Mum died 11 years ago tonight - anyone else understand this?

[Ilikeviognier]

Feeling fragile today. My mum died right in front of me 11 years ago tonight. I was 30. She never met my kids, which really kills me. My father also died within 2 years so I’ve had to navigate the world without them for so long I can barely remember them being around.

For some reason, I need to acknowledge the anniversary - and it’s like no one else in the world will. My brother is my only surviving relative and he never remembers stuff like this. He thinks I’m morbid I think for remembering.....And in a way he’s right- it doesn’t serve any real purpose does it?

Anyone else experiencing similar? None of my peers really get it and still all have their folks very much alive.

I lost my Dad in 2017, it was sudden and awful. My mum died last year and my big sister in May. All of them were sudden and out of nowhere. I completely understand the feeling of losing your anchor as I’ve lost all of mine. I have no remaining links to childhood or youth. I’m 31. My dads death left me feeling shattered, I picked myself up and began rebuilding when my mum died and I was more pragmatic as I felt I’d already been through hell once and I could face it and when my sister died I felt numb. I’ve been numb ever since and I’m glad. It’s clear from this thread that you are not alone in how you feel op and I’m very sorry for your loss and pain 💓

Sympathies to you all. It’s heartbreaking. Losing a parent is like a hidden grief- because it’s “expected” that they’ll go before you it’s as if people don’t realise the loss remains devastating. It is indeed the loss of your anchor in life.

Thinking of you OP, and all those who have lost a parent

For me it isn't even so much the actual day but the dates leading up to it. To know whats coming up. I tend to be very down or agitated before but ok on the actual day. My DH passed July 4th 2016. So sorry for your loss OP x

I have purposely forgotten the date my dad died in 2004. I know it was in April but I don’t want to remember that anniversary. I think about him often, and in particular on his birthday. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just how I deal with it. for you today, though.

Nothing in particular to add, it will be 18 years this year since I lost my mum age 15. Even after all this time the date is unbearable for me. She never met my husband, or any of my children and I’m increasingly sad I just never really knew her because I never knew her as an adult. It’s been harder since my maternal grandmother has also died, now there’s not really anyone left who will talk about her with me

Op I get it. My mum died suddenly when I was 16 - 27yrs ago. I still find the build up to the date and the actual date weird. I reread my childhood diaries from around that time and in the week before she died my diary entries were about which boy I fancied and which teacher I hated - I find it so strange looking back knowing that I didn’t know what was going to happen. It does get easier - I have quite a dark sense of humour and I get through it with crap jokes like calling my sister and saying ‘ffs she didn’t even empty the dishwasher first 😂” it’s not morbid. I think of it as the sliding door moment - how much has since hinged on that minute she died.
I hope that makes sense!

My dad died 2 years ago in August, I was 29, I think when a parent dies, your life with them is wiped away, especially as they years go on and you suddenly realise that you haven't had them around

Mum died thirty years ago, when I was in my early 30's, Dad died forty years ago.
They never met my husband - but I made them a wedding invitation!

I remember their anniversaries, I mourn their loss, sometimes I cry.

Your feelings are real and I get it ; you are in my thoughts.

Lost my mum 10 years ago. I remember the circumstances very clearly - I was living abroad at the time, was traveling home to see her and she passed while I was at Schiphol airport waiting for my connecting flight to Newcastle. But oddly, I don't remember the precise date, so it's not an anniversary that impinges on me. Her birthday, on the other hand, does. And, to a lesser extent, Christmas. Mother's Day not so much, especially now I have a young child of my own and we have our own Mother's Day rituals to establish. Dad is still alive, and he doesn't make a big thing out of the anniversary either. It's accepted that we'll handle things in our own ways.

None of that means that it doesn't hurt, or that I don't care. It's just a different reaction and an individual response. You do what works for you, and what seems most appropriate to your mum's memory.

I lost my parents at the age of 21. They both died infront of me. I'm now 27 and my life is still destroyed. I'm half the person I was before. I have a son, a beautiful child, and every single day I think how life could have been and it makes me feel angry and so so sad.

I don't know what the answer is. But I get the anniversary thing. I'm always really upset on those days and like to mark it just for myself.

Mums are so irreplaceable .My darling mum died suddenly in 2014 and I can remember I was eating a sandwich when I got the terrible phone call . I have not eaten that kind of sandwich since . I also have really bad anxiety if I eat when I am hungry in case the phone rings again . Bereavement effects everyone differently and there is not a rule book we need to follow.Sending you kind thoughts OP 💐

Totally understand this. I still remember a school friend's death day from 30 years ago when the date comes around. Condolences for your loss. Nothing wrong with remembering her in the way that works for you.

