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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lectured by stranger over plans for large family holiday

130 replies

Bluepolkadots42 · 12/07/2020 12:52

My MIL has just been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. Any treatment she has from now on is basically palliative- she has been shielding strictly up to this point but now she has had the terminal diagnosis she has been very keen for us to visit (in garden) and to see us and all her grandchildren.
I visited her yesterday and she said she would love for all of us to be able to go away together for a holiday for a week in the UK before she isn't here to go on one. She told me the area she had always wanted to visit and so I've been busy trying to find somewhere that can accommodate all of us in October half-term. In total we are 4 separate households of 8 adults and 4 children. I asked on an online forum for some recommendations of group accommodation and explained briefly the reason for trip- I said we were after preferably 2 cottages that are adjoined or large house with separate annexe. Lots of people were glad to give recommendations.
One person however commented with a load of stuff about guidelines and how they (presumably they own a holiday letting) weren't allowed to take a booking from more than one household etc and we needed to be careful as my MIL is shielding etc. I replied politely saying that must be hard for their business, but there does seem to be places able to accommodate multiple households still and ultimately now my MIL is thinking about quality of her life, doing thing she's going to enjoy and making memories for grandchildren etc. as she knows she doesn't have quantity of life left. This person then private messaged me further with more spiel about guidelines and shielding people etc.

AIBU to feel pissed off and like they should just mind their own fucking business quite frankly?
We are not unaware of Covid situation and neither is my MIL as she isn't an imbecile! All the kids will be back at school by then because apparently it's safe enough and at least 3 of us will be back at our place of work by then too, so why shouldn't we all stay together??

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 12/07/2020 15:03

Go on the holiday and enjoy it, give MIL the family time she deserves. I would add to those saying you might want to bring it forwards, as deterioration can sometimes be rapid. It was with my mum and aunt.

BatShite · 12/07/2020 15:09

Ignore this. Think nothing of it. Especially given circumstances tbh.

So many feel they have the right to lecture others. One of my neighbours gleefully reported the guy down the road for having visitors during lockdown. He had been diagnosed a month prior with a terminal illness and told he had about 3 months to live. His daughter was bringing shopping, and shock horror yes she went in for a cuppa and a chat. Most round here are no longer speaking to said neighbour after she was basically gloating about reporting the poor guy and 'hoping he gets punished for being so selfish' Hmm

Some people are just dicks. Even if someone is shielding, its recommendation, not requirement. And they can risk assess for themselves same as anyone else. Those whinging the most about others breaking 'rules' seem to be people who are currently out in the bloody pubs most of the day!

Kazzyhoward · 12/07/2020 15:11

Whilst I sympathise were her situation, any of your extended family group contracting covid is highly likely to spread it to others, and it's not just yourselves that you're putting at risk. Presumably your MIL would like healthcare etc so you're putting carers, nurses etc at risk. It's not all about her, unless she's happy to receive no care at all should she contract covid.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 12/07/2020 15:14

Was the forum mumsnet, by any chance? There's a lot of that on here Grin

The person sounds like a knob. Just ignore them and continue with your day.

pudcat · 12/07/2020 15:21

Just do it. I cannot see how less safe this is than going abroad and not having to isolate on return. Children will be back at school, we are told to go back to work and people are crammed on public transport.

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2020 15:31

@Kazzyhoward, it's October, a month after the schools have gone back. Three months after flights, pubs, swimming pools, gyms etc have opened. The guidelines will be gone. The OP's relative will die within a year. The care will be planned and appropriate PPE in place. Get a sense of reality.

MzHz · 12/07/2020 15:46

@sonjadog

I would be tempted to write back and tell them to mind their own fucking business, in exactly those words.
Yup, me too!
TheStuffedPenguin · 12/07/2020 15:51

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Unbelievable that a stranger should foist their opinions on you in this way! And then again in a private message!
Yeah they wrote on a public forum - whatever next Hmm
FelicityPike · 12/07/2020 15:52

It’s currently 3 households in Scotland. So it’s not much of a stretch.

lowlandLucky · 12/07/2020 15:54

Hope you have a wonderful time together

853ax · 12/07/2020 15:57

Up to everyone to decide what best for their own situation.
If you really don't want your mom to get covid could all isolate for 14 days prior to holiday. If this means staying home from school working at home ect so be it. Mixing household s then is no threat.
Sorry to hear about her illness difficult to deal with that so try just ignore and unkind comments

Nearlyalmost50 · 12/07/2020 15:57

I would also try to do this sooner rather than later, by which I mean by the end of the summer. Not just because terminal illnesses can suddenly lurch downwards, but also because it looks like corona has abated a bit in the summer, and this is a good window, with probably the least risk in the next few months.

