To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

[CbeebiesDelirium]

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them?

@Howaboutanewname

What you describe is obviously not okay but it's also nothing like this situation

So it’s only me who’s got it wrong and shouldn’t post? Yet there’s post after post slagging off those spoilt brat step children who get everything handed to them on a plate? Right, very clear what the agenda is here then, eh?

It’s not about bratty DSC or whatever. In as my of these situations, it’s rarely the children who are the issue. It’s the attitudes and behaviours of the adults around them.

It’s not about bratty DSC or whatever. In as my of these situations, it’s rarely the children who are the issue. It’s the attitudes and behaviours of the adults around them

Yes! 💯

Most kids would like nothing more than their mum and dad together.

So you keep saying. That doesn’t alter the fact that the children living with both parents should have it thrown in their face and accept other aspects of their life to be rubbish “because their parents are together”. It makes no sense. Children do not think like we do. They still want daddy’s QUALITY time on their own. Not just time when he comes home from work tired. A nice trip out is just as much owed to them as it is the non resident children. They still want time with their mum away from their older half siblings, who aren’t even their mum’s children. But even that is begrudged and that one in particular really makes me angry.

And what about the children who are having a shit life with their parents together? And then on top of that they’re begrudged a trip out. While the older child was extremely happy and had a full life but yet everyone on here would automatically feel sorry for them.

Of course they should be allowed, but why can't you see that being on day out with mum and dad and therefore special is something step children will never get to experience again. That doesn't mean it shouldn't happen, but maybe considering that in this instance, it's the resident kids who've got it good. Most kids would like nothing more than their mum and dad together.

But presumably the "first" children have already experienced some years with their mum and dad being together and had days out with both their parents. The younger siblings are now getting their turn so to speak of having it "good".

Then what happens if the resident/2nd family children are told they can only go on "special" days out 2 days a fortnight when their half siblings are also there, then the parents in the second family spilt up? Especially as we're told time and again that second marriages are more likely to fail than the first. Not only will those children have lived a more mundane life for 12/14 days but they'll also have never got to experience a day out with just mum, dad and themselves, unlike their elder siblings.

Sorry I forgot to add to that last paragraph, that was my children’s reality once upon a time. Not anymore thankfully but it still winds me up that children in their position are expected to put up and shut up just because mum and dad are together. Doesn’t matter if mum and dad don’t get on, as long as they’re both under the same roof eh

Most kids would like nothing more than their mum and dad together.

This is just not relevant. The parents relationship failed and they are no longer together. That’s just how it is.

No amount of emotive nonsense about how the poor DSC don’t get days out with both their parents etc etc is going to change anything. Nor does it mean that younger children (and their mother) should have to wear a hair shirt as some sort of retribution.

I was told by my ex’s ex wife that I shouldn’t have gone on a special day out with my own children and that I should have taken her child with me too. My ex was my partner at the time, but he stayed at home. So it was just me, my kids and my dad.

The thing is, my kids had been through a lot by that point. Their dad made our lives very mundane and we never had anything. But he always made sure his older child was well provided for. He would have rather had spent money on beers and fags than pay for our shared children’s needs and treats for all of his children. Their older sibling has and has always had a great life with their mum which is wonderful and so they should, but on this particular day I just wanted some respite with my own children. A day to get away and relax and to not have to worry about anything. There is quite a big age gap between mine and the other child, so the older child would have changed the whole dynamics of the day, and I wanted my children to just enjoy something without it morphing in to a day geared towards the older child.

Well the ex went crazy when she discovered I went on this nice little day out with my children. The escapism me and my children desperately needed. Her child wasn’t even at our house until later on in the day anyway. But yeah, always the first children who get a rough deal.

Well the ex went crazy when she discovered I went on this nice little day out with my children.

That's really silly, you are allowed to parent your own children. Did she ever take your kids out?

Well obviously @funinthesun19. How dare you think about your own children or spend time with them.

And even worse, how dare you not make up for their father’s inadequacies. Clearly it’s your job to ensure that her child isn’t affected by their father being useless.

As I said, it’s always the bloody unreasonable adults that make these things difficult. Over time that might produce horribly spoiled and entitled children (only might though). But that’s on those adults too.

You probably got shit from your ex about it too.

@funinthesun19

Your Ex sounds like a peach and his ex even peachier! Shame they split up and inflicted themselves on other people.
How could she possibly justify “going crazy” over another woman taking her own kids out for the day? I can’t imagine the level of entitlement it must take to end up so far up your own humph

so far up your own humph

That's really silly, you are allowed to parent your own children. Did she ever take your kids out?

