Daughter's Weight

[Craparent]

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?
Errr - yes! By all means be concerned, or want to help - but annoyed?! No wonder she won't talk to you about it when you "comment"

Then best thing I think you can do is not have sugary crap or convenience food in the house. Lots of fruit for snacking and serve healthy food in appropriate portions, beyond that it has to be her choice.

Also do what you can to build her self esteem! Compliment her on who she is.

Sorry wrong word, I am concerned. Have mentioned diabetes etc.
There are health issues in both mine and my husband's family and it's upsetting that she isn't taking care of herself.

Sounds like you need to worry about your own weight issues before you start worrying about someone else .

I don't buy anything sugary. She buys it herself and hides it in her bedroom.
I compliment her all the time.

Floralnomad
Yes I agree, I'm currently following WW as have been diagnosed with diabetes.

If she wants your help or advice she would ask for it. Or maybe she wouldn't. I have been overweight most of my life. My mother could've helped me make better choices as a teenager but she didn't. I'm not blaming her. I over ate. I knew what I was eating wasn't great. However she also stood by whilst my uncle and brother constantly put me down and made me feel crap about myself. I never once heard her stick up for me. Now I'm an adult she is obsessed with my weight. She'll constantly comment. It's very annoying. I really wanna tell her to shut up and that it's none of her business what weight I am or how I look. But she's not the only one. Seems to be acceptable to comment. Weird thing is she also used to te me about how she had an eating disorder when she was younger and was never happy with her weight but for about 20 years now she's also been overweight. Go figure.

Leave her alone, stop belittling your child because you are unhappy.

Sorry wrong word, I am concerned

That’s a very unusual mistake to make. To say you’re really annoyed when you actually mean concerned. Not sure I’ve seen that before.

YABU

Why don't you do something together. ..exercise class or similar?

If you are doing WW do you cook the same meals for her?

Mammabear23
Do you think I should not say anything? I have tried to encourage healthier eating but she will do her own thing.
I don't want to destroy her confidence or ruin our relationship but it's hard knowing that she is secretly unhappy.

She sounds like she may be a little overweight but size 16 isn’t exactly massive. Sure it’s the average size in the U.K.? I don’t think a size 16 is a massive health concern.

I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions. I get your concern but bringing to up will probably make her more paranoid about it.

I was a curvy teenager, around a size 16. I remember my mum telling me I’d never find a boyfriend if I was fat as men didn’t want fat women. It really played on my mind for a long time. Convinced I wasn’t worthy of finding love. In my case the reason I was struggling with my weight as she always fed up us crap and huge portions growing up!

Hippofrog
Have tried but she says she's not hungry then will go and cook herself something else, sometimes as late as 10pm.

From the age of around 8 my mother let me eat what I wanted. Gave me adult portions etc so by the time I was 11 I was pretty overweight. She blames this on my younger brother being born, but it was because she didn't control my diet properly and I've struggled with my weight ever since because at the age of 12 she dumped the responsibility on me and told me I needed to do something about my weight. My solution was to make myself sick.
How long has your dad been over weight. I think you are very unreasonable to say you are annoyed by it. Perhaps there's a reason she tells her aunt and not you?

It’s tricky if you’re concerned but she’s old enough to make her own choices about her diet. I think you need to be supportive and show you’re open and available if she wants to talk about it with you, but equally if you go on about it too much then you’ll add to the issue.

Do not tell her she is fat. She’s not an idiot, she already knows. If she’s unhappy about that she can do something about it when SHES ready.

Tell her she is beautiful, BELIEVE she is beautiful. Trust me, building people up when they are self conscious is way more effective than putting her down.

I understand you are coming from a place of concern, but mentioning her weight to her is something she will always remember even if she says at the moment she likes the way she is.

You said that you are overweight yourself, so why don't you approach it from a point of 'getting healthier together'
Does she enjoy cooking? Why don't you buy a healthy cook book and make a little hobby out of it. One night she cooks something from the book and vice versa.

Start a sport together, even if it is just walking or a home workout video.

Small, subtle changes for a healthier lifestyle I think is the way forward, rather than blunt, drastic comments or comments that make it very obvious that you think she is overweight

Size 16 is not massive. My own dd is 26 and size 16 and looks fantastic.
Your dd is obviously sensitive about it so dont make it a thing.
Is she interested in cooking at all? My dd and I mostly eat vegan and she has really got into cooking and exercise but she ll always be curvy and is truly happy with it.
Having been through an eating disorder myself I have never commented on any dc s weight.
I dont think a lot of us are happy with our bodies at 19, its an insecure type of age imo.
But she s an adult so has to make her own choices, all you can do is support her.

OP, being overweight is a serious health risk and you are right to be concerned.

Very difficult to know what to do, but there are things you can control here - especially if you are in charge of meals and shopping. You should refocus family meals on healthier food (which will benefit everyone) and cut back on biscuits being available etc.

The No.1 indicator of whether someone will be fat is whether they have fat friends and family. That’s because large portions/unhealthy eating gets normalised. You can help her by making sure healthy eating is normal in your house.

I agree with @Sparklesocks. Think at 19 she's old enough to make her own food choices. If you're trying to improve your own health by taking up classes or joining a gym, you could ask if she wants to join you (cos you'd appreciate the support) but don't keep on. It's not helpful.

Iminaglasscase
You are no doubt correct in saying there is a reason why she tells my sister in law.

I'm prepared to accept I'm probably in the wrong for bringing it up with her. I don't want to destroy her self esteem.

Popsie
Yes she is old enough and I don't want to make her more paranoid.

Forget her weight!
Forget her size!
Do not comment on her body shape or size at all!!
Do not comment on what she is eating!
Do not buy crap!
Do not take your daughter down a lifelong road of dieting.
Stock up on healthy food!
Raise her self esteem!
When your daughter sees her value as more than a number on a scale, or a number on an item of clothing, she will treat herself better. You need to encourage your daughter to love herself a lot more than what's coming across on this thread.

Thanks for the advice that has been given.
I do compliment her all the time and tell her that I'm proud of her.
Yes I need to not bring up weight or what she is eating.
I just worry that she will inherit the families health issues.