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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 12/07/2020 17:28

From a grand parent, maybe but then most grand parents do have done relationship with the step-kids unless they are already late teens or adult, so you'd expect them to pay for them too.

A great Aunt or an Uncle (as was the case in a recent similar thread), much less likely.

I personally it's a poisoned present. Why not just give a sum of money for the parents to decide how to best spend it? I would never consider giving tickets for a specific member of family who has step-kids, just because it would inevitably caused the issues raised here.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 17:29

The reason we're going tomorrow is because I'm not at work tomorrow, not because I've chosen a day that we don't have the older children.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 17:32

And that’s a very good reason OP.

dontdisturbmenow · 12/07/2020 17:37

The older children have probably already visited the zoo anyway
This is totally missing the point. If it was just about the actual place then OP could take the kids on her own. What makes it a great family out if that the kids will get to enjoy it with their mum and dad.

I took my kids to fantastic places. Their dad never took them anywhere. He did however go with his partner and her kids.

They loved our holiday. They didn't resent their step sibling at all that they enjoyed going to fun places too. What they missed though was to experience it with their dad. Going to same place with their dad rather than me would have been a totally different experience.

PennyinmyPocket · 12/07/2020 17:38

The reason we're going tomorrow is because I'm not at work tomorrow, not because I've chosen a day that we don't have the older children

There you go. No problem. Enjoy your day 😊

dontdisturbmenow · 12/07/2020 17:39

OP, you are not doing anything wrong at all, as long as your step-kids got the chance to go on si.ilar days out with their dad and with or without you previously, and will do so again soon.

If this is a one off, it really is a non event.

caringcarer · 12/07/2020 17:41

Just don't invite them.

PennyinmyPocket · 12/07/2020 17:42

I took my kids to fantastic places. Their dad never took them anywhere. He did however go with his partner and her kids

Not the same scenario as OP at all. She takes her SC out when they are staying at hers. OP doesn’t have to take her SC every time she takes her DC out.

It’s not as if she never takes them anywhere. The SC have another family they can also do fun things with.

lunar1 · 12/07/2020 17:46

Is this a one off? Or do your family do this often. Hopefully your husband makes sure he makes time and provisions for all his children.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 17:47

Would taking step children on a day out, if it could be afforded, pandering to them?
No it wouldn’t, but in this particular case, arranging this trip to the zoo on a different day would be pandering to them. It’s a gift, the op is off on Tuesday and they are with their mum. The op’s children should be allowed to have fun when the offer is there. Telling the aunt to give them money so that they can take the older kids out too is just plain rude.

I hate that word, pandering, always rver associated with step children.

Well, to be honest there are some ridiculous threads on here where the word pandering is very fitting.

okiedokieme · 12/07/2020 17:53

Why not take a picnic, saves at lot, maybe not enough to pay for the kids but goes maybe half way. I wouldn't dream of us taking one set of kids without the others (unless a comparable trip was at a different time) if I want to treat my DD's on my own that's different

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 17:58

If I want to treat my DD's on my own that's different

I did this once. I took my children to the beach without my ex (we were together at the time). His older child arrived at our house later on in the day and his ex wife went crazy because I took my children to the beach to spend some quality time with them.

It just feels like as soon as you’re with a man with children you can’t do anything with your own, ever.

bluebadgehelp101 · 12/07/2020 18:08

If the OP took a picnic instead of a meal there and forfeited ice cream it would definitely pay for the dsc to come. I think the real issue is that OP doesn't really want them there.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2020 18:12

I think the real issue is that OP doesn't really want them there

OR that they weren’t invited

MessAllOver · 12/07/2020 18:14

It's ok for step-parents to want to spend time alone with their own children without the step-children present. That doesn't make them bad people. The step-children get to spend time alone with their other parent without their step-siblings there. While step-parents need to ensure the step-children feel welcome and part of the family, it is not their responsibility to 'parent' (that is for mum and dad) and so it is perfectly acceptable for them to do their own thing once in a while even if the step-children are there (which isn't even the case here).

