Mum died 11 years ago tonight - anyone else understand this?

[Ilikeviognier]

Feeling fragile today. My mum died right in front of me 11 years ago tonight. I was 30. She never met my kids, which really kills me. My father also died within 2 years so I’ve had to navigate the world without them for so long I can barely remember them being around.

For some reason, I need to acknowledge the anniversary - and it’s like no one else in the world will. My brother is my only surviving relative and he never remembers stuff like this. He thinks I’m morbid I think for remembering.....And in a way he’s right- it doesn’t serve any real purpose does it?

Anyone else experiencing similar? None of my peers really get it and still all have their folks very much alive.

Oh OP. My mother died on July 31st in 2004. She never met my children either and my dad died two years ago. I have no siblings.

I get it. There are no words to make it ok but just to let you know that I know how it feels. Losing your mother is like losing your very anchor in life. When you are scared or ill all you want is your mum and it’s so so painful knowing it’s the one thing you can’t have. I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and big hugs to you x

I get it. Take the time you need to reflect. Xxx

I’m very sorry for your loss .

Anniversaries are so hard, we lost my little brother 11 years ago and even though it feels like everyone else has moved on, I still struggle with the anniversary. Another year passing, looking at the clock and thinking “this time 11 years ago..”

Be kind to yourself today OP x

Had written a longer post but on phone and accidentally deleted it.. Meant to add.. Remembering times and dates isn't morbid. It's your way of dealing with things and is important if it gives you comfort. Take the time you need to reflect and remember the moment. It's so tough xxxx

I totally understand where you’re coming from, it’s coming up to two years since my Mum died & the anniversary of that day still resonates very strongly & I can’t imagine that will ever change.

Interestingly, my Mum & I had quite a bit of time to discuss her death before it happened & she said that she never felt the need to focus on the anniversary of her father’s death & would focus more on his birthday - other happier dates to remember him on.

My nephew shares a birthday with my Mum - which was yesterday & I hadn’t really thought about it until my SIL mentioned it in a text.

I think the death of such a close loved one & the grief that endures is a very personal thing but that can make it feel very lonely.

My condolences for your losses, be kind to yourself whilst you’re feeling vulnerable. Reach out to loved ones if you need support - they might not understand but they’ll want to support you.

I’m so sorry for your losses too. Thanks for replying. It helps. to you all.

Yes that’s it “this time 11 years ago”. I feel sick thinking about it.

Would you like to share something about your mom with us xx

I get it too, I lost my mum on July 21st 2017. A day I will never forget. I agree with pp that losing your mum is like losing your anchor in life, so painful, and in my experience with each anniversary it gets more difficult as I just miss her so so much. Sending you hugs xx

Thanks guys.

It’s nice to not feel alone in this, if that makes sense. Having kids is harder too as it’s so hard knowing she never met them.

My dad died on February 7, 1999 and my mom died on December 15, 2001. I was 21 and 24, respectively. My dad saw my son, but he was already in the hospital and died two weeks after my son was born. My mom knew my eldest son, and met my middle son, but she was dealing with her own illness at that time. Neither of them met my daughter. It's pretty shit. My bother is the only person who truly understands. Do you have siblings?

My mum died 10 years ago this month. I always think of her on the day. She met my DC but died when they were babies/preschoolers. I feel so disappointed and sad that she missed seeing them grow up and develop their personalities, and that they have grown up missing a GP. (The youngest has no memory of her at all) My Ddad died last year.
I (selfishly) feel jealous of all the emotional post lockdown reunions with parents knowing I wont get that.

One. But he doesn’t seem to appreciate the need to remember anniversaries in the same way. He’s more pragmatic than me I think.

I get it too. My mum died 3 years ago. I could howl ...she knew me warts n all......remembering dates/times is not morbid.Be kind to yourself xxxx

I understand. My mum died nearly 11 years ago too, when I was in my twenties, before I got married or had kids.

You are allowed to mark it however you want.

My mum said to ds2..'I am so sad I won't see you grown up'.....x

Mother- yes. My eldest is 5 and he told me yesterday how sad he was only having one set of grandparents. . I felt so guilty.

My mum died when I was pregnant and I was 40. Am an only child. My dad died when I was 30. Very few understand. Most people have their parents a lot longer.

Polly - yes. Exactly that’s exactly it.

I get it. I don’t make a big thing about my mum and dad’s anniversaries, it’s a very personal thing to me but it is a part of the grief that doesn’t ever go away. Your feelings are valid and normal.

I sympathise and I’m sorry for your loss. It’ll be 8 years in a couple of weeks for me. Some years it goes by and I barely realised it’s past, others it’s like the first day all over again. I was 25 at the time and like you, my mother never met my children which I wholeheartedly agree, hurts like hell because she would have thought they were magnificent.
It’s often the small things I realise that I never realised before even now, that knock me for six. The other day I thought Mum would know what I should do because she knows me better than anyone. Except, she doesn’t know the person I am now though, 8 years is a very long time when you’re relatively young. That was a bad day.

I understand - just recently had the 5th anniversary of mum dying, she died the year before I had my twins and it has been so hard without her. I struggle every year on that date - on her birthday, on Mother’s Day, on my birthday. I don’t know if it will ever get easier. Sending to you

Lost my mum 10 years ago back in june, was 20, she will miss my entire adult life. Totally understand recognising the anniversary, i always do.

It's 20 years since mine died, when I was 20. It still breaks my heart that she'll never know my kids and they'll never know her. I understand how you feel, it's normal. It hits me harder some years than others. Go easy on yourself, it's okay to find it hard.

What do people do to remember on a significant day?
I usually light a candle, listen to the music that reminds me of her, and usually have some bubbles.
My parents both died by the time I was 41, which I know is well into adulthood, and longer than a lit if others. My siblings understand obviously, my DH doesnt seem to get how hard it is as he has both parents (and is v close to them)

My DF died aged 54, he never met my DC and my DM was killed in a car accident age 69. I remember their dates of death. It's coming up to my mums. I usually keep it to myself as LC with sibling but light a candle in the evening. I feel I have to mark the day in some way.