Daughter's Weight

[Craparent]

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

Size 16 sounds very big for someone who is 5'4 ". At a guess she's probably about 3 st overweight.

@MikeUniformMike

I agree.

I think there is a huge emotional dimension here that other posters have touched upon, but then other posters have dismissed because they feel it is "attacking" the OP's daughter.

Put simply, your daughter potentially secretly eats and chooses specific late times to overeat. This is due to some need for emotional comfort, or a routine that she clings to which rewards her brain in some way.

Only a sea-change in mindset and life approach will turn this around to where perhaps you think you should be. And that will involved nuanced, careful, loving conversations around this, not painfully stark observations on something she already knows but chooses to live with

Size 16 is pretty big to be honest. I wouldn't mention it however. Just shop healthily and be there for her if she ever wants to discuss it.

Do you think something has happened to her to trigger this behaviour? As it seems like its recent. Maybe bullying or bad treatment by a boyfriend, falling out with a friend or something? Kinda seems like the binging might be a reaction to something going on with her.

@MikeUniformMike

Size 16 sounds very big for someone who is 5'4 ". At a guess she's probably about 3 st overweight.

I’m just a peep over 5’ 4 and I’m a 14/16 - I assure you I’m not ‘very big’. Yes, I’m overweight and I’m working to lose another couple of stone (I’ve already lost three) but I’m not fat enough to warrant someone starting a thread about my size.

However the majority of MN seem to be 7 stone waifs who view staying slim as their life’s purpose and put it above all enjoyment of life. Maybe I just don’t care enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's best not to say anything as she must already know so will just upset her and lead to an argument. I understand how you feel though as one of my children has always struggled with her weight and I have no idea why as she doesn't seem to overeat and is fit.

@amusedbush I think it's easy to get so used to your own size that you don't see it as big but I can assure you size 14-16 at 5 foot 4 is big. I have been a size 14 at 5 foot 5 in the past and was clearly overweight and very large but didn't realise how huge I actually was at the time until I was a small size. Literally anybody will look very large if they're a 14-16 at 5 foot 4.

@Pinkyandthebrainz

Size 16 is pretty big to be honest. I wouldn't mention it however. Just shop healthily and be there for her if she ever wants to discuss it.

I agree.

[quote h3av3n]@amusedbush I think it's easy to get so used to your own size that you don't see it as big but I can assure you size 14-16 at 5 foot 4 is big. I have been a size 14 at 5 foot 5 in the past and was clearly overweight and very large but didn't realise how huge I actually was at the time until I was a small size. Literally anybody will look very large if they're a 14-16 at 5 foot 4.[/quote]
As someone who has been suicidal due to a lifetime of eating disorders I would recommend not repeatedly referring to someone as ‘huge’ and ‘very large’.

I’ve already said I know I’m overweight but now I also feel like shit after feeling relatively okay about myself having dropped several dress sizes.

A perfect example of how calling someone fat doesn’t make them lose weight, it just makes them feel bad.

She's not going to want to lose weight because you are annoyed/concerned about it. Quite the opposite in fact. Lay off her and let her choose when/if to address any weight issues and advise her only if/when she asks for your advice.

Lots of issues here... You aren't happy with your own weight. No teen girl is constantly happy with their appearance. The baggy clothes thing might actually be a fashion choice eg VSCO girls, Billie Eilish. You, your husband, and the random "lads" are all commenting negatively about her appearance; of course, she gets cross. There is nothing wrong with eating at 10 pm; losing weight is about eating less - it's not what you eat or when you eat; it's how much you eat.

I think you should leave her to choose her own diet. I also think you should stop trying to scare her into weight loss via family diabetes stories. Your opinion as her mom should be more, "You can change your weight any time you want but those mean lads can't change their awful personalities."

She is my height so I can't pretend that her size sounds normal to me. But, I know that no one goes on a successful diet to please someone else. If she's not happy with her size, I reckon she needs confidence and opportunities - not criticism. But, man, parenting is tough. You do the best you can and hope you don't mess up too much! I hope some of the thread comments provide useful inspo for you. x

I don’t usually comment but this touched a nerve with me as it sounds very similar to how I was treated, granted I am taller and was not a size 16, probably a 12/14 at that age.
My mum would constantly tell me how she was ‘only 8 stone at your age’ despite her being a size 20ish at the and she would always pull faces at what I would wear and comment on how things were unflattering on my body. It gave me a complex. My sister who was very close in age to me would also get involved as she was very naturally slim.
Nowadays they are both very overweight and constantly dieting. My weight always stayed the same really and then I naturally lost the extra weight, I think from being happier in myself and doing more/being busy (I moved away from them)
It doesn’t sound like you’ve approached this in the best way and it can seem like ganging up or picking at someone when it’s done in the way you’ve described. It’s good she has someone she can talk to. Could you have a chat about how she is in herself generally and have it not be about weight gain?

Such a difficult one. Every parent wants there child to be happy and I think your post comes from that. You’ve heard that her weight is making her unhappy and as a mum, that’s upsetting and you want to put it right. As someone that’s struggled with my weight since I was a child I know that she has to do this in her own time.
You said that you are currently overweight having been slim before that. I think this would be a great chance for you to maybe lead the way here. If she sees you losing weight it may spark her interest a bit and maybe the two of you could do this together, even introduce an exercise class or regime in too.
But as I said it has to be her decision.