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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum died 11 years ago tonight - anyone else understand this?

108 replies

Ilikeviognier · 12/07/2020 17:20

Feeling fragile today. My mum died right in front of me 11 years ago tonight. I was 30. She never met my kids, which really kills me. My father also died within 2 years so I’ve had to navigate the world without them for so long I can barely remember them being around.

For some reason, I need to acknowledge the anniversary - and it’s like no one else in the world will. My brother is my only surviving relative and he never remembers stuff like this. He thinks I’m morbid I think for remembering.....And in a way he’s right- it doesn’t serve any real purpose does it?

Anyone else experiencing similar? None of my peers really get it and still all have their folks very much alive.

OP posts:

Motherdaughter · 12/07/2020 20:56

I get it too. Its been 8yrs for me, mum died when my youngest was a couple of weeks old so she met the kids but she's left such a massive hole in my life. Like you, most of my friends still have parents and even grandparents. It's very untethering to be the last one who remembers.

spagbog5 · 12/07/2020 21:03

The irreplaceable feeling is one of the hardest things to deal with. I realised a long time ago that when something good or bad happens I always had this need to talk about it with people a lot. Then it dawned on me that it was because the two people I wanted to tell/ talk to weren't here so no matter how much I talked/ told people it would never be enough as the void is too great to fill as they are irreplaceable .
I hope that makes sense !

averylongtimeago · 12/07/2020 21:05

It's ok to grieve. But remember the love and laughter too.
Mum died dec 22nd 1999. You never forget, even if those around you do.
She never saw her great grandchildren- but I have told her all about them. I share memories of her, funny stories and silly things so they know of her.

averylongtimeago · 12/07/2020 21:05

Kittykat93 · 12/07/2020 21:05

@Grandmi thank you so much, means a lot from a stranger. :)

Original poster

Ilikeviognier · 12/07/2020 21:12

Spagbog5 yes!!! I can totally relate yo that.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 12/07/2020 21:15

I get it OP. My Dad died in January of this year. Nobody mentions him at all now, just 6 months down the line. Not even my siblings. I think of and miss him every single day. I hid away on Father's Day. I'm thinking on his birthday in October I will light a candle, say Happy Birthday then take myself out for the day, somewhere nice and peaceful.

Acknowledge the anniversary however you want to💐

Butteredtoast55 · 12/07/2020 21:17

spagbog5
That's very well put. One of the hardest things after my Mum died was having no-one with whom to share the kind of nonsense we'd talk about...we never ran out of news and stuff to natter about! Nobody is as interested in the minutae of my life as she was!
I really miss her and I also really miss being her daughter, if that makes sense. We are women, wives, mothers, friends. ..but we've always been daughters and when your parents are gone then you are no longer that person to someone. I found that terribly hard to deal with.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 12/07/2020 21:22

I get it. My aunt (close in age to me and more like a big sister) died 11 years ago. I still find the anniversary incredibly hard. On the anniversary I always message my cousin (her daughter), not mentioning my aunt specifically but making sure she knows I am thinking of her and remembering the day as well.

50shadesoflunacy · 12/07/2020 21:35

I am sorry for your loss OP and the pain you feel. I am not sure if this brings a bit of a different perspective; my lovely Mum died on my birthday. In a way it gives me a reason to not reflect too deeply on the actual date she died. The way I see it is that I had her for over 40 years and to be reflective and sad on one date seems a little bit pointless. That's not to say I'm not sad, I am absolutely devastated and she would be too if she had known. I know with absolute certainty that my Mum would want me to celebrate my birthday as I always have done. I am reflective and a little sad most days and in all honesty, for me the anticipation of important dates have so far, always been worse than the reality. I think all that have been through it know that the process is different for everyone and there is no one size fits all way to grieve. Not sure if any of that makes sense but just wanted to send you my best wishes and

undercoveraessedai · 12/07/2020 21:36

Sending to all of you.

I lost my Dad in 2017, when I was 31, and life will never be quite the same again. What a pp said about losing your anchor resonates. I'm lucky to still have my Mum and I'm really close to her, but as a single, childfree, only child, I dread losing her.

Although I talk to Dad often and I don't feel fatherless - he'll always be my Dad and I'll always be his daughter, regardless of whether we're alive or not, and the same with Mum.

@spagbog5 I've screenshot and saved your words about telling people things - you've put into words what I couldn't.

Strangely although I'm so sad for all of you and I carry my own sadness with me all the time, knowing there are other people who understand has really comforted me this evening.

looselegs · 12/07/2020 21:39

I get it!
19 years since I lost my Dad and I love and miss him every day.I always go to the crematorium and take flowers.
My brother never goes.
People grieve differently. Your way isn't wrong, however neither is his x

Hocuspocusandfairies · 12/07/2020 21:47

Spagbog, I completely understand that feeling of seeing how much our parents have missed out on things such as grandchildren growing up etc. I don't know about anybody else but I find it gets harder(at least it does for me) as more time passes as there is more things that they've missed out on and the not being able to share news or ask for advice.