Exactly and I wouldn’t expect her to. She can’t expect another woman to take her child out too.
The thing is, she knew exactly what her ex husband is like (they are divorced after all), and she must have had an idea what kind of life my children had if they lived with him. To then go mad about them having something nice just made her look pathetic. She made up for his failings when it came to her child, but expected me to also do the same and focus less on my own children who needed me more.

Well, could you not forgo the ice creams/extras there and take your own picnic lunch?

@Worstemailever

Well, could you not forgo the ice creams/extras there and take your own picnic lunch?

Why? The step children aren't even there that day anyway whether or not the OPs children have an ice-cream at the zoo.

Imagine not even being able to have an ice-cream as not to offend your siblings 🙄

But presumably the "first" children have already experienced some years with their mum and dad being together and had days out with both their parents. The younger siblings are now getting their turn so to speak of having it "good"

Presume away. It's not always the case. Certainly wasn't for one of my children who was born post-separation. Besides, the argument here has been that children don't have to have exactly the same to feel loved and yet you're arguing that they should be grateful they've had the same experiences and had it 'good'?

Their dad made our lives very mundane and we never had anything. But he always made sure his older child was well provided for

And surely you recognise that there are children out there who are sacrificed as first children in favour of second children? I wouldn't want to say which children experience greater difficulty as all experiences are individual, but certainly the non-payment of maintenance statistics suggest to me that there are plenty of first children out there who don't get a share of dad's income, let alone time and attention once a new relationship is established.

What a mother may or may not be able to provide for a child is really neither here nor there. What children want is to feel both their parents cared for them to the best of their abilities, equal to any additional siblings that might come along. Unfortunately children of separated parents often fall down the gap made by one or both of their parents moving into new relationships and trying to fulfill the obligations those relationships bring.

Most kids would like nothing more than their mum and dad together

Replace kids with mum.

@funinthesun19. This is the thing I don't get. Why are step-mums meant to make up for poor parenting by the DP/DH? Also, if he's a shit dad to the SC, likelihood is he's also a shit dad to the resident children. He's the one with the multiple children, so he's the one who should put in the effort to make the whole 'blended family' thing work. So long as the step-mum is kind, friendly and inclusive when she's around, that's all that can be expected... She's entitled to her own life (with her DC if she has them).

@Lostmyshityear9. I totally agree with your point about maintenance, though, btw. RPs and their kids are completely shafted by the CMS and maintenance is set too low.

MessAllOver

I strongly believe that if a blended family is going to be happy and successful, the person who is already a parent needs to put 150% in to everything. Not just 100%. And definitely not just plod through life winging it and hoping everyone has a happily ever after. It takes hard work or it all falls apart.
I do also strongly believe that I would have found stepparenting a lot easier if he was a hard working person who wanted the best for his children and for us as a couple.
What I’m basically saying is that it has to be worth it. Why would anyone be happy as a stepparent if their partner isn’t giving that 150%?

And surely you recognise that there are children out there who are sacrificed as first children in favour of second children?

I do recognise this too. And yes everyone’s experiences are different and that’s the point.

Presume away. It's not always the case. Certainly wasn't for one of my children who was born post-separation. Besides, the argument here has been that children don't have to have exactly the same to feel loved and yet you're arguing that they should be grateful they've had the same experiences and had it 'good'?

Of course it's not always the case, but I didn't think it needed saying that if a child isn't old enough to remember the experience of their parents being together, then why presume as you have done that it's all they wish for when they don't know any different? Some children might, some might not. I grew up with "together" parents and my only wish was that my mum would leave my father.

Shit dads parents tend to be shit regardless of whether they've separated from the other parent. If a first family child is being included in treats and special days during their access time then there is no reason why 2nd family children shouldn't be allowed to enjoy their own treats whilst their half sibling(s) are with their mum. It's a totally different situation to the one described upthread where the DS was being excluded/not taken on trips even during the dad's access time, which is not what the OP is describing.

I'm not arguing that, that's my point. Nothing is ever going to be exactly the same for everyone so wh

Op if you’re still here, how was your day?!

@funinthesun19. My impression is that a lot of these men (sorry, not saying your DP is at all like this, OP!) don't pull their weight in their first relationship so it breaks up and then can't be bothered to parent on their own. So they find a new partner and lie to them that it was all the crazy exe's fault. Then they slowly turn their new partner into a unpaid skivvy/nanny/slave who does most of the housework and childcare.

i can’t believe you wouldn’t bring them, wow. And did you say you have children with their father, my God you sound mean!

Yep, spot on!
Crazily, I do care a lot about my ex. I want him to be ok, but he needs to be a grown up now and do it alone. Sorry this is all for another thread but I do think it is very relevant because men like him are the reason why so many stepmums eventually come to resent their role of papering over the cracks to keep everyone else like the first family happy.