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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see where this dad is coming from? RE little boy wearing make up

144 replies

Earlyrisers0 · 13/07/2020 08:39

It's on a parenting group on Facebook. I'm happy to post it to squash any concerns that I'm trolling, but I will have to blur out the boys face for obvious reasons.

A mum has made a post showing a heated exchange with her ex. Their 9 year old son went to his dad's wearing make up and nail varnish and the dad told him to remove it all. Not that it makes much of a difference but the make up wasn't applied properly, think red lipstick smeared around his mouth and chin and what looks like black eyeshadow smudged around his eyebrows.

The mum also attatched to the post a handful of pictures of their son wearing dresses, pink pyjamas with pink dummys in his mouth and my littly pony onesies.

The mum said if her ex continued to tell him he can't express himself then he'll grow to hate his dad. The dad said she shouldn't be imposing her values and beliefs onto him and he will parent his child how he sees fit when he has him. The dad clearly thinks the boy is far too young to be experimenting with gender identity and I have to say I agree with him.

I'm clearly old fashioned but am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 13/07/2020 11:08

I don’t get the comment re private mum’s group. The op says it’s a parenting group on FB, could be large in number. And FB doesn’t discourage randoms to re-share as op has - say, in the way a private text or even small WhatsApp group would discourage it.

It is being plastered on FB as far as I can tell

JRUIN · 13/07/2020 11:10

What's a 9yr old doing with a dummy?

NessNessHealy · 13/07/2020 11:12

I completely disagree! How dare he wear makeup??? Disgusting!! Xx

Viviennemary · 13/07/2020 11:15

Totally inappropriate and a safeguarding concern. This needs to be reported to Social Services.
Nee

CeibaTree · 13/07/2020 11:16

I don't really see a problem with the kid wanting to play dress-up, but seems like your friend was deliberately trying to wind her ex up if she know he is not keen - when my kids go anywhere, I make sure they are reasonably presented - would your friend send the child to school/a play-date with smeared make-up? I think probably not.

NotShiny · 13/07/2020 11:18

"08:47AlwaysCheddar

9 year old don’t play dress up!!"
Yes, some do, if they want to and are allowed to. Some kids still play with dolls at 11. They are all different. Personally I'm reading that the Mum is pushing this, to be ultra trendy, and she should leave the child and the Dad alone.

LolaSmiles · 13/07/2020 11:19

Children of both sexes play dress up and always have. Unfortunately there's a growing agenda that is pushing the idea that a child playing dress up is playing dress up, unless dressing up involves opposite gender stereotypes, in which case the child must be the opposite sex.

When I was a child we had a range of interests across boys and girls, the Argos catalogue was largely 'toys' not 'pink and blue' and nobody batted an eyelid if a boy played princesses or a girl wore boys' fleeces. Playing with makeup during make believe play was fine. I'm not sure the response in 2020 would be the same.

The dad could be a knuckle dragging 'make up and dolls will turn my lad gay' type, or he could be a dad concerned that his ex appears to be loving the attention that she gets from sharing 'look at my boy doing girly things'.

BogRollBOGOF · 13/07/2020 11:22

What a 9 yo does in the privacy of their own home is their business.

The mum is politicising it by opening it up to a broader audience, and that can have an effect on the child's dignity, especially with "babyish" elements such as the dummy, and possibly being on the older end of MLP.

totalpondlife · 13/07/2020 11:22

Why on earth is the mother posting photos of her son like that on what seems to be a fairly public site! For that alone I am dubious of her. He may like to do that at home, doesn't mean he wants all his peers at school to see it, or to risk a national newspaper to pick up the story for filler!

This is a private dispute between her and the child's father. They either need to reach an agreement or agree to disagree and accept that each have different rules when the kid is in each others' houses.
Ramping up their righteous rage on social media, and publishing private photos of their son is just not on.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 13/07/2020 11:24

9 year old don’t play dress up!!

IME they do.

The dummy at 9 is really odd.

I'm not sure why the Mum is posting this all over facebook though - this sounds like a parenting disagreement that needs sorting out between the adults rather than involvling all and sundry in it.

sashh · 13/07/2020 11:27

No child should be wearing make up, their skin is beautiful and make up cannot be good for it.

The nail varnish I wouldn't care.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 13/07/2020 11:28

@AlwaysCheddar

9 year old don’t play dress up!!
My 8 year old soon to be 9 year old daughter still loves her princess dress up costumes. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm 27 and to be honest. If I could get away with dress up in society, I think I would Grin

Greenfingeredsue · 13/07/2020 11:32

Maybe 9 is a bit too young but Robert Smith makes himself up in a similar style and has done since he was at school. He was wearing dresses at 14. He has been with his wife since they met at school and she doesn’t have a problem with it. He’s also very good at what he does.

jessstan2 · 13/07/2020 11:38

Nine year old children of either sex generally don't wear make up unless they are messing about or in a school play.

