Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

[quote Nataliafalka]@CutieBear I have never come across a grandparent in their 40’s. Mind you I don’t know anyone in their 40’s with a 25 year old! I think it depends on your crowd. I’m thinking of my friends, have a few turning 50 at the moment and most still have a child in year 5 or 6. Granted, it’s their youngest of 2 or 3. My youngest is in year 6 and most of the mums in the class are mid to late 40’s with a couple who are 51/52. The youngest ones have just turned 40 and we all proclaim how young they are.[/quote]
My MiL was 43 when her first grandchild was born. She was one of the last of her friends - her comment was 'at last!'.

?

I had IVF at 45 & 48 after trying since 35yrs old, I felt sad for the 1st being on their own thats why we had the 2nd. I love them both soooo much, but now I constantly worry that I am so much older 58 with no energy (especially after lockdown), and what their live will be like if I pass, as we have no family around .....

@Somethingorotherorother

Definitely too old. My aunt had one at 45 and then IVF twins at 47, she regrets it.

Does she regret having children or just the IVF twins or just wish she'd started earlier? If she could go back to age 44 and childless would she decide to remain childless?

It is a complex situation. Plenty of people might think their life might be better if they had their kids earlier/later/closer together/further apart etc but in fact would they swap for a childless life?

The OP's friend can't decide to have kids at 30, it is too late, so it is kids later in life or no kids at all.

My quoting button isn’t working... but to the contributor who thought having a baby with donor eggs was “ gross”

• grow up.

You have NO idea why people need to choose that option. I’m very lucky l didn’t, but have some compassion fgs.

I had my last at 37 & my first at 27.
I was better able to cope with the last actually, and now at 49 l am in better shape than lots of women in their 30’s.
We are all individually & are all able to cope differently- surprisingly

That ship has sailed .. she should look into other ways to make herself feel complete.

@TeddyIsaHe

Far too old, and it’s for entirely selfish reasons.

I understand women that have fertility issues or haven’t settled down, but being a parent is about putting your children first, even before they’re born.

Isn't having any child for selfish reasons?

Are the only children not born for selfish reasons the ones that were unplanned and conceived whilst using contraception?

Had my daughter when I was 42. She's now 11 and I'm 53 and I find she keeps me young. We go walking and running together and we're both into fashion and the same TV. That said, I'll never forget the tiredness when she was a baby. Thankfully I was fit and healthy. So I'd advise your friend to think long and hard

I'm 46 and tbh think its too old. I have a nearly 14 year old and an 11 year old. TBH I really wouldn't want to have to deal with children that were younger than that. Even though I'm relatively fit and healthy, I had a hell of a lot more energy ten years ago when they were little. I'm also now in perimenopause so even if I did want another one now, I dont think I would be likely to conceive. Disclaimer obviously I know I can still get pregnant and dont take risk

I had my first at 38 and my second at 40..........(by circumstance not through choice as I would have had children much earlier)
I can't imagine starting at 47. I'm 53 now and have one doing GCSEs and one with autism and severe learning difficulties who needs a high level of support and will never be independent. I am going through the menopause and have elderly parents who are requiring more and more support.........life is full-on and exhausting, I couldn't imagine having a 6-year-old.

It’s only in relatively modern times that women lived long enough to reach menopause. Average female life expectancy in 1900 was 48.3 years.

Not sure it’s a useful measure really as childhood mortality was so incredibly high. You’d need to look at average life expectancy of those who reached adulthood, and which must have been considerably higher. There’s certainly a number of natural pregnancies over 40 in my own family history!
Cut off for me would be natural menopause, or if you have an early menopause extended up to the average age. Might not be for me, but nothing wrong with it. Retirement age is 68 and average life expectancy over 80 because people are healthier these days, I don’t think it’s comparable, even my grandparents generation died earlier (lot of smokers for a start!). Many young people have kids in slightly less than ideal circumstances, that’s life

Realistically? Too old. She is highly unlikely to conceive naturally and would have a high chance of miscarriage if she did. Too old to be accepted for IVF. It's true that there are rare cases of women having babies at 50 but it's extremely unusual.

It’s only in relatively modern times that women lived long enough to reach menopause. Average female life expectancy in 1900 was 48.3 years

That's a very crude measure and is mostly accounted for by much higher infant mortality bringing down the average. Plenty of people still lived into relative old age which is why Old Age pensions were introduced in 1908.

Anyway,OP, I know 2 women who had a first baby at 46 and 47,conceived naturally. One teenage and one adult now and both mothers and offspring still thriving.
It definitely wouldn't be for me,but it can work.