If you wait til Oct, there may be, with the colder weather and schools going back and face to face working more outbreaks and holiday accommodation may get shut whether or not you are at risk. This is not the decision of the cottage owners or Air B and B, it's illegal for them as it was two months ago to trade, so I would take advantage of the opening up and lowered summer risk and jump now, don't wait to be disappointed in Oct when your relative may also be not as well.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 12/07/2020 16:02

I'd ignore the person and not reply at all.

I hope you find somewhere though like others I would try and do it sooner if at all possible partly as unfortunately sudden down turns are a possibility and partly to avoid flu season.

Nicknacky · 12/07/2020 16:03

Kazzyhoward Shit, I didn’t realise the NHS was refusing care for people whose “behaviour” has made them require it?

Are all people with suspected Covid being quizzed on how they might have caught it and not received care based on their replies?

Newnamenewopenme · 12/07/2020 16:05

There’s a group on Facebook called dog friendly holiday accommodation UK (you don’t need a dog) They are quite a friendly group for stuff like this, if you explain the circumstances, how many people per family and the area then all the suitable ones will comment. That could be a way around all booking together, you could perhaps all book separately but the same village or the same campsite sort of thing? I’ve booked my holidays a few time’s through it now and they’ve all been problem free and super helpful.

makingmammaries · 12/07/2020 16:13

It’s apparently ok to go to pubs and restaurants. The economy needs it, so suddenly the health aspects are ignored.

So why the heck shouldn’t a dying woman have her extended family around her as she wishes? How is that riskier than subsidizing people to eat in restaurants? I despair?

Sorry for your MIL’s situation, OP, I hope she gets the holiday she wants. Block the sanctimonious nobs.

okiedokieme · 12/07/2020 16:20

Have a great time, sounds like a good idea. I have stayed in a place suitable for that number in Northumberland if that helps?

Alsohuman · 12/07/2020 16:22

@Teacaketotty

We’ve become so scared of dying we’ve forgotten to live...

Enjoy your holiday OP, you get one life - help your MIL enjoy what’s left of hers Flowers

Ain’t that the truth. Carpe diem.
lifestooshort123 · 12/07/2020 16:41

Book it, enjoy it and make the most of family time Flowers

notapizzaeater · 12/07/2020 16:48

My husbands terminal and our oncologist has told us it's up to us whether we follow the shielding rules as by the time everything is back to normal it's might /e too late. Hope you get your holiday

BogRollBOGOF · 12/07/2020 16:58

Live as well as you can, while you can.

None of us is immortal. In this situation, you know life is limited so it's important to live well and make this a posititive conclusion to life, for all involved.

Many years ago we had a big family holiday. We'd never had one that big before.
4 weeks later my dad was unexpectedly dead from a heart attack. The memories of us being together and having a lovely time were so precious.

Timekeeper1 · 12/07/2020 17:02

YANBU But I would urge you to arrange it sooner. A LOT sooner. Like within the next 2 weeks. Seriously, she may not be here in September, let alone October. No time like the present. Go now!

PenelopePitstop49 · 12/07/2020 17:03

What a load of bollocks. Sadly Covid has given those with raging health anxiety something to validate their behaviour Hmm

I'd have told them to fuck off, and given the infection rate is 1 in 4000, a small group of family members is no risk to anyone.

I'd book as soon as you can though, before MIL is too unwell to enjoy the week together. I'm so sorry Flowers

ritatherockfairy · 12/07/2020 17:06

Enjoy your holiday. I can recommend a place in the Lake District if that's where you are looking.

Theluggage15 · 12/07/2020 17:14

It’s absolutely about your MIL, I hope you have a lovely time. Can’t believe someone sent you a private message, I’d have just sent back ‘fuck off’.