To leave DH as he can't cope with DS?

[Porgone]

Me and DH have been married for 8 years, we have a DS who is 11 months. I loathe the term, but as part of the background he is an 'easy' baby, in that he sleeps through the night, eats whatever, is content to entertain himself for a short while etc (it's relevant, and I know things will change!). DH has a stressful job, he puts a lot of additional hours in at home partly because he feels he can't say no to stuff, and partly as he is interested in it anyway. I am on mat leave still but will be returning to work soon, I earn nearly double what he does, and I'm excited to get back, it's what we agreed would happen before TTC. But now his life revolves around work, I do support him and am accomodating, but it's reached the point now where I feel I can't even leave DS with him whilst I have a shower or a bath as he then says he is behind with his work. He sleeps in until when he wants which is often well into the afternoon, and I'm left to do everything, honestly who wants to live like that? I did wonder whether it was depression and I've offered to support however I can, but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything. He isn't abusive, has never raised his voice or anything to me in over a decade since we've been together; so I'm not scared of repracussions beyond him sulking and making me feel bad. He is also away with work a lot, usually a month in the US every few months, obviously he hasn't been recently because of covid and so I do go long periods completely alone.

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either. But I feel trapped because of the house, and knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine. But I want more than this, I'm back to work next month and I have the priveledge I guess of not being worried financially, but I wouldn't be able to buy him out of his share of the house. Would be happy to sell and move or whatever, but I just don't know. If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?

I was also wondering if he’s actually working, or is he playing games, watching porn or whatever ?

@SteelyPanther

I was also wondering if he’s actually working, or is he playing games, watching porn or whatever ?

Oh, I would lay money right not he's not working a sizeable proportion of the time he says he is and is dicking about with email/YouTube/whatever his equivalent of Mumsnet is.

Eugh, that behaviour is deeply unattractive. And he probably knows it and doesn't care. That'd be enough for me!

Mine has had spells of being a bit like this but not as bad but it is still a source of tension. Eg during lockdown we have split work and childcare but in my childcare hours I’m doing the engaging stuff, thinking up activities etcand he’s doing the tv time. What I’ve found is that he’s much better with them outside of the house eg at parks or riding a bike. You might find that things are better once you’re in the swing of work. I think some men fidn

Sorry was going to say some men find the maternity leave period harder but then seem to step up their game. I think yours is absolutely taking the piss though and needs to get sorted as it sounds like he’s completely rejecting you and your baby.

Yes, I think at least in part that's what is so hard. Our relationship and our marriage was so good before, we both talked about everything, even if it was something 'bad' or serious I felt we could talk about it, and we did. Now there's just nothing. It's hard, I've lost my wonderful husband

Have you said this to him just about your sadness at losing the relationship you both had before having a child,? If he doesn't feel the same way I'd say things are over and sooner or later you should leave ( and I am slower to say that than most on here) . If however he says he feels the same but is struggling with being a father just ask him how he feels you can get that back? What he says to that will be instructive as well

You have to stop asking him to change. He has to want to change and you need to know if that is the case. If he is depressed and misses what you had he probably does want to change ( whether he he has the courage and strength to do that is another matter). If he is just not in love any more then he probably doesn't want to change

I'd get your affairs in order to leave or ask him to leave but first I'd give him a final chance to be honest with you about what he wants compared to what you want and how he wants to proceed. Then see if what he does changes your mind about leaving ( unlikely but probablyworth a final go for your own peace of mind)

If you are unable to raise and discuss issues and to both work together and make changes to try to address them then it's not a functional relationship OP and thus not a healthy one to be in.

I do think it's worth putting in writing why the relationship is not working for you and trying to leave on reasonable terms for the sake of ds. But I would definitely advise you to leave the relationship. Counselling for yourself might be worth thinking about. You must have been through a lot in the last year.

