To leave DH as he can't cope with DS?

[Porgone]

Me and DH have been married for 8 years, we have a DS who is 11 months. I loathe the term, but as part of the background he is an 'easy' baby, in that he sleeps through the night, eats whatever, is content to entertain himself for a short while etc (it's relevant, and I know things will change!). DH has a stressful job, he puts a lot of additional hours in at home partly because he feels he can't say no to stuff, and partly as he is interested in it anyway. I am on mat leave still but will be returning to work soon, I earn nearly double what he does, and I'm excited to get back, it's what we agreed would happen before TTC. But now his life revolves around work, I do support him and am accomodating, but it's reached the point now where I feel I can't even leave DS with him whilst I have a shower or a bath as he then says he is behind with his work. He sleeps in until when he wants which is often well into the afternoon, and I'm left to do everything, honestly who wants to live like that? I did wonder whether it was depression and I've offered to support however I can, but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything. He isn't abusive, has never raised his voice or anything to me in over a decade since we've been together; so I'm not scared of repracussions beyond him sulking and making me feel bad. He is also away with work a lot, usually a month in the US every few months, obviously he hasn't been recently because of covid and so I do go long periods completely alone.

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either. But I feel trapped because of the house, and knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine. But I want more than this, I'm back to work next month and I have the priveledge I guess of not being worried financially, but I wouldn't be able to buy him out of his share of the house. Would be happy to sell and move or whatever, but I just don't know. If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?

If he likes being a dad, it sounds like he would just need help in structuring his day in order to actually be a dad. If he doesn't like being a dad, he must understand that it will drive a wedge between you eventually because you will resent the fact that you carry a disproportionate burden. So the first question for me would be about why he doesn't appear to like being a dad. Is it correct that he does't like it and what can be done to help, if anything.
Otherwise it's a conversation about why his day isn't structured, how much time does he need to sleep/work and how much time should be left for you.
I wouldn't think about leaving without thrashing that out.
I do understand that it's exhausting to be responsible for literally everything though and no man is worth that.

My DP did this for a short while when DD was tiny. I took to singing "Cats in the Cradle" at him quite often. (I also shouted a fair bit about how his child will not have a bond with him.)
If you've tried similar and it didn't help, though, then I think you have to leave him. He'll have to cope at weekends if you're not there to step in.

I'd leave. It doesn't mean you divorce right away, but I would just have no respect for someone who treated me and his child like this and won't engage with counselling or even an adult conversation about it all but storms off and pouts like a child.

Nope.

Stop trying to find solutions for this behaviour or making excuses for it and use that energy to focus on you and what you and your son need and deserve.

I wouldn't waste more time with him. Would find another place to live and move out. 'Tried to talk to you. It's clear you don't want your family. That's fine. But I don't have to live like this. We are through.'

My DH was more or less the same when our DCs were small. Basically I did everything. I still do everything around the house, but the DCs are grown up and don't need looking after now (youngest is 16). I've been through so many mindsets over the years and had so many discussions/rows etc but have come to the conclusion that a lot of men simply don't see the need to lift a finger to help because 1) they don't actually care if the house is a state and the DCs are sat in front of the TV all morning and 2) they know you mind more than them and will do everything when they don't.
The longer they do this, the more of a habit it becomes for both of you. What I found hardest to deal with was the fact that my life changed so much when I had children and my DH's didn't seem to change much at all. He went out whenever he fancied and did everything the way he did before, whereas I had to "book" him for 5 minutes to look after the DCs while I had a shower. Of course, the reason he did this was because he knew I'd always be there to look after them.
I love my DH, we've always got on famously, he works long hours and now I'm no longer knackered from looking after little ones, I'm okay with doing all the housework. But when they were little, it was relentless and completely unfair. I stayed- only you can decide if doing so is right for you.

Don't let your son see you put up with being treated like shit.

