Daughter's Weight

[Craparent]

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

So, my comments are based on sort of re-living the disapproval i had growing up. It isn't nice.

Tread carefully- that's all i am saying.

I personally don't think being fat is the enormous moral or health failure that most people on mumsnet seem to think it is

So you are overweight with diabetes, but i stead of worrying about yourself you are annoyed at yiur daughter? What about leading by example?

I think there are too many comments here from women who had eating disorders but not enough from other women who are parents and who know how sad and worrying it is to see a child unhappy and in a kind of self destruct mode.

If this was not about weight, but smoking or drugs, the responses would be different.

As a society we have got to the point where no one must mention weight for fear of offending someone. It's become the elephant in the room and 'normalised'. Even GPs are supposed to tiptoe around the topic.

OP you need to be supportive but not critical.
Lead by example.
Talk about your own struggle with weight and maybe she will start to see her own future unless she does something.

@Popsie17 average size doesn't mean healthy size. I see this bandied about a lot actually but something like 60% of UK adults are overweight so average actually means above normal.

Op- stop commenting or nagging or anything. Maybe have one chat were you just say that because of family health history and your diabetes you're a touch concerned because you don't want her to end up with health problems like you have. Maybe get her a FIIT subscription if she'd like one or offer other options like putting together a meal plan.

Let her know that if she wants you to leave her alone about it all you can but wanted to just offer help if she wanted it.

Then shut up about it for a while. You're making her feel worse. Hopefully in time she realises she needs to change. Until then you can't force her to lose weight.

I personally don't think being fat is the enormous moral or health failure that most people on mumsnet seem to think it is

Why not?

Do you know the NHS is broke because of the cost of diabetes meds and appts?

Cook and serve her nice but slimming options like salmon. Tell her you are going on a diet. Only cook healthy options. Would she join a Pilates or dance class with you? The more time she is out of house doing stuff the less time for snacking in her room.

I personally don't think being fat is the enormous moral or health failure that most people on mumsnet seem to think it is

I agree. Certainly we dont see the hand wringing about other unhealthy behaviours that we do over too much food.

To be honest, I probably have an eating disorder myself. The only thing that stops me overeating is consuming lots of alcohol. I'm choosing the lesser of the evils. No doubt lots of people on here would find it more palatable if I were a slim raging alcoholic

What’s your husbands build like? Why don’t you buy more fruits and veg also salads and so on. This may be better than suggesting directly to your daughter... or you can join a gym yourself. I would leave her as she is 19.

Have you any other kids? What sort of comments did her father make?

The reaosn why people react like this about weight is because weight is seen as a moral issue. People who are fat are seen as lesser. Or lacking in self control. and because the standards for women are very high and most women that I know at least turn themselves inside out trying to manipulate their own bodies and souls into what society deems to be acceptable. So it IS different from smoking.

Point is that the one person in your life who you can count on is emant to be your mother. Not someone who is 'annoyed' by your own private struggles with your own body. Weight is not just a health isue. It an issue that comes loaded with societal baggage.

I am really fat and have been so most of my adult life. The only thing my mum ever said to me, when I was a teenager and about normal, was, "you don't want to get any bigger or you won't be able to buy nice clothes ". At the same time she was definitely a feeder... I didn't care about clothes, I dressed like a boy at the time!

Anyway, I'm kind of torn about this because I think some practical advice about healthy eating and lifelong impact would have helped me not be so fat. After this I got nothing back, even when I gained 3 dress sizes after having my first DC due to poor advice, back problems and being knackered all the time. I do partly feel cross that nobody ever thought today anything or encourage me to be more active, and I will be doing my best with my two DDs to guide them more to be healthy without being obsessive.

I am losing weight now (got fat after every one of my 4 children) but it would have been nice not to have wasted years hating myself and not being able to be active and engaged in exciting physical stuff.

I think you need to lead by example. Why don't you stop mentioning weight/ health and start adopting healthier lifestyle and diet choices yourself and she will see you healthier, slimmer and happier and probably follow suit.

Do you know the NHS is broke because of the cost of diabetes meds and appts

No, the NHS is broke because of chronic underfunding by the Tories over the 10 years of austerity.

But hey, let's blame fat people instead, because they are obviously the dregs of society and none of them contribute any taxes or anything and of course none are higher rate tax payers and people of such moral weaknesses couldn't possibly ever become wealthy......oh wait....

People need to be in the right place to make changes to their lives. They also need support to get to that place.
Fat shaming, insults dressed up as concern about health, making people feel guilty for eating, snidey comments and ignoring people insulting others....that's not the way to,provide support.

From a slightly too large public health consultant

@JinglingHellsBells

I feel for you because seeing a child very overweight is akin to seeing them smoke or do drugs- just as bad for health.

I'd be looking at her whole life- is she happy in work/ college? Does she have friends? Sounds as if she is comfort eating.

Eating in secret when she knows it's 'forbidden food' is a type of eating disorder.

Maybe have a look at BEAT? Charity for EDs.

She's clearly very sensitive about her weight and probably does hate herself.

I'd stop complimenting her on her looks as it will seem so false, but maybe you can praise her for other things she does?

