Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

@PferdeMerde

Why are older parents so smug? Having money and a “relaxed and stable” home doesn’t mean you’re automatically great at parenting.

Why are parents who managed to get pregnant in their 20s and 30s so smug. Being fertile and young doesn’t mean you’re automatically great at parenting.

Why are parents who managed to get pregnant in their 20s and 30s so smug. Being fertile and young doesn’t mean you’re automatically great at parenting.

This is true and both groups can be smug. However each group makes a trade off (except 30s maybe which seems ideal)

It's a given that fertility declines with age. Waiting to be ready means this is more likely to happen.

Everyone do what they want, someone will side-eye you either way

@Xiaoxiong

Oh god - zombie thread you'd think I would have figured this out after over a decade on MN

Me too, slapped myself with a wet fish I did . Metaphorically speaking .

Agree she is 45 now totally reasonable, and why shouldnt she go for it. If thats what she wants. I know a lady of 52 who did and had no trouble whatsover. It depends on the individual themselves, their fitness and energy levels.

@spittycup

Exactly this. A parent can die at any age and there’s no guarantee they’ll be around until adult ‘child’ is 50 regardless of what age you have them

Chances of illness and death certainly don't decrease with age

Of course not but having a child at 46 would mean they were only 65 when the ‘child’ is an adult and can therefore look after themselves.....!

Where do you draw the line? Should people that have any known health issues stop having babies? After all, if the reason people think 46 is too old because of the possible health risks as they get older m, why does the same not apply to those that are younger but have known health risks?

There would be uproar that’s why! If people suggested those that are overweight for example should avoid getting pregnant there would be carnage, but it’s perfectly acceptable to be ageist

@MaryMow22

That ship has sailed .. she should look into other ways to make herself feel complete.

I think so too. Nobody has a right to have a child, a child is a blessing, a precious gift in a way. However planning to have one at all costs seems selfish to me, regardless of how well off or fit and healthy a person is. It's all about 'wants'.

Nevertheless I realise this is a delicate subject for some people so won't say any more.

Of course, if the woman in question does become pregnant and have a child, I wish them both well.

@lap90

I don't think late 40s are the norm for grandparent age these days.

The Office for National Statistics say the average age to become a grandparent in the UK is 63.

Exactly. It’s more of a ‘class’ issue I would say. Generally those who are grandparents at 40 are from low income families and from more deprived areas etc...

your far less likely to get couples in professional careers etc becoming grandparents at 40.

I don’t like the class system really but working class/middle class would be the older definitions.

I think the limit is when you are no longer able to use your own eggs

This is an interesting comment because most women 45 and over are advised to use donor eggs. Raises all kinds of moral and ethical questions really about how far baby making science should be taken surely?

The yearning for a child can be so powerful. That older mother will find in herself reviewed powers to take care of her child, and sacrifice everything she has for the child. Also, older age usually comes with more wisdom, and sometimes more financial security. That can open education possibilities for the child that could not perhaps be opened to younger parents, at the beginning of their own careers. One humble vote for the older mothers❤️

I think when people are comparing the different age groups they know they should also look at the responsibilities they have. If you're 65 retired with no dependants then I'm not surprised you can go out on hiking holidays versus a 30-year-old with children and a demanding job who spends their breaks lying on the sofa.

*Sir Keir Starmer is 57 and has children aged 10 and 8 - is he selfish?

What about George Clooney having twins at 56?*

These are men, and presumably didn't have to endure pregnancy, childbirth and a sleep deprived maternity period (yes, women do the main part of baby care).

From the point of view of the health of the offspring, old dads are not ideal either, but maternal age is a much larger risk factor.

I'm as feminist as you like, but don't deny nature, which does discriminate. Women are not designed to bear children this old, and the risks to the baby are all too real.

I knew the snobs would rise up. Always happens,

Not in my circles dahhhling etc

Assume if you were under 40 you're obviously an uneducated chav - so silly.

*These are men, and presumably didn't have to endure pregnancy, childbirth and a sleep deprived maternity period (yes, women do the main part of baby care).

From the point of view of the health of the offspring, old dads are not ideal either, but maternal age is a much larger risk factor.*

The risk of ASD and ADHD increase with age of sperm.

Oh and you can't possibly have travelled ... or .. are you ready for this? Even brought them with you .

@KarensChoppyBob

I knew the snobs would rise up. Always happens,

Not in my circles dahhhling etc

Assume if you were under 40 you're obviously an uneducated chav - so silly.

None of my family went to uni. But we aren't from a low income family either. I'm glad I didn't go to uni and had my kids young. I'm 30 now and need another 5 joints replaced after already having my hip done. I wouldn't have been able to have kids now if I'd have waited

@KarensChoppyBob

Oh and you can't possibly have travelled ... or .. are you ready for this? Even brought them with you .

I am the child of young Indian parents: the only trips we ever did in childhood were to India and weren’t holidays. We were there to help other family members. Most of these trips I don’t even remember what happened outside of the kitchen as I was made to cook constantly for all families from the age of 5. Most people from a similar background had ‘holidays’ like this.