I could be your DH in this scenario, if I allowed myself to be. I love my DC more than anything, but Parenthood doesn't come naturally to me and I find the baby/toddler stage particularly stressful. I also have a job that I'm passionate about and could easily consume my life if I let it. DH on the other hand, took to Fatherhood like a duck to water from day one. Nothing phases him, he enjoys every stage and is definitely the more confident, natural parent out of the two of us.

The difference between me and your DH is that I'm still a good parent, because I work at it every day. I could easily retreat into my work and use that as an excuse to opt out, but I make a conscious choice not to do that, although sometimes it's tempting. If I get overwhelmed dealing with the kids and DH offers to take over for a bit while I go and have a bath or a cuppa then I might take him up on it...but I always come back refreshed and ready to try again and I make sure he has time for himself regularly too.

It's ok if your DH doesn't find your DS "easy" the way you do. It's ok if he's not a laid-back, confident parent like you are. He can find Parenthood hard and still be a loving and engaged parent. But he doesn't even seem interested in trying to do that, and that's really not ok.

Not selfish at all.

I understand that having a child changes the dynamic of a relationship and it sounds like he can't deal with the transition.

Some people don't mind it when the other partner "checks out" but if it doesn't work for you, don't put up with it.

I am also married to a workaholic who puts his heart and soul into work, but the difference is he takes regular breaks and when he does he prioritises his family, so I am content. I couldn't bear it if he didn't, and I would leave.

This was me. I hated the lying in till afternoon, usually because he had stayed up late watching tv. I would literally sit there and fill with resentment all morning!

I left him.

Life is 100 times better. And he’s stepped up and is a far better dad than he ever was when we were together, because he’s HAD to because nobody else is there to do everything. He has a lovely relationship with the kids!

Do you love your husband? Nowhere in your posts have you stated any feelings for him apart from as the mother of his child and all the things you do for him.

There is more to life than this.

@Porgone

There's some good points to ponder, thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel like the crux of it is that although he loves me, he isn't in love with me anymore and that's the important bit. He just doesn't seem to want to fight for this as it's not what he wants, I am the same person but obviously DS is a big part of my world now, I still make time for 'us' though but he isn't interested. I guess it's his perogative, I just wish he would be honest rather than hide behind the excuse of work. You're all right though, he would consider counselling if he was bothered. I'm going to have one last try at a serious conversation about it and see what happens. I do take DS out at weekends whilst he is in bed, because otherwise it's not fair on him being stuck in all day, but I always say the night before why don't we do something together and he says he doesn't feel like it.

He's right now controlling you via his behaviour. You try to have a mature conversation and he storms off or pouts. You suggest counselling he won't even consider it. This is what he's saying: You, woman, put up with how I want things to go. My next serious conversation with him would be after I'd seen a solicitor about how to split up, at least temporarily, because the resentment, which is entirely reasonalbe, is already there and will only grow.

I know you're not his mum op it I'd be up there at 9.am every Saturday to strip the bed. Take DS, wake dp up, hand him DS and ask him to take him downstairs. Every Sunday is so the same with the vacuum cleaner. If he brings him up, h
Kiss the booboo and send them back down.

Confidence is an excuse in the early months, it's not a worthy excuse a year in cos he cba

And no, he doesn't need a fucking instruction manual or training. No one gave you one to 'cope' with your own child and you managed. He manages to hold down a demanding job without being micromanaged.

I think I might be like your husband.

My son is just over 1. I always thought I'd be the most loving and hands on parent. Instead, well if my husband wrote how I have been for the last year or so it could very easily come across as though I had checked out or that I am not remotely interested in my son. I spotted how I felt very early on and have been treated for postnatal depression but even now I find myself doing as much work/random jobs around the house/anything that means I get time away. Not the odd hour either but the vast majority of the week. The longer I spend away the better I feel. I struggle having him on my own for any amount of time. Imagine how awful that makes me feel?

I too have an easy baby. I too would have been called quite selfless before this. It is a horrible situation to be in, and I feel so terrible that I feel this way. I love my family, my son, so so much, even if it doesn't show. I imagine if i was confronted about it I would get defensive too. However luckily I have been able to communicate my feelings and week by week things are getting better, its not easy on him but my husband found it better once he understood.

