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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 21:42

@PuppyMonkey

You’re all overlooking the more critical issue on this thread, which is whether OP has confirmed she will indeed be buying a postcard and getting the stamp book and posting it on the day - as instructed by that bossy PP.Grin

OP do come back and let us know.

Why should my DC forfeit their meal and ice cream?

Fish fingers and chips (for example) for a toddler and a baby isn't going to be the same price as two tickets to the zoo itself for older children, that's providing the food hall is open in the first place. If not then it's likely they'll end up having a picnic lunch.

The children's tickets (over 3's) at London zoo are a few pence away from £18. That's almost £40 I would need to spend if I were to pay for them to come, and that's without their food / ice cream / drinks.

I simply cannot afford that without eating into money budgeted for other things.

Not that it's relevant but for context, our current weekly food shop comes to between £35 and £40 (Aldi)

Saving £10 max by not buying the youngest children food at the zoo or an ice cream isn't going to make paying for tickets any more doable.

I would love for them to come, if their mum would be happy to lend DP the money. He won't ask which is fair enough as I appreciate he would look cheeky as f. It's not that I didn't want them there.

I wondered how long it would take until people began step parent bashing Confused

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 21:43

And don't forget to tell ALL the kids that they aren't going anywhere. None of them. I know its not the OP's DH's day to have them, but he could ring them. Only fair.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 21:44

@PuppyMonkey
@DishingOutDone

Your posts have made me laugh, thank you Grin

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 21:45

OP, I hope you know I am only messing with you - well, messing with the SP haters who showed up. Its as if one kid had a shit sandwich you have to force one down all of them - madness. Please don't beat yourself up.

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 21:46

Oh I see you do. Halo

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 21:47

Sorry @PuppyMonkey I tagged your name in the wrong thing. My second to last post was in response to the PP suggesting my DC shouldn't have food from the zoo or an ice cream lol

OP posts:
Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 21:49

@DishingOutDone

Oh I see you do. Halo
Yes I do, completely. You two haven't half made me chuckle Grin
OP posts:
InTheWings · 12/07/2020 21:56

Bonkers.

Your relative gave you a nice gift for you and your children.

You are going when your DSC are with their Mum.

Does their Mum refrain from giving them trees and nice days out because their siblings, your kids, can’t have the same?

How far does this go? Do you not have foods that they like when they are not there? Exist on gruel and turnips so that they don’t miss out?

When they are with you, treat them all the same, of course.

When they are not, do what you do.

AnnaSW1 · 12/07/2020 21:58

I would say the only option is that they don't come. They aren't due to be with you anyway. This is a problem you've created really.

AnnaSW1 · 12/07/2020 21:58

I would say the only option is that they don't come. They aren't due to be with you anyway. This is a problem you've created really.

BBCONEANDTWO · 12/07/2020 22:00

If they aren't coming till Friday just don't invite them and enjoy it - your aunt shouldn't even have to consider paying for your DP's children.

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 22:01

Its all gone a bit cancel the cheque now.

PuppyMonkey · 12/07/2020 22:14

That's ok OP, I love people quoting my posts, even if it is by mistake... Grin

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/07/2020 22:22

OP, you could be a cross between Mother Theresa, Mary Poppins and Croesus, and just for good measure give your DSCs a kidney each. For some posters you still wouldn't be good enough, or fair enough, or loving enough towards them. Actually have you though about offering your kidneys? It might take you half a notch (not a full one, mind) down the wicked stepmother scale.

Have a lovely day tomorrow Grin

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 07:01

Have a great day today op! Smile

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 07:10

I remember a thread similar to this earlier this year broadly similar circumstances and ages, mum wanted to take little DD out (on her own so not even with the Dad) with some money she had been given as a gift and posters piled in saying that little DD was not entitled to anything unless the SDCs got exactly the same, SDCs should be informed of the money being available to them etc., it was quite shocking.

I think I remember that thread. I hope she and her DD had a wonderful day together. Those responses do not surprise me one bit. Hmm

Bbang · 13/07/2020 09:05

@CbeebiesDelirium why shouldn’t your kids get an ice cream or some chips? Utterly bizarre mentality of some posters thinking that they have to make the day as treat free and mundane as possible. Buy your kids the ice creams and chips they will love it and absolutely deserve it.

