To leave DH as he can't cope with DS?

[Porgone]

Me and DH have been married for 8 years, we have a DS who is 11 months. I loathe the term, but as part of the background he is an 'easy' baby, in that he sleeps through the night, eats whatever, is content to entertain himself for a short while etc (it's relevant, and I know things will change!). DH has a stressful job, he puts a lot of additional hours in at home partly because he feels he can't say no to stuff, and partly as he is interested in it anyway. I am on mat leave still but will be returning to work soon, I earn nearly double what he does, and I'm excited to get back, it's what we agreed would happen before TTC. But now his life revolves around work, I do support him and am accomodating, but it's reached the point now where I feel I can't even leave DS with him whilst I have a shower or a bath as he then says he is behind with his work. He sleeps in until when he wants which is often well into the afternoon, and I'm left to do everything, honestly who wants to live like that? I did wonder whether it was depression and I've offered to support however I can, but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything. He isn't abusive, has never raised his voice or anything to me in over a decade since we've been together; so I'm not scared of repracussions beyond him sulking and making me feel bad. He is also away with work a lot, usually a month in the US every few months, obviously he hasn't been recently because of covid and so I do go long periods completely alone.

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either. But I feel trapped because of the house, and knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine. But I want more than this, I'm back to work next month and I have the priveledge I guess of not being worried financially, but I wouldn't be able to buy him out of his share of the house. Would be happy to sell and move or whatever, but I just don't know. If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?

YANBU and you would be better off without him there tbh. Especially if you earn double what he does. He's opting out and using work as an excuse.

Unfortunately I think this is standard for very many couples, the baby is essentially your problem domain. fast forward a few years he may start to become involved..
You will be the domestic goddess & he will dip in occasionally if it proves to other people he is a "Great Dad/Personne/Partner"
Up to you if this ticks the boxes for you, but IMHO you are on a hiding to nowhere.
You could tell him, rather than sulking & sloping off, he should face the reality, as obviously making a new human being was going to change the dynamic, & involve effort. if he doesn't give a shit, he can leave immediately. Mean it

My DH was the same. It’s like as soon as you go on mat leave they think you do fuck all, all day therefore you become their personal slave. I badgered DH to go to marriage counselling but he wouldn’t go. I also mention divorce. I went back to work full time just in case we split so I could save for a divorce and I knew that I could pay the mortgage and nursery fees if we split. I earned double what DH did so I spoke to a solicitor as I was concerned he could get more than 50% of the equity in the house. The solicitor advised this was very unlikely as I would need to keep enough equity to keep the house for DD (DH did fuck all for DD).

I spent two nights in an Air BnB and DH shat himself. I didn’t spell it out to him but he faced losing me, DD, the house (with 50% of the equity he wouldn’t earn enough to get a mortgage for his own house), and the nice lifestyle he had because of my earning all because he was too fucking lazy to load as dishwasher and put the vac round, etc

I’m in a very similar situation to you, OP. Also have an ‘easy’ 11 month old DS, and lots of similarities in our respective DHs’ behaviours since the baby arrived. I’m also on mat leave and earn more normally, and am heading back to work at the end of this month.

All I can tell you is what I’ve decided to do. I’ve decided to give it until our DS is 18 months old and reassess then. I figured becoming a parent is a massive upheaval, and the last 6 months in particular have been very strange and have put a lot of strain on our relationship and mental health. I want to see if me going back to work makes him step up on the parenting and housework front.

If it doesn’t, and I find myself still doing 100% of the childcare and housework in 7 months time as well as working FT, while being treated without love and respect, then I’m gonna be out - because obviously that’s a shit deal.

My DH was a bit like this with our first ds. Threw himself into work, unsure & moany about the baby. Thought ds was v difficult when he really wasn’t. Ds is now 18 months & my DH is excellent with him, wev just had a second ds so he’s had to step up as I really need help this time.
I think lots of men go a bit awol with first baby, it’s not right & not fair. I had lots of discussions with my DH but ultimately it was time that changed things.