My eldest was 5 when my mom died and my youngest was just -7 months. My eldest was 9 months when my dad died and he obviously didn't meet my other children. It's all so terribly sad.

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow · 12/07/2020 22:14

Sorry for your loss. I empathise, and I don’t think it’s morbid to remember these dates. Especially when you have children, sometimes it feels like there isn’t the time or headspace for your grief day to day, and that these dates are the only time you can give yourself to prioritise your own grief, to allow yourself to just feel those feelings for a while, before you pick yourself up again and carry on.
We’re thinking of you OP.

VallarMorghulis · 12/07/2020 22:24

Oh OP I know just how you feel, I lost my mum at 32, she died in front of me, she never met my child. It's okay to grieve, I still miss her over 20 years later. Big hugs to you

VallarMorghulis · 12/07/2020 22:24

Oh OP I know just how you feel, I lost my mum at 32, she died in front of me, she never met my child. It's okay to grieve, I still miss her over 20 years later. Big hugs to you

Kolo · 12/07/2020 22:26

@ilikevoigner weirdly it's the anniversary of my mums death today too. She died 14 years ago. Every single year, as I approach July 12th, my emotions are like a pressure cooker. I try to keep myself to myself during the week/days running up to it (easier this year in lockdown!) and then it feels like a release the next day on July 13th.

I swore I'd never 'celebrate' this anniversary. But I do now take time to spend with my family (my mum never met my kids either) and I can't help but think of my mum. Grief still has the power to hit me like running into a brick wall despite the time since she died.

So yes, I do get you. It's difficult to explain the loss of your mum to someone who hasn't. It's not just the actual person that's gone, it's like your history goes too. The person who brought you into the world and who could answer any questions about when you were a baby. My dad has also since died.

You spend 12th July however you feel like. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - it's not got anything to do with them.

VallarMorghulis · 12/07/2020 22:26

Sorry for the double post

Clawdy · 12/07/2020 22:26

I prefer to remember my mum on her birthday, I always buy some lovely flowers and light candles and go through the memories. But it's whatever comforts you that's important.

Clockworkprincess · 12/07/2020 22:33

I had a wobble today. Lost my mum nearly 4 years ago and its hard. Had to take ds4 shopping for a birthday card for his grandma and all i could think about is that my mums birthday is next week and we should have been picking one out for her. She met ds but died before he turned one and we had near to no time to prepare. I know i spend the anniversary thinking of her and we usually light a candle for her, i tell ds stories about her so he is starting to feel like he knows her.

VallarMorghulis · 12/07/2020 22:44

I also like to remember my mum on her birthday, I pick a little bunch of flowers from the garden like I always did as a child.

Ginkypig · 12/07/2020 22:55

My dad died at 4:44am (I know the date obviously but won't put it here) 14 years ago. He had what we thought was flu but less than 12 hours of being admitted to hospital with what actually turned to be bacterial meningitis and pneumonia he unexpectedly lapsed into a coma due to a huge stroke he was dead within 2 1/2 weeks. By the time I got to the hospital he was already unconscious then the coma so I never had the chance to talk to him before he died.

My life is irreversibly split into life before he died and life after.

I'm ok, I get on with life and don't "go on" about it or even talk very often about him actually but on the date of his death I remember him and I am sad not on purpose and I don't plan to but I do. Even on that day I remember him on my own usually.
I miss him very often still and I think I will for rest of my life but i also live too if that makes sense, it doesn't stop me doing anything but losing him is something I live with.

keeprocking · 12/07/2020 23:04

My OH died at the start of lockdown, nothing to do with CV, and what upset me more than anything else was that he had been upset that we wouldn't be able to have our granddaughter to stay over Easter, the others had stayed over the weekend before. The fact that he will never see them all grow up upsets me more than anything else, after 52 years you know that it's got to end but it still hurts.

feelingsomewhatlost · 12/07/2020 23:04

yes, I understand

I lost my mum when I was 24, she will never know my future partner or future children luckily I've found a lovely little community online and we have a WhatsApp chat, there are about 15 of us all in our twenties & early thirties and whenever there's a significant day coming up we put a message in the group and get some nice ones back from people who just 'get it'. I hope today was as okay as it can be and that maybe you can put aside some time for a bit of self-care, whatever that may be x

Chilledchablis · 12/07/2020 23:14

@FreezerBird so sorry for your loss. I felt exactly the same when I lost my mum. Couldn't cry or feel anything much for several weeks. My theory is that you go a bit numb and the magnitude of the loss hits gradually so please take care of yourself. Thinking of you ❤️

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