BakewellGin1 · 13/07/2020 09:23

I definately think your worrying too much...

The age gap naturally means seperate days out are sometimes needed.

I have two DS ages 11 and 18 months.

I take younger one out to the park, animal farm etc alone sometimes and equally older one goes to cinema, golf etc without his brother.

In fact we have recently booked to go to Forbidden Corner with only oldest DS going as it isn't really suitable for younger DS and oldest can fully enjoy it without waiting for little one to toddle round

CurlyMc · 13/07/2020 09:44

[quote Bbang]@CbeebiesDelirium why shouldn’t your kids get an ice cream or some chips? Utterly bizarre mentality of some posters thinking that they have to make the day as treat free and mundane as possible. Buy your kids the ice creams and chips they will love it and absolutely deserve it.[/quote]
Absolutely agree. Treat your little ones to whatever you want to at the zoo OP for goodness sake.

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/07/2020 09:53

If your DP's children lived with you it would be a different story i think - but they don't.
I'm sure they have their own days out with their mum and family, and quite rightly they don't even think about inviting your DC just cos their dad is part of your family.

You're allowed to take your own kids out without feeling obligated to invite his or feel guilty about it.

mummmy2017 · 13/07/2020 10:26

People NEED to see that life is no always equal.
Your family was given a gift, by a person who does not know your Step family side.
There are three sections to your husband's life, and he is allowed to do different things with each part, this does not mean the children are less loved.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/07/2020 11:12

*The step-children get to spend time alone with their other parent without their step-siblings there"
This makes no sense. OP could go alone with her kids without her oh but it's not what she wants to do, she wants them all to as a family which is something her step-kids will never get to do again.

Similarly, they might have half siblings at their residence home and never get to have day out with just their mum.

Its not wrong, but it makes no sense to use this as a reasoning to say that the step kids have it as good anyway.

Well, to be honest there are some ridiculous threads on here where the word pandering is very fitting
There are many ridiculous threads about kids in various circumstances clearly spoilt, but pandering is never use on them, it's always when the kids in question are step children.

midsummabreak · 13/07/2020 11:50

If you had to leave out your husband’s older children and they do find out , those Kids will get their feelings hurt and that builds animosity between the two families.

It’s not your fault if you haven’t been able to afford to bring your husband’s older children with you this time, but I would avoid saying much to them on Friday

Next time, if at all possible, bring your step kids
Always other opportunities to do the same in future.

On Friday If you can organise a picnic with packed treats or a home movie and games night it could be a great way to strengthen camaraderie between the siblings.

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 12:33

There are many ridiculous threads about kids in various circumstances clearly spoilt, but pandering is never use on them, it's always when the kids in question are step children.

Oh I think I’d personally use “pandering” to describe any situation where everyone is expected to rally around to make sure just one child is ok.
This is far more likely to happen when the family set up involves stepchildren. There is an expectation that everyone will bend over backwards and do somersaults for the children from a man’s first marriage.
Funnily enough, I bet when it’s a woman’s second marriage, the younger children aren’t expected to compromise anything and the younger children aren’t begrudged a day out and some chips and ice cream on their own without their older half siblings.

CurlyMc · 13/07/2020 13:28

This makes no sense. OP could go alone with her kids without her oh but it's not what she wants to do, she wants them all to as a family which is something her step-kids will never get to do again

Come off it. The OH in this situation is also the father of the resident children. Why should they never be allowed a day out with their dad there as well just because he has other children who aren't even there and are likely off doing something fun with their other parent?

If the OH was the step father I could maybe, just, see a point. But the resident children are just as entitled as anyone to spend some fun time with their dad.

OP has already said they do have days out with the step children too so this isn't a regular occurrence by the sounds of things.

Is dad supposed to never join OP and his children on days out whilst his other kids are with their mum? Do you seriously think that?

That word beginning with P comes to mind again...

And I've said the same thing about biological kids on threads here before, that parents pander to them far too much these days imo. There are loads of things I see kids getting away with on here in all sorts of situations which I think are completely ridiculous.

In this situation we don't even know the step children will be upset. They don't even have to know about the bloody zoo. They could be going to the zoo with their mum that week for all we know.

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