Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter's Weight

114 replies

Craparent · 12/07/2020 15:51

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/07/2020 16:28

I. Can't. Even.... Sad

zoemum2006 · 12/07/2020 16:29

Please leave her alone. She'll only lose weight when she's feeling confident and strong. She won't feel that way if she feels under any pressure.

Concentrate on you and cooking healthy meals and exercise. Be a good role model.

If she sees you looking happy and fit it might inspire her.

Any form of nagging will have the opposite reaction from the one you want.

(I've lost weight many times in my life but only when I'm in the right headspace).

Lookingbackatme · 12/07/2020 16:31

What @Completelyfrozen said with bells on.

I was a size 14-16 as a teenager and my parents bullied me relentlessly for it, resulting in lifelong low self-confidence and esteem. I’m now mid-40s and it has blighted the way I feel about body and my worth as a person.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 12/07/2020 16:31

Bloody hell.

Your daughter is worth more than her weight. Anyone who can't see that, whether it's silly little boys on a night out, or God forbid her own MOTHER, doesn't deserve to know her.

Please check yourself and address your own insecurities with a therapist.

Original poster
Craparent · 12/07/2020 16:31

Completelyfrozen & zoemum
I will take on board everything you have said and do as advised.

Same as with all the other advice given. Thank you.

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 12/07/2020 16:41

OP.

I am 50 plus now - I was put on diet pills at the age of 10 by doctors with my mothers agreement. No addressing with fun family activities, no inclusive meals that didn't leave me out. Just being made to feel I was something to be fixed.

I subsequently spent my whole life with a weight problem.

Sounds like your own eating issues have transferred to your daughter. Your use of the word 'annoyed' in your OP seems to me that you feel your daughters weight reflects badly on you.

If I were you, i would have an apologetic conversation with her, and make sure she knows you value her and love her for herself.

MikeUniformMike · 12/07/2020 16:41

Size 16 is meaningless, because for some it would be fine, for some it would be scrawny and for others it might be seriously overweight.

If she is overweight then I don't think you are wrong to mention it, especially due to your own health worried.

My parents were always commenting on my weight and although it was annoying, I don't think it did me any harm.

greenestolives · 12/07/2020 16:42

Do not buy crap!
Stock up on healthy food!

Stop berating the OP, who has come on here for advice.

If you read what the OP has actually said, then you will see that the DD buys her own crap junk food, and hides it in her room.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/07/2020 16:44

@Craparent

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

Has it occured to you that she may not respect your opinion because you are fat? Being on steroids and diabetic means you need to take even more care with your exercise and diet to ensure you stay on top of things - if you can demonstrate how that can be done yourself (with medical advice if needed) then that will help her respect you more than the jibes.
IndiaMay · 12/07/2020 16:48

I think going on about it isn't the best idea. Maybe ncourage healthy eating and excersise but dont berate unhealthy habits. I'm shocked at people saying size 16 'isn't that big' though. Unless shes 6ft+ a size 16 is probably considerably over weight. The average UK size is 14 but that's because we have an obesity problem. We're the fatest county in Europe

beatrixpotterspencil · 12/07/2020 16:50

when other people comment on your daughter's weight, especially boys, do not put the onus on her to change.
I'd recommend someone teaching the boys to change.

she is 19, if she feels the need to lose weight, it is her business.

BuffyFanForever · 12/07/2020 16:50

Seriously don’t ever comment on her size again. It’s her body and you will actually chip away at your relationship with her. I had similar with my Mum (although I was a lot bigger than your daughter) and always resented her constant comments. She’s an adult so leave her be with it x

Itwasntme1 · 12/07/2020 16:51

My parents constantly make little jibes about my weight.

The first thing about any female my mum comments on is their looks and weight. My mum and dad constantly tell me they are cutting down or watching what they eat - especially if I am eating something sweet.

I have had a difficult relationship with food my whole life and it is 100% down to them. My six year old niece recently designed a dress and my mum told her it would only suit someone who was ‘lovely and tall and slim’. My niece cried.

It has really impacted my relationship with them. I went to an excellent counsellor who advised me to disengage with them every time they raise the subject.

Don’t be like them. Don’t destroy your relationship with your daughter over something this trivial. And all this crap about health is bullshit, you want her to look thin.

Batqueen · 12/07/2020 16:56

My mum has always had issues with her own weight and passed on her own issues to her daughters.

She thinks she is being subtle and positively encouraging. She isn’t.

Both of us have only ever lost weight when we have had the motivation to do it for ourselves.

You can try and make healthy meals, not buy rubbish etc but if you comment on her weight or what she is eating you will just make her feel worse and want to eat more.

