To leave DH as he can't cope with DS?

[Porgone]

Me and DH have been married for 8 years, we have a DS who is 11 months. I loathe the term, but as part of the background he is an 'easy' baby, in that he sleeps through the night, eats whatever, is content to entertain himself for a short while etc (it's relevant, and I know things will change!). DH has a stressful job, he puts a lot of additional hours in at home partly because he feels he can't say no to stuff, and partly as he is interested in it anyway. I am on mat leave still but will be returning to work soon, I earn nearly double what he does, and I'm excited to get back, it's what we agreed would happen before TTC. But now his life revolves around work, I do support him and am accomodating, but it's reached the point now where I feel I can't even leave DS with him whilst I have a shower or a bath as he then says he is behind with his work. He sleeps in until when he wants which is often well into the afternoon, and I'm left to do everything, honestly who wants to live like that? I did wonder whether it was depression and I've offered to support however I can, but the only acceptable support seems to be doing literally everything. He isn't abusive, has never raised his voice or anything to me in over a decade since we've been together; so I'm not scared of repracussions beyond him sulking and making me feel bad. He is also away with work a lot, usually a month in the US every few months, obviously he hasn't been recently because of covid and so I do go long periods completely alone.

I've just had enough, like my entire life revolves around his job, we never do anything together either. But I feel trapped because of the house, and knowing what he's like I don't want him to either have weekends with DS where he basically ignores him and makes him feel like a nuisance, or weekends not seeing him because that would also be heartbreaking for DS as he grows up I imagine. But I want more than this, I'm back to work next month and I have the priveledge I guess of not being worried financially, but I wouldn't be able to buy him out of his share of the house. Would be happy to sell and move or whatever, but I just don't know. If he is unhappy and struggling I do want to help, but not if it is just a case of me doing everything, worried about having 10 mins to myself. Or is it selfish to leave?

What I noticed is you’ve seemed to bury the lede here - only in later posts do you mention that neither your husband nor yourself are in love with the other any more.

Also to this point, I hadn't really thought about it before, I guess in denial, but being brutally honest, no, I dont feel we love each other. I mean he won't talk about it so I don't know how he feels, but nothing he does suggests he even cares about me anymore, let alone feels in love. I guess I am finding it harder to get past everything and keep just relying on how he was in the past as a light of hope, he won't ever be that person again. I suppose it's hard to admit, and only really reading these replies have I had the courage to be brutally honest with myself.

nothing he does suggests he even cares about me anymore, let alone feels in love

You need to think about what this is going to do to your sense of self-worth and mental health if you let it continue. I've been there (and am still there, to some extent).

DS's first six months almost killed my relationship with DH. DH was working very long hours in the office and didn't really help at all. It wasn't so much that it was hard (and it was hard...) but that I was doing it all by myself, even at weekends. I'm still resentful when I think about how alone and exhausted I felt while still trying to enjoy beautiful little DS all by myself. We attended every baby and toddler group going as a sort of emotional crutch for not getting support at home. When I told DH I wasn't coping, I was made to feel like the one with the problem.

What worked for us was DH admitting he should have helped more, DS becoming easier and more fun (he's great company now), getting out of the house and making lots of new friends (not an easy option in lockdown, I know ), going back to work part-time with other adults and getting some childcare and, lately, DH working from home and being much more involved in family life.

I'm not going to lie, though, we still have some major issues to work on... In particular, although I quite like DH and spending time with him, I'm not sure I love him or ever will again...I just can't get past the feelings of emotional abandonment I have from DS's early days and this has created distance between us. I don't really view him as someone to rely on anymore and I don't really talk to him about personal matters. I'm not sure if we'll be able to change this going forward.

@MessAllOver
I honestly don't get how anyone would get over what you have written.

Marriage is supposed to make you feel your partner has your back, never more so than when you have children.

Being wholly abandoned by your partner and made to feel weak for feeling alone is not something I would ever forget or forgive.

Your partner has shown you who he is, at his core. That is someone who doesn't have your back.

I could never have another child with someone like that.

I'm glad things have improved for you, largely through your own efforts.

Your husband deciding to participate is fine but it's about him doing what suits him and not doing what a good decent man would do.

You sound like a fantastic woman and mother, no wonder you are ambivalent about him, he's no prize.

Whatever YOU decide...
continue to protect yourself and your son. Do NOT rely on a man like him.