Parenting really isn't for everyone, especially the early years, but you suck it up and deal with your responsibilities. He hasn't been. As PP have said, he has been avoidant.
I'd ask him to leave then sell up. He will either step up as a father with one on one time with his son (need not be a whole weekend so young, surely??) or he will completely check out. Either way, your son is very young and won't know any different.
I am a massive advocate of splitting whilst the children are young enough to not remember life before the split and the break up itself.

Something to think about is that he will always be your DCs father and as such you will always have to have a relationship of some sort with him for your DCs sake make it the best it can be wether that is together or apart.

So let me get this straight...

You earn 66% of the money and do 99% of the parenting/housework.

Your husband earns 33% of the money and does 1% of the parenting/housework. Moreover, he adds nothing emotionally to your life.

Get rid. You deserve so much better. He is a passenger in the family life that you are busy creating. You are lucky enough to be financially independent, so think how happy you might be settled down in your own home with DS and with the chance to meet someone who actually appreciates what a star you are. If I were you, I would also get a babysitter for a few hours at the weekend to look after DS so you have some time to yourself (even if only to sleep/go for a walk/have a bath). This is what your DH should be doing but he can't be arsed. You need a break too.

Were you a close and communicative couple before you had your son? What you both have now sounds so lonely.
It sounds like you’ve tried to talk to him but he’s not heard you, or he’s checked out but can’t face looking like a bastard for dumping his wife and child. Are his parents together? Did he have a good relationship with his dad?
Do you think it’s worth fighting for?

It’s one thing to lie in at weekends until the afternoon when you are single with no responsibilities. It’s another thing entirely when you have a baby and you are leaving EVERYTHING to your partner to do on top of their job too. This shows a staggering selfishness that I don’t think I could get past. It’s as if he expects to put zero input in at all. WTF is wrong with him?

I think I would leave. There is nothing more lonely than being with someone yet STILL being alone. Leave. Life is too bloody short for this BS.

This is so common, the amount of males you see pottering along at 40mph avoiding going home/developing a love of cycling along roads for 10 hours a day in disgusting Lycra/whacking golf balls for entire weekends etc. A huge swathe of the population seem to just the have shagged out a load of kids without any thought whatsoever into raising them, ignore all the parents who talk often about how awful their lives are, just mindlessly produce more humans and then act shocked that their lives aren’t nice anymore. Pathetic. This needs to not be accepted anymore, along with sulking, and all the little micro aggressions, just NOPE the fuck out of there, enjoy your life.

Thank you everyone, definitely a lot to talk about and think over. As I said earlier, if a friend came to me for advice I know what I would say, yet for myself for some reason I don't do it.

Were you a close and communicative couple before you had your son? What you both have now sounds so lonely

Yes, I think at least in part that's what is so hard. Our relationship and our marriage was so good before, we both talked about everything, even if it was something 'bad' or serious I felt we could talk about it, and we did. Now there's just nothing. It's hard, I've lost my wonderful husband but gained an amazing DS, I wouldn't change the latter for the world, but I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that he has changed.

Stop looking after him. Concentrate on yourself and your son. Don't wash his clothes or feed him.

Put him in the position of feeling uncomfortable so much so that he has to raise the subject.

Then tell him why and give him an ultimatum of your choosing.

I would not live like this with a child to look after. It is not right or fair or decent of him to expect you to put up with it. He has to know though...

Notwithstanding the other problems in your relationship, we found that employing a nanny/housekeeper massively improved our lifestyle and our relationship as we didn't have to share household jobs. It was just removed entirely as a point of dispute. And now our kids are older he is the best dad. So if you have the funds, consider a nanny when going back to work.

It does sound as though your husband is a bit depressed and anxious. The fact that he does so much extra work shows he is insecure about his work and feels he has to do over and above just to keep up. It's not an unusual situation but he won't be able to keep up the face forever.

What is unacceptable is him storming off when you try to address the problem. It's extremely immature and defensive. He knows he is in the wrong so he blusters but it sounds as though a lot of his life is a mess.

In your place I would tell him I accept that things aren't going to change but I cannot live with it any more so we must part, let's put the wheels in motion. That may shock him into facing up to the problem. As long as you put up with it, he'll carry on in the same way. On the other hand you have to be prepared to separate which I think you are.

You deserve more from life than this.

Good luck.

but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything.

You don't have to do literally everything. Employ someone. Why is it your job. You have more important work to do.