Holidays for fun were something I didn’t experience until I could afford to take off alone in my 20s; and to date none of my friends who had kids in their teens / 20s have taken them.

They couldn’t afford to do anything other trips to India when they were young (funded by parents or family so they could see the GC); and can’t afford to do them now as the family members who used to pay to see gc are either dead or give money directly to adult gc to see them and their kids.

I have never come across a grandparent in their 40’s. Mind you I don’t know anyone in their 40’s with a 25 year old!

I was 46 with a 25 year old. I could very easily have been a grandparent at 40.

LST totally , it's the generalisations that get me.

I think I should step away, never normally rise to a zombie thread like this 🙈.

@KarensChoppyBob

I knew the snobs would rise up. Always happens,

Not in my circles dahhhling etc

Assume if you were under 40 you're obviously an uneducated chav - so silly.

Nobody said that about parents. They were saying it about grandparents. Be honest - how many 30-50yo grandparents do you know who come from wealthier backgrounds? I’m of Indian origin and being a gm between 30-40 is considered ok but even I don’t know many (not even in India) who can support themselves fully, let alone be useful enough to take care of their gc. And in many cases friends who had kids as teens are frozen out by their children when gc are born because ‘they don’t understand’z

That’s another thing ppl don’t tell you when you have kids young. That if your kids choose not to follow you and decide to have them a bit older, they may not be able to relate to your parenting experiences or may realise how shit they had it as kids and block you out.

At least if you’re an older parent like me you can use age to justify it. But if you’re a healthy 40 something and get ignored by your kids when it comes to childcare in favour of a 60 something gp it’s very hurtful.

@Alsohuman

I have never come across a grandparent in their 40’s. Mind you I don’t know anyone in their 40’s with a 25 year old!

I was 46 with a 25 year old. I could very easily have been a grandparent at 40.

My mum had me at 21 and 3 kids before she turned 30, which is part of the reason why none of us even started ttc until 29/30. She was a much better parent with our youngest sibling who came in her early 30s than any of us older ones.

Interestingly I was having this kind of conversation with my friend the other day.

Her mum had her sister at 22, and brother at 23. Then sadly a miscarriage, didn't want any more kids so had a massive break. Then at 45 found herself pregnant again, then had her final baby (my friend) at 47.

Me and my friend are both 25. I have a 3 year old and pregnant with my second, my mum is 49 and a brilliant grandma, and my grandma is still only 73 so we have a wonderful relationship and a very close family.

My friend, very differently, feels like she has 'two mums' - her older sister, who is the same age as my mum(!), she says did most of raising her, as her mum was too knackered. Her mum is now about to turn 73. She also has some health issues, sadly. It's unlikely she will live many more years. My friend adores her mum but feels robbed of their time together, and she isn't looking at having children any time soon so knows her mum and dad won't likely meet her children. Her older siblings are both not having children - one due to infertility and one due to not wanting them - and now her mum will never experience having grandchildren.

I find the whole thing really sad. I had children young but I'm very glad my family will be around a while to know them.

My mum had me at 21 and 3 kids before she turned 30, which is part of the reason why none of us even started ttc until 29/30. She was a much better parent with our youngest sibling who came in her early 30s than any of us older ones

I think that is probably due to having the experience of her earlier children than due to her age.

@PurplePinkParade

Interestingly I was having this kind of conversation with my friend the other day.

Her mum had her sister at 22, and brother at 23. Then sadly a miscarriage, didn't want any more kids so had a massive break. Then at 45 found herself pregnant again, then had her final baby (my friend) at 47.

Me and my friend are both 25. I have a 3 year old and pregnant with my second, my mum is 49 and a brilliant grandma, and my grandma is still only 73 so we have a wonderful relationship and a very close family.

My friend, very differently, feels like she has 'two mums' - her older sister, who is the same age as my mum(!), she says did most of raising her, as her mum was too knackered. Her mum is now about to turn 73. She also has some health issues, sadly. It's unlikely she will live many more years. My friend adores her mum but feels robbed of their time together, and she isn't looking at having children any time soon so knows her mum and dad won't likely meet her children. Her older siblings are both not having children - one due to infertility and one due to not wanting them - and now her mum will never experience having grandchildren.

I find the whole thing really sad. I had children young but I'm very glad my family will be around a while to know them.

That’s sad for your friend, but most of the active grans I know are between 65-75 (two are much older) They drive, take kids to the park, and daytrips, and can still care for babies and toddlers at home. So I do think it’s just luck of the draw sometimes.

One of them is 72 and says being an older first time mum (she had her first at 36) helped because she did everything and believes that kept her going as she had no one else to rely on. I’ll soon see if there’s any truth in that lol.

I wouldn’t judge her for it.

A friend of mine had her first and only baby at 46, she’d been ttc since she was 29 and had had 16 miscarriages and numerous rounds of IVF.

One of my ex colleagues is on her 8th round of ivf and she’s now 41.

It’s easy to say what other people should and shouldn’t do if you’ve been fortunate enough to meet/marry/have children in your 20’s or 40’s. Life isn’t always that straight forward.

Oops that should’ve said 20’s or 30’s 😊