@billy1966. Thank you for your good wishes...I think unfortunately there's quite a lot of men who are like this when kids come along and it is difficult to predict beforehand. And, of course, DH would see it from a different perspective...he would say he is working all hours to provide for DS and give him the best (material) start in life. I'm not saying his perspective is the right one, but he would in good faith see the situation differently from me.

I don't know if this is useful, OP, but I've found it helps to be very honest and dispassionate with myself about my reasons for staying:

• I worked in the same sector as DH pre-DS. It is very well-remunerated but the work is stressful and (very) long hours are standard. So I can't pretend that I don't understand the realities of DH's job (though that doesn't give him a 'free pass' to do bugger all else, in my book). During that period, he would often come home at 3am, sleep for a couple of hours, have a shower and then leave for work again at 7am. So I wasn't the only one who was sleep-deprived and sleep deprivation makes people behave badly towards each other.
• DH earns very well and we have a very high standard of living. I can stay home or (my choice) work part-time in work that interests me without having to worry about how we pay the bills/mortgage. I get to maintain some financial independence and still spend lots of time with DS. Though I would never criticise mothers who work full-time as I think that is far safer financially than being a SAHM.
• We may not be emotionally close any longer but we genuinely enjoy each other's company and have lots of shared interests. That's why we got together pre-DS.
• DH (even when exhausted) is never sulky, grumpy or abusive. He is usually very pleasant and friendly (in a housemate sort of way). He is occasionally moany if DS and I have messed up the house particularly badly or got paint all over the kitchen, but we just ignore him and he shuts up. He does refuse to talk about our relationship issues and brushes them away, which is a big black mark against him and will probably be the reason why I leave him, if that's the decision I make.
• When around, DH is very affectionate and loving to DS. They have a fantastic bond and DS is so happy when daddy is there. DH takes DS out regularly at weekends or when he is on holiday so I have some time to myself.
• I don't cook for DH or clean up after him. We have a cleaner and I just do the bare minimum the rest of the time. DS and I frequently have 'picnics' in the garden so I don't have to cook at all, or I'll whack some fish fingers in the oven and get takeout for me. I've no intention of turning into a domestic slave. DH knows that if he moans about anything in the house, he'll be told to clean it up himself.

It's not ideal and I have thought about whether I'd be happier going it alone. But the truth is that it's not awful either and DH and I are largely respectful to each other, even if slightly emotionally detached. I have lots of single mum friends from the baby groups we went to, and I know what a tough time they have (I have a huge deal of admiration and respect for them). And, of course, if leaving turns out to be the right thing to do, it will become a lot easier, both practically and financially, when DS is in school.

I realise that most of the above won't necessarily apply to your situation, OP, but it might be helpful for you to make your own list.

"Don’t you feel furious with him? I’d be incandescent by now I think."

This. If DH had stayed in bed until 3pm at weekends at any point during the first year of DS's life, I would not have been responsible for my actions.

(With the obvious exception of illness or whatever!)

3pm is an insult,

This sounds extremely similar to my experience. DH was/is obsessed by his work and although he does wake up extremely early he "needs" a nap every single day. So he'd be out of the house for 8-10hrs, come home and make a massive show of being brutally tired and exhausted by a tough day (but this is literally every day so I don't take it seriously anymore). Then sleep for 2 hrs while I continue taking care of the baby, or try to cook alone in the meantime.

DD was a difficult baby as well and cried non-stop for the first 4 months of her life. Aside from short predictable walks, I was basically housebound for a year because it was impossible to visit friends or taking longer trips with her. Not surprisingly I developed PND/PNA but DH didn't seem interested at all and would seem to take delight in triggering me further to show how irrational I was being. Eg if I asked him to let the baby porridge cool down a bit or blow on it, he'd deliberately shove a hot spoonful into DD's mouth because he hated me telling him what to do. If I asked him to take care of DD (9-14 months back then) for a few hours, he'd give her coke, crisps and chocolate so obviously I learned not leave her alone with him on a regular basis.

It was sad because we had an extremely good relationship/marriage in the 8 years before having a child. However we also had an easy life with virtually no financial/personal worries so I think that masked a lot of the cracks. Reading other accounts on MN, I strongly suspect he has undiagnosed Aspergers which means he's unable to imagine other people's feelings (mine) and will lash out if his routine is disturbed.

