Lectured by stranger over plans for large family holiday

[Bluepolkadots42]

My MIL has just been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. Any treatment she has from now on is basically palliative- she has been shielding strictly up to this point but now she has had the terminal diagnosis she has been very keen for us to visit (in garden) and to see us and all her grandchildren.
I visited her yesterday and she said she would love for all of us to be able to go away together for a holiday for a week in the UK before she isn't here to go on one. She told me the area she had always wanted to visit and so I've been busy trying to find somewhere that can accommodate all of us in October half-term. In total we are 4 separate households of 8 adults and 4 children. I asked on an online forum for some recommendations of group accommodation and explained briefly the reason for trip- I said we were after preferably 2 cottages that are adjoined or large house with separate annexe. Lots of people were glad to give recommendations.
One person however commented with a load of stuff about guidelines and how they (presumably they own a holiday letting) weren't allowed to take a booking from more than one household etc and we needed to be careful as my MIL is shielding etc. I replied politely saying that must be hard for their business, but there does seem to be places able to accommodate multiple households still and ultimately now my MIL is thinking about quality of her life, doing thing she's going to enjoy and making memories for grandchildren etc. as she knows she doesn't have quantity of life left. This person then private messaged me further with more spiel about guidelines and shielding people etc.

AIBU to feel pissed off and like they should just mind their own fucking business quite frankly?
We are not unaware of Covid situation and neither is my MIL as she isn't an imbecile! All the kids will be back at school by then because apparently it's safe enough and at least 3 of us will be back at our place of work by then too, so why shouldn't we all stay together??

Legally you can meet in groups of up to 30 (inside or outside I think). It's just a guideline from the government for small groups.

I think as a 1 off, an extended family holiday for nice memories and quality of life is perfectly reasonable.

I hope you all have a lovely time.

Shielding is allegedly due to end late August so should be irrelevant by October. Besides even at the start, terminal patients were advised that shielding might be inappropriate for their circumstances.
4 households in 2 cottages would not break any current rules anyway as I understand them? You can be careful about mixing the 2 together if it’s still necessary by then.

Go OP and enjoy it. Over anxious strangers on the internet getting themselves hot under the collar about things which are allowed, here or elsewhere are irrelevant

I understand why you want to do this and I'm sorry you got upset, but you shouldn't go breaking the guidelines. Your MIL may, very understandably, not care about COVID now, but what about the people she might infect or the people that would have to care for them?

@Venue20

But who are they going to meet when they'll be in the cottages? They could be planning on taking food with them so don't need to go to the shops. Could go on walks and never meet anyone.

The only ones that might be at risk is the ones who go into the cottages next, and if they are worried about catching it, why are they going on holiday?

I'm generally very risk averse (probably one of those people who get moaned about on MN), but even I would do this. The woman is dying and she should get to have her last family holiday before that happens.
If everyone is careful in the run up and afterwards, I don't think it's that big a risk.
Realistically speaking, we could catch this in the supermarket having been super careful on all other aspects of our lives.
Sometimes there are exceptional circumstances.

I'm not sure you should wait until October.

What can you do sooner and safely?

Are there any charities/organisations that could advise?

Right now I scotland the rules are up to 8 people from 3 households can meet indoors. You’re slightly over but it’s 3 months away.

And the guidance is shielded with a terminal diagnosis may choose not to shield. It’s about getting some quality of life in those last months.

I would not hesitate to go ahead with your holiday. Ignore the arseholes.

And yes I’ve followed every piece of guidance to the bloody letter myself.

Go and enjoy your time together OP. Many will disapprove but they are not in your position. I know what I would do.

Yes do it. Do it ASAP so she gets the maximum benefit from it. There are no words to describe the appalling level of dementorment that would deem this to be unreasonable. I hope your mil’s final holiday is amazing and the sun shines for you every day.

Of course you are not unreasonable.

You can't spread anything if you haven't got it and if she she has been shielding she definitely doesn't have it and the chances of you not having it are about 4,000 to 1. Have your holiday, get your good memories whilst you can. And don't listen to anyone who wants to poison what time you can share.

If you don't go you'll regret it forever.

It would be far more selfish to deny her this last holiday. The ultra selfish opinion of some small minded keyboard warriors isn't worth your time.

She is taking it when others could not.

Denying it to her and her family won't undo the pain other people suffered in the lockdown. You can't force other people to suffer terribly to try and level them down to your own suffering. That's not humane.

Ignore the paranoid on here, OP. It's not as though you'll be inhabiting pubs or being anywhere indoors where you could pass it on anyway. This is valuable and treasured family time which is unlikely to impact anyone at all outside your group. You're certainly not going to be responsible for the second wave, FFS.

I hope you find something soon and that you all have the best time possible.

If she is now getting palliative care, should you be waiting until October to book a trip? I would maybe try to bring the trip forward if you can?

I also wouldn't be assuming she will be here and well enough to do something with you all in October. Even if she seems relatively well in herself right now things could, and sadly often do, deteriorate quite rapidly after this point.

So keep planning for October by all means but look at what you could do now too.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

OP, I would certainly have a think about doing the holiday a little earlier. It's been proven that oncologists/medics regularly overestimate how much time a person has left. And she may be much more symptomatic by then.

My beloved MIL went from an ok quality of life to being housebound in 8 weeks. Then into hospital for 4 weeks, home for 6 days and into a hospice where she very quickly died.

Please act quickly just in case. I really wouldn't wait until October.

Take all the safety precautions you identify that matter to you and your family and others. Private self-catering with minimal outside contact probably best.

Good luck and lots of good wishes for you all.

Op, I have been in this situation (minus covid) with my mum and we all had a last holidays and you can’t under estimate the benefit of those memories.

And my mil died two weeks ago so I also know about the impact it has on families during this dreadful time.

Take the holiday and fuck anyone else.

Venus20 And you can fuck off with your sanctimonious crap. Stay cooped up if you want and not see anyone. I don’t care. But don’t judge others in horrible situations.

I think the isolation mental health problems have invaded your thread OP. Of course it's not unreasonable and I hope you all have a nice break. Have you thought about booking a quiet holiday park so you could book separate accommodation but all meet up at the central facilities?

@Venue20 seriously? The virus is in the U.K. long term. Unless you want SD to go on for years you should be grateful to people who are willing to catch the virus and get this over and done with sooner.

@sonjadog

If she is now getting palliative care, should you be waiting until October to book a trip? I would maybe try to bring the trip forward if you can?

^This. When my dad was told he was on palliative care only, I thought we might have a few weeks...2 days later he had a cardiac arrest (in hosp), and died 4 days later.

Please don't wait until October - try to do something much sooner.

@Venue20 You've made your point. Please stop now.

Ignore the negative comments,some people are just nasty
Arrange a holiday sooner rather than later and enjoy x

Go! Ignore the horrible callous posts- people can be so nasty on here.

I hope you all have a wonderful time

Well I'd ignore them totally and probably not even wait till October. The risk is to your MIL and she is prepared to take it.

I'm so sorry about your mother-in-law. And you sound absolutely lovely to be doing this for her
YANBU.