@Clangerschick

Everyone keeps saying they couldn’t face it coz of being tired and how horrid it will be dealing with teens when sees in her 60s. I’m very neatly 45. My children are 18, 12, 2 and 6 months. I’ve not found dealing with the younger children as babies any harder whatsoever than when my older ones were small. I’m no more tired, no more stressed and have a German shepherd to deal with and a husband that works away for 5 days at a time aswell this time. It’s not a question that can be answered by anyone else except your friend. If she feels well enough and healthy enough then it’s up to her. Some people look/act 90 years old when they are 40 and some 90 year olds act decades younger it’s all so subjective and individual. For those of you who couldn’t face having a baby in your 40s then great, don’t do it. Some of us can ‘face it’ and actually love it and can cope fine. Also I’ve not found the teenage years with my eldest in any way horrid or stressful he’s been absolutely fine and developed into a smashing young man with no arguments or stroppiness and my 12 year old is still fine. It doesn’t always have to be a nightmare and sorry if your kids were and you found it hard but it’s not guaranteed and definite that you’ll have a hard time. My children will have each other when we are gone and I’m working hard at fostering their sibling relationships. I never had siblings and my childhood was very lonely. When my mum/dad pass I’ll have no family except my husband and children. Mum had me in her late 20s. I’d rather she had me later and I had siblings than having me younger and no other children if I was given the choice. I’ve got more than enough love , time and money to support and my children and am much more confident than when my eldest were small. And yes I’d love more and yes I will be trying and stuff anyone who wants to judge as only each individual knows their own circumstances and what they are capable of.

I completely agree with you, I am nearly the same as you and expecting baby number 4 at 45 and looking forward to it. My other children are really looking forward to the new addition, I have tonnes of energy before getting pregnant I was in the gym regularly, eat healthily etc. Because of the big age gaps between our soon to arrive baby we are going to try again so he has a playmate his age and there are no regrets at all.

I'm an only child as well and found my childhood very lonely too. OP if your friend has the energy for it she should go ahead and do it, there is no poor the child at all as the child will be loved.

I remarried at 48 and we briefly wondered about having another child so that we had one together. We would have been fine health, mentally, financially etc for the first period of a little ones life. I have had so much enjoyment from having grandchildren in my life since about aged 53 and have done one or two days a week childcare when I finished full time teaching.
I really really love children of all ages, but I/we have realised over the last couple of years now that we are mid 60’s a whole day of them is becoming more tiring. We are still both very fit and active but am so glad we can send them home before bedtime!
I worked out that if we had gone ahead with trying for a last baby, we would have a 14 year old teenager and I think I would not be so relaxed and happy to be living a retired life and playing with little grandchildren.
Everyone is different though.

I don't think late 40s are the norm for grandparent age these days.

The Office for National Statistics say the average age to become a grandparent in the UK is 63.

I saw in the paper the other day 'worlds oldest mum, 73'. That's bollocks my mum is 83, she didn't even get a mention

Feisty, I agree with you about not all teenagers being hard work, my three and husbands 2 were all a delight and neither of us had any real problems with them. I meant that I don’t think I would find it not so much “ fun” as before as I’m not a spring chicken anymore!
We have become a little more selfish recently and ( before lockdown) appreciated spontaneous days out, overnight breaks etc. When I recall the hectic lifestyle of 3 sports/music mad teenage boys I’m pretty certain I would find that harder work now.

My parents adopted me in their forties and my mum always seemed old but it was her outlook on life and she was very set in her ways.

When I was 40, I took on my grandchildren through the family courts. I did not find it as hard as I thought it might be although one was one year old and the other 3. The children were not the issue, it was the father who transferred his hatred to me and pursued me continually through the courts. I found I had good energy in my forties.

My gs1 is 18 now and I am nearly 59. He worries about all the running round I have to do as we live rurally but I have told him it is more the mess he makes, room etc and he has tried to be tidier- well as much as a kid that age can be. Your friend will be in her sixties when they are teens and I can tell you it really makes a difference. You have had enough by then, you really have.

Strangely my two gs's are not embarassed by me being old at all which surprised me because I was always awkward about my parents being elderly. They are embarassed by their (very) young mother but this is due to her behaviour.

Surely if your body is able to have a baby and you are up for it who is anyone else to say “too old”? Cheek.

The lauding of older parents is annoying not sure I have ever met a first time parent of any age who could be described as “relaxed”!

I think the limit is when you are no longer able to use your own eggs.
I think what people don't appreciate is that as your own hormones fade, so does your interest in children. She may feel desperate for a child now but once she's post menopausal, she may no longer be able to muster that self-sacrificing devotion that motherhood requires. At that point, it may be much easier for her to accept remaining childless.

I had My first in my teens and my last at 42 so have experienced both extreams !
The facts are that I was knackered running around after a toddler well into my 40's .. I was also knacked running after a toddler in my early 20's

I am actually now healthier & fitter at 53 than I ever was in my 20's & 30's - I took my 11 year old running with me on Sunday and left him behind . I see the other school mums in their 30's huffing and puffing up the hill many of them overweight and smoking .
I know plenty of 'young' parents that are years older both in appearance and attitude than I am.
I have a demanding full time job but still manage to say awake after 7pm and I certainly don't need an afternoon nap .
Yes I may die before my DS reaches 50 but then again my oldest's childs father died whilst still in his early 30's.
In a lot of respects I found it far easier being an older parent with both age and experience giving me an advantage this time around...

I just think it's more about the individual and their own circumstances and health than about age.

People don't automatically become less capable when they hit a certain age, and many people have been unhealthy and tire easily even in their 20s and 30s.

Personally my thoughts are we never know what's going to happen to us down the road so you can't make decisions based on what you may or may not be like when your kids are teens. Having a baby in your 40s is totally reasonable, if it's what she wants she should go ahead.

Not all older parents have more money. I was on free school meals before I left school as my family income was a pension.

Yes I may die before my DS reaches 50 but then again my oldest's childs father died whilst still in his early 30's.

Exactly. 3 of my grandparents died before my parents were 50, and none of them were 'older' parents.