Just a couple of thoughts from my own experience. When I had my twins, I had severed PND that wasn't diagnosed until my boys were 2. Everybody noticed it but me. I hated parenting, I hated being around the kids, I was miserable and if it wasn't for the fact I was a single parent, I probably would have behaved the way your husband does. I'd have thrown myself into something to avoid the kids. I received counselling and went on medication and things changed so much for the better.
Fathers can get PND as well and it doesn't just last for the first couple of months. Would you consider asking your HV for advice? Maybe they could speak to your husband. Would he speak to the GP?
Secondly, my dad admits he doesn't like babies. He has 5 children and he admits that until we were about 3/4 he really didn't have an interest in us, but it did change. I'm not saying it's right or that it isn't a cop out. Two of his kids won't have anything to do with him anymore. Some men are useless with babies. I don't agree with putting up with it though but it might be that, if you do leave, there is hope that he won't be a crap weekend father.
It does kind of sound like you're already done though and fwiw, if you leave, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

The work thing is a red herring - the fact that he's sleeping in all hours, then working, shows that he's clearly just decided to opt out. It may well be that he's in shock/resentful about how his life has changed, with Covid adding an extra dimension. But so what? Lots of us feel this? I spent about a year grieving for the life I'd lost by having a baby. Didn't stop me from being a good parent, making an effort with DS and working to maintain my relationship with DH. We struggled, mentally and emotionally, me especially. But we talked about it. I worked hard to get over my issues. DH supported me. Your DH is just being a big baby, and as you already have one of those, it's pathetic.

I am sympathetic to people going through issues or with mental health problems, but that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.

Also, the fact that when you try to bring this up he storms off and then sulks? That's classic behaviour for someone who wants to be in control. It's not working so well for him because you're not immediately changing your behaviour, backing down or tiptoeing around him. Good for you. But unfortunately, I've read enough stories on here from women dealing with similar behaviour from their partners to know that he's unlikely to change. I'm sorry OP.

Secondly, my dad admits he doesn't like babies. He has 5 children and he admits that until we were about 3/4 he really didn't have an interest in us, but it did change. I'm not saying it's right or that it isn't a cop out.

See the thing about this is that OP's H clearly doesn't particularly like her either. I don't like babies. I'm not going to lie, I may have done the majority of caring while I was on ML, but DH was much better with the DC. But I still sucked it up.

Also, because I found it so hard and exhausting at times, it wasn't unusual for DH to be with DS while I did other stuff - cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. The point is that I didn't just opt out entirely.

Secondly, my dad admits he doesn't like babies. He has 5 children and he admits that until we were about 3/4 he really didn't have an interest in us, but it did change. I'm not saying it's right or that it isn't a cop out.

See the thing about this is that OP's H clearly doesn't particularly like her either. I don't like babies. I'm not going to lie, I may have done the majority of caring while I was on ML, but DH was much better with the DC. But I still sucked it up.

Also, because I found it so hard and exhausting at times, it wasn't unusual for DH to be with DS while I did other stuff - cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. The point is that I didn't just opt out entirely.

I’m a bit confused. I’m not suggesting this isn’t real but you say in one breath that your DH works all hours and won’t even let you have a shower without complaining he is behind with work, and then in another that he sleeps in until mid afternoon.

That sounds awful.

Tell him exactly how you feel. If things don't improve then sell up and have a clean break. Keep it nice for your child.

I had one like this op. His 'big important job' was far more important than mine, even though I earned twice the salary. If our dc was ill, guess who had to leave work, i had to sort my hours around child care as he couldn't possibly do this as his job was far more important than mine (obviously). I ended up resenting him, as he was happy to live a life off the back of my salary, but I did all the child rearing/life work. He was far too tired on the weekend due to his very important job. It wasn't a nice way to live.

He does have the dc eow now, and tbh he's not a brilliant Dad, but at least now he tries and makes a bit of an effort. I do have to bite my tongue on occasions but I'm so much happier now I have only 2 children to look after.

I was in a similar position OP. I felt like I was doing everything on my own and there was not point in my DH being there. We did go through some tough times after having DH. I remember during one of our conversations, telling DH that I didn't think I would notice if he left or not because he had such little impact on our day to day lives. That was when it all kind of clicked into place for us both.

It sounds like you've tried to talk about it and he doesn't want to. I think it's time to suggest a separation. It might get him to buck his ideas up. It might end the relationship. You have to be willing to accept that. I honestly don't think you need to be worrying about' his weekend'. He will probably dump your DS and custody like a hot potato.

