To leave DH as he can't cope with DS?

[Porgone]

Me and DH have been married for 8 years, we have a DS who is 11 months. I loathe the term, but as part of the background he is an 'easy' baby, in that he sleeps through the night, eats whatever, is content to entertain himself for a short while etc (it's relevant, and I know things will change!). DH has a stressful job, he puts a lot of additional hours in at home partly because he feels he can't say no to stuff, and partly as he is interested in it anyway. I am on mat leave still but will be returning to work soon, I earn nearly double what he does, and I'm excited to get back, it's what we agreed would happen before TTC. But now his life revolves around work, I do support him and am accomodating, but it's reached the point now where I feel I can't even leave DS with him whilst I have a shower or a bath as he then says he is behind with his work. He sleeps in until when he wants which is often well into the afternoon, and I'm left to do everything, honestly who wants to live like that? I did wonder whether it was depression and I've offered to support however I can, but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything. He isn't abusive, has never raised his voice or anything to me in over a decade since we've been together; so I'm not scared of repracussions beyond him sulking and making me feel bad. He is also away with work a lot, usually a month in the US every few months, obviously he hasn't been recently because of covid and so I do go long periods completely alone.

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either. But I feel trapped because of the house, and knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine. But I want more than this, I'm back to work next month and I have the priveledge I guess of not being worried financially, but I wouldn't be able to buy him out of his share of the house. Would be happy to sell and move or whatever, but I just don't know. If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?

He's choosing to put his job first and not his family.

No one would blame you for wanting more.

I can relate to a lot of this - we also have a very easy 11 month old DS! My DH is on annual leave at the moment but even then, I often feel like he thinks DS is a huge burden and/or doesn't supervise him and then gets cross when he does something entirely reasonable for an 11 month old. I don't know what to do either; the idea of DH ignoring DS on 'his' weekend just makes my heart break and so I stay even though my heart is increasingly not in it.

Have you told him all of this? The way you've put it here?
Or have you just mentioned it sometimes.

Before you set your mind to leaving, you should sit down when you know you wont be interrupted and lay it out the way you have here. And he needs to start setting limits on working hours and he needs to start getting up in the mornings. If he got out of bed, you could do more things as a family and he could get his work done.

You need to communicate with him, and if he wont change then leave. Go stay somewhere else and see what he does about it.

Can I ask what you have tried in terms of trying to address all of this? Are the two of you able to have calm constructive discussions? If you’ve tried telling him and it’s fallen on deaf ears then how about giving counselling a go? An objective third party can often help get the message across.
YANBU to be fed up with this situation (I think any of us would be), but I do think trying to fix it is the answer rather than just walking away.

I think it's easy to fall into a pattern, particularly when mum is on mat leave, of leaving everything to the woman. And that then gets into a vicious cycle - because he doesn't feel confident with the baby, he then makes up more and more reasons why he's too busy to have the baby, which then means he's less confident, etc etc.

To answer your question though - No, there's nothing wrong in wanting more than this for you or your child.

So he now has a choice to make. Shape up or ship out. A friend was in a very similar situation with her DP, she basically told him what she expected of him and gave him a fortnight to sort himself out, or he was gone. Crucially, she meant it. He sorted it and they're now very happy - he's an excellent father now too.

So it's maybe worth giving him one more rocket up his arse. But you need to mean it.

You are right @PenelopePitstop49, he was the most selfless and thoughtful person before this, if I would have known I would have left long ago.

@mynameiscalypso it sucks doesn't it the weekends are what keeps me around, not because I dread time away (although it will be hard), but because my dad didn't want anything to do with me, and I worry it will be the same. Although perhaps he would be a better father that way, and maybe it would be the making of their relationship. But it's a gamble, that is why I feel selfish leaving, but I try and remember I am important too, and I would advise a friend to leave.

@BobbieDraper yes, I've spoken seriously about it before but he just stormed off, and then have tried since without beating around the bush but it changes for like an hour maybe and then he's back to normal. It's exhausting and he isn't listening, or even responding really.

Perhaps the reason he’s behind with work is because he lays in bed till the afternoon?
I can’t get my head round that. Perhaps he doesn’t know what to do with him. High time he learnt.

@missyB1 I have tried to talk seriously about it a few times, even (pre covid) having my friend look after DS so he isn't in the house so we could talk openly without disruption etc, but he just went to his brothers in a strop. He apologized, let me lie in for about an hour the next day and then back to normal. And repeat a few times. I mentioned counseling but he doesn't want to, I figure he would if he was keen to at least try.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett yeah I did wonder that, and lockdown isn't really helping I guess, perhaps one more try is worth it, and then that's the line drawn. Good news for your friend, glad it worked out

He's fallen into the habit of taking the absolute piss, and you've fallen into the habit of serving his every need. He needs to spend time with his baby. This is the only way they'll build a bond. If he falls behind with work, he has to get his lazy arse out of bed earlier! The fucking afternoon! Is he 15?! No wonder you're thinking about leaving, it's not attractive at all, he barely has any respect for himself and he certainly hasn't got any for you. Yanbu.

This sounds really hard. The storming off and sulking are at best very bad communication on his part and at worst a type of emotional abuse. That said, if this behaviour has only manifested itself since the baby was born maybe it’s worth giving him a chance. I.e that he agrees to relationship counselling or you’ll leave. What was his own childhood like? Was his own father a good one?

