Lectured by stranger over plans for large family holiday

[Bluepolkadots42]

My MIL has just been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. Any treatment she has from now on is basically palliative- she has been shielding strictly up to this point but now she has had the terminal diagnosis she has been very keen for us to visit (in garden) and to see us and all her grandchildren.
I visited her yesterday and she said she would love for all of us to be able to go away together for a holiday for a week in the UK before she isn't here to go on one. She told me the area she had always wanted to visit and so I've been busy trying to find somewhere that can accommodate all of us in October half-term. In total we are 4 separate households of 8 adults and 4 children. I asked on an online forum for some recommendations of group accommodation and explained briefly the reason for trip- I said we were after preferably 2 cottages that are adjoined or large house with separate annexe. Lots of people were glad to give recommendations.
One person however commented with a load of stuff about guidelines and how they (presumably they own a holiday letting) weren't allowed to take a booking from more than one household etc and we needed to be careful as my MIL is shielding etc. I replied politely saying that must be hard for their business, but there does seem to be places able to accommodate multiple households still and ultimately now my MIL is thinking about quality of her life, doing thing she's going to enjoy and making memories for grandchildren etc. as she knows she doesn't have quantity of life left. This person then private messaged me further with more spiel about guidelines and shielding people etc.

AIBU to feel pissed off and like they should just mind their own fucking business quite frankly?
We are not unaware of Covid situation and neither is my MIL as she isn't an imbecile! All the kids will be back at school by then because apparently it's safe enough and at least 3 of us will be back at our place of work by then too, so why shouldn't we all stay together??

I am absolutely aghast at the horrid, unkind, insensitive spew from @Venue20

A lady is dying, and wishes to spend time with her family. As PP said, what kind of world is it when people can go the pub, swimming pools, gyms, planes etc etc but can’t spend time with a dying family member!
I have been following all guidelines rigidly but heck, even I would do exactly what the OP is doing if my mother or MIL had a terminal illness, except I may even be looking to go late August (just in case we fully lock down again, and MIL deteriorates).

I’m so sorry for your MIL OP

Worse case scenario is that all get Covid 19 and have to self isolate. No greater risk to anyone else in the community as you’ll all have to lockdown. Less risk than spreading it around a hotel, a pub or supermarket.
Won’t make any difference to MIL except she’ll have had the holiday she wanted.

My grandmother and my mum's cousin both died of C19 alone. Would I want OPs family to not have a chance to spend a happy time together knowing that their MiL is going to die? Of course I don't. You have to enjoy whatever time you have with people not wait until their last moments to be with them. The whole family are looking to take precautions (SC not hotels or b&b) and the risk is pretty low.

October is a long way off however and while your MiL is relatively well I'd probably see if you can find something in August. My father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a 12 month prognosis in July 2010 but would have been to unwell to travel in October and died the following April.

Fuck sake @Venue20, you've laboured your point, and in the least empathic of ways. So you should go now. It is you who should be ashamed.

I've been following the guidelines strictly but I think I'd probably go ahead with the holiday in your circumstances. The shielding guidelines are only advisory anyway so it's completely up to your mum whether she follows those in any case. So that just leaves the issue of having 4 households under one roof... I guess two cottages would be the ideal solution. Good luck

I definitely take her away as soon as possible.

I think that the difficulty is that cottage providers are not able to take bookings for people from more than 2 households, regardless of their situation. I've a local friend who has been planning a trip to Anglesea to spread their mum's ashes and have hired the big house. The cottage owner has contacted them to say that they are not allowed to all be there at the same time, as it invalidates her insurance and she could be fined.

It may well have changed by October, but if you book something soon, I would maybe "manipulate" some family member's addresses.

@Venue20 fucking hell who’s pissed on your chips this morning?! How about going to shout at children playing together, people sat in pubs or commuters crammed together on the train about how they are all contributing to people dying and lay off the OP.

OP, don’t worry about it, I hope you find a lovely venue. Have you tried air b&b when I was organising a hen do recently I used that to find properties sleeping up to 15 people.

You don't have to justify yourself to strangers. The notion that you should is peculiarly female (and expected only of females).

Just ignore.