MessAllOver · 12/07/2020 18:19

Why should the OP want them there? She's perfectly entitled to want a day out with HER children... That doesn't mean she doesn't ever want to see DSC, I'm sure she does loads to help give them a lovely time when they stay. Also, I bet DSC's mum has nice days out separately with DSC without the step-siblings there...

Just

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 19:01

If she didn’t want them to come along then why would she suggest the idea of asking whether their mum could pay for them? If she was so against the idea then she wouldn’t be coming up with that solution and putting it in her DP’s head.
He decided not to ask his ex which is his choice.

bluebadgehelp101 · 12/07/2020 19:01

I'm not saying she should want them there, but OP is claiming she is tying herself in knots about what to do. She could work around things and invite them if she wanted, but it seems the crux of the matter is that she doesn't (which is fine) but seems to need a lot of validation that it's fine not to invite them.

CurlyMc · 12/07/2020 20:50

Would taking step children on a day out, if it could be afforded, pandering to them?

They can't afford it and the step children aren't even there that day, they are with their mum likely doing something fun with her so yes, it would be pandering to not go, postpone the trip, or scrimp money together for extra tickets etc...

Resident children are allowed to do things on days their step siblings aren't there. The siblings will have plenty of things that they do on their own with their other parent.

It's stupid and not sustainable to say that SC who aren't living with you all of the time must be included in every single activity that you do. Absolutely daft.

CurlyMc · 12/07/2020 20:52

You'd think resident children should have to sit indoors refraining from having any fun at all whilst their step siblings are out having a fun day with their other parent. It's unfair. Resident children are allowed things as well, there's a really poor attitude toward them on Mumsnet for some reason. I hate it.

perkybutfull · 12/07/2020 21:06

@Runnerduck34

Do you live with DP? The easiest thing is for you to take them, possibly with a friend or sister or mum and DP stays at home. I can see why his dc maybe upset as in their eyes it will look like daddy took their step siblings to zoo and not them. Obviously as your aunt is paying for the tickets thats not the case but i think it may be how they would feel particularly if he hasnt got the money to treat them to a day out himself.
I don't think the younger kids are step siblings at all, where does she say this? The op has been with her partner for years.
perkybutfull · 12/07/2020 21:06

@Runnerduck34

Do you live with DP? The easiest thing is for you to take them, possibly with a friend or sister or mum and DP stays at home. I can see why his dc maybe upset as in their eyes it will look like daddy took their step siblings to zoo and not them. Obviously as your aunt is paying for the tickets thats not the case but i think it may be how they would feel particularly if he hasnt got the money to treat them to a day out himself.
I don't think the younger kids are step siblings at all, where does she say this? The op has been with her partner for years.
Ellisandra · 12/07/2020 21:07

You’re not at work tomorrow. But was there not a day in the near future when you could have been off work and had your stepchildren with you too?

I posted above - I don’t think you should have to take them with you all the time. Well - you not at all, this is about their dad! But if he never takes them to special places like the zoo, then he should. They’re old enough to be told that an aunt has paid for the kids, and dad is saving up to take them too - just him and them - soon.

Step siblings will never have the same of everything, but that doesn’t mean you don’t think about treats sensitively. I wanted to take my son to Harry Potter. He liked it but his stepbrother LOVED it. So I took both. And that was my XH’s stepson, not mine! But I thought it was nicer for my child’s relationship with his stepbrother that they both go.

If their mum takes them to the zoo sometimes - then fine.

PuppyMonkey · 12/07/2020 21:12

You’re all overlooking the more critical issue on this thread, which is whether OP has confirmed she will indeed be buying a postcard and getting the stamp book and posting it on the day - as instructed by that bossy PP.Grin

OP do come back and let us know.

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 21:41

@PuppyMonkey - Nooooo!!! The OP should be doing MY suggestion which was to use the stamps to send tickets or whatever they are back to the Horrible Selfish Aunt and berate her soundly for not buying more tickets, or maybe even buying ANY tickets in the first place the mad old bat. Provocative fucker. She's the instigator of it all. I bet she swans round pretending to be nice and all ...

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