@Tlollj it's only at weekends he stays in bed to be fair, but wouldn't we all like a lie in. I wouldn't even mind sat and sun morning until a reasonable time, but it takes the mick, and shows he doesn't want to spend time with us. And yeah I do wonder whether it's a confidence thing, but then even when he is in bed he isn't bothered about spending time with me or anything. Although when I'm alone with DS I have a routine, I'm laid back about it and am always happy to either let him know what I usually do, or for him to crack on. The few times he has DS has always fallen off of something like the sofa and ended up bringing him up to me anyway for comfort.

In your situation, I would consider emailing your concerns to dh. Detailing his behaviour, how you cope with everything and how you would like things to change, perhaps suggesting counselling, could be a way that he could 'hear' you?
It's also there then, for him to refer back to at any time.

If he won’t go to counselling then that’s a very bad sign I’m afraid. Because if he truly valued your relationship then he would want to do whatever it took to save it.

I know exactly what you mean about a gamble and I don't feel I can do that to a child. All the advice on this thread is really good and exactly right - I think my issue is that I want DH to do these things because he wants to and not because I feel like I've nagged him into spending quality time with DS when he's not also checking his emails etc.

Next Saturday, take the baby through to him at 10am and say 'bye, I need to go shopping for clothes for going back to work.'

Then go out for the rest of the day, seriously. (Obviously you don't have to go shopping, any excuse is fine but it mustn't be something you would normally reschedule at his whim like seeing friends.) You need to set up a new normal for the weekends. God guys like this make my teeth itch.

Your husband sounds shite, you'd be better off if he had your son even every other weekend if you spit up.

Does he love the child?

I had this issue with DH and made it clear I would leave if things didn't change. I made it clear what I expected as a fair devision of labour. As I'm PT I said I would do 5 nights, he should do 2 etc so it felt fair and clear. Probably the best thing I did was to build a life regardless of what he did. He wants to lay in, fine, me and DD will go out and have a lovely time. He can't be bothered to do whatever, who cares I'll take a friend. He wants to go off in strop, fine, me and DD are off out for lunch etc. I guess I just wanted to make it clear we weren't waiting on him and he would miss out if he didn't bother getting up. We're still rocky but at least that bit is better now.

I think this is changeable but it's really down to your DH to change his priorities and learn to be a good parent.
But if you believe that can't/won't happen your marriage should not be a buffer for your husband's poor parenting. Being ignored by your Dad is hard whether they are married to your Mum or not. I don't think you can stay married purely for the dread of 'what would happen on Dad's weekends'. If you separate that will be an issue that needs addressing but I don't think being a parenting support person for your husband is a role that will make you happy in your marriage long term.
The only extra but of advice I have is to possibly wait a bit longer - the first year is a hard adjustment and I felt very differently at 11 months than I did at 18 months about our relationship and so did my DH, and how he approached parenting. It also gives you a chance to see if you returning to work balances things a bit more - the inequality of mat leave vs FT work can suck for couples. But it would have to be tangible changes from your DH not just more of the same.
In summary, his poor parenting is a reason to leave, not a reason to stay, if he doesn't change.

We don't have children so can't offer any advice there, but if I want to something and DH doesn't, I go by myself, with my Mum or a friend.

He works hard and so do I but I don't want to spend all my weekend cleaning (me) or sleeping (him).

I think if it had just been about he work then you might have had a chance as some men seem to get into a 'working to support the family' mindset. But when he is lying in til lunchtime, he is saying he doesn't care about spending time with your son and he doesnt care about you doing way more than your fair share. He doesn't care that he is being fundamentally unfair to you.

You've already tried discussing it with him, if he won't try counselling then I think there is literally nothing left you can try. I'm sorry but sounds like he is not participating in family life at all, it's effectively already over

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either.

Yanbu and it's good that you see this now rather than once one of you meets another person and enter an affair. This is the sort of behaviour that will cause a marriage to end.

knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine.
If he can't cope with you having a shower I suspect he'll be one of those Dads who rarely has ds tbh. I think ds could have a better relationship with his Dad if he saw him infrequently for short periods.

If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?
It's not selfish. Best case scenario is that your h is a good Dad for the short periods that he sees ds. Worst case scenario is living with a Dad who sees him as a nuisance and ending up with low self esteem.

I used to work with a boss who told me that as soon as his children were born, he realized he just hated parenting. he made every excuse imaginable to always be busy with work, to the point where honestly everyone at work wanted him to just stop sending emails to seem "busy" on a Sunday afternoon, since we all wanted to relax with our families.

He would go on every business trip he could manage, and extend them longer than they needed to go. He also would stay up late "working" and sleep until the afternoon on weekends sometimes, and straight-up told coworkers that this was a strategy to avoid the difficult parts of parenting.

I doubt this is depression. sounds more like avoidance behavior.

There's some good points to ponder, thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel like the crux of it is that although he loves me, he isn't in love with me anymore and that's the important bit. He just doesn't seem to want to fight for this as it's not what he wants, I am the same person but obviously DS is a big part of my world now, I still make time for 'us' though but he isn't interested. I guess it's his perogative, I just wish he would be honest rather than hide behind the excuse of work. You're all right though, he would consider counselling if he was bothered. I'm going to have one last try at a serious conversation about it and see what happens. I do take DS out at weekends whilst he is in bed, because otherwise it's not fair on him being stuck in all day, but I always say the night before why don't we do something together and he says he doesn't feel like it.

YANBU. He's checked out of parenting, family life, and your relationship. He's not interested in trying counselling. He sulks when you try to raise it. In this scenario I would not hesitate to LTB.