Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

430 replies

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 11:13

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 20/07/2020 08:36

@ConiferGate,

Personally I'd say something like:

"Forgive me, I can't be your MoH. I'm not going to attend your wedding. I don't expect you to attend mine.

All the very best for your future. I hope you understand.

Jo"

ConstanceSalinger · 20/07/2020 08:45

I think you are just cross with yourself at ending up where you are right now, and for not seeing it sooner.

Don't take that out on your ex friend. She doesn't owe you a free holiday or an explanation or anything. She sounds awful, unreliable and snobby but you're also judging her life choices here too.

If you send a salty message expecting to make her feel shit about it she's going to think "phew - bullet dodged there".

You really need to build up your own self confidence and getting into an argument about a holiday you weren't invited to will not help that.

She was obviously very much a "friend for the right time" - not a keeper.

Step back with some self respect intact and let the other friends wonder if they'll be the next victim.

LadyEloise · 20/07/2020 08:52

Something I learnt on Mumsnet - When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

You've seen her for what she is.
A polite note and walk away with your head held high.
Friends don't do what she did.

sunshinewhereareyou · 20/07/2020 09:38

@footprintsintheslow I'm not sure. She's actually messaged me trying to make conversation and asking how I am.

I don't want to respond to that bit. I just feel so so awkward!

OP posts:
Stellakent · 20/07/2020 10:05

I would just reply saying. 'All good with me thanks. Saw from Facebook that you were away on hols. Surprised you hadn't mentioned you were going?'.

Put the ball in her court to reply. I do wonder if you're what she thinks of as a 'work friend' and the others as 'uni friends'. I feel you are more invested in the friendship than she is.

TheChiefJo · 20/07/2020 10:19

On the edge of my seat now! 👀

k1233 · 20/07/2020 10:21

I'd reply "just getting over no longer being in your wedding"

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 20/07/2020 10:30

I suppose in response to how are you, the answer would be 'hurt from being excluded from the bridal party trip'.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 20/07/2020 10:42

Be pleasant. Ask her if she has been up to anything lately.... See if she intends to actually lie to you...

SparklingLime · 20/07/2020 10:46

The message that @ConiferGate suggested is good - straightforward and not needy. But I’m afraid you’re still looking for something from this ‘friend’ (something that as so many have explained, you are not going to get) and so will be reluctant to send it.

I’ve been in unequal friendships like this, Sunshine, and however long you hold out for what you thought it was or could be, it won’t turn out well as she has already shown repeatedly how little she truly values you. Let it go and move on. Don’t let your understandably bruised ego stop you from seeing the reality of this relationship.

Yankathebear · 20/07/2020 10:58

I wouldn’t be replying at all. You don’t need someone like this in your life.

Pinkyyy · 20/07/2020 11:09

God she's cheeky, acting like nothing happened. You need to tell her how you feel.

Itisbetter · 20/07/2020 11:27

I’ve been in unequal friendships like this, Sunshine, and however long you hold out for what you thought it was or could be, it won’t turn out well as she has already shown repeatedly how little she truly values you. Let it go and move on. Don’t let your understandably bruised ego stop you from seeing the reality of this relationship.

This is very true. Break it off. Lean hard on your other friends and enjoy them. Make new friends. This one is not who you need.

MrsKingfisher · 20/07/2020 11:32

I wouldn't confront her, it'll generate lots of unnecessary drama, you'll be the horrible person and you'll feel even worse. Just walk away.

My 'best friend' got engaged after me and decided to have my wedding date, my colour theme and my dress but the year before my (planned) wedding. I politely declined her MOH invitation and have never spoken to her again.

Some people are too self absorbed to understand, do yourself a favour and get off the merry go round now.

gamerchick · 20/07/2020 11:48

Is she not just the type of person that has her friends in pigeon holes and doesn't mix them naturally?

I think I would also ask her if she's been up to anything interesting recently and see what she says. It might make things settle easier in your headbwhatever answer she gives you.

RandomMess · 20/07/2020 12:03

You could just reply "I'm hurt that you weren't honest with me about you going away on holiday with your uni friends, you made it it was just you and DF on many occasions why did you need to lie by omission?"

MzHz · 20/07/2020 12:15

[quote sunshinewhereareyou]@footprintsintheslow I'm not sure. She's actually messaged me trying to make conversation and asking how I am.

I don't want to respond to that bit. I just feel so so awkward! [/quote]
She’s fishing

She wants to know if she’s rumbled

I’d not bother to reply from this point further

Although I realise that’s not very MN friendly!

Rise above this woman, leave her where she is and with whatever games she’s playing.

Lillygolightly · 20/07/2020 12:15

Ooh this is a tough one, I too wound want to let her know that I’m hurt but also wouldn’t want to seem needy either, nor would I be interested in having a big confrontation. I also think that the text you send be final rather than open ended or expecting reply. You don’t want to send a message that requires a reply and put her in the position of being able to respond by not responding.

I think I would send something like:

A bit hurt actually. Glad you to see you had a good time way with friends. Good luck with the wedding.

You’ve not actually said you’ve resigned from MOH duties but if I received that text I would very much assume that was the case. She knows your hurt and she knows why, but you’ve also said your glad she’s had a good time and that you wish her well with the wedding. Whether she replies to this or not should be of no matter, because you’ve not asked for one. Of course you have every reason to be upset if she doesn’t, but she doesn’t get to automatically assume that.

Lillygolightly · 20/07/2020 12:19

Sorry bloody phone, that should read....

A bit hurt actually. Glad you to see you had a good time away with friends. Good luck with the wedding.

Shefliesonherownwings · 20/07/2020 12:51

This is your opportunity to respond and tell her how you feel. I don't agree with the whole nicey nicey, after everything we've shared stuff. I'd be very honest but clear and say you were hurt to see she'd gone away with the bridal party and not invited you and ask her why she didn't tell you and actually lied about it. Don't be too emotional, but be very clear that this is not OK. Be prepared though that she might not reply so you could always suggest meeting up for a coffee and then explain it to her.

J2Squared · 20/07/2020 12:52

She clearly knows you would see the pictures so it’s really cruel of her to not let you know!

The response from Lillygolightly sounds perfect. Short and to the point.

footprintsintheslow · 20/07/2020 13:34

OP I would suggest a coffee outside somewhere neutral and have a normal conversation with her.
See what her reaction is. Be brave.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 20/07/2020 13:43

She’s been deceitful, not a good friend and certainly not MOH material. I might go for a passive aggressive approach and reply to her message with..
“How do you think I am?”
And if/when she replies with “I don’t know what you mean”
Say “Don’t you?”
This may tease something out - maybe a confession.

ChikiTIKI · 20/07/2020 14:41

I pwuld reply to her message simply with "?"

Or.... Now the money side is sorted. Just disappear.....

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 20/07/2020 15:46

Just be factual abd straight to the point.

I was a bit hurt to find that you had went on holiday with the rest of the bridal party without mentioning it to me. Between that, us drifting a bit and you not trying to get to know my partner I think its best I step down as MOH and let you pick someone that's closer to you both. No hard feelings and I wish you both the best of luck.

Then just leave it at that. There's no salvaging a one sided friendship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread