Mum died 11 years ago tonight - anyone else understand this?

[Ilikeviognier]

Feeling fragile today. My mum died right in front of me 11 years ago tonight. I was 30. She never met my kids, which really kills me. My father also died within 2 years so I’ve had to navigate the world without them for so long I can barely remember them being around.

For some reason, I need to acknowledge the anniversary - and it’s like no one else in the world will. My brother is my only surviving relative and he never remembers stuff like this. He thinks I’m morbid I think for remembering.....And in a way he’s right- it doesn’t serve any real purpose does it?

Anyone else experiencing similar? None of my peers really get it and still all have their folks very much alive.

@FreezerBird, so sorry

@TheGroak your mum would always know you as I think we only change subtly as the years pass?
My lovely mum died in October 19 2016, I think about her every day and some days it still feels like yesterday. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact I’ll never see her in this lifetime and anniversary’s, birthdays, Christmas are all times we wish our loved ones were here. I will always remember the day she passed. I think we never ‘get over’ kissing someone so central in our lives but live along side it, no matter how many years pass xx

Missing not kissing

Thank you @Murphs1. I really appreciate that.

Not at all @Ilikeviognier. It’s important to know you’re not alone

I get it. I lost my mum two years ago on Thursday. I will go to her "spot" and spend some time just thinking, walking and chatting to thin air.

I am very grateful that she got to spend a few years with my kids, that she saw my wedding but she died 4 days before we got the keys to our first house and we should have been going round Ikea together bitching about the weird lamps and arguing about which chairs to buy.

I'm an only child so have no one apart from my stepdad to share it with.

I'm sorry for everyone on here's losses.

I totally get it. My mum died 20 years ago when my DS was only 18 months. It upsets me that he doesn’t remember her. My sister and I always remember the day but never refer to it but will do something to remember her like having some of her favourite flowers in the house. My dad however has a need to acknowledge it by reminding us what day it is ( we would never forget ) but I think he needs to ensure we’re all remembering. I just accept it as something he needs to do. I get through it by telling myself it’s just a day like any other and it will pass like any other. It’s no different really she’s still not here.

This is actually giving me a lot of comfort.
Thank you everybody

I get it - I'm in my 50s and my mum died nearly 30 years ago when I was in my 20s. No-one else remembers the date (although I think my brother is always pleased when I tell him). For many years it was a big thing for me, nowadays I just raise a glass to my mum in the evening.

I get it - I'm in my 40s and my dad died when I was 14. Mum died suddenly when I was 23, and on Christmas Eve. She never saw my eldest daughter's first birthday, or met my younger daughter. I always remember the date for dad, and we light a candle every year for mum on the evening of Christmas Eve to remember her.

Thinking of you. My mum died on the early hours of my DS's 17 birthday. Every year I make sure the day is about him, not her, but raise a glass to her on my own.

My dad died 6 years ago this month, I never forget the date as it is also my wedding anniversary. I always go to the crematorium where his ashes are interred and have a wee natter.

Ds was 10 when dad died, they had a great relationship but ds doesn't remember much about him now, wish dad had been here to see him grow up, he has missed out on so much.

It isn't a downer to think about him around the date, spending some time remembering and taking about him is a pleasure.

Dates like this are significant as it means another year has gone by without a loved one, it really stops you in your tracks and you remember exactly what happened on that day. It almost stops you in your tracks and makes you reflect.

Very much like you I have lost both parents within 18 months of each other and I’m 30. The dates will stay with me forever and almost mean something

I hear you all.
I try to think of my parents as having lives that were completed, not lives that ended. Subtle but important difference.
My DDad died before I met my husband, never got to give me away, never met any of his grandchildren.

People who have lost their parents get it, those who still have them just don't.

Do whatever you feel like doing to help you deal with it.

My mum died 22 years ago. On the anniversary of her death I still feel sad every anniversary

My mum died in 1996 ,24 years ago.
I was 23 , my brother was 19.
Our dad lost his reason to live and was never the same after she passed and died 14 years ago - a shell of the man he was.
She never met my husband, children or my brothers children.
My dad was at my wedding but my poor brother got married with no parents alive and no parents alive when his children were born.
We support each other through anniversaries but both feel a terrible sense of unfairness and loss still to this day.
My friends still have their parents and we are late 40's onwards. It seems so incredibly unfair what they both have missed out on as well as what we have.
Life for us and our children would have been so much fuller even though we are both incredibly happy .
I guess all you on this thread may understand that too.

Totally get it. I've not lost a parent yet, so can only imagine what you're going through. When it's an anniversary of a death of someone else though, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is remember the good times. Try not to think about the fact she is gone, but remember the fun times, any moments you shared together. Tell us about them if you want if you can't or don't want to tell anyone else. But try not to think about the negatives, only positive things.

@KeepingPlain

Sorry but you really don't get it if you still have your parents.

Sending hugs

What @spagbog5 said.

But try not to think about the negatives, only positive things

@KeepingPlain I dont want to invalidate any grief you have been through, so I’m choosing my words carefully but generally speaking the grief you feel for a parent isn’t quite the same as the grief you fee for anyone else. I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse but very different and I’m speaking as a person that has lost a fair amount of people for my age. The above advice from your post isn’t very wise if I’m honest. If what I’ve learnt from my own experiences and extensive therapy is anything to go by, you have to think about the negatives to accept them as deep grief is a process you must move through and the negative thoughts and feelings are part of that. If you don’t, you just end up with them popping up at a later date, by which time they can be more damaging.

@spagbog5 you described how it feels completely, in regards to life being fuller.

Thanks all. Yes, I’m finding that the sheer irrreplaceability of my mum is what I can’t deal with. And how I feel so robbed of the grandparent relationship with my kids. Having my 5 year old comment on it is awful as it’s like it’s now affecting him too .

@KeepingPlain grieving for a parent is different but loss is loss regardless of who it is. I personally also find it comforting to think about the good times and try to feel the love more than the loss, though that’s not always easy.

I lost my dad when I'd just turned 33 and my mom when I was 36. My dad had a prolonged illness and suffered terribly and my mom was very sudden. Time goes on but life will never be quite the same again. Also have no siblings and as someone described, it feels like I've lost my anchor. I'm not always unhappy but there is always that empty feeling

Yes I get it. Both mine died within 2 years of each other when I was in my mid 20s. It does weird things to you that you don't always see coming.
I'm now older than they were when they died. It's very very odd.