I'd focus more on talking about your own weight and health issues and that might show her what lies ahead if she doesn't want to change.

Sounds as if she has mental health issues around confidence and self-esteem, so that ought to be your focus.

I'n sure she does have issues around food / her eating patterns.

Maybe she got them from her mum?

It’s frustrating when young people don’t take charge of their own weight and health. The sad thing is she’s likely to get bigger and it will dominate her life if she doesn’t address it soon.

Set a good example in terms of your own diet and exercise and hope she’ll follow. its no fun being a fat teenager-I’ve been there.

You might find you mentioning it in such a way actually makes her worse. People need confidence and support to make changes, try telling her how beautiful she is, help her shop for nice flattering clothes if she wants and generally make an effort is helping to boost her confidence. Otherwise she will be unhappy and a lot of people (me included) turn to food when they are struggling and in turn become sluggish and even depressed and it becomes an awful viscous circle.

Someone's dress size doesn't reflect their weight or health and BMI, while also problematic, is a better marker. I'm a healthy weight at roughly a size 14 (unfortunately I'm rather larger than this right now). My mum is a healthy weight at a size 8, and I'd be unhealthily thin at that size. As you can imagine our builds are very different. Is she actually overweight or just larger than you?

Please be careful what you say.
My mum is always banging on about weight, just in general. She had me on a diet at the age of seven. Could t be arsed to take me to sports classes though.
If your daughter is upset about the way she looks, believe me she will know she has an issue. The best things you can do are facilitate exercise, don't have crap in the house and tell her she is beautiful/funny/intelligent.
I can't relax around mine. Say we go out, I wouldn't feel I could have a pudding or a bar of chocolate in front of her. Please don't cultivate this type of thing. It isn't healthy.
Also, and I feel fucking strongly about this, it isn't her father's place to say a word. My dad said some vile things to me over the years. If he wants to remain close to her then he needs to step back.
Also, those boys sound horrible. Maybe some casual chats about self esteem and not associating with dickheads might be timely?

@Doodar

most of my friends teen/adult daughters are overweight, their mum's are in great shape. I don't think the daughters care or they would do something about it. They wear figure hugging, tummy showing clothes and look horrid.

That is a very unpleasant comment.

Poor girl. Leave her alone. Do not tell her she is overweight. Size 16 certainly isn't massive. These are your issues, not hers.

Love her for who she is, not what size you would prefer her to be.

Every teenage girl who is fat knows she is fat. Home is supposed to be a safe space. People aren't supposed to call you fat in your safe space. OP, you and your husband need to stop talking about her weight - you might not use the actual word 'fat', but that's the only word she'll hear when you raise your 'concerns'.

You say she's told your SIL she hates the way she looks - what more evidence do you need to know that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about her appearance with you? Take the hint.

If you really want to help your daughter, lose weight yourself. I don't mean that in a horrid way - more that if she sees you making changes to your diet and lifestyle and sees you losing weight, she'll see that it can be done. She has half your genes, so if you can do it, she can do it too, especially as she's younger. Don't nag her, instead just silently become her role model. Trust me, you'll achieve so much more with these actions than with your words.

If she sees you shifting the weight, she'll start thinking about whether she has the motivation to do the same. If you start cooking healthier foods and they taste nice, it won't be a hardship for her to have some of that instead of the junk. Get everyone to buy into it - you don't say if your husband is a healthy weight or not, but get him to eat healthily too rather than eat junk food around her. Don't make a big deal of it, and don't make all the changes overnight - be more subtle about it. Sneak healthiness into your household so it feels natural, rather than a pointed attack.

Don't judge her (and you can judge without words, no eye rolls), don't talk about it, but do make your overall household healthier so when she's ready to lose weight, the tools to do so are all around her. That means, she'll be able to start doing so quietly and easily, without a fanfare. Often we're scared to change, because we're scared to let people see us fail, so don't pass any comments. Let her attempt to change her lifestyle on her own terms, without worrying about your reaction.

You never know, if you bite your tongue for long enough, one day she might feel safe enough to talk to you about her health. Let her come to you.

OP, it's very difficult when a family member is overweight and doesn't seem to be concerned about it. We have a relative who's obese and has had one alarming health scare - we thought that might give her an incentive to get healthier, but she's still big. I expect diabetics is on the cards for her, but only she can make the necessary lifestyle changes.

As PP's have said, all you can do is encourage your DD to make healthy choices and focus on your own fitness. She's an adult!

What reason does she give for not wanting to eat the meals you cook? Binging in secret sounds v worrying.

My mum dragged me to a slimming class when I was 12 and I’ve struggled with binge eating disorder/non-purging bulimia my entire life. I have a terrible relationship with food and my body and have yo-yoed between size 12 and 22 since I was a teenager (I’m now 30).

I’m currently a 14/16 and I’m not grotesquely fat - certainly not big enough to make people ‘annoyed’ about it! Your daughter knows she’s overweight and you bringing it up will just make her feel worse.

Yes, she (and I) could lose a bit of weight for health reasons but there are worse things in life than being a bit fat. I’m sure there are a hundred things more interesting about your daughter than her weight.