In any case, just like you, I genuinely considered ending the marriage however I tried to give it a logical framework as below:

• I first thought of leaving when DD was around 5 months. However at this point I was extremely sleep deprived and mentally battered so I knew I was not in a rational place to make good decisions. I decided to set a deadline of summer 2020 (when DD would be 1.5 yrs) because I felt that was long enough of a timeframe to see things in better perspective.

• Whenever things felt bad I kept reminding myself "Summer 2020" and managed to hold on longer. Sometimes just having a plan can make you feel better since you have an escape route.

• Things were up and down for the first 14 months, however as DD began sleeping longer, I felt myself having more good days than bad. DH hasn't changed at all but things that used to bother me don't affect me as much and I learned to genuinely enjoy doing many things with DD alone.

• Hit a rough patch just before lockdown but then lockdown happened so I realised there wasn't much point ending the marriage anyway. However miraculously, DH learned to "be a dad" during lockdown because he was forced to spend time with her.

• I know the description above doesn't paint the full picture but things really turned a corner from 15-18 months. Now it's summer 2020 and I decided our marriage/family is worth staying for. I've learned that DH cannot handle the baby phase (most likely due to undiagnosed but very clear signs of Aspergers), however he loves DD a lot and wants to be part of her life.

A huge number of issues came from the immense strain of having a baby and me not being able to work, however that's a temporary situation that will never repeat itself again. Ending the marriage may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you give it another year or so then things could be entirely different. Some men are terrible with babies but entirely different with kids/teenagers who they can talk and spend time with.

As PP mentioned above, things are often not ideal but they're also not awful. You muddle through the younger years while sleep deprived, tired, snappy but at some point all babies grow up. They go to nursery, kindergarten, school and you will get to work again.

I was in a not dissimilar position when mine was that age although DH was working abroad mainly. In the end I basically told him that unless he brought home the earnings of the Chairman of ICI and therefore could pay to farm out all of the domestic responsibilities then he could stop acting like the Chairman of ICI and pull his weight. To be fair he got it and he more than has.

Given that you are about to go back to work I'd draw up a list of all the things that need to be done re home and childcare in the evenings and weekends. Give him a copy and ask him to mark up with a highlighter pen the 50% he will be doing. Give him a deadline for doing it and tell him if he hasn't done it then you'll do the allocation for both of you and that it won't be negotiable. Do you have separate finances or an allowance for personal spends each? I would explain that if he can't do his tasks because he is "working" then he will need to source someone to do his task for him and pay for it out of his own money. SO if he CBA to get up until 3pm at the weekend then he needs to find someone to come in at 7am and look after the child until 3pm etc etc...

@MessAllOver
Sounds like you are making it work for you.
Good call👍

@MessAllOver
I just wanted to offer some solidarity.
I personally will never get over some of the thing's my DH said/did during the first 6 months/year of our DC's life even though I can rationalise where they came from.
However he is now a wonderful Dad and partner and I have no intention of ending the marriage. But I just don't feel the same. It was such an utter betrayal.

@User214934514
I think if I was ever asked for advice by a new parent, the only true thing I have gained from my experience is (as long as your relationship is not abusive etc) just don't divorce for the first 18 months. Even if you want to, wait till 18 months and evaluate. Sleep (well lack of it) does play a role, and for Dads that aren't suited to the baby phase they are so different by then, and hopefully everyone will have adjusted a bit more and there is a feeling of some relief/seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it sounds like silly nonsense when you're in it, but there's value in waiting.

Good luck in all your relationships ladies x

@Broomfondle. You're right, "betrayal" is the right word. It's hard to trust someone who has betrayed you by not being there when you should have been going through everything together. And so DH isn't really a big part of my emotional life anymore. As a result, I make very little effort and have become quite selfish in some respects... A petty example - I always buy him the same (expensive) bottle of wine for birthdays and Christmas because it requires zero effort or thought on my part and I can't be bothered spending MY time researching exciting gifts for him when he couldn't be bothered to help when I needed it.

Though OP, I'd agree that you don't need to make any decisions immediately. You can wait till you have your (emotional) ducks more in a row. It's between 1-2 years that babies start to become real little people and can do a lot more, so dads often start shaping up and getting more involved. The question is then whether you can forgive them for being so shit when you needed them in the difficult early months.

I wouldn't worry about his access to DS when/if you split, he will either take the minimum possible access (given how lazy and disengaged he is) or he may become a Disney dad.

Don't let it put you off from leaving. At the moment you're pretty much just there to provide him with the status of a wife and child, and doing all the resultant work.