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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter's Weight

114 replies

Craparent · 12/07/2020 15:51

Aibu to get really annoyed over daughter's weight?

She's nearly 19 and is a size 16. I was always a size 10-12 but had to be careful with what I ate plus did a lot of exercise.
I'm over weight now (nearly 50) as put on weight in last few years (steroids etc).

She wears extremely oversized clothes but says she's happy with the way she looks. I know she isn't as she told my sister in law recently that she "hated" the way she looks.
I also knows she's overheard lads calling her the fat one when she's been out with her friends and been very upset.

My husband (& me sometimes) have commented to her about her weight but she loses her temper and says she doesn't care about our opinions.

Should I just butt out and leave her to it although I can't help getting upset knowing that she is pretending she is happy with herself?

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 12/07/2020 17:56

You say you are complimenting your DD on one hand ,and then you and DH tell her she is overweight! I dont think it is helpful to compare your weight growing up either .You are you not her! Maybe try to become healthier as a family ,go out for long walks ,maybe swimming together now pools are reopening .Buy low fat products if you can ,lots of fruit and veg and so on .At the end of the day its up to her really.

rottiemum88 · 12/07/2020 17:56

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't see any hypocrisy- that's a really shallow comment to make!

If a parent is addicted to smoking or alcohol and they see their adult child going down that road, is it being hypocritical to show concern?

Being overweight with diabetes is no different.

You can very much want you children to avoid your own health issues even when you are still battling them.

I honestly think some posters here aren't parents because of the 'advice' they dish out

Commenting on someone being overweight when you're overweight yourself is the very definition of hypocrisy

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 12/07/2020 18:03

sounds like you have a pretty massive weight problem yourself OP... and also that you have a very poor relationship with yourself and your attitude to weight. what sort of example does that set to your daughter? why would she talk to you when you seem to constantly belittle her?

OneKeyAtATime · 12/07/2020 18:14

How active is she? I personally find I will lose weight when I don't actively think about it but when I focus on regular exercising. My mind is not on food anymore and generally after a workout I am not that hungry (where I would have stuffed my face out of boredom had I stayed at home in front of the tv). If you start exercising she may be interested in tagging along or might find inspiration to practice another sport of her choice?

IWantT0BreakFree · 12/07/2020 18:20

Is her weight gain recent? As in, was she a healthy weight until the last year or so? Because before that she was a child and you were responsible for her health. So if she was overweight then, you should have taken steps at that time. She is now an adult and it is not your place to get involved. Do you think she is a stupid person? If not, and you credit her with some intelligence, presumably you realise that she is aware of her weight and the health implications. Have you ever heard of an overweight person who was told that they were overweight by a “well meaning” relative and it came as a revelation to them, causing them to change their habits? Because I haven’t. People who overhaul their lifestyles and health don’t do it because their mum sticks her beak in.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 12/07/2020 18:25

@Craparent how long has she been overweight for?

hamstersarse · 12/07/2020 18:26

Every teenage girl who is fat knows she is fat.

I used to agree with this and I think it’s the case for the op’s daughter but I do wonder if every one does know they are fat.

I see people wearing clothes that you’d only wear if you didn’t think you were fat. Crop tops etc.

I think this is the Big is Beautiful movement.

lilgreen · 12/07/2020 18:31

There’s been a really positive switch in body image for young people. I’m nearly 50 and was a young woman when Friends was big and v skinny models were vogue. I was a10-12 but felt too big. Now bigger bums and bodies are desirable. The line “Foes my bum look big in this? “ requires an answer of yes! Let your DD find her own way but lead by example. Teen girls are very sensitive (I have two) so leave her be it model good habits.

lilgreen · 12/07/2020 18:32

does

vanillandhoney · 12/07/2020 18:38

@hamstersarse

Every teenage girl who is fat knows she is fat.

I used to agree with this and I think it’s the case for the op’s daughter but I do wonder if every one does know they are fat.

I see people wearing clothes that you’d only wear if you didn’t think you were fat. Crop tops etc.

I think this is the Big is Beautiful movement.

You can know you're fat and still want to wear crop tops.

Or is wearing clothes like that only acceptable if you're thin?

CatNoBag · 12/07/2020 18:41

I've always struggled with my weight since I was a teenager, have finally gotten down to close to healthy in my early 40s! I'd say my mum was similar to me, up and down weight, but she's a good healthy weight now. She would occasionally mention my weight to me and I'd either shut it down straight away or just seethe. I hated it! I knew I was overweight, having my Mum tell me that didn't help.

All I can suggest is perhaps as you're trying to lose weight yourself you make it something you do together, and see if she'd like to come with you on walks etc or any kind of exercise you can do together. 19 is a difficult age though - ready for independence and not yet old enough to appreciate and enjoy time with your mum!