Honestly! The woman is bonkers.

Sparklesocks · 13/07/2020 11:38

He sounds like he’s having fun and messing about rather than ‘exploring gender identity’. He’s a child, I don’t know why it needs to be ascribed some deeper meaning. He shouldn’t have dummies still though.
Also with kindness, he’s not your child so it’s not really your business.

BiBabbles · 13/07/2020 11:53

Why is the mother posting what seems like private family photos and her text fights with the dad? It's quite possible to get advice without sharing photos that could be embarrassing him if his friends or their parents' saw them. The dummy makes no sense, no matter what was going on the '90s (it certainly wasn't where I was).

Obviously don't have any context, but it doesn't read to me that it's "obviously" about gender expression (wtf does a dummy have to do with that?). It could easily be like many that he doesn't think kids should go out in makeup at that age, doesn't think kids should go out looking a mess, or any other number of reasons. For me, the nail varnish wouldn't even raise an eyebrow, but I wouldn't let any of my kids go out looking like that kid sounds and none of my kids at that age have makeup beyond nail varnish and chap stick until they can buy their own. If I had an ex who was happy to buy more makeup for kids that age, I'd want the kids to wash up and entertain themselves differently while at my house just like I do when my kids come home from friends with makeup on - they can take photos and then they're washing up.

It doesn't seem worth the fight to send a kid over there like that with other options - and more about her pissing him off than the kids' wellbeing - but I'd only fight about it if they wanted something like to bleach the kids hair or something lasting, for kids of either sex, or if the makeup was causing a health issue (my younger daughter gets eczema around her mouth badly, certain products make that worse so I'd be annoyed if another adult wasn't considering that).

IntermittentParps · 13/07/2020 12:06

He's playing dress-up. Get over it.

FianceDog · 13/07/2020 12:10

No child that age should be wearing make up

Dummies at 9 is also bizarre.

Poor child.

Viviennemary · 13/07/2020 12:13

He is not just playing at dress up. The mother is taking photographs of this and plastering it all over social media. Not right. Red flag at 9 year old with a dummy in a photograph.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/07/2020 12:23

@Soubriquet

I think a good rule of thumb is,

“If I won’t let a little girl wear it, why can a boy a wear it”

This. No way would I send my 9 yo out like this. If they'd been playing dress up or make up tutorials they'd have been made to wash before going out. Mom I'd clearly making a point / trying to rule Dad so she's at fault.

On the other hand, there's no issue with a 9 yo wearing a mlp onsies etc.

Dummy at 9 without sn is just weird

Lovemusic33 · 13/07/2020 12:42

Poor child, sounds like the mothers using him to make a point about her views. Yes it’s fine for kids to dress up or out in make up/face paint at home but obviously his dad didn’t want to be taking him out looking a mess wether it was make up or bad face paints. The mothers making into a gender issue and flaunting her son dressed in girls clothes on the internet, sounds dangerous to me, the child will end being really confused and messed up.

Jaxhog · 13/07/2020 12:43

Did he do it himself or did he do it after encouragement.

This is the fundamental question. Especially the onesie and dummy, as this sounds like infantilizing. The poorly applied makeup depends on why he's doing it. Is it to be like mum? A clown? or because he wants to wear it? Whatever it is, his mum should encourage him to apply it properly.

The dress and nail varnish is probably either experimentation i.e. dressing up, or wanting to be like his mum. I have a nephew who worships his big sis, to the extent that he used to like wearing a dress, makeup, and nail varnish so he could be like her. He grew out of it after a year or two, although his mum neither encouraged nor discouraged it.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/07/2020 12:43

"2. Make up on a 9 year old. Surely can't be good for their skin"

Why?

Louiselouie0890 · 13/07/2020 12:58

I think they both need to get a grip and learn how to parent together nine of this when he's in my care nonsense

totalpondlife · 13/07/2020 13:08

the mothers making into a gender issue

Yes, that is the odd bit. If she really did say, ' you have to let him express himself', well, assuming the child is instigating the play, it is just play and how he is learning about the world, 'expressing identity' is a very adult concept, and in particular, a concept that is part of an adult creation of 'gender identity'. Just let the kid play at home, free of your adult framework on his play, and free of being used a point scoring against his dad on bloody social media.