. Best wishes for your wedding and the future."

combatbarbie · 23/07/2020 21:13

Lol there's a great self help book called exactly that! You basically just tell her what you've said here (and pick some quotes from other posters) text is easier, you'll get flustered trying to do it face to face.

QueenArseClangers · 23/07/2020 21:51

@ClarabelleClanger

Well why the fuck bother to comment on a thread you haven’t read or bothered to discover what, a fairly common, abbreviation is?

Off you trot.

KatherineJaneway · 24/07/2020 06:00

I couldn't be arsed to read your thread.

Yet you took the time to post

madbirdlady22 · 25/07/2020 10:54

I am really shocked this is still going on! I have been on holiday and back, and still this problem is lingering.

I too believe you hope she will 'make it up to you' so can hold onto the friendship, and this is why you are in the position you find yourself in today. Your friendship standards are too low, your self esteem does not sound great and she is taking full advantage of both.

You were given great advice on this thread, but you are dragging this out in a painful and damaging way.

You either accept her as she is, and be prepared to be hurt again, or you call time in the friendship and retain your dignity.

Ishihtzuknot · 25/07/2020 12:24

She’s not a friend, don’t waste your time or feelings on this person. Pull out of your MOH duties and don’t engage any further. It will all end in tears, so it’s best to let go gracefully. Sorry she’s done this to you.

Itisbetter · 25/07/2020 12:47

You don’t need to find your inner bitch you just need to excuse yourself from being MOH and block her. No drama and you are free.

MintyChops · 25/07/2020 16:34

OP if you haven’t seen her since 2019 and have to arrange to see them as a couple, then there is no point waiting to speak about this face to face. You could ring her and talk to her, or send her one of the many excellent suggested texts from this thread. For your own self respect, don’t just suck it up. It will prove corrosive in the end (I speak from experience).

thisgirlrides · 25/07/2020 17:50

This friendship has clearly ended so you've nothing to lose by putting your big girl pants on and calling her out on her shitty behaviour. A polite but factual " I'm hurt you took the rest of the wedding party away and not only included me, you then told me it was just you & your DH. What am I suppose to think? If you no longer wanted me to be MOH I wish you'd have just told me'

Sweeptheleg · 25/07/2020 20:20

Have you resolved this? I need to know!

ConiferGate · 25/07/2020 23:32

@sunshinewhereareyou how are you feeling, have you met up?

Original poster

sunshinewhereareyou · 10/03/2021 23:00

Hello all, I thought I'd return with an update! This is long...

So I of course ignored all the clever advice and buried my head in the sand. I continued to dutifully organise her hen and be there for her. It got progressively worse. Less contact, not answering my messages - then when I found my wedding dress she ignored my calls, came onto whatsapp, ignored those messages, responded hours later...she simply didn't care.

Then a big thing happened to me which meant I was in some local press, this got back to her and her fiancé and they lapped it up. Suddenly so interested in me.

Once that died down, I tried calling her one day, she answered, said she'd call at the weekend. She never called.

I finally got some balls and started laying the ground to break the friendship. I explained how hurt I was. She didn't care, made excuses. Told me she won't change (verbatim). She will "respond if and when she feels like it". She also denied not putting effort into my life or wedding (weddings are great and all, but I care more about day to day life, happiness, wellbeing etc).

She sent me a text a few days ago, saccharine sweet - so fake. It was to dump me as MOH and say I should too. This was following a slight battle with her fiancé on social media (instigated by him to my posts about a personal struggle with racism) because he said some very unnecessary things regarding race.
I didn't take it bowing down. I agreed with her, but felt the need to explain that I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I explained that my wedding is limited purely to bridal party, groomsmen, and family. She then uninvited me from her wedding despite giving me the official invite that morning. She then denied it that the invite had ever been given (I have it in writing...) and that I'd misunderstood.

I called her out on demoting me so far and so easily despite saying how good a friend I was. She eventually said my message proved her point, that other people were better friends etc.

I'm ultimately very hurt, more hurt than I expected to be. I have been a mug throughout this. The worst part is the bridesmaids had all messaged me throughout the past year saying how much they hate her fiancé and how controlling/abusive he is. But they're sweet to her face so that's that. A part of me feels guilty that her friends standing up with her have such a two-faced view.

I suppose karma will come. It's hard to feel sorry for her / her relationship when she has acted so poorly. I actually feel really gaslighted and as a previous victim of abuse (DV and EA) when I was younger, which she knows, the way she wrote her messages was weirdly triggering which I never expected.

Hopefully I'll move on in time. Thanks for listening!

OP posts:

Snowball70 · 10/03/2021 23:14

@sunshinewhereareyou