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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see where this dad is coming from? RE little boy wearing make up

144 replies

Earlyrisers0 · 13/07/2020 08:39

It's on a parenting group on Facebook. I'm happy to post it to squash any concerns that I'm trolling, but I will have to blur out the boys face for obvious reasons.

A mum has made a post showing a heated exchange with her ex. Their 9 year old son went to his dad's wearing make up and nail varnish and the dad told him to remove it all. Not that it makes much of a difference but the make up wasn't applied properly, think red lipstick smeared around his mouth and chin and what looks like black eyeshadow smudged around his eyebrows.

The mum also attatched to the post a handful of pictures of their son wearing dresses, pink pyjamas with pink dummys in his mouth and my littly pony onesies.

The mum said if her ex continued to tell him he can't express himself then he'll grow to hate his dad. The dad said she shouldn't be imposing her values and beliefs onto him and he will parent his child how he sees fit when he has him. The dad clearly thinks the boy is far too young to be experimenting with gender identity and I have to say I agree with him.

I'm clearly old fashioned but am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
HappyPunky · 13/07/2020 08:42

Either sex child with red lipstick, filled in eyebrows and a dummy is a bit iffy. Child drag springs to mind

Nail polish and pink on either sex child is fine.

Shoxfordian · 13/07/2020 08:44

He isn't experimenting with gender, he's playing dress up

Yabu

Tadpolesandfroglets · 13/07/2020 08:44

Maybe he’s just playing ‘dress up’ and it means nothing? In what way is mother imposing her views on him? Just wondering....

Soubriquet · 13/07/2020 08:45

Why on Earth is a 9 year old having dummies anyway?

A small amount of make up on boys or girls is fine

It’s when you get them, usually boys saying they are girls, with huge thick drag queen styled make up is when I object

Doyoumind · 13/07/2020 08:46

I personally don't think any 9yo should be wearing make up or using a dummy regardless of their sex.

Love51 · 13/07/2020 08:46

They both need to drop the rope on this one. The child will be damaged by his parents arguing about him. Make up wipes off much more easily than emotional scars.

Di11y · 13/07/2020 08:47

If he'd badly painted himself to look like a clown or batman or whatever id want to clean it off. How he has his hair or clothes as long as they are seasonally appropriate is how to express himself.

Original poster
Earlyrisers0 · 13/07/2020 08:47

By imposing her views onto the son I assume he means she's encouraging him to be feminine.

Given the text exchange it's clear there's a big back story and this is a big issue between the parents.

OP posts:
CurtainWitcher · 13/07/2020 08:47

Dummy for a 9 year old?

AlwaysCheddar · 13/07/2020 08:47

9 year old don’t play dress up!!

Soubriquet · 13/07/2020 08:48

@Doyoumind

I personally don't think any 9yo should be wearing make up or using a dummy regardless of their sex.
To me, makeup is like face paint

It’s ok on occasions but you wouldn’t wear face paint every day, so a child doesn’t need to wear make up every day.

My dd has worn make up since she was 4, but that was only because she was in ballet shows and it’s encouraged for 3 days a year during the big show.

Apart from that, she never wears make up

Original poster
Earlyrisers0 · 13/07/2020 08:49

If he'd badly painted himself to look like a clown or batman or whatever id want to clean it off

Unfortunately this is pretty much how it looked.

Coupled with his hair tied into a straight pony tail sticking up at the front of his hair.

It looked awful.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 13/07/2020 08:49

Whatever is going on it sounds very undignified being dragged out all over facebook. Poor kid.
That seems potentially more damaging than anything else.

HasaDigaEebowai · 13/07/2020 08:49

9 year old don’t play dress up!!

Confused - of course some do. I think it very much depends on the child.

HasaDigaEebowai · 13/07/2020 08:50

It sounds like the mother has the issues

Tadpolesandfroglets · 13/07/2020 08:51

My 9 year old still has an extensive dressing up box!

Soubriquet · 13/07/2020 08:52

I think a good rule of thumb is,

“If I won’t let a little girl wear it, why can a boy a wear it”

liaun · 13/07/2020 08:53

Wearing make up is nothing to do with gender identity!

contrmary · 13/07/2020 08:53

YANBU, the mother shouldn't be coaching her child to be a particular way with regard to gender. It sounds like the father is right to call her out, the child should choose it's own path when the time is right.

Louise0701 · 13/07/2020 08:55

YANBU OP

Hazelnutlatteplease · 13/07/2020 08:58

At 9 my DD would have had make up and nail polish removed as a matter of priority if she'd come home from the other parent with it on. She wouldn't have had it at home

totalitarian · 13/07/2020 08:58

The child wearing dressing up clothes/pink etc doesn't bother me.

What sticks out as very wrong-

  1. Dummy? Wtf? At age 9. The damage that will do to his teeth
  2. Make up on a 9 year old. Surely can't be good for their skin
  3. Why is this plastered all over FB.? Poor wee soul
laudete · 13/07/2020 08:59

It sounds like the parents love to argue. The child plays dress-up with his mom's makeup and is a Brony. He may outgrow both interests soon enough. The child is old for a dummy/soother, though. Hopefully, he's just playing with an old one.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 13/07/2020 09:00

Firstly, he's nine. He doesn't have a "gender identity". He's too old for a dummy and too young for makeup regardless of sex.

Having said that, I would be far more concerned about this in the current climate than I would have been say ten years ago. Today you will get: "oh he's cleanly trans" etc. Whereas in the past this would have been seen as what it is. A kid playing dress up.
Maybe he'll be a feminine guy when he gets older, maybe not. Maybe he'll be gay - or not it's irrelevant at the moment anyway.
But if dad is switched on to what's currently going on in schools etc. I can see why he's concerned. The sad thing is, he shouldn't have to be.

goose1964 · 13/07/2020 09:02

Did he do it himself or did he do it after encouragement. My grandson has long hair and wears dresses if he wants to. He also wears jeans t-shirts and is into sharks. Funnily enough he doesn't get bullied in school, in fact the opposite.

We're all supportive of him, and to be honest the dress wearing is now more fancy dress. No one is bothered if he might be gay.