Someone suggested writing how you feel in an email, this will give him time to think. He might feel unable to say how he feels because he feels it is awful to feel that wat. Say that you love him, and that it doesn't make him a bad person if having a baby is tougher than he expected. Perhaps he isn't like me. But if he is, its really hard to admit.

Either way, you sound fantastic and very caring. I hope this works out for you.

Do you love your husband? Nowhere in your posts have you stated any feelings for him apart from as the mother of his child and all the things you do for him.

I don't know. I do care for him but seen as though he shows zero respect and puts zero effort into our marriage I wouldn't say I loved him, definitely not like I used to.

he was the most selfless and thoughtful person before this
thats because he was able to have things exactly as he wanted
now you are expecting him to do his fair share but he doesnt want to be inconvenienced by the extra burden
his response is to firmly (but quietly and with a smile on his face) do exactly as he pleases and leave you to pick up the slack, it's a technique designed to wrong foot/gaslight you

He isn't putting his family first. That isn't fair on you or your DS.

Whether you choose to have a serious conversation with him about it (sorry if you've already done this, I haven't read the full thread) or leave is your decision, but I'd definitely be wanting it to change. He isn't being a supportive partner, and he also isn't being a present father.

Give him an ultimatum. Eg, You need to spend X amount of time (say one hour) happily engaged with your son 5 days a week. If he can’t even commit to that, well...

But who would look after your son when you return to work?

You poor things. You and DS deserve Much, much better. Lay it on hte line; tell him if he's not interested in being part of the family that's fine, but if so he goes.

If he wants to stay and be a proper father and husband, then OK, but he needs to step up and step up now. Properly.

Don't waste time ameliorating, appeasing, avoiding upsetting him. He is bankrupt in terms of your patience and tolerance, and he has to change his attitude now and completely.

You and ds do deserve better.

You will only meet the right guy who wants to be a part of your lives if you are no longer with the wrong one, who doesn't.

What was the childcare plan once your leave ended? Why were you, on the much higher salary, going to stay home. Or was it still being discussed?

@Elskerdeg thank you, and be kind to yourself. The difference is it sounds like you have been courageous enough to be honest which is good, and have worked on things. I have been patient with him and I did initially put it down to feeling how you do, so have tried to help. I feel like perhaps the main issue is that he just doesn't love me anymore, and finds having a child a tie which makes it harder to walk away. I don't want him to stay if that's the case. It's hard as he doesn't really engage, if he can be open about how he is feeling maybe we have a chance. By some things he has said before I think he wishes he could turn back time and make different decisions, but I also loved our life before, and have adapted. I don't know, I guess we need to talk. Thank you being so open and giving another perspective though, it's really helped.

OH my lord, don''t stay in an unhappy marriage because of the house!
Just get a different house!

What was the childcare plan once your leave ended? Why were you, on the much higher salary, going to stay home. Or was it still being discussed?

The plan was always to go back after maternity leave, and it ends next month and fortunately my job is secure. We have a place at nursery, and although no settling in sessions because of covid, but the plan is to mainly use nursery and then family for one afternoon a week, which I am still going to do. I only mentioned my salary as I have paid half for everything and so I don't think it's him feeling like he is taking on all of the financial burden and getting stressed/feeling he needs to work flat out. Not that men should feel that way anyway, but it did cross my mind as to why he may feel so pressurised.

Darling. If you don’t love him and you aren’t happy what kind of life is that for you and your son. Life is too short. You deserve so much better. You sound like a fantastic accomplished woman and you should be treated as such.

It's your life and your marriage, OP, but my dd had a dad like that, though we'd split before she was born. She and he finally have a good relationship now that she is an adult.

I personally wouldn't bring a child up in an atmosphere of resentment with a father how couldn't care less about him, but that is your choice.

You sound like a fantastic accomplished woman and you should be treated as such
Indeed, I suspect he expects to be the star of the show and that's why he makes life all about his career and refuses to do any of the lower status caring work, so that he can feel like the 'alpha'