I’m a bit confused. I’m not suggesting this isn’t real but you say in one breath that your DH works all hours and won’t even let you have a shower without complaining he is behind with work, and then in another that he sleeps in until mid afternoon

What he tends to do is 'work'(?) until the early hours, and then sleeps in. When he is awake he just works, never anything else without a big fuss and guilt trip. He only stays in bed at weekends btw, during the week he works 9-5 out of the house and then in normal times a month away every few months. The additional work is done at home on his laptop. I have pointed out many times that if he is that stressed with work it's probably not helpful to stay in bed until 3pm (aside from it being hugely unfair when there's a toddler in the house). If I had actual work I had to do I would definitely get up at a reasonable time, but as mentioned, no one else has all of this extra work to be doing within his team, so it's just an excuse really. I usually just shower in the morning whilst DS is in his cot but calm, but sometimes when we have been out in the morning it's nice to have a long actually relaxing shower in the afternoon, but it's harder when he is awake.

Don’t you feel furious with him? I’d be incandescent by now I think.

Leave before he wears you down. He will not change because there are no consequences for him. You ask him to change, he doesn't, then you continue to do everything. Maybe if you leave, it will shock him to change. Or he'll feel relieved as he doesn't love you or your baby in which case good riddance.

Yep @Fanthorpe. I try not to let it affect me for DS' sake, but it's something I know he will pick up on, that's why I think it's time to get things in order to give him a calmer and happier home. I know I can do it alone as I often do, and myself as a person isn't getting anything positive from the relationship either. I think seeing a lot of the replies in black and white has helped me see what I should have done a long time ago.

He has disengaged with family life, sounds like a new baby is too much for him and he is acting like a passenger in your life rather than a participant. I dont by the 'depression' he is more than able to function at work and his behaviour is that of avoidance.

I personally would discuss it with him and explain as you have stated on here how you feel. See the reaction and make your mind up from there.

I’m very sorry for all three of you, I think he needs to do some work on himself though. I’m still curious about his relationship with his own parents, he sounds like he’s incredibly avoidant. He’s not setting himself up for a very happy or fulfilling future. But that’s not your concern, you can’t change him only your approach to him.

What I noticed is you’ve seemed to bury the lede here - only in later posts do you mention that neither your husband nor yourself are in love with the other any more.

Am confused that you say before baby you had a good relationship - was this baby planned? Did he want to be a father? What were his expectations of what parenthood would be like ?

Why do you feel you have fallen out of love with each other ? Is this a “vibe” you get or have those words actually been said ?

Because falling out of love is the issue here. You feel disconnected & alone in this relationship & the responsibility of your baby is all on you.

Considering you are the breadwinner this situation is untenable once you return to work. The resentment will grow.

I remember the early days and how rough I felt after being up with DS during the night, doing all the nappy changes and food prep and often covered in vomit. A hot bath by yourself in complete silence was absolute bliss!

I can't believe your DH won't take the baby for half an hour so you can have a decent wash and feel human again. Especially after sleeping all morning. That shows such little respect for you and everything you do! He's not even prioritising you meeting your basic needs. I'm afraid I couldn't get past this.

DH here also works very long hours (8.30am to midnight/early hours, except on Fridays). I work PT. I don't think he's perfect and we've had arguments (he sleeps till 11am on weekends to catch up on sleep and he needs to help more around the house). But he does take DS out every Saturday afternoon for a 4 hour hike and, since being wfh, will play with him or read stories for 20 minutes here and there during the day when he comes down to grab a coffee.

To reiterate my previous suggestion, I think one change you can make immediately is to hire a babysitter for a few hours on Sat/Sun morning so you can have some time off as well. That, and cut down on any cooking/washing for him to gain yourself more 'me' time.

OP,

He has absolutely NO interest in family life.

You are being made a right mug of.

His colleagues aren't doing a fraction of what he does.

He's sleeping, he's on his computer, he's absolutely avoiding you and his son.

He strops off when you bring it up.

For goodness sake make sure your contraception is sorted and make plans for your life without him.

This is exactly who he is...a waster.

You and your son deserve better.

It wont get any better with him.

Am confused that you say before baby you had a good relationship - was this baby planned? Did he want to be a father? What were his expectations of what parenthood would be like ?

Very much planned, something that over the years we have talked about at length, and decided mutually when the time felt right to TTC. I have always been unsure as to whether I wanted children growing up, so there was no real pressure; if anything he was more keen as I wanted to wait until we had a suitable house, had some savings and had done the travelling that we wanted to do as a pair (which we did, whereas he was keen a few years before that. We spoke about how it would be hard, so obviously we didn't know how it would exactly be, but I don't think he thought it would be easy. Our marriage was great, genuinely more than I could have dreamt of growing up. That's why it's hard as I feel he is struggling and I want to help, but I can only go for so long with him refusing to engage.