Kitty kat ...am so sorry that you have had such sadness at such a young age .💐Xx

I understand, my dad died in 2004 when I was 9 and I still remember the anniversary, it's gotten easier but I always feel sad on the day and I let myself think about all the things he's missed out on in my life.

I’m with you OP My mom was always there, if the phone rang it was her, she was the phone, it broke me to know that she’d never ring again. I think I’ll probably always grieve her. She was lovely & I was so lucky to have her.

Oh I get it. My Mother dIed 5 minutes to midnight one Thursday. It was a long time before I could bear to be awake at that time. It was 27 years ago and I still !miss her. I get quite cross when friend s.who still have their parents grumble about t hem. They haven't g ot a clue about how they will feel. Be kind to yourself Op.

My youngest DC was born 2 weeks before my DM died. I celebrate those 2 weeks every year, to remember these two weeks were the ones my whole family were here. Then on the anniversary of her death, the celebration turns to quiet remembrance and grief. Every year.
I get it OP.

My dad died when I was 21 - my daughter wasn't even thought of. There is a strong cultural thing in my family about marking anniversaries of deaths. I never seem to remember to do it, always have to be reminded but I really don't think it is strange or morbid for you to remember. I think it's odd that I don't, although I do think about my dad every day even over 20 years later.

The day my mum died was the saddest day of my life. I always feel a little bit of me went with her.

I lost my mother 26 years ago when I was 19. Every year as her anniversary approaches I get tearful and upset. As someone else said, the actual day isn't usually as bad, as I've gone through all the emotions during the preceding weeks. But I do find myself looking at the clock regularly throughout the day thinking about what was happening at that particular time on the day she died. She died at 4.10 in the afternoon and I always pause at that moment to think of her.
It breaks my heart that I never got to have an adult relationship with her or that she never got to meet my children. I have 3 sisters but they were all married with children when she died and don't quite understand how I feel.
There was a piece on Women's Hour this week about motherless daughters which I found very moving.
Be kind to yourself OP and mark the day in whatever way is comfortable for you.

I get it. DDad died 25 years ago - he never bet my DH or DC, and actually never met one of his DGC who was 2 when DDad died.

The day DDad died, will always be that day first, and my niece’s birthday second. I’m always aware when it’s his birthday, and how old he’d have been. Often, I’ll see things in shops and catalogues that I’d think would be a good present for him.

Anniversaries are hard, but as they become less raw in time, I find that they are a good time to stop and reflect.

My DC know about “Grandpa M”, and we have a photo. but sadly none that show his glorious red hair, which silvered very quickly. We talk about him. My eldest nephew doesn’t remember him, but he comes up naturally in conversation when I am with him and my brother. I kept my maiden name for a very long time, snob still use it at work. I don’t feel that I belong to either DH or DDad, but I do feel that using the name I was born with keeps a connection with Dad.

It’s ok not to be ok. The people who you miss are the people who nurtured you.

There have been a few threads recently about how we react to bereavement and reassurances that there is no right way. It's funny that we need them in a way because I'm sure everyone would rationally agree that everyone is different and no-one's grief is wrong. However I think when you're in it (however long ago it was) you really do need that reassurance.

My mum died two days ago. So far apart from a little sadness when I got the news I feel fine. Then I feel there must be something wrong with me and I'm somehow letting her or my siblings down by not being more upset. Occasionally I check the phone messages between me and other family to make sure it's real because the whole thing seems so ludicrous.

My dad died eight years ago. I miss him more now than I did then. But I also know that for the last eight years all mum has wanted was to go with him.

@Ilikeviognier yes, I understand. Best wishes to you. My own mum died almost 3 years ago, 6 months before I became pregnant with my DD. She knew I was going though fertility treatment but it hurts so much that I didn't get to tell her it worked! Sometimes I look at DD and it's all I can do not to break down in front of her when I think about how thinks have worked out. I have no siblings and my dad died about 20 years ago but he wasn't in my life anyway.
I have a lovely partner and good friends but sometimes it's so painful and lonely without her.

I get it.

It'll be my dad's 3-year anniversary on September 23rd (5 days before my birthday - thanks dad)

I still think of him, at some point, every single day. There are so many things I would like to talk to him about.

Thanks everyone. So sorry to hear your stories and for bringing you all down with the downer thread .