A (now divorced) friend of mine was like this after he and his wife had two children — he started leaving very early for work ‘to get a car park space’ and working incredibly inefficiently once there so he was out of the house for about 12.5 hours, and often went in at weekends ‘because I can’t concentrate here’/he ‘forgot something’/‘there’s so much to do’ etc. I do exactly the same job in normal office hours and WFH two days a week.

His wife, who also worked FT, did literally everything for the children and around the house.

As soon as they split, he miraculously stopped the long days, started to WFH a lot and never went in at all at weekends. The all-encompassing job was a way of avoiding having to look after his children.

I do wonder if staying is setting your child up to repeat this dynamic when they have their own children. He may see his dad gets away with doing nothing and then unconsciously decide he gets to treat his partner in the same fashion.

It does sound as though your husband is a bit depressed and anxious. The fact that he does so much extra work shows he is insecure about his work and feels he has to do over and above just to keep up.

I did wonder this, but through meeting at work functions etc I am friends with a lot of his colleagues wives. Even those married to senior management don't have the same workload, and barely do work at home. Those in his immediate team their other halves laughed when I asked how they deal with the working at weekends. If he is taking on too much then he should speak to his manager, because it's not the norm. He could even leave work if he was that unhappy, he doesn't have the entire financial burden. But I do agree there could be depressing or anxiety at play, but if he doesn't want help or support I can't hang on just in case one day he was, perhaps selfishly. I grew up with a family member with MH issues, and although obviously not their fault, it was challenging where they refused help, and I just can't again.

Your post resonated with me as I had a disengaged DH (now XH) and it does suck the life out of you.

Your DH is working so not useless and pulls his weight financially so that's a plus.

But it does sound like you live separate lives and do your own thing and given that you can support yourself financially, you have to ask yourself "what is the point of him?" You don't sound as it you will be that upset if he does leave so maybe that's your answer??

However, for better or worse and all that so I agree with others who have advised to talk to him, lay your cards on the table calmly no confrontation but be firm. If he stomps off to his brother's, you've got your answer!

He's avoiding you and family life in work. A lot of men do, because pissing about pretending to write emails and reports/"networking" in the pub is easier than raising children. And if you never invest the time in raising your children, you don't get the relationship and the incredible joys that are the reward.

Ultimately I don't think it matters why he is doing this, if it's because he's insecure or depressed or merely being avoidant and lazy or doesn't love you any more and won't sack up and say it in case he loses his nice lifestyle. I think you need to lay it out for him and go to a hotel/Airbnb like a pp did. He engages and stops fucking about or its game over, you will leave and take your DS, and he can pay child support and stop having all the benefits of your salary and domestic work. He may shape up or you may need to ship him out, but I think you're well past softly softly and anything you say now you have to be prepared to back up.

You sound great btw. Smart and strong and resilient. You'll be fine. One of the secrets of the universe you learn after you become a mother is how many truly kickass women there are out there, and sadly how few men who deserve them.

Depression is not a reason for him to leave everything to the OP. It’s just not. He is refusing to seek help so what is she supposed to do? Let him lay in bed all day every weekend and just do everything? I’m sorry but that’s not a partnership, that’s a parent- child type dynamic and relationships based on those fail very quickly and breed not only resentment from the “parent” but increased learned helplessness from the adult “child”. No one can help being depressed but they can help themselves by being open to seeking help for themselves. It’s really not fair or healthy for the OP to simply shoulder everything. Who looks after her when SHE gets ill or needs a break?

As someone whose hubby put his job first, I’d say go now.
He won’t change and you’ll end up becoming resentful.
I gave up my career for his when I had the kids. I’ve lost promotion, wages and pension.
Don’t look back in 25 years time, when the kids have left home and you’re still stuck with him and still doing it all , wishing you’d had the courage to split years ago.

Is he actually working all the time he says he is?

PS. DH and I had some difficulties after our first was born (although not as bad). It probably took until DS1 was 2 for him to really find his groove and be a fully involved and independent parent. He's been great with DS2 from day 1. But it has always been a great comfort to me that I can make it on my own with my kids and have no fear of doing so. It's a great gift to know that you can choose to be in your relationship only because it enhances your life and not because you need it.