Settlersofcatan · 12/07/2020 16:59

What motivates women to do this to their daughters?

I am 40 and my mother has been criticising my appearance for almost 30 years. Telling me I was fat and needed to hide my body was never going to help, it was just about being nasty to me. Why do so many women want to do this to their daughters?

And don't tell me it's about concern, I have several health issues that my mother has never displayed any interest in

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/07/2020 17:00

OP I don’t think yabu for worrying- if your daughter was a size 16, wearing nice clothes and eating infront on your- then I’d leave alone. But I hate the idea of a child of mine eating sugary food in secret in their room or not getting dressed up during the best years of their life. I wouldn’t tackle it from a weight perspective but a confidence perspective.

rottiemum88 · 12/07/2020 17:02

Honestly OP, I just can't get past the hypocrisy here. You're overweight yourself, which you have excuses for, but are "concerned" about your DDs weight. She's adult. She buys at least some of her own food. You've probably already crossed a line in terms of the comments you make so she chooses not to confide in you. If you go any further down this road you'll do damage that may well be irreparable, if you haven't already. I feel sad for your daughter

JinglingHellsBells · 12/07/2020 17:06

I feel for you because seeing a child very overweight is akin to seeing them smoke or do drugs- just as bad for health.

I'd be looking at her whole life- is she happy in work/ college? Does she have friends? Sounds as if she is comfort eating.

Eating in secret when she knows it's 'forbidden food' is a type of eating disorder.

Maybe have a look at BEAT? Charity for EDs.

She's clearly very sensitive about her weight and probably does hate herself.

I'd stop complimenting her on her looks as it will seem so false, but maybe you can praise her for other things she does?

I'd focus more on talking about your own weight and health issues and that might show her what lies ahead if she doesn't want to change.

Sounds as if she has mental health issues around confidence and self-esteem, so that ought to be your focus.

hamstersarse · 12/07/2020 17:06

I don’t think any of us would chose for our Dc to be overweight. But she’s an adult so can do as she chooses.

In your position I would role model the hell out of losing weight and reversing T2 diabetes, which is a purely lifestyle issue (you keep blaming genetics but it is only a propensity that is genetic, lifestyle seals the deal)

Become healthy yourself, sort yourself out. Demonstrate the benefits and don’t judge.

I’d even say that you don’t have the right information to be passing on anyway! You are attempting to lose weight and reverse your diabetes with WW!!!!

You really should be looking at Michael Moseley, low carb or keto if you are serious about getting your health (and weight!) back

JinglingHellsBells · 12/07/2020 17:08

I don't see any hypocrisy- that's a really shallow comment to make!

If a parent is addicted to smoking or alcohol and they see their adult child going down that road, is it being hypocritical to show concern?

Being overweight with diabetes is no different.

You can very much want you children to avoid your own health issues even when you are still battling them.

I honestly think some posters here aren't parents because of the 'advice' they dish out Hmm

TheMarzipanDildo · 12/07/2020 17:09

This is something she has to come to terms with on her own op. She is defensive because society associates personality traits and beauty with weight, not just health. Commenting will be interpreted as a criticism of much more than just her weight. She knows she is overweight, she’s an adult.

Confident people who know that their weight isn’t the be all and end all tend to be better at managing it and less prone to bingeing.

ColdGreenTeaMug · 12/07/2020 17:10

My mother has ikssues with her weight and passed it onto me and my sister.

I am 48 and have eating disorders all my life. My mother thinks she is being subtle... but i see her looking at me, surreptitiously checking the labesl on my clothes for the size.... chirruping cheerfully when I was a teenager about hiow we ought to 'go on a health kick'. The comments about being glad that my DSs have both inherited DH's figure.....

I am a recovering bulimic and alcoholic and am obese. My sister is a recovering anorexic and active alcoholic.

She's 70 and has never had a meal in her adult life that has not been wrapped up in an envelope of guilt and fear.

I would say work on your own expectations first. Don't land your baggage on her.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 12/07/2020 17:11

You're annoyed with your daughter about her weight, but you're not angry at the nasty twats calling her horrible names.

Yes, butt out. If she needs help she will ask you. Being size 16 is not a criminal offenceHmm

I feel sorry for her. It's still ok to bully people as long as it's for being fat.

slopes off to contemplate how long it was since I was a size 16

Doodar · 12/07/2020 17:11

most of my friends teen/adult daughters are overweight, their mum's are in great shape. I don't think the daughters care or they would do something about it. They wear figure hugging, tummy showing clothes and look horrid.

Auntydarah · 12/07/2020 17:11

You sound judgemental. No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You say she's a 16.its impossible to know if that is really overweight for her or just a little.

Swipe left for the next trending thread