Laaalaaaa · 12/07/2020 18:45

You’re probably making matters worse. She needs to want to lose weight herself, not because you tell her. By telling her she’s overweight you may find this makes her binge more.

buckeejit · 12/07/2020 18:45

So glad you've said you'll take on board the advice & not bring it up. All those little hints will not have gone unnoticed. She needs to decide in her own time if she wants to address it. Size 16 isn't that big though

Good luck

Original poster

Craparent · 12/07/2020 18:54

In answer to some of the questions raised she is 5ft 4 & the weight has gone on in the past 18 months. A lot of the clothes she has don't fit her anymore. She buys lots of men's tops in xxx.

She works part time but isn't very active (student also).

No excuses for my weight gain, steroids with chemo then over ate when I had depression. I am trying hard to lose it.

Husband susceptible to put on weight easy so has to be careful.

I really do not want to destroy her confidence or ruin her self esteem.
I will not mention her weight/eating habits again. I agree it was wrong of me and it is up to her.

OP posts:

ttigerlilly · 12/07/2020 18:55

YABVU

Fat shaming your adult daughter on what is basically a public forum? I think this is highly unpleasant, I can only imagine how she would feel if she knew you had written this.

If her weight is that much of a concern to you, why don't you try and address this with her in a way which would motivate her to want to do something about it herself, rather than telling a bunch of strangers that you think your daughters weight is "annoying"

2155User · 12/07/2020 18:55

The amount of people on this thread who think that just because a size 16 is average that it means it's ok and healthy is shocking.
It's overweight, not healthy and poses multiple health risks.

1forAll74 · 12/07/2020 19:02

You maybe concerned about your daughters weight, and seems that she herself is a little bothered about it, but best not to mention it,as she is old enough to understand about weight issues, and she can see all around on TV programmes,and magazines about losing weight if she really want's to. She will obviously know about healthy food and exercise, so leave her to work something out.

zingally · 12/07/2020 19:03

In short, yes. You should butt out.

My older sister sounds a lot like your daughter. As a child you'd have described her as "solid", and by the end of puberty she was overweight. She's 5"6, and at her heaviest was maybe a size 20-22.

My mum spent YEARS trying to cajole, plead, threaten my sister to lose weight. It would just make my sister angry and upset, and I would say, has permanently damaged their relationship.

My sister is pushing 40 now, and I'd say it was only in the last 5 years or so that my mum has finally got the message that commenting on another adults weight isn't okay. However much you "care about their health".

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 12/07/2020 19:03

@Craparent

In answer to some of the questions raised she is 5ft 4 & the weight has gone on in the past 18 months. A lot of the clothes she has don't fit her anymore. She buys lots of men's tops in xxx.

She works part time but isn't very active (student also).

No excuses for my weight gain, steroids with chemo then over ate when I had depression. I am trying hard to lose it.

Husband susceptible to put on weight easy so has to be careful.

I really do not want to destroy her confidence or ruin her self esteem.
I will not mention her weight/eating habits again. I agree it was wrong of me and it is up to her.

Is it possible that she also has depression and is comfort eating?

Mummadeeze · 12/07/2020 19:03

I feel for you. I struggle with my weight and have a thing about it and am a size 14 but really constantly trying to be slimmer. My 11 year old DD is thin but has put on some weight during lockdown and has a tummy now and a little extra padding and it really takes all my willpower to tell myself not to worry about it and not to restrict her eating or to say anything to her in passing. I know 100% it would be wrong but having been fixated on my own weight my whole life, it is hard not to feel invested in hers too. I think doing some fitness activities together is the way forward as people have suggested. Also talking positively about your experience of weight watchers (if you are benefiting from it) in a casual way without angling it at her might plant a seed. It is hard though. I hate how much I think about weight in general.

GoatCheeseTart · 12/07/2020 19:07

So all the people saying it's not that big - when is a parent allowed to mention anything? Size 16 on an average 5'4'' young woman is big, and it's easier to get down to normal weight when you're size 16 than when you're size 26.

OP if you and your DH are both trying to lose weight, I would try to make it a family thing, and about health, not just looks.

Original poster

Craparent · 12/07/2020 19:09

Ttigerlilly
I came on here for advice & not to fat shame her.
I know understand that I have to step back and not say anything. I have tried to address it with her & attempted to motivate her. When she wanted to join a gym (tried a few & hardly went), I paid for her memberships.

OP posts:

Original poster

Craparent · 12/07/2020 19:14

Thank you to some of the very good advice given on here.

OP posts:

ramarama · 12/07/2020 19:15

OP I was this size 16 19 year old. My mum was very sweet and clearly worried about me, but didn't comment or criticise.

What would have helped realistically is small but significant changes in the household routine that EVERYONE joins in on (eg no snacks after supper, no pudding, going for a walk together early on weekend mornings)
If my mum had offered to do it with me as something we did together, i would have done it (workout video or just a brisk walk together at 5pm each day for example) That way you can make it positive rather than critical and targeted at her.

h3av3n · 12/07/2020 19:20

If you're overweight yourself then I think you need to take some responsibility for her weight, you probably fed her too many calories as a child and promoted unhealthy habits

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