Take the advice that's useful to you and move on.

I hope you have a fabulous break and find somewhere wonderfully relaxing.

I find it all very tongue in cheek now OP
Lockdown is 100% over.
Everything around here has returned to normal and it terrifies me, but what can you do?

I can’t get online deliveries still and every time I go to my local supermarket it’s just paying lip service to social distancing. Someone stood at the door but no queue. Lines on the floor but no one (not even staff paying attention).

I had to go this morning with my baby in his pram and whilst I was cautious and giving people space nobody else was giving a sod. Several times people brushed past my pram and got Cm’s away from me! I leave a space... some sod fills it straight away. If you say anything they look at you like you’re insane or taking the total piss.

I actually heard one young female staff member getting really upset this morning repeating ‘they’re letting far too many people in. Oh god, this is really unsafe’ to a colleague who shrugged their shoulders and told her to get back to stocking shelves.

How and why would anybody bother following ‘guidelines’, If it’s ok for people to brush up against me in a supermarket, schools to go back, pubs to open...etc Ofc I’m going to see my family!

We’ll be back in lockdown with a second wave before the gov say it’s ‘ok’ to be normal again!

I think YABU, sorry.

Not because of mixing households (although that’s probably wrong too), but because I don’t think it’s wise to book a holiday in 4 months as your MIL is in palliative care. Having lost many relatives and friends to cancer, unfortunately I have seen people deteriorate very quickly. My mother passed away 20 days after stopping chemo. My close friend died within 3 months of receiving her stage 4 diagnosis.

I would worry that your MIL may not make it to October.

I’m sorry, I know how hard this is.

Glad to see some vile posts have been deleted.

The guidance on shielding makes it clear that it is voluntary, you should speak as much time together as you can, I hope you enjoy your holiday and don’t get any more lectures from idiots devoid of empathy.

In all honesty, I think you guys should possibly try to do this sooner than October if you can. Most posts on here are based on the assumption that things will be less restricted by October. And they might be. But they may also be stricter again, as we have seen in places like Melbourne, Israel and Hong Kong. We haven't the slightest clue in which directions things will have gone by October. The only guarantee is that things are as they are now. I'd work out exactly how to do this as soon as possible in a way that is safe for other people. Ie, isolating yourselves for 2 weeks after mixing households like that.

You should absolutely do this and have a wonderful time. We need to start living again. There are many things more important than Covid risk and this is certainly one of them.

What I would do in your circs, is look for places that can be cancelled for a full refund if we're in lockdown again, or if you need to for health reasons. T&Cs vary a lot. On Air B&B owners set their own conditions and some will accept very late cancellations without requiring a reason at all. They can also make individual agreements with you, unlike large cottage companies.

@Venue20

Please stop now. You are not coming across well.

Even in hospitals the rules on visiting are different for the dying. Do it, for the sake of your family and your MIL. Ignore the arseholes on here, and remember it’s now guidelines not laws

Look, I’m as neurotic as they come, I haven’t met anyone outside my household since before lockdown and I’m preparing to keep doing that for the next 12 months at least unless a vaccine is found, however in your circumstances I would be making an exception because it is an exceptional circumstance.

Have you looked for accommodation in Barnard Castle? 🤣

Anyone who has a terminal diagnosis is not required to shield. At the beginning of this they would have got a letter explaining this. Now they are usually told by their designated CNS.
I would ignore the woman, if you are not booking with her and the place you choose is happy then it has nothing to do with her. Perhaps you could look for the end of August though as your MIL may be feeling quite tired by October. She and her family deserve to make memories and I wish you all a happy time.

Go for it.
Just because some people were denied the chance to say goodbye does not mean everyone should be. You have the chance. Do it.
I hope you have a special time.

Enjoy the holiday and don't worry about the person who made those comments. Hopefully, she will stop now she has made her point.

I'm so sorry for your sad news.

She's right, I am sorry to say.

No Venue20 the shit show was a direct response of the poor management of patients being moved from hospitals to care/ nursing homes without testing. Get your facts straight and leave the OP alone

OP I think you should go and have a wonderful holiday. Perhaps bring it forward a little if you can. Please